Am I too relaxed about my child at soft play? Or are others too uptight ?

[alloverthem]

I recently took my DD and DS to a small soft play that we frequent a lot.

I mean, usually several times a week.

It's small and safe and I really love it and my kids get the interaction with other kids and I actually find it easier being there than just sitting at home with them for example.

It's interesting to watch different parenting styles in there and I've noticed a few things.

There are frequent scuffles between the kids but actually not that often. The kids play well together in general I would say. Often they chase each other around and play fight too and it's nice to watch.

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff and there are lots of parents that are ' relaxed ' about it. So will apologise if their child makes my child cry and I always say don't worry it's all good- they all do it. It will be my one that starts on yours next time or something like that.

But then there are some parents who are really precious about everything. They don't give their child any space at all ( it's a tiny soft play ) and hover around them constantly and get involved in every single little thing. The other day my DD was playing with another girl and they were chasing each other around a padded area and getting foam blocks and running into each other with them. It was totally under control and not too rough and they were having a wale of a time. I was watching the entire thing and so was the other mum, who kept telling my DD off for pushing ( which she wasn't ). It was a totally innocent scenario and it really annoyed me. It's not the first time I've seen stuff like this. Another time a mum seemed generally angry that her son was crying because my DD took a block from him- my DD cried too when her son was taking the block from her. It was a normal scuffle, you tell them to behave / remove them and apologise and move on.

Why do some mums feel so aggrieved by normal childhood play? I can't remember my parents getting upset and involved in every tiny interaction at a soft play when I was younger. Can't we let them just be a little bit ? We are there for them when it gets dangerous and comfort them when they're upset, but to actually get huffy and puffy about 3 year olds snatching foam blocks from one another - is that really how precious us millennial parents are ?

I know they'll be people who'll accuse my DD of being a bad child etc. but it's not that. She's just normal and plays normally.

Anyway, it's either that I'm too relaxed or others are way too uptight.

You don't know my soft play though or my 18 month old and the circumstances under which I allow it and where I am etc. I keep my kids safe. Neither have ever got hurt at soft play or otherwise.

And I do step in if behaviour isn't appropriate. Always. I just don't get angry about it if inappropriate behaviour is directed at my child. As children need to learn that things like this happen. We need to be there to support and teach them what's ok and what's not, but other children may still act out occasionally and they need to learn that unfortunately that happens too.

Yeah I think I manage a decent balance. I definitely don't follow DC around soft play once they are past baby/young toddler age. It's annoying for the kids when there are giant adults blocking tunnels and stuff in the play areas (SEN children excluded of course). I know roughly where DD is in the apparatus and have an ear out for anything that requires help, but normal child interactions I wouldn't intervene unless needed. And yes I do have a cup of tea and a cake

DD1 isn't a rough player particularly though, I wouldn't worry about her hitting other children for example as that wouldn't happen, it would more be conflict over who was using something first or something, but she will come to find me if she feels particularly maligned and needs my help with something.

OP just you wait for the fun times ahead at primary school...

I genuinely had a parent come over to me in reception asking my son to apologise because he made her daughter cry, when he ran ahead of her on the climbing frame and didn't wait behind her to finish the entire course first... "well he shouldn't have pushed ahead, she likes to do it all on her own". This kid was in HYSTERICS and no wonder, she clearly had a mum that catered to her EVERY whim and expected the whole world to do exactly the same.

I was never a " hovering parent" with my eldest dc and i agree with your op. However my youngest dc has ASD among other things and i hovered over him, not because i was worried for him but because i was worried what he may attempt to do to another child. He could be extremely aggressive at times and if another child had snatched something from him ( as kids do) it would have caused all out war!

I will also add that the majority of these parents that completely overreact to kids falling out only ever seem to notice when it's their kid that's coming off worse! They mysteriously never notice when their little darling is being a brat!

Oh no. That's just awful. Thanks for the warning. I'll need to start preparing myself.

To be honest I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread in AIBU…no I don’t know you or your child or the specific soft play you go to..I’m a stranger on the internet?
You asked strangers on the internet are you too relaxed and some responded based on what you’ve said.
I think it is quite relaxed to let an 18 month old go off based on my experiences in the plethora of soft plays I have visited 🤷🏻‍♀️ if you don’t like the answer- why ask here?

I think there is a huge difference between children playing and working things out themselves Vs pushing, shoving, snatching and the sort of play that ends up with one or more child upset.

Mine aren't the sort of kids who cry a lot and are very resilient, but the times they've ended up upset in soft play has usually been because another child is being far too physical or domineering and their parents isn't paying any attention. Undoubtedly those parents will insist it does the children the world of good to have Lord of the Flies whilst their child grabs everything in sight, barges around, and thinks all the other children should fall in line or move.

Our soft play is big so I wouldn't let an 18mo in the main section unsupervised, but there is an under 2 section that DD2 (14mo) will roam in happily if I am standing or sitting chatting to someone nearby. DD1 has been in the main section since about 2.5, when I was comfortable she wasn't going to get physically stuck anywhere

@Nohj ok so if I post here we can't have a debate. Got it.

My soft play days are thankfully behind me now, but I think parents’ attitudes depend a lot on what their children are like, so what their own experience is. My two children were very different - my son was sociable and I could trust him to behave, but I knew he could stand up for himself - I gave him a lot of space and only intervened if really necessary. My daughter is autistic and very quiet - other kids seemed to pick up on it and take advantage of her (push her out of the way, take things off her etc). She couldn’t stand up for herself and so I stayed much closer to keep her safe. The only time I really lost my rag with a parent at soft play was when I temporarily lost sight of her and then found her in the ball pit with an older boy repeatedly punching her in the face - I told the boy firmly to stop and scooped up my daughter. It turned out his mum was sat right next to the ball pit and had seen this happening but did nothing - she had a go at me for telling him off, because apparently they were just playing and my daughter was fine as she wasn’t crying. She never cries when hurt - she was frozen to the spot, mute and shaking. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s great to let kids socialise and play freely, but bear in mind that some have struggles you won’t understand, and their parents will have a different approach for that reason.

I think if you're child is regularly snatching, play fighting and causing other kids to cry, I would say your calibration as to what counts as positive behaviour and supervision is way off.

But then I much preferred going to outside play areas because you could supervise efficiently without hovering.

If I left my DS to it, it would soon result in a toddler version of Lord of the Flies. He would barge other kids off things, help himself to toys, not let anyone else take a turn. I also can’t totally trust him not to shove or even hit. So I do supervise him, remind him to take turns and move him away if it looks like he’s going to be physical. And inevitably I get railroaded by other kids wanting adult interaction.

Obviously it won’t be forever but I wouldn’t be letting an under 3 lose to be honest.

She's not often doing those things.

Plenty of others would be.

You sound like the type of parent whose child can literally never be wrong. You raise your little brat to think the world revolves around them and they can't even handle playing with children in a soft play and break down every time mummy isn't there to defend them.

you don’t sound very kind op. If you’re passing this type of attitude on to your children I can see how other parents get annoyed.

I actually disagree with your whole premise that snatching and play fighting is normal behaviour for kids of 4yrs old. Snatching? maybe at 2 but not 4. By that point it’s bad behaviour.

My daughter was at school a month after her 4th birthday and certainly not walking around pushing kids and snatching things.

My children are older now but if i think back to the kids my daughter was as nursery with which are now at her school. The ones who snatched and behaved like little bullies are now not very pleasant 9 yr olds.

If this happened to my child, I would struggle not to lose my shit completely!

No one is 4 though... the ones that snatch tend to be under 4...

Ok, well if they’re 3 then this is the point YOU are meant to be teaching form right from wrong so when they get to 4 (in a few months) they won’t be the prick kids no-one likes

I was always "that parent" at soft play when my eldest was little.

I was worried that he would push, pull hair or hit another child (he has additional needs) so I needed to watch him like a hawk and follow him around.

I did get tutted at by the mums drinking coffee, but they would have tutted a lot more if he had hurt one of their children.

Why do you think I'm not trying to teach my DD right from wrong ? Of course I do.

Because you have a very laissez-faire attitude to your kids behaviour and at the same time are are accusing other parents of being too involved with their kids!!

I don't have that attitude towards my kids misbehaving. I have that attitude towards other kids acting like kids at soft play and getting stuff wrong sometimes.

In fairness I get where OP is coming from. I always watch my children, and guide where necessary, but try to do this from a little distance to give them and others a chance to play. Neither of mine have ever hit or any deliberate act but occasionally have taken something off a child, or pushed passed climbing up something. I always correct them and apologise, most parents laugh it off as I do, but occasionally some literally look like my child has committed a serious crime against theirs!