Am I too relaxed about my child at soft play? Or are others too uptight ?

[alloverthem]

I recently took my DD and DS to a small soft play that we frequent a lot.

I mean, usually several times a week.

It's small and safe and I really love it and my kids get the interaction with other kids and I actually find it easier being there than just sitting at home with them for example.

It's interesting to watch different parenting styles in there and I've noticed a few things.

There are frequent scuffles between the kids but actually not that often. The kids play well together in general I would say. Often they chase each other around and play fight too and it's nice to watch.

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff and there are lots of parents that are ' relaxed ' about it. So will apologise if their child makes my child cry and I always say don't worry it's all good- they all do it. It will be my one that starts on yours next time or something like that.

But then there are some parents who are really precious about everything. They don't give their child any space at all ( it's a tiny soft play ) and hover around them constantly and get involved in every single little thing. The other day my DD was playing with another girl and they were chasing each other around a padded area and getting foam blocks and running into each other with them. It was totally under control and not too rough and they were having a wale of a time. I was watching the entire thing and so was the other mum, who kept telling my DD off for pushing ( which she wasn't ). It was a totally innocent scenario and it really annoyed me. It's not the first time I've seen stuff like this. Another time a mum seemed generally angry that her son was crying because my DD took a block from him- my DD cried too when her son was taking the block from her. It was a normal scuffle, you tell them to behave / remove them and apologise and move on.

Why do some mums feel so aggrieved by normal childhood play? I can't remember my parents getting upset and involved in every tiny interaction at a soft play when I was younger. Can't we let them just be a little bit ? We are there for them when it gets dangerous and comfort them when they're upset, but to actually get huffy and puffy about 3 year olds snatching foam blocks from one another - is that really how precious us millennial parents are ?

I know they'll be people who'll accuse my DD of being a bad child etc. but it's not that. She's just normal and plays normally.

Anyway, it's either that I'm too relaxed or others are way too uptight.

I supervise my 3 year old pretty closely. He is big for his age so kids can think he is older than he is and make assumptions about the kind of play he can join in on.

I also have to make sure he doesn't accidentally bulldoze unsupervised smaller children. Yes that would be a 'learning' experience for both of them, but I would rather it didn't happen in the first place.

I find a lot of unsupervised kids are playing nicely but are annoying - going up slides the wrong way so you can't go down, trying to play with my kid by running in front of him when he just wants to do his own thing etc

Maybe I am a bit of a helicopter. My involvement is less and less as he gets older which I think is the correct way to be. I would love a soft play where there was no one there!

Feel free to disagree but you've openly said you judge other parents, calling other people's comments bullshit, another poster's child a brat and when you find out they're not old enough to use soft play they're a "to be brat." If the shoe fits and all that..

Well everyone should be keeping an eye on their child , not following them around isn't the same as totally ignoring them

Sometimes children do get hurt, same as sometimes they gey hurt at school playing

Ds4 had his elbow dislocated at school by another child when they were playing

You’re not wrong OP, I used to go to a small soft play where a Mom I’d see there regularly used to climb around with her child completely blocking the way for kids playing! I take the view that as long as the children are similar ages and it’s not an older kid being rough with a younger one then let them work it amongst themselves.

@caerdydd12 that poster literally accused me of being a terrible parent. It was really really nasty what was written. Making massive assumptions that I don't know play with my kids, that I'm lazy etc etc etc. these things are totally untrue and if you actually saw me at soft play with my kids, it's not what I do. I just don't react by being annoyed with other parents or children for children engaging in less than favourable behaviour sometimes. I take it as it is and try to keep my kids safe from it.

I also think my kids need to learn that not everyone is kind.

I'm just defending myself. And yes I think parents who can't understand that kids act up sometimes and that other parents are also doing their best trying to control them and get offended and nasty, are dicks. Sorry.

There's definitely parents who have lost sight of normal childhood learning. Ironically the one who was telling me yesterday she yelled at a child and called them a bully would be the first to be furious if it was her child being branded a bully by a random adult.

So you're allowed to make a thread judging other parents but don't seem to like it when someone else gives you their opinion? I agree with that poster it sounds like they struck a nerve.

Crikey …😳😳😳

If parents are condoning fighting and snatching toys then I think other parents are right to be concerned. It's up to parents to teach their children correct behaviour. And that doesn't include fighting and snatching toys.

So you're allowed to make a thread judging other parents but don't seem to like it when someone else gives you their opinion? I agree with that poster it sounds like they struck a nerve.

Everyone can make judgements and everyone can also respond and defend themselves. Which is all I've done here and I have every right to, as does everyone else !

I'm a nanny, have been for a very long time, and once here on Mumsnet I mentioned that my 3yo charges play sometime by themselves, without me interacting with them, or telling them what to play. I got all sort of messages how lazy nanny I am, irresponsible, and thank God I don't work for them. Well yes, thank God for that. Still with my nanny kids 6 years later.

And all I did was give you my opinion... funny how threads work isn't it, you don't get to control the responses.

💯

@caerdydd12 and all I did was give you my opinion back. What's your issue ? All is said was ' okay wow'..

What do you want me to say ? That I'm all the horrible adjectives you used to describe me ?

I don't have an issue. I'm not the one starting threads judging other parents and then defensive when I don't agree with the opinions I'm getting back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My 5 year old has never once snatched, pushed or made another child cry. And I'd be annoyed if a child did that to him but it was just brushed off as normal kid stuff or whatever. I don't agree with helicopter parenting but I do think we need to discipline children and teach them how to get along with other kids. All this kind of thing is of course incredibly subjective though - op would probably brand me as 'precious' as the original post suggests.

Thr soft plays I still go to are massive so I sit and mark work or read and they occasionally appear. So I wouldn't know what they are doing, I shout for them if I need them and can't see them and they appear, or they come to the table if upset. Prob from 4. At 2 I hovered and at 3 sent a big brother with the younger.

I'm completely with you on this but I also think that just as your kids have to learn to coexist with kids with a different playing style to them, so you have to learn to coexist with people with different parenting styles to you.

(But so do they, I'm not supporting people being unpleasant for the sake of it).

I think it's important and healthy for kids to interact with each other and have some freedom.

However, I may well be a bit like you describe. I have a very tall, well built 2 year old who is the size of children 2 or 3 years older. I have to watch him closely as the kids and parents don't realise how young he is.

Also, he is a wild runner so I have to get in-between him and the swings sometimes as he would get knocked clean over! Another mum did say to me I should just let it happen as he will the learn but I'm perfecrly happy not to let my 2 year old be whacked over by a big kid on a swing - just in the name of teaching him a lesson.

He also has to be on reins near any kind of road as he is so fast and strong, I don't trust I can keep hold of his hand when needed.

Different examples to the softplay one I know but overall, I could see myself being a helicopter parent in the eyes of others who don't realise why I'm doing what I'm doing. I see little ones walking sedately with their parents or sitting and having picnics. Not a chance with mine. He's got ant in his pants!

I could see myself being a helicopter parent in the eyes of others who don't realise why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Oh yep 100%. DD was only 2 in May however she’s quite tall and people always assume that she’s older than she is. Uses reins whenever she’s not in the buggy and is Autistic.

She’s a wild child and runs all about the place, has no sense of danger too. If a child was to push her over or whatever, I’d be annoyed. I’m not gonna risk by Autistic 2 year old getting hurt by another child just so that people like the OP don’t think I’m THAT parent. I’ll forever be THAT parent where both of my toddlers with additional needs are involved😅

You're always going to see different parenting style, and there will be reasons for this. A woman I met a year or so ago and we met a few times as our DD were around the same age, was extremely anxious. But her daughter had a rare autoimmune disease that completely depleted her of her immune system so she was very susceptible to infection. So although she was getting better and docs had given approval and encouraged mum to take out her DD, this was combined with being a first time mum and we were just coming out of covid and kids can be gross - I totally empathised with her position.

I don't so mind the different styles, it's the parents that sit too far away and are not interacting with there child(ten). I have frequently ended up feeling like a childminder as kids will start to want me to start playing with them or they start saying ‘watch me?!?’ as they are hungry for attention, I don't mind the odd interaction but when it feels I have adopted another child! I will ask them to go find there mummy/daddy etc.

I also feel I have too often had to find the carers because a child has gotten upset and wants comfort…

I think snatching and ‘play fighting’ is behaviour that needs parental intervention to be honest. I wouldn’t get annoyed that it had happened but would expect the children to be re-directed. I do think children probably 4 and under are going to need various amount of support at times in soft play. I think it’s quite confident to let an 18 month old toddle off, I do follow my 20 month old and play with her.

At least part of the point for me is spending time with her, I often find us attracting other kids who want to join in and play games with us.
When she had had stuff snatched or older kids with no parents watching have got a bit shovy, I re direct them, explain we don’t do that and make a game or give them something else.

I definitely do internally judge a bit though because it might be sold as being relaxed parenting but so many of the kids seem to love adult attention and input, it seems a bit of a shame that it’s not their parents giving it! I get a little gaggle going whilst they are all having a coffee 😬

I don't have an issue. I'm not the one starting threads judging other parents and then defensive when I don't agree with the opinions I'm getting back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not defensive at a normal opinion though- for example - ' I disagree OP, I think we need to stay close by our children at all times and it's absolutely fine to get annoyed with other parents and their children if their child acts out of turn. Even if the parent apologises / stops the behaviour immediately. I think it's out of line and I have the right to be angry'

Not : OP you sound like the worst parent in the world. I bet you don't even look at your children when they play. I bet your children are disgusting feral beings who hurt all the other children at soft play. I bet that you just sit there like a lazy cow. I know types like you OP.

The second response is just making a load of unkind assumptions about me. It's not really an opinion about what the post was initially about..

I'm not sure why you're advocating for normal childhood experience but taking children to a risk free, indoor facility? Surely fresh air and reasonable awareness of hazards in the real world and understanding of the natural environment would be preferable for this normal childhood you're in favour of? It's not normal to be indoors most days of the week with children. At a soft play it's demographic is inevitably going to be for risk averse parents