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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH says women don't have hobbies

214 replies

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 18:19

DH just went to play video games (again) and I commented on it in jest. Got us into a conversation about hobbies. He has a lot. I have none but it was my new year resolution to "find one"

He just said me doing have found one is evidence of what he always thought that women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies and that old as time women have told men to stop their hobbies and its because we don't understand having proper interests

I argued that the reason I and some women don't have them is too busy putting everyone else first...I work full time, have kids, etc

He said that's bollocks and if women wanted to play sports/chess/video games (as he does)....

He's talking bollocks right? But I don't know why I haven't found my "thing" as I guess I could just leave the house one evening

Would be interested in thoughts.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/09/2023 10:43

Why is he only working 3.5 days?

Parenting teams where one parent works half the amount of time js usually set up that way so they do childcare/housework/cooking etc for the family during that free time.

Then the weekends and evenings are shared.

Is that not happening here?

Conkersinautumn · 17/09/2023 10:44

He's a dick. That's the explanation. It's really not you. He's got zero idea of women's lives because he's not learned anything in his x years. He's ignorant and too busy with his own gratification to understand others are different to him

randobear · 17/09/2023 10:46

your husband's hobby is chatting misogynist bollocks by the sound of things!

GabriellaMontez · 17/09/2023 10:47

You should start a new thread about your ŵorkshy, but hobby loving husband. And the best way to leave him.

If you've got time after working every day and doing everything for the children and most stuff in the house...

Ponderence · 17/09/2023 10:48

He’s talking nonsense. I have hobbies. They are prioritised as much as they can be around what else is going on as are my husbands. I do sport/ gym etc. If you want a hobby get a hobby x

CandyLeBonBon · 17/09/2023 10:53

SisterJo · 17/09/2023 10:39

I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with this man. If women don’t have hobbies it’s mostly because WE DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME LEFT AFTER DOING EVERYTHING ELSE!

This^ honestly I'm steaming on your behalf op.

CatherinedeBourgh · 17/09/2023 10:58

EasierThanTherapy · 17/09/2023 08:00

@Defiantjazz you're right. I shouldn't have to ask. But living with my husband makes me feel like I'm going mad. He's got so many theories and bulldozes me, and starts saying to me "so you explain to me why you don't have things you like outside of home and work, it's not time because I'll give you time, you just don't want to do it because home is enough for you" and I can't explain how but I start doubting myself and think maybe it's true. Now I've written it down and read all the comments I've realised how ridiculous that is. I can't explain how maddening it is to live with H I guess.

So take the time. Go out or get him to take the kids out for three evenings a week. And tell him the things you need done in order to be able to take your time, so it doesn't interfere with your headspace.

It doesn't matter what you do, just say it's 'your hobby'. Once you have had the time allocated you will be able to give yourself the space to reconnect with yourself, and maybe do something you enjoy.

And if he doesn't up his game and do the things you need, you both have your answer. You don't have hobbies because he doesn't give you the space to do it.

Defiantjazz · 17/09/2023 10:59

My advice? Do less around the house and develop interests of your own. A few nights of no dinner on the table might get him to alter his views!

I think OP said he does the cooking and his own laundry but she does all the other tasks.
I agree she should do less and focus on other things though. I’m guessing not all of the tasks are 100% necessary.

SisterJo · 17/09/2023 11:01

I’ve just read your 08:00 post @EasierThanTherapy your DH is not a nice man, he’s gaslighting you “home is enough for you”?! You don’t know how strongly I’d be telling this man to fuck out.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 17/09/2023 11:03

EasierThanTherapy · 17/09/2023 08:00

@Defiantjazz you're right. I shouldn't have to ask. But living with my husband makes me feel like I'm going mad. He's got so many theories and bulldozes me, and starts saying to me "so you explain to me why you don't have things you like outside of home and work, it's not time because I'll give you time, you just don't want to do it because home is enough for you" and I can't explain how but I start doubting myself and think maybe it's true. Now I've written it down and read all the comments I've realised how ridiculous that is. I can't explain how maddening it is to live with H I guess.

How dare he say 'I'll give you time' as if it were his to give. I think you need to start taking time for yourself, even if you just sit in the park with a book.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/09/2023 11:07

He is trying to frame your lack of time and the difficulty you have in making space for your interests as an inherent part of your personality, and as a natural part of being female.

He may or may not really believe those things himself, but one thing is certain - the reason he's saying them to you is to make sure you stay in your role and don't choose to claim any of that free time that he's pretending he'd gladly 'give' you. Call his bluff. Take some time. I bet he'll find reasons why it's not convenient, or try to make you feel bad about 'neglecting' your other responsibilities. Don't let him!

aloris · 17/09/2023 16:03

EasierThanTherapy · 17/09/2023 08:00

@Defiantjazz you're right. I shouldn't have to ask. But living with my husband makes me feel like I'm going mad. He's got so many theories and bulldozes me, and starts saying to me "so you explain to me why you don't have things you like outside of home and work, it's not time because I'll give you time, you just don't want to do it because home is enough for you" and I can't explain how but I start doubting myself and think maybe it's true. Now I've written it down and read all the comments I've realised how ridiculous that is. I can't explain how maddening it is to live with H I guess.

Wow, this is a very hostile way for him to frame this conversation. But if he wants to go there, I suppose you could meet him halfway and take the time. If he plays golf for an entire day every Saturday, you take alternate Saturdays to spend the whole day doing [something outside the house]. Yeah he's probably not going to like having to give up alternate Saturdays. I predict what will happen is he'll say
-he'll take Saturdays and you take Sundays
-oh of course he wants to give you alternate Saturdays but this Saturday he can't because Bob will be there and he only sees Bob once a year. And he also can't give you next Saturday because he has to be at work for a long day on Friday and will need to do his hobby on Saturday to recover and so on. In effect, it will never happen, but he'll always have an excuse.
-you'll take your turn and will come back to an absolute disaster zone at home which will make your Sunday worse than usual because you'll have to clean up all the mess he left
-you going on Sundays won't work because even in your regular schedule you need to prep for the school week on Sunday afternoons, so you'd have to be back early anyway to get that done.

In addition, I've had these conversations where the other person says "The reason can't be the thing you said it is, because of this criterion that I just made up that I declare to be true and you can't argue with it because I said so." This is actually just a way to channel the argument in the direction he wants it to go. It's saying that he knows your feelings and motivations better than you do. It's very condescending and a little bit gaslighting, IMO.

The hobby thing. I don't have hobbies now, except for surfing the internet maybe. And part of the reason is that after looking after the family, I am really too tired to invest any energy in a hobby. My order of priorities is:
1.obligations
2.rest
3.hobby.

I never get to 3 because I never get enough of 2. This is partly because, as a woman, 1 is never done - you are never done with the housework, never done with the laundry etc. Any time you sit down, you remember something else that you should be doing. This leads to two things. A - when you are at rest, it's not perfect rest, it's contaminated rest, because it's really just a pause to catch your breath before you start your next round of obligations. There is never a time I can sit on my couch and say "AAAh, done for the day, now I can relax and take some guilt-free rest time." It's always just "Ok I have 20 min before the kids will be back. I'll call the dentist but I think I'll put the kettle on in case there's time for a cuppa after I make their dentist appointments." B - there is never enough rest time because you are always trying to catch up with the things you're supposed to be doing, that you haven't done yet. So you never get to the point where you are "ready" for 3, because you haven't completed 2 yet. For example, if I sit down with a book now, I just fall asleep. I can't even absorb what's on the page, I'm too tired.

I believe this phenomenon is why men don't want to do housework or why they tend to say "Just give me a list and I'll do it." A list allows them to limit their obligations. When they finish the list, they are done, and they can get that mental "stop" that allows them to feel free. They can stop thinking about it. But you retain ownership of the housework, so you are never done. There's always something more to do.

EasierThanTherapy · 17/09/2023 18:07

God he is in an absolutely foul mood. He couldnt go to the gym this morning as we had a kids party and all 4 of us were invited (my DH is friends with the kids dad). I guess since he came out with his theory last night too I haven't haven't v warm to him and I have explained that i thought it was a pretty ridiculous thing to say. He is THUNDER today. So weird how someone can not shout or even speak and the whole atmosphere is awful. My dad was the same. I told him he can go to the gym tomorrow evening and I'll do the kids bath and bed by myself and he said "ill be too tired obviously"

I'm gonna get a plan going tomorrow. Find some time to myself. Thank you for all being kind.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2023 18:14

Divorce him.

aloris · 17/09/2023 18:39

Oh good grief. He's too tired to go to the gym tomorrow because he went to a party today but you should have energy for hobbies after doing endless mom work all week? Can he hear himself?

SistersNotCisters · 17/09/2023 18:46

What a load of shite.

I'm a gamer, primarily Xbox.
I'm a tech fan.
I'm a Trekkie.
I'm also a fantasy book addict.
I cook for fun.
I used to ride horses.
I'm a keen gardener and grow fruit and veg.

My husband has two hobbies and that's it.

JustKen · 17/09/2023 19:31

My mum (now retired, in the autumn years):

*WI
Lawn bowls
Volunteers at a library
Watercolour painting
Rambling
Travel/holidays
The occasional spa day with her friends
Cross stitch and embroidery
Knitting
*
Me:

Cycling No Lycra or time trials, just pootling about
*Reading
Days out to historical sites
Rambling
Travel/holidays
*
Women definitely have hobbies.

JustKen · 17/09/2023 19:33

JustKen · 17/09/2023 19:31

My mum (now retired, in the autumn years):

*WI
Lawn bowls
Volunteers at a library
Watercolour painting
Rambling
Travel/holidays
The occasional spa day with her friends
Cross stitch and embroidery
Knitting
*
Me:

Cycling No Lycra or time trials, just pootling about
*Reading
Days out to historical sites
Rambling
Travel/holidays
*
Women definitely have hobbies.

Ah the thread has moved on. My apologies.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/09/2023 19:36

I did read a comment once that most of women's traditional hobbies are in fact more work. Sewing, knitting, cooking etc.

This is before we went out on the lash with the girls on a Friday evening, of course.

SuperNewMe · 17/09/2023 19:41

@andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow
but time "outside" of family is important too, and one day, your kids will be grown and you'll find that you've lost yourself
Completely agree with this, so important to do something for yourself too you enjoy, as you say it's harder when you have more spare time and have neglected yourself for years and don't know what to do without your kids who are increasingly off doing their own thing (as is perfectly natural!)

MaryJanesonabreak · 17/09/2023 19:47

I think your first hobby is leaving the house for a couple of hours, at bedtime and tidy up time, to sit in a coffee shop and read a book.

EasierThanTherapy · 17/09/2023 19:47

@JustKen not at all! I'm very much enjoying reading everyone's hobbies. Inspiring me to get out and try new things. My husband being an arsehole is a reality I'm slowly absorbing, but I'm also v much in the market for some new hobbies too.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/09/2023 19:47

I don't. I sit at home rocking back and forth. I don't even put the television on. The buttons on the remote would hurt my lady brain.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/09/2023 19:48

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/09/2023 19:47

I don't. I sit at home rocking back and forth. I don't even put the television on. The buttons on the remote would hurt my lady brain.

I do really.

Most of mine are fitness related:

Martial arts
Weight training
HiiT

I'm also a member of a book club and a drinking club.

80skid · 17/09/2023 19:53

My husband said to me years ago that no one will ever GIVE you time, you have to TAKE it.

Whilst I really hope you get the time to decompress, learn, grow and enjoy with whatever hobby or hobbies you choose, I can't help but think this man is not bringing much to the party, this is not a happy, equal or respectful marriage and that you would be much happier (also with much more free time!) if you called a day on it.

All the best to you. This has become your normal over a long time. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest supporter. I'm sad to say, you are the supporting role and he is taking the mick

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