Page 5 | DH says women don't have hobbies

EasierThanTherapy · 2023-09-16T17:19:39+00:00

DH just went to play video games (again) and I commented on it in jest. Got us into a conversation about hobbies. He has a lot. I have none but it was my new year resolution to "find one" He just said me doing have found one is evidence of what he always thought that women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies and that old as time women have told men to stop their hobbies and its because we don't understand having proper interests I argued that the reason I and some women don't have them is too busy putting everyone else first...I work full time, have kids, etc He said that's bollocks and if women wanted to play sports/chess/video games (as he does).... He's talking bollocks right? But I don't know why I haven't found my "thing" as I guess I could just leave the house one evening Would be interested in thoughts.

BarleySugars · 16/09/2023 19:28

This is so dumb i cant believe it. One google of the knit-osphere should cure him!

Toddler101 · 16/09/2023 19:28

Codswallop! I have more hobbies than DH and it's me encouraging him to find one!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2023 19:28

cakewench · 16/09/2023 19:23

Well you can tell him that some of us were massive computer game geeks pre-family life, but that yes, we now no longer have any fucking time to play them anymore. Or more correctly, we aren't given the leeway that men in relationships are to just "shut ourselves up in a room and game for hours" whilst the little man of the house sorts out the tidying, dinner, and whatever else.

I have moved on to different gaming type hobbies, lots of Pokemon Go w DS and DH as well as Minecraft so we can all play and I'm not shutting myself off from the rest of the house. I still game but it can no longer be the engrossing type games because I don't want DS to think he's second to a video game.

Exactly. DH likes gaming. And sports. And he did that when DD was small by getting up very very early, going at lunch and staying up late.

@cakewench you sound like an actual parent, as is DH. It's possible to have hobbies in a way that supports family life, but only if you actually want to.

Yellowlegobrick · 16/09/2023 19:30

I have hobbies!

But i think you aren't wrong that a lot of women expend a lot of their energy and mental effort on their family and home and it can leave not much time for other things

Ghastisflabbered · 16/09/2023 19:34

You know your DC aren’t attached to you because they are young right?

They’re attached to you because even at a young age they’ve realised that their father isn’t capable or willing to satisfy their needs because he is too busy with his hobbies?

Your DH sounds like a dick.

BakewellGin1 · 16/09/2023 19:34

DH plays golf and goes to football matches when work allows

I had horses until oldest DS was 7, then our last was PTS. I didn't actively have another hobby until this year when youngest DS turned 4, oldest is 15 and watches him for an hour to allow me to go to the gym.

I have found classes which fit well with our routine and now do Spin 3 times a week, a weights based class twice a week. I do this because I felt like I had 'lost' myself and was just Mum/Wife

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 16/09/2023 19:38

I have many hobbies. Your husband is an idiot.

Anycrispsleft · 16/09/2023 19:38

I love video games. Paid 30 quid extra to get Starfield on early release, managed to play it for about 45 minutes. Saying that, DH doesn't really have hobbies either, we're both so bloody busy.

brightdayloomingdark · 16/09/2023 19:39

Whaaat??

Of course women have hobbies! I've always had hobbies.

jannier · 16/09/2023 19:39

He's talking crap so prove to him why you don't have time spend as long as he does on yourself and sod the household especially his and wait for him to ask why

Kdubs1981 · 16/09/2023 19:45

He sounds awful OP. Misogynist and no respect for you.

I suspect your brain doesn't even have room to think about what you'd like to do as you're shouldering the entirety of the mental load as well as the actual labour.

Arsehole

GarlicGrace · 16/09/2023 19:46

Do people not have family 'hobbies' any more? I might have been less than wildly enthusiastic about my parents' insistence on long mountain walks & bike rides, National Trust expeditions, blackberrying & mushroom hunting, the weekly family swim and competitive card games (OK, I liked those) - but they definitely did add to my overall life experience, and were a big part of family bonding.

This being the 21st century, families can presumably join multiplayer games as well as the old-fashioned stuff? We did things like go-karting as well, but were limited by funds. There's a lot more choice of equipped venues now, with trampolining and suchlike.

FWIW my mum, despite being an extremely downtrodden wife, kept up her art and learned a few languages as well. It's possible she could find time because she wasn't having to ferry us to zillions of individual activities all the time.

godmum56 · 16/09/2023 19:49

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 16/09/2023 18:26

I've read a lot of threads on MN where men happily opt out of family time to pursue hobbies, but women aren't as keen to do the same. They prioritise time as a "group" over taking time out for themselves.

Which is all well and good to an extent, but time "outside" of family is important too, and one day, your kids will be grown and you'll find that you've lost yourself.

I think both partners should take time out for their hobbies every week. It should be just as important as family time, or activities for the DC.

This absolutely. OP STOP "struggling to find the time" And if that means that your OH needs to have less hobby time to pick up some of the domestic stuff well tough.

Gymnopedie · 16/09/2023 19:50

Take note and add up how long he spends on his hobbies in a week. Point out to him that during that time he is assigning you to the role of default carer for the DCs. Tell him that from now on you will be taking the same amount of time while he is in charge of the house.

Who cares what you do with that time? Leave the house and initially just go for a coffee/a drink. Sit with a book. When you've done that for long enough you will have had time to decompress and you'll have the time and the brain space to be able to think about what you really want to do. And if he can disappear off in the house to game, you can do the same to read a book.

godmum56 · 16/09/2023 19:50

Ghastisflabbered · 16/09/2023 19:34

You know your DC aren’t attached to you because they are young right?

They’re attached to you because even at a young age they’ve realised that their father isn’t capable or willing to satisfy their needs because he is too busy with his hobbies?

Your DH sounds like a dick.

this.

NoMoreShit · 16/09/2023 19:52

3 motorbikes 👋 I must say though, I didn't have time for hobbies when the kids were younger, but their father did. One of many reasons he's now my ex.

Original poster

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 19:53

@MrsTerryPratchett @Insommmmnia i have actually been daydreaming about LTB but I'm scared for the kids. And I'm the breadwinner and work longer hours so maybe I'll lose them even more than 5050. That is too much to bear. So been grinning and bearing some of it but it's getting worse the comments and I feel like I'm going mad.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/09/2023 19:53

Women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies...

Oh the blithe arrogance. The shocking blindness. The misogyny.

Off he swans to do his gaming while you no doubt busy yourself with laundry and cooking and tidying and keeping his life ticking over nicely for him.

Stop doing everything you do for him and you'll both be surprised at the impact on your hobbies.

GarlicGrace · 16/09/2023 19:57

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 19:53

@MrsTerryPratchett @Insommmmnia i have actually been daydreaming about LTB but I'm scared for the kids. And I'm the breadwinner and work longer hours so maybe I'll lose them even more than 5050. That is too much to bear. So been grinning and bearing some of it but it's getting worse the comments and I feel like I'm going mad.

Oh, OP, this is heartbreaking.

It sounds somewhat unlikely that H would want to take on solo parenting for even half the time? Would he even know how??

Original poster

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 20:00

@mathanxiety yeah also I work longer hours so he works 3.5 days a week and he does hobbies then while I'm at work. And I do a lot of the other stuff. He does the cooking which is what he always says in discussion about household stuff but he likes that! He also washes his own clothes after me drowning under all of it. So he does his own clothes every Sunday but the rest is me. Also all the school admin, clothes, playmates, cleaning etc is all me. Its a lot. I should get a hobby though. I just can't believe he thinks the barrier is my brain though rather mu time. I'm so insulted! I don't even have it in me to argue. I feel like a fool working my arse off 7 days a week and he thinks the reason I'm not playing squash every evening is my lack of interest in anything!

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 16/09/2023 20:00

Good that you've recognised he's horrible op.
It's the First step that many on MN can't seem to get to.
So you can now 1)do your sums, work out if it's all possible, quietly try and work out how much he'll ask for the kids. 2)start detaching emotionally from him because once you've achieved that, even if you live in the same house, it's much easier.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/09/2023 20:04

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 20:00

@mathanxiety yeah also I work longer hours so he works 3.5 days a week and he does hobbies then while I'm at work. And I do a lot of the other stuff. He does the cooking which is what he always says in discussion about household stuff but he likes that! He also washes his own clothes after me drowning under all of it. So he does his own clothes every Sunday but the rest is me. Also all the school admin, clothes, playmates, cleaning etc is all me. Its a lot. I should get a hobby though. I just can't believe he thinks the barrier is my brain though rather mu time. I'm so insulted! I don't even have it in me to argue. I feel like a fool working my arse off 7 days a week and he thinks the reason I'm not playing squash every evening is my lack of interest in anything!

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Op - he's utterly vile.

He lives a glorious easy life on your dime, and then criticises you, and gaslights you into believing it's some inferiority in your character that you don't have hobbies, rather than the fucking obvious fact the reason you don't is because he is a selfish disrespectful lazy sexist pig.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/09/2023 20:07

Divorce him. Then in three years time when his life isn't quite so pleasant and hobby filled for him any more, (as he'll actually have to work full time, do all his own housework and childcare) make sure to say his lack of hobbies is because 'men's minds don't work like that.' Prick.

snackatack · 16/09/2023 20:07

I do sports... crafts ... online games... play an instrument.. am in a choir...

I only crafted and played online games when my kids were smaller, as I could do it easily whilst they slept..

He's talking rubbish..

If you had told me in my 20's or 30's I would be involved in my sport.. I'd have laughed.. its part of being with other women, enjoying exercising together...

Go find a team sport - is my advice - our team welcomes anyone - at any skill level and it is epic (we run other socials, too)

Couldyounot · 16/09/2023 20:09

He's talking utter shite