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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One year old and funeral

229 replies

Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 17:39

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

OP posts:
Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 17:42

I was at a funeral yesterday, is say no, sorry

And absolutely don't breastfeed your baby at the funeral if you do go.

Clefable · 16/09/2023 17:44

I wouldn't at a funeral where I wasn't close to the family enough to check it was okay, no.

Angryappendix · 16/09/2023 17:44

You need to check it’s ok so if you’re not prepared to ask, it’s a no.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 16/09/2023 17:44

I once went to a friend's Dad's funeral with my baby. I sat at the back, and was ready to take him out if he made any noise but he slept through.

I'd do it OP.

BicOrange · 16/09/2023 17:45

I wouldn't, no. Can anyone go with you and take lo for a walk in the pram during the funeral, you can pay your respects at the end and not go to the gathering afterwards.

fairyfluf · 16/09/2023 17:45

Angryappendix · 16/09/2023 17:44

You need to check it’s ok so if you’re not prepared to ask, it’s a no.

This

MaggieBsBoat · 16/09/2023 17:46

I can’t see where there’s any problem taking a breastfed baby to a funeral.
Funerals are part of life and should be, though sad, also a celebration of the life of the person where people come together to show support. Babies are part of that. As is breastfeeding.

PinkPomeranian · 16/09/2023 17:46

YANBU. I'd go without question, especially if you're planning to sit near the back and are happy to pop out if needed.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

NurseButtercup · 16/09/2023 17:47

I've attended more than my fare share of funerals, there are always young children present and it's never frowned upon. But in my community funeral is regarded as a celebration of life. Your plans to sit at the back and slip out if your baby fusses/needs feeding are perfectly acceptable and sensible.

Some people will have the exact opposite opinion to mine.

BelindaBears · 16/09/2023 17:47

Funerals generally last less than an hour. Are you still feeding a one year old every hour/on demand?! Are they eating solid food?

Mischance · 16/09/2023 17:49

My GD was about this age when my Dad's funeral took place - her Dad came and wheeled her about outside so my DD could be there. Can you find someone who might do that.

DGD was a delight at the meal afterwards and everyone handed her around and there was a sense of new life.

thesandwich · 16/09/2023 17:49

I would ask the family- via the undertaker if necessary.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/09/2023 17:50

PinkPomeranian · 16/09/2023 17:46

YANBU. I'd go without question, especially if you're planning to sit near the back and are happy to pop out if needed.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I agree. Having just been through a funeral, it was an enormous comfort to see so many people turn up to pay their respects and to have a chance to talk to many of them about their memories of my Dad. We had no babies present, but if someone had turned up with one and nipped out at the first sign that the baby might cry, we'd all have been absolutely fine with that. I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

Meem321 · 16/09/2023 17:50

What fucking ludicrous replies. It's hardly as if a baby is offensive to anyone.
OP is being forward thinking and saying she'll pop out if there's a peep from baby.
There was a toddler in a sling at my DMs funeral this year and I was pleased that his parents brought him because they wouldn't have been able to come otherwise.
OP, just go, and take baby out if they cry.

BelindaBears · 16/09/2023 17:50

Mischance · 16/09/2023 17:49

My GD was about this age when my Dad's funeral took place - her Dad came and wheeled her about outside so my DD could be there. Can you find someone who might do that.

DGD was a delight at the meal afterwards and everyone handed her around and there was a sense of new life.

I feel like this is different - the baby is part of the dead person’s family. In this case the deceased is someone the OP had not seen for years. The baby has no relationship with them or the family.

DappledThings · 16/09/2023 17:51

It's fine. I have been to many funerals and wouldn't be surprised or put out in the least to see a baby or young child.

Last one I went to the youngest attendee was the deceased's daughter-in-law's sister's baby. So not even a relative but totally welcome.

And as for being told not to bf at a funeral that's just really odd. Of course you can.

Clefable · 16/09/2023 17:52

It depends. I didn't take my own children to my mum's funeral and I wouldn't have wanted random children there on the day that I didn't know about. That's not to say we don't like kids, they were very welcome at the wake and all the family kids were there.

TheBarbieEffect · 16/09/2023 17:52

Absolutely not appropriate. If you’re having to take baby out when they’ve “made a peep” that means you’ve already spoiled part of the funeral.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/09/2023 17:54

The OP has a connection with the deceased, and given her baby's age, baby has to come too unless someone else can have her, which is not possible. The problem is that although the service may be quite short the journey isn't.

I think the suggestion of putting this to the undertaker if you can find out who they are is a good one. Alternatively, do you have a friend who is still in close touch with the family who could ask for you?

Malarandras · 16/09/2023 17:54

This isn’t someone you are close to and you are not close to the family, so no it is not appropriate to take a baby to the funeral. It’s their chance to say goodbye, for some people that means a great deal. You risk upsetting them hugely if the baby interrupts the service.

husbandcallsmepickle · 16/09/2023 17:55

You only get one funeral. I would go and sit near a door so you can disappear if needed. No need to ask anyone, they've got enough on their plates.

DappledThings · 16/09/2023 17:56

I don't get there being any concept of appropriate or inappropriate. It's just a preference, I don't see it as an etiquette issue.

And the preference is as likely to be baby welcome as not.

PizzaPastaWine · 16/09/2023 17:56

As you're not close to the family I would say no OP.

Coldbrewnumber2 · 16/09/2023 17:57

Slightly different context but I took my then almost 4 month old to my Grandad’s funeral and wake. Because the whole extended family were there, there was no one free watch him.

I checked with the heads of the family first of course and everyone was actually really glad I was bringing him, he was named after my Grandad and a lot of the family (over from Ireland) would never have got the opportunity to meet him.

He was good as gold and didn’t make a peep during the service. His Dad sat at the back with him ready to exit quickly if he became unsettled for any reason but he was very placid and just sat through.

Screamingabdabz · 16/09/2023 17:58

No. You’re not close to the family and your baby could end up disrupting what is a highly emotional and fraught occasion. I get that babies and breastfeeding are part of life but you are a random to most them I suspect. I’d have been furious if some old school friend had turned up and done this at my brother’s funeral.