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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH says women don't have hobbies

214 replies

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 18:19

DH just went to play video games (again) and I commented on it in jest. Got us into a conversation about hobbies. He has a lot. I have none but it was my new year resolution to "find one"

He just said me doing have found one is evidence of what he always thought that women's minds don't lend themselves to hobbies and that old as time women have told men to stop their hobbies and its because we don't understand having proper interests

I argued that the reason I and some women don't have them is too busy putting everyone else first...I work full time, have kids, etc

He said that's bollocks and if women wanted to play sports/chess/video games (as he does)....

He's talking bollocks right? But I don't know why I haven't found my "thing" as I guess I could just leave the house one evening

Would be interested in thoughts.

OP posts:
Coffeeebean · 16/09/2023 20:11

My hobby is horses. I probably spend more time with my horse than i do with dp (which works just fine as he can game for days on end)

If he told me woman werent capable of having hobbies he'd be sleeping in said horses stable.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/09/2023 20:13

I gym, run, horse ride (competitively), swim, do fitness competitions, read, write, paint, cycle… I do not play chess. But I’d say he’s a sexist fuckwit who doesn’t know much about anything.

aloris · 16/09/2023 20:14

Well I don't know what's typical for women but I would say that before kids, my hobby was reading. Once my first kid was born, there actually was never any time to read, at least not in the way I like to read, which is to settle in with a book and get deep in to it for hours. My MIL suggested I read for 20 min every night before bedtime (as that's what she does, and in her eyes, whatever she does is the correct way to do that thing) but I found myself re-reading the same few pages over and over every single night. I couldn't remember having read those pages. Reading in "fits and starts" is simply not how my brain works and it ruins the experience for me. Until my youngest became a teenager a couple years ago, the only leisure time I ever had was "fits and starts," beginning with babies that would cry as soon as you got to the good part of the book, to toddlers that would get into trouble as soon as you turned your back, to early school age kids that would get the flu/stomach flu/pneumonia and need constant trips to the doctor and supervision of fluids etc, just as you'd cleared your schedule and booked them for a day out with husband so you could have a nice, soothing Saturday with your book, and so on.

I do read a lot of mumsnet but it's a habit I got into because it's something you can dip into, and out of, and it doesn't need a lot of focus. It's very compatible with the constant interruptions that come with raising children, unlike practically any other hobby.

Time use surveys indicate that women have "more leisure time" than men. I thought that was really strange, as every mum I know has no leisure time, while the husbands are always off doing their hobbies. But digging into it more carefully, time use surveys count "waiting" as leisure. So even if you are sitting in your broken down car on the side of the road, waiting for a tow truck, that is still counted as leisure time in time use surveys.

So I think for women, so much of our "leisure time" is like that. You have a doctor appointment at 1:30 pm for your child's possible tonsillitis. You pick them up from school, go to doctor, wait 30 minutes in waiting room to be seen, possibly surrounded by other sick children. That's leisure time!!!! What kind of hobby are you supposed to do in that so-called leisure time? Is it at all enjoyable? Not really.

I think time use surveys should create a new category called "contaminated time" to account for this phenomenon. There is a huge difference between the leisure experience of being able to take off all of Saturday to play golf, vs the "leisure" of having 15-30 min here and there because you are stuck in your kitchen waiting for the washer to finish or waiting for your stew to be cooked, or where you are always subject to each person in your family coming up to you at 7 minute intervals, asking: Mom, where's my soccer kit; honey, where's the scissors; mom, where's my chemistry test; sweetheart, where's my wallet; mom, can you take me to Bobby's house? Honey, I invited my parents to stay next weekend, can you make your Peking Duck, it's their favorite!

tara66 · 16/09/2023 20:18

He sounds really ignorant - has he never heard of Amelia Earhart, the recent Women's Football, women at Wimbledon etc?

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/09/2023 20:19

I have plenty of hobbies.

I think the issue is that women tend to be the default parent and fall into the habit of letting their hobbies slip, especially when the children are young because it is often implied or outright said that they are selfish if they dare have time out for themselves which just doesn't happen with men.

Too often, men are left to continue their lives as normal when they become a parent. They certainly don't get judged like women do.

Deadringer · 16/09/2023 20:21

He sounds a bit thick.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/09/2023 20:21

Its not lack of interest or ability, it is lack of time and partners and children who expect their wives and mothers to be at their beck and call. He is not only talking bollocks, he sounds like a bit of a twat. No doubt the same sort who would have a massive meltdown if expected to run things for an evening or weekend while you pursued a hobby (which I think you should do as quickly as possible).

IncompleteSenten · 16/09/2023 20:22

He's talking out of his arse.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/09/2023 20:25

Your H sounds a bit of a knob. He doesn't have a very well rounded, fully-formed idea of what being a woman is, does he. Sad

Star0Fire · 16/09/2023 20:25

Would you like a hobby OP? Why don't you try some new things see if any takes your interest. My hobbies are listening to audio books, baking, video games (puzzle point and clicks, RPG, the sims, animal crossing, there's games for everyone)

BrightLightTonight · 16/09/2023 20:26

My hobbies/lifestyles

  1. Horse
  2. Dogs
  3. Book binding
  4. Needlecraft
  5. Reading
  6. Gym
  7. Baking
  8. Paper craft, including quilling and paper cutting

I also work full time, and enjoy walking, swimming and meeting friends

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/09/2023 20:27

I was going to say, how attached are you exactly to this absolute peach of a man?

I think your first hobby should be 'getting rid of the arsehole' and then you'll be free to have all the hobbies you like on the days he has the kids, which can be plentiful, as he only works part time.

Marvellous, start the book list now.

OhNoForever · 16/09/2023 20:28

divorce is a great hobby. The lazy bastard probably won't want the kids more than 50:50, it doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight at all.

Mouseflap · 16/09/2023 20:28

I do think in some family set ups the woman is less likely to be supported in spending time on evenings/weekends away from children for a hobby. But women generally make less of a song and dance about things, I know plenty of women who do an array of interesting things but none refer to them as hobbies whereas men often do.

Susuwatariandkodama · 16/09/2023 20:30

He has a really weird view, I have quite a few hobbies including gaming! I do agree with you though and some women have a lot more to deal with compared to their partners so they don’t have the energy nor the headspace to entertain as many hobbies as they’d like to!

ShutTheDoorBabe · 16/09/2023 20:34

I have hobbies. I like gaming, too. Does he not see things like knitting, sewing, drawing, colouring, crochet, photography, writing, music etc etc as hobbies, then? Or does he think that women don't do them?

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 16/09/2023 20:40

Not true at all that women don’t have or want hobbies. But certainly true that women often don’t have time for hobbies due to caring for other people.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/09/2023 20:43

My DH said I needed a hobby in 2021. During that year I got myself four! Rock choir, drum lessons, helping with brownies and exercising!

KvotheTheBloodless · 16/09/2023 20:46

Women have less 'free' time away from childcare/life admin. Therefore we're more likely to miss out on hobbies.

However: the women I know in equal partnerships do loads of hobbies, mainly sports and types of crafting.

Lynz32 · 16/09/2023 20:51

So you do the bulk of the paid work and the unpaid work, are the main breadwinner, while he sits on his bum for most of the time playing games, and he's thick too. Why the fuck are you still with him? Do you have self esteem issues or something cos I'm racking my brains.

Simonjt · 16/09/2023 20:51

Ah, he means lots of women don’t have time for hobbies because they’re partner is a lazy prick who does absolutely nothing and doesn’t realise he should be raising his children.

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 20:57

@GarlicGrace yes I do feel heart broken by him. I admit to ignoring red flags and the older he gets the more extreme and surreal his opinions. I think a lot of it is from YouTube. Another one of his hobbies, following arseholes on the Internet

He would want the kids I think though. He would struggle but he'd give it a bloody good go and the kids would probably suffer in the process

My kids are boys. I worry about them hearing some of these random opinions he spouts as they grow up.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2023 21:33

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 19:53

@MrsTerryPratchett @Insommmmnia i have actually been daydreaming about LTB but I'm scared for the kids. And I'm the breadwinner and work longer hours so maybe I'll lose them even more than 5050. That is too much to bear. So been grinning and bearing some of it but it's getting worse the comments and I feel like I'm going mad.

If you aren't ready to leave (and you should) throw everything into gaining equality at home. Claw back time he has when you're working. Come home on his days off and say, "right, now's my 6/7/8 hours off" and put your feet up. Have a spreadsheet when you log your time to yourselves. Put it where everyone can see it. Do everything to get what you need. Never let it go or give in for an 'easy' life and give him the jobs. If there is anyone this will affect who will judge him not you, make sure they are aware.

Honestly, he won't want to do the work you do long-term. But even if he does step up and want 50% if you split, this is actually a good thing. He will have to do some parenting, which is ultimately good for your boys.

And yes, his views are loathsome. Are there any good, strong, king, healthy men around? Dad, brothers, friends?

CandyLeBonBon · 16/09/2023 22:02

He sounds like an arsehole

EasierThanTherapy · 16/09/2023 22:03

@MrsTerryPratchett yes, I will try to do this. I do try to give him jobs or take time for myself but it's like getting blood from a stone. I'd known there was an unfair imbalance for some time but I thought he was just lazy but he actually thinks I spend more time sorting uniforms and cleaning toilets because I haven't got any desire to do anything else. Other than go to work to pay for everything of course.

No role models. My dad is a bit of a sexist too to be honest. All my friends are female. My exs are all versions of DH.

I'm an idiot. A bloody idiot.

OP posts: