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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says women don't have hobbies

214 replies

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 18:19

DH just went to play video games (again) and I commented on it in jest. Got us into a conversation about hobbies. He has a lot. I have none but it was my new year resolution to "find one"

He just said me doing have found one is evidence of what he always thought that women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies and that old as time women have told men to stop their hobbies and its because we don't understand having proper interests

I argued that the reason I and some women don't have them is too busy putting everyone else first...I work full time, have kids, etc

He said that's bollocks and if women wanted to play sports/chess/video games (as he does)....

He's talking bollocks right? But I don't know why I haven't found my "thing" as I guess I could just leave the house one evening

Would be interested in thoughts.

OP posts:
birdglasspen · 16/09/2023 18:40

Sounds like his are just acting like a child. Grown up men playing video games hmmmmm. Of course woman have hobbies, what nonsense.

tokennamechange · 16/09/2023 18:41

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 18:25

Yeah of course you're all right. I know that. Stupid post.

I'm just miffed as to why I haven't got any interests at all and he has about 7. I thought he understood it as because I struggle to find time but apparently it's because he thinks I'm basically an idiot.

I can understand not having time to have hobbies, but how on earth do you not have any interests? Are you really not interested in anything?

Agree that someone who legitimately think that no women have or are capable of having interests isn't someone who I could ever respect , firstly because they are clearly sexist and secondly because he must be incredibly stupid. Has he never spoken to a woman beside you?

What are all his 7 hobbies that are solely male based and don't have any women in them at all? I honestly can't think of 1 thing that ONLY men do. Even if he is, for example in a men's 5 a side football team he must still be aware that there is a female equivalent?

StBrides · 16/09/2023 18:42

One of my hobbies is pointing out 20th century sexism when I come across it.

Oh look - there it is, in your husband's opinions!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 16/09/2023 18:44

I argued that the reason I and some women don't have them is too busy putting everyone else first...I work full time, have kids, etc

Well that is true for women with partners who don't do their fair share, or for women who have been brought up to accept that women shouldn't have hobbies because doing the housework and looking after the kids shpuld be enough for them. Or if they are single mothers and can't find time for hobbies. But if they have a fair and equal partner, there is no reason why they wouldn't have as many hobbies as men. That 'women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies' thing is utter bollocks. I know loads of women who are very involved in hobbies.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 16/09/2023 18:45

StBrides · 16/09/2023 18:42

One of my hobbies is pointing out 20th century sexism when I come across it.

Oh look - there it is, in your husband's opinions!

You must have your hands full with that as a hobby 😆

AGoodDayForSomebodyElseToDie · 16/09/2023 18:45

If women don’t have hobbies, what the fuck have I been doing all day? I must have been hallucinating or something.

Honestly, some men are such absolute pillocks.

OriginalUsername2 · 16/09/2023 18:46

birdglasspen · 16/09/2023 18:40

Sounds like his are just acting like a child. Grown up men playing video games hmmmmm. Of course woman have hobbies, what nonsense.

A lot of games are pretty grown-up! They’re not playing Cooking Mama.

dudsville · 16/09/2023 18:47

I have always read, so that's a hobby, but i didn't have others until about a decade ago when i took up others. But also i think being social is a hobby. Essentially things that aren't required to make life happen, so cleaning house isn't a hobby, but having an interest in making a house a home, and decorating are, to me anyway.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 16/09/2023 18:47

I will say that it is hard to find a hobby op when you are so used to not doing anything. It feels daunting at times, it can be hard to think of something to do. If you've not been used to doing things then how do you know what you enjoy?

But I would encourage you to look up local groups, classes, sports etc and give things a go until you find something that fits. Whether it is a book group, knit and natter or a sport.

I didn't do anything for years when dc were small. I've turned that around now and I do a sport twice a week plus volunteer which is once a week regularly plus some weekends when events are on. This morning I fancied another sport so I went out first thing and did it.

It sounds a lot but dh also volunteers weekly and plays sport 1-2 times a week.

We make it work around family life by doing things that fit in around the hobbies the dc have, eg what can we get to and do while dc is at their hobby so we can drop them off, do ours and pick them up? So my sport wasn't really something I might have done but I needed something and it fitted in so I tried it and loved it. Not all the time of course but it means that we can both have our things but also see each other sometimes!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2023 18:49

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 16/09/2023 18:38

I think men tend to use their hobbies to supplement their ego and need to have a lot of expensive shit to prove how Really Good they are at their hobby (fishing, cycling, golf) OR they use their hobby in lieu of real-emotional social connection (football team etc).

I also think women tend to use their hobbies to legitimise their downtime- sewing, knitting, baking, painting, crafting. They have to make something for someone or feel like they're doing something productive in order to shed off the mental load.

Don't forget the hobbles to make themselves look good. 'Pampering' is about 70% about looking better.

And yes golf, cycling, ultra-marathons... all those full day, ego hobbies are essentially family-avoidance tactics.

Comedycook · 16/09/2023 18:50

Women are probably far less likely to have hobbies because they have more caring responsibilities than men. Nothing says male privilege like the Sunday morning middle class middle aged men cyclists...

StBrides · 16/09/2023 18:50

LetMeEnfoldYou · 16/09/2023 18:45

You must have your hands full with that as a hobby 😆

Show quote history

It's pretty time consuming, I've been thinking about monetising...

fruitstick · 16/09/2023 18:51

I think this is partly true.

Not that women don't have hobbies, but men's hobbies tend to be more time specific.

This is a ruse to carve out time for themselves, whereas women are usually forced to fit their hobbies in around other people.

So football (match time), golf, fishing, cycling (usually long rides), motorsports. It's has a designated time and space.

My hobbies tend to be reading, writing, running, swimming but they often get jostled out.

Comedycook · 16/09/2023 18:53

This is absolutely an issue though...they portray it in Motherland when Julia's husband Paul is training for a triathlon...the pinnacle of a middle class man's hobby!

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 16/09/2023 18:54

This is a ruse to carve out time for themselves, whereas women are usually forced to fit their hobbies in around other people.

I don't think women are forced to do that. From reading threads on here, a lot of women don't want to give up family time in order to pursue a hobby - it's like they feel guilty for not prioritising DC for once.

BackOfTheMum5net · 16/09/2023 18:54

Please tell him that women with selfish husbands that don’t pull their weight don’t have hobbies, because they don’t have the time.

My hobbies are dance, music and paddleboarding, among others.

continentallentil · 16/09/2023 18:54

I would be more miffed about being married to a sexist Twat.

is he doing half the housework, childcare and life admin? If not I would change that now. And while you think about what hobbies you want, maybe just join the hunt so he gets used to you being out.

GoryBory · 16/09/2023 18:56

I don’t think many women do have hobbies and often threads prove that.

But often that’s because the mother is the default parent and doesn’t have the energy to do one.

The men may say they’d look after the kids for an hour but how many do or they don’t take on the mental load and therefore don’t understand that the women has no energy left, even if she had an hour to herself.

GoryBory · 16/09/2023 18:57

How many threads are about their DH’s hobbies.

I know this site is predominantly women but I’ve never seen a thread about a DWs hobby taking over family life.

Original poster
EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 19:02

Sorry I do have interests. I shouldn't have expressed it like that. I read and am v interested in politics and wildlife.. That's about it in recent times. I dont go to anything.

I'm the main earner in the house and can work a lot during the week and the kids are pretty attached to me at home (they're v young) so he can easily go on his computer to game and play chess.

I need to be more disciplined and just do something for myseld. He's not stopping me. But weeks go by and somehow he has been to the gym 5 times and played chess and I've read for 5 mins in bed.

I have been really sad at some of his views recently but this one takes the biscuit. I didn't realise he thought so little of me. And all women apparently.

OP posts:
fruitnutz · 16/09/2023 19:03

A very popular trope in manosphere communities. Ick.

PositiveLife · 16/09/2023 19:04

I'm a single parent, work full time and I have loads of hobbies.
The easiest way to find one (or more) is to just go and try things. Say yes to all the opportunities. You'll find something you enjoy and it often leads to others.

ZickZack · 16/09/2023 19:06

It actually made me laugh to think of how stupid your oh is, op. To think half the world don't have hobbies? 😅 what an absolute idiot.
For the record, I'm a woman. I write books, hike and read at the moment. Usully I'd also be learning Spanish / Italian, doing a martial art, and gaming on my ps4 but I have two small children (one breastfeeding so I can't leave him with anyone too long) so I don't have as much time as I used to. Luckily, I have a husband who understands women have hobbies 😅so I get time to do mine when he takes the kids out to give me a break.

boromu222 · 16/09/2023 19:07

He thinks women don't play sports?

Even without the thousands of other hobbies women have, he thinks WOMEN don't play SPORTS?

Does he have the IQ of a potato?

jaspertown · 16/09/2023 19:09

"Women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies" - he said that?! In 2023?!

I've a hobby for you, build a time machine to send the fucker back to the 1800s