Am I too relaxed about my child at soft play? Or are others too uptight ?

[alloverthem]

I recently took my DD and DS to a small soft play that we frequent a lot.

I mean, usually several times a week.

It's small and safe and I really love it and my kids get the interaction with other kids and I actually find it easier being there than just sitting at home with them for example.

It's interesting to watch different parenting styles in there and I've noticed a few things.

There are frequent scuffles between the kids but actually not that often. The kids play well together in general I would say. Often they chase each other around and play fight too and it's nice to watch.

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff and there are lots of parents that are ' relaxed ' about it. So will apologise if their child makes my child cry and I always say don't worry it's all good- they all do it. It will be my one that starts on yours next time or something like that.

But then there are some parents who are really precious about everything. They don't give their child any space at all ( it's a tiny soft play ) and hover around them constantly and get involved in every single little thing. The other day my DD was playing with another girl and they were chasing each other around a padded area and getting foam blocks and running into each other with them. It was totally under control and not too rough and they were having a wale of a time. I was watching the entire thing and so was the other mum, who kept telling my DD off for pushing ( which she wasn't ). It was a totally innocent scenario and it really annoyed me. It's not the first time I've seen stuff like this. Another time a mum seemed generally angry that her son was crying because my DD took a block from him- my DD cried too when her son was taking the block from her. It was a normal scuffle, you tell them to behave / remove them and apologise and move on.

Why do some mums feel so aggrieved by normal childhood play? I can't remember my parents getting upset and involved in every tiny interaction at a soft play when I was younger. Can't we let them just be a little bit ? We are there for them when it gets dangerous and comfort them when they're upset, but to actually get huffy and puffy about 3 year olds snatching foam blocks from one another - is that really how precious us millennial parents are ?

I know they'll be people who'll accuse my DD of being a bad child etc. but it's not that. She's just normal and plays normally.

Anyway, it's either that I'm too relaxed or others are way too uptight.

I am one of the parents who ‘hovers’, mainly because I enjoy playing with my 2 year old in the soft play and seeing how much joy he gets from it (plus with the extortionate soft play prices, including adult admission, I will ‘hover’ away as much as I like thanks)! Why would I want to be sat outside it having a coffee and just leaving him on his own? Maybe I would act differently if I had two children who could play together or were slightly older.

Then again, as others have said, there is usually good reason to supervise your own child, as there are pretty much always bigger children running wild in the toddler area, knocking younger children over and being generally unpleasant, without a parent in sight!

I agree that children learn through playing and rough and tumble can be part of that, but how do children learn right from wrong if they are just left on their own in such situations? I think intervention is sometimes needed and I would always encourage my child to say sorry and give something back if he had snatched for example. Yes it is normal toddler behaviour, but doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be addressed.

Add to that, very quick to suggest that the parents of autistic kids shouldn’t bring them to softplay if they don’t like her attitude.

I tend to be more towards the "relaxed" part of the spectrum (especially now we have two). I wonder if some of the "hovery" parents are in some cases ones who don't get as much time with the children, and so are keen to spend the day more actively WITH them iyswim.

Not sure about parents getting annoyed with toddlers or other parents though?? We go to lots of soft play and play cafes, and haven't seen this (touch wood! Sounds awful). We live in Bristol, maybe it's for some reason a regional thing? It would be quite the faux pas here I think.

Mum won't be in the classroom but teacher and TA will be, and they won't be turning a blind eye to snatching and playfighting.

I think op sounds too hands off.

I also browse my phone and have a cup of tea at the soft play but it sounds like I have a way lower threshold for intervention than op does. As soon as my dd even starts to interact with another child I'm looking up from my phone because it could escalate out of nowhere.

I do think there is a correlation with boisterous behaviour and lack of parental intervention, of course there is.

Another one to agree with this - it’s definitely my experience in the few soft play centres I’ve been to! Also, some parents might simply be with their children as they will not otherwise go in. Nothing to do with helicopter parenting but trying to encourage their child to see the activity isn’t scary! Not every child will throw themselves in first or second time..

On the basis of your post yanbu. But I honestly have never seen parents micro manage this much. Only when the other child is repeatedly being out of order. I can't help but wonder if you're missing what's really happening.

Yes. I agree.

@Mummy08m your assumption about my behaviour is BS. I also stay close and watch when DD is playing with another child. I just don't intervene unless there's actually an issue.. I don't think kids chasing each other and having fun is an issue. I think arguing over blocks is an issue and I intervene when that happens.

DD has no issues at preschool whatsoever. Teachers are happy with her. She's doing the things children her age do and is a very happy, sociable and outgoing girl.

But I understand you want to paint me out as a lazy/ hands off mum. I'm not.

My post wasn't even about whether I was lazy / didn't intervene enough- it was about whether I am too relaxed about the scuffles that take place because I don't go red with rage like you lot do, when a little boy pulls my daughter's dress during play and makes her cry. It was also about whether we can sometimes supervise and watch a situation play out for a couple of seconds to see what choices our children make in the moment.

But it's all good. I got some sensible replies- some kids need to have their parents hovering because they need to protect them, that's fine.

I still don't agree with being blind with rage when someone pushes in front of your kid on a slide or excludes them from a game or snatches a foam block from them. I think those things happen while kids are learning and as long as the parent is there to support and apologise, there's no issue and I will continue to think that parents who show annoyance at stuff like that are just being a bit silly.

Depends on the ages of the kids. I think generally yanbu. But there are some absolute terrors in softplay sometimes. I hate parents who just let their older kids bounce about the baby area when there's very young babies in it.

I am quite lax and just let my kids get on with it but I do keep a general eye and I'd never let them go in the baby area unless it was empty and I do intervene in any fights/snatching toys situations.
I certainly do not follow my kids round the soft play tho. I think I did until around the age of 3 maybe 4. Now I just sit with a book.
Have come across some feral beasts tho. A toddler once came into the baby section and bit my daughters face. My daughter was 1 and this toddler latched onto her face so much I actually had to be quite forceful to get this child off her. Left tooth marks in my daughters face. And there was literally no parents to be seen. Even as we were leaving that little beast was just tottering round unattended.
Another time two around about 7 year olds put a large soft brick over my 2yo son and started jumping up and down on top of him. And I was right there they did this in front of me. I actually saw red so much I hit one of them with the soft brick whilst shouting and they both ran away. Not an ideal response but it all happened so quickly.
If your child is a maniac u must have some idea they are and you should be keeping an eye on them

That's terrible. Our soft play isn't like that.

Occasionally the older ones get a little wild, but the parents quite quickly put a stop to it. On the whole it's really tame. I've never seen anyone get hurt there.

99 percent of the time the kids play really nicely together. It's just occasionally that there's an issue. But in my opinion it's nothing extreme and the parents are usually really good at dealing with it and are on it.

Just some get a bit precious about it, if their child is left out or gets upset about something like someone taking their block. Happens to my DD all the time. She's often at the receiving end and other times not. It is what it is.

Whew you really are aggressive in this response, why?! I just said I had a lower threshold than you. I didn't call you lazy. I didn't criticise your daughter.

It was this, specifically, I disagree with from your op:

Sometimes there are fights and kids will snatch things from my DD or she will snatch stuff from other kids and make them cry and vice versa. I think this is all normal stuff

I myself don't think all that is normal stuff. I myself prefer to act pre-emptively if I see it's about to start.

There's really no need to fire up when someone disagrees with you as mildly as I've done.

@Mummy08m yes you're right, my post was super aggressive. I'm sorry about that.

I'm just getting frustrated because my post was about whether I'm too relaxed when my DD is being wronged and people keep accusing my DD of being bad and causing issues and me not caring. Which isn't really what it was about and it's also not true. If you saw me at the soft play you'd see that I really care about my DD and I'm trying hard to teach her how to behave and I don't want her to upset other children.

Genuine question about your remark about stepping in before things 'kick off'. I think it depends on the situation. I'm trying to see if my DD is learning how to share / take turns/ be decent. If I don't give her the opportunity to show that she can do the right thing by watching what happens, then how will she know or I know that she can do the right thing?

It totally depends on the situation, but I've definitely seen her do the right thing and be kind to other children etc. if I had stepped in immediately, then I wouldn't have seen that and she wouldn't have had the chance to do the right thing.

Example was when a child had their own toy at the soft play ( this always causes problems ) and she initially wanted to play with it and the child didn't want her to play with it. Later on the child had left it out and she took it and obviously as soon as the child saw this, he was blind with rage and upset. She returned it and said sorry, without me intervening. Another time the reverse happened and she had a toy another child really wanted and eventually she let the child play with it. I could have stepped in before and taken her away from said child with her toy to stop the situation, but I let it play out. I just don't believe I'm a terrible mother for this.

!!! That’s wild!

That's ok, it's good of you to cone back. No one is saying you're a terrible mum, at least not me.

I'm a teacher (of way older kids but I find the principles are similar with my 3yo dd).

If I see that, say, dd and another child want the same toy and are about to get confrontational, I just step nearer and say something in a cheerful tone like "what's all this then?" And it resolves itself quickly because both kids know that starting a row won't be well received.

I don't confiscate the toy or seize it from one child to give to the other. Usually just me being there and putting on my teacher voice makes one kid say "it's ok you have it" and pass it over. Or the kids might start negotiating about taking turns, knowing they have an independent arbitrator watching (me). I think that's good learning.

If you let kids "just sort it out" there's no incentive for the biggest and strongest not to just grab it, imo. It becomes survival of the most boisterous. Which is not good learning for the stronger or the weaker one in the interaction.

You might say I'm overthinking it, and it's ok to disagree, we all do parenting differently

I get annoyed when parents just dump their child and then completely ignore what they are doing. For example you get a kid that’s virtually terrorising the other children and the parent is sitting with their back turned, scrolling through her phone. That’s not on. At a museum once, my children were quietly colouring and drawing at a table, with lots of paper and crayons. Another child was busy scribbling on my child’s drawing but then proceeded to throw all the crayons and paper on the floor. The mother was busy on her phone. These places are not somewhere you dump your child and absolve yourself of any responsibility.

I think it's important to always be keeping an eye on a child to ensure that they aren't pushing/snatching/being mean to other children. Mine is 16 months so I'm always with her but I've seen little horrors go around hitting and shoving and there's no parents stepping in to tell them off. I've also seen older kids invade the baby/toddler area and be far too rough, especially when there are actual little babies/toddlers in there. Personally I'd be telling mine to get out of that area if she was older but again, parents don't seem to care.

Mum won't be in the classroom but teacher and TA will be, and they won't be turning a blind eye to snatching and playfighting.

^ this. It gets clamped down on when they start school. DD went to preschool with a little boy who would always snatch, be too full on in play, be "boisterous" (a few times I was pulled to one side to explain why she had a large red mark on her arm, face, or similar, it was always this child being 'too OTT in play'). Preschool did what they could, but it is preschool. It isn't tolerated at school. His snatching and OTT play that results in kids getting hurt is not permitted and the teacher steps in every time.

I think you’re fine OP. I have a just turned 2yo and a 3mo. I can’t hover as I can’t physically follow my toddler up the big stuff with the baby, even in an carrier.

Am i the only one reading between the lines here?

I don't think you should've let her play with that toy. You knew it was a personal toy, you could have said pop that back it's not ours

Normal child scuffles are fine, as long as kids aren't being down right nasty with kicking, pinching, biting etc, they do need to learn how to interact in this way unfortunately. My bug bear with Softplay is the parents who just use it as a time to completely switch off and not even know where their kids are let alone watch them, and then their bigger kids go into day the under 3s section, when they are quite clearly 4/5/6years old. They hurtle about and throw themselves around in the smaller kids bit with no regard for the much smaller children they may hurt and not a parent in sight, I wouldn't dream of letting my kid do that when there is a much larger area for older children. The age limit is for a reason, to keep the smaller ones safer.

As a new parent to a 2 month old, I haven't had to deal with this kind of behaviour yet, so I don't know for sure what my initial reaction would be until I'm watching these behaviours, but I have a feeling it would be more towards the overbearing parents as a gut reaction. But you are absolutely right, children do need to have their fun without mummy and daddy being on top of them. Let them work it out between them unless their behaviour is dangerous or downright mean. Great post, you've opened my eyes to what life will be like in a few years. I feel like this will stick in my head when I start to see this behaviour and I'll be telling myself to calm the f down 😂

It's normal for children to be children and learn from kids around them. They learn empathy when they experience emotions, hurt, jealousy etc.
You are right to teach your child to apologise and to make sure they are not abusing another child on purpose..

Out door parks are also good for bounding and gross motor skills play. They teach your kid how rough they can be on hard ground before they hurt themselves. Noise disipates before getting too loud and that can be a blessing.

I don't think you should've let her play with that toy. You knew it was a personal toy, you could have said pop that back it's not ours

I didn't ' let her play ' with the toy. She literally picked it up and the child saw it straight away and reacted. To which she returned it and said sorry. It was a good thing it happened and I was able to see that things are sinking in for her. 6 months ago she may have just run off with it. There was literally no need for me to intervene.

My dc was once strangled by a child with learning difficulties several years older than them.
I am so glad I was hovering about because their cater/parent was not there and did not witness it. If I hadn’t intervened I don’t know what would have happened. I did not say anything to the child nor go find their parent/cater, I have ADHD and I do understand. But hovering about your children isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I watch mine closely because they can become very overexcited and get out of hand. So I am trying to prevent anything dangerous from happening, and that incident I am so glad I am a hovering parent because if I wasn’t there it could have been horrendous.

Let parents parent how they want to. You have a more relaxed approach than others. They know their own business, you don’t. There is enough judgment about parents without adding in stuff like this.