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Original poster

DH says women don't have hobbies

214 replies

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 18:19

DH just went to play video games (again) and I commented on it in jest. Got us into a conversation about hobbies. He has a lot. I have none but it was my new year resolution to "find one"

He just said me doing have found one is evidence of what he always thought that women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies and that old as time women have told men to stop their hobbies and its because we don't understand having proper interests

I argued that the reason I and some women don't have them is too busy putting everyone else first...I work full time, have kids, etc

He said that's bollocks and if women wanted to play sports/chess/video games (as he does)....

He's talking bollocks right? But I don't know why I haven't found my "thing" as I guess I could just leave the house one evening

Would be interested in thoughts.

OP posts:
whatkatydid2013 · 16/09/2023 22:04

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2023 21:33

If you aren't ready to leave (and you should) throw everything into gaining equality at home. Claw back time he has when you're working. Come home on his days off and say, "right, now's my 6/7/8 hours off" and put your feet up. Have a spreadsheet when you log your time to yourselves. Put it where everyone can see it. Do everything to get what you need. Never let it go or give in for an 'easy' life and give him the jobs. If there is anyone this will affect who will judge him not you, make sure they are aware.

Honestly, he won't want to do the work you do long-term. But even if he does step up and want 50% if you split, this is actually a good thing. He will have to do some parenting, which is ultimately good for your boys.

And yes, his views are loathsome. Are there any good, strong, king, healthy men around? Dad, brothers, friends?

Show quote history

Absolutely this. Also do it in a way that suits what you will enjoy. So for us I usually have a couple of evenings a week where I’m out & I go for a walk along to the bay/swim a couple of times a week. I also have a whole day out or weekend away every couple of months. OH is big into cycling so is much more regularly out all day one day at the weekend. So I have kids alone all day for one day maybe 3 in 5 weekends and a few times a year it’s the whole weekend. On the other hand he very rarely goes out in the evening and if he does it’s just for an hour or two straight from work so he’s home in time to take over for bedtime and he does both the drop off and pick up one day a week so I can work a longer day and free up some time to swim at lunch when wfh. Overall I think he probably does get more hours of time that me but in fairness some of them are when I’m asleep as he has stupidly early starts for his day long treks on the bike

tokennamechange · 16/09/2023 22:10

does he think the women who go to his gym got lost on their way to the supermarket or something? Are they wandering around the cross-trainer looking confused, wondering where the cereal aisle is? Or does he just assume they go there because they are vain and want to look good but aren't serious about it like he is?
Video games isn't a surprise because although there are loads of female gamers its notoriously sexist.
The absolute audacity when you bring home the most money, work the longest hours, do the majority of the childcare and chores, to think the reason you don't have more hobbies (the ones you do have definitely count btw!) is because you don't have the interest rather than because he doesn't pull his weight!

Creepyrosemary · 16/09/2023 22:13

I have hobbies. I just have much less time for them than DH since I'm the default parent, cat stroker and cleaner.

Errolwasahero · 16/09/2023 22:18

Please don’t be so hard on yourself! You have been putting others first, and there is a time for that with children at least. Now it’s time to carve out some time for yourself and insist he steps up to the mark. Whether he does or not is up to him.

we can’t see it until we see it. Don’t bash yourself for not doing before now!

Spottywombat · 16/09/2023 22:37

You're not an idiot.

He's done a number on you. You're probably too tired to think straight.

Take some time, look at the situation strategically, plan! That can be your new hobby for a while...it will be well worth it.

BogRollBOGOF · 16/09/2023 23:06

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 22:03

@MrsTerryPratchett yes, I will try to do this. I do try to give him jobs or take time for myself but it's like getting blood from a stone. I'd known there was an unfair imbalance for some time but I thought he was just lazy but he actually thinks I spend more time sorting uniforms and cleaning toilets because I haven't got any desire to do anything else. Other than go to work to pay for everything of course.

No role models. My dad is a bit of a sexist too to be honest. All my friends are female. My exs are all versions of DH.

I'm an idiot. A bloody idiot.

You're not an idiot at all. It's a sexist, patriachial world and it can take a long time to see through that default.

Many women often buy in to a version of "equality" of matching up to men, but too often it's a trap where women do more, and men don't pick up and share the more traditional female roles/ work. That leaves little time for quality hobbies/ recreation/ down time.

Women have as much right to time to themselves as men. We may often do different things with it, but carving out time to do things to enrich our sense of self is so important.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2023 23:40

I'm an idiot. A bloody idiot.

Oh no, that doesn't fly here. You don't get to blame yourself.

You were asleep, now you're awake. Sorry because it's a terrible transition to seeing it. But you'll soon be a happy demanding harridan nag joyless witch. Come on in, the water's lovely Grin

Notpooryet · 16/09/2023 23:40

He's wrong and you're right.
Also he's a knob

Spottywombat · 17/09/2023 07:29

If you get some hobbies, he will moan like hell. Just watch.

Work out how much hobby time he has too. Really think about how time is carved up. Outsource stuff to the DC too.

Defiantjazz · 17/09/2023 07:38

Would be interested in thoughts

I think it’s weird that a grown ass man is playing video games.
I also think he sounds like a tedious sexist arse.
Yes of course it’s possible for women to have interests - do you really have to ask?

Original poster
EasierThanTherapy · 17/09/2023 08:00

@Defiantjazz you're right. I shouldn't have to ask. But living with my husband makes me feel like I'm going mad. He's got so many theories and bulldozes me, and starts saying to me "so you explain to me why you don't have things you like outside of home and work, it's not time because I'll give you time, you just don't want to do it because home is enough for you" and I can't explain how but I start doubting myself and think maybe it's true. Now I've written it down and read all the comments I've realised how ridiculous that is. I can't explain how maddening it is to live with H I guess.

OP posts:
ZadocPDederick · 17/09/2023 08:05

I wouldn't describe video gaming as a hobby. I think there's a definition difference between a hobby and something you do to amuse yourself and pass the time at home, and video gaming clearly falls into the second category.

Can you find any wildlife supporting organisations near you? Are you interested in supporting any local political parties?

Spottywombat · 17/09/2023 08:29

It's gaslighting.

Dont get into the discussion.

Are you ND btw?

We are more likely to be confudddled by this sort of dick manipulation because of shame & working memory deficits. There's more to it obv but I ask because it sounds like you're running around but not getting anywhere.

Spottywombat · 17/09/2023 08:30

And he really has done a number on you...

disappearingfish · 17/09/2023 08:41

I think it's a reflection of a society that women are encouraged - implicitly and explicitly- from a young age to put away toys and games and fun and concentrate on the serious business of looking after a man, a house and children.

www.tiktok.com/@etalkctv/video/7258354649579769094?lang=en

Cornishclio · 17/09/2023 08:44

It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you and isn't supportive. I think if you have young children it is difficult to carve time out for yourself but I have always had hobbies.

Errolwasahero · 17/09/2023 09:02

Op my ex used to do this to me, and like @Spottywombat I’ve ended up realising that I’m ND, which is why it worked. I’d end up thinking he had a point and I must be wrong, simply because I was so bombarded I couldn’t think for myself. Take care op and prove him wrong x

Thomasina79 · 17/09/2023 09:05

It’s always been my view that men, especially older men have hobbies to get out of their family responsibilities. My advice? Do less around the house and develop interests of your own. A few nights of no dinner on the table might get him to alter his views!

Hibiscrubbed · 17/09/2023 09:10

”so you explain to me why you don't have things you like outside of home and work, it's not time because I'll give you time, you just don't want to do it because home is enough for you”

Fuck me, what a cunt.

You pay for everything, you say? Get him gone. He’ll have to pay for himself and look after himself then. And don’t worry, he won’t ‘get the kids’.

Comtesse · 17/09/2023 09:27

it sounds like you don’t have hobbies because your so bloody busy. If you worked 3.5 days a week you too would have time for other interests (he’s a slacker btw) but I bet they would be better than “watching sexist arseholes on the internet”.

I would be bloody furious about working longer hours, earning more money, and doing more with the kids/ house while he faffs around with his 7 hobbies but tells you that you don’t have the imagination to have other interests.

He is taking the absolute piss.

LuciaPillson · 17/09/2023 09:28

To be fair it's incredible how much research your husband has done. To have personally surveyed 4 billion women, analysed the results and concluded that women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies - it's a fantastic achievement. And he's maintained scientific objectivity and not allowed flaws like kindness, empathy or decency to interfere with the presentation of his conclusions. Indeed it takes a special mind to accomplish this! If you are drawn to metalwork a good hobby could be crafting tiny, tiny trophies to hand to him every time he completes a similarly groundbreaking investigation into the human condition. 😈

Seriously though I hope that if you do find your current situation untenable, you can decide what you want and deserve going forward and take whatever steps will help you to get there. Wishing you all the best!

GabriellaMontez · 17/09/2023 10:02

Why don't you make your first new hobby, a chat with a divorce lawyer?

Maybe you could make a good plan for extricating yourself from this marriage without ending up paying child maintenance to this man.

It doesn't have to be straight away. Make a plan for if things deteriorate in the next year or so.

I'm not clear on why he works part time. But only washes his own clothes and you do the donkey work of childcare...

Can this change? Wtf does he do hobbies while you work ?

Could you drop to part time? Temporarily?

He's a cocklodger at the moment. You need a plan to put things right or leave.

Don't worry, he won't suspect anything because he has such a low opinion of you.

RosaGallica · 17/09/2023 10:28

If it's true for many cases - and I believe he's probably right - then it will be because those women are far too busy, putting other peoples' needs above their own whims. Men do not do this. Around the world it has been documented that on the whole, if you give men resources, they spend it on themselves, whereas women put them towards their families, children and neighbourhoods. There is huge pressure on women to always put other peoples' needs back and contribute back to the system compared to men - you see it in work all the time. I've not heard of many men's jobs that required significant voluntary experience.
Personally I have loads of hobbies, but I do not spend the amount of money on them that my "d"h does, nor do I expect the rest of the family's lives to revolve around them. Plus mine tend to have economic benefits, actual or potential, whereas "d"h's are a money sink. My parents and relatives are all exactly the same - men obsess over consuming sports, whereas women are out doing crafts and gardening which can offer material benefit to families. I used the words consuming over doing deliberately there too.

Lavenderlulu · 17/09/2023 10:38

I hope your new hobby involves divorcing DH, I think that would create more headspace to enjoy other hobbies and you already seem to be doing the majority of paid & family work. He clearly doesn't respect or appreciate you and is trying to belittle with these sexist comments.

I find it funny that he's trying to suggest it's down to women's minds and they've lacked hobbies from beginning of time as all the period dramas/documentaries I've seen of upper classes so the women couldn't work and had servants doing all the housework & childcare were busy doing hobbies, needlework, music, painting, riding, dancing, reading, games, some sports, and socialising/networking. He must spend too much time sat in front of computer to not notice women doing hobbies in real life.
If he was a decent bloke he'd already be doing his fairshare and want to support you to discover hobbies if felt the spilt was uneven, not trying to suggest it's ok as its clearly your inferior lady brain.

SisterJo · 17/09/2023 10:39

I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with this man. If women don’t have hobbies it’s mostly because WE DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME LEFT AFTER DOING EVERYTHING ELSE!