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AIBU?

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Original poster

One year old and funeral

229 replies

Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 17:39

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

OP posts:
happyinherts · 17/09/2023 22:24

@belleager Maybe people are getting confused by 'invitation' and telling people personally about a funeral. I've never received an invitation in my also 60 years, but I've attended many. It's generally word of mouth - please feel free to attend, but notify the family for numbers if you wish to stay for refreshments, kind of thing.

UsingChangeofName · 17/09/2023 22:39

If you are going "home" and still in touch with other friends from home, would one of them know someone who might be willing to look after your little one for the 30mins - hour you would be in the funeral service ? (Most slots at the crem being 30mins - although some people book a double slot, that would still only be an hour). I would certainly look after a baby for an hour for one of my dcs' friends in need for example.

Clefable · 17/09/2023 22:39

My mum's funeral was pretty much invitation only. We didn't publicise the date or time, she has been very clear where she wanted it and that it was to be 'no fuss' and only people she was close to, plus we had to keep it to a certain number of people for the venue. So we contacted people individually to 'invite' them (which just took the form of us calling or messaging them with the details).

Clefable · 17/09/2023 22:40

(But it wasn't word of mouth as such, as those people weren't sharing it with whoever they wanted - we had a list of who was attending based off who we had 'invited').

belleager · 18/09/2023 01:25

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 22:14

Never ever happened I my entire (60 year) lifetime! How do these "invitations" get delivered? By post?

Show quote history

Twice by e-mail, once by text. Small group e-mails. Individual text.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 18/09/2023 01:28

I never got this whole "never take children to a funeral" mentality. Death is part of life, and everyone needs to learn how to deal with it - in an age appropriate way.

belleager · 18/09/2023 01:32

Oh I think kids themselves are mostly fine at funerals.

It's bringing a small, potentially mildly disruptive child to a funeral where m they aren't known or part of the family that could be intrusive here.

NewName122 · 18/09/2023 01:40

Definitely not no.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 18/09/2023 06:02

I recently had to miss the funeral for someone I have known for a very long time because I have 2 small children. I decided it wasn't a good idea as the 3yo wouldn't understand so probably wouldn't be quiet for the whole ceremony. If I had just had the baby (a few weeks old at the time) I probably would have as they are almost silent most of the time.

I took them to the wake afterwards but they were the only children there. Luckily a lot of my family were there so they all helped keep the 3yo entertained and he probably broke the tension a bit but if I hadn't have known anyone else attending I think it would have been nightmare.

DappledThings · 18/09/2023 06:56

belleager · 18/09/2023 01:25

Twice by e-mail, once by text. Small group e-mails. Individual text.

Show quote history

Sounds like a standard notification to me, as was previously described. Not an invitation as I'd understand an invitation to be.

Aprilx · 18/09/2023 15:31

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 18/09/2023 01:28

I never got this whole "never take children to a funeral" mentality. Death is part of life, and everyone needs to learn how to deal with it - in an age appropriate way.

Well my adult but definitely not old, sister died recently. I think my right to hold / participate in a reflective, quiet service, trumps the right of an unrelated one year old child of an acquaintance to “learn how to deal with it”.

And I also truly do not give a damn about “the circle of life”. I am very well aware that babies will still be born, I don’t need a lesson or reminder. I still wanted to respect by sister, taken too soon, during her service and not have it disrupted by a selfish parent who yet again things the entire world revolves around her baby.

UsingChangeofName · 18/09/2023 16:10

100% @Aprilx

I am sorry for your loss.
I felt completely the same at my close family members' funerals, and, indeed at other funerals I have been to where it has been really upsetting (a young man who had taken his own life, for example).

daliesque · 18/09/2023 18:13

I never got this whole "never take children to a funeral" mentality. Death is part of life, and everyone needs to learn how to deal with it - in an age appropriate way

Funerals are not a learning opportunity for a selfish and entitled parent to decide to make for their child.

The reason why we banned all of my mothers side at her family is because they all had millions of children and were insisting on bringing them - all ages for newborn to nearly adult. All selfish and thinking that their children would be welcome and expressing their anger when ,y father (the one whose wife had just died) said that his own children were leaving their children at home so why couldn't they?

In the end we had a secret funeral for just family. I have no clue what the selfish fuckers did because they have refused to speak to all of us since. Win win as far as I'm concerned.

It's led to my (other childfree) sibling and I making sure our funeral plans include the clause no children allowed.

Letitgonowgr · 18/09/2023 18:16

IMO if you weren’t close recently then I wouldn’t go. If your baby distracts the funeral and people don’t actually recognise you as a friend, it would be a bit weird in my opinion!

Lahdedahiam · 18/09/2023 19:36

daliesque · 18/09/2023 18:13

I never got this whole "never take children to a funeral" mentality. Death is part of life, and everyone needs to learn how to deal with it - in an age appropriate way

Funerals are not a learning opportunity for a selfish and entitled parent to decide to make for their child.

The reason why we banned all of my mothers side at her family is because they all had millions of children and were insisting on bringing them - all ages for newborn to nearly adult. All selfish and thinking that their children would be welcome and expressing their anger when ,y father (the one whose wife had just died) said that his own children were leaving their children at home so why couldn't they?

In the end we had a secret funeral for just family. I have no clue what the selfish fuckers did because they have refused to speak to all of us since. Win win as far as I'm concerned.

It's led to my (other childfree) sibling and I making sure our funeral plans include the clause no children allowed.

I can't say I blame them for not being in contact anymore.

belleager · 19/09/2023 06:59

DappledThings · 18/09/2023 06:56

Sounds like a standard notification to me, as was previously described. Not an invitation as I'd understand an invitation to be.

Show quote history

I accept that your experience has been different, but I did know the people concerned and I read the messages they sent me! They were invitations in these cases.

National (and local) cultures differ on funerals. The family's wishes are paramount. That's why people are encouraging the OP to tread cautiously and not to make assumptions.

daliesque · 19/09/2023 22:12

I can't say I blame them for not being in contact anymore

So their apparent rights and entitlements are more important than the actual ask from the deceased persons husband and children.

Righto.

Lahdedahiam · 19/09/2023 22:23

daliesque · 19/09/2023 22:12

I can't say I blame them for not being in contact anymore

So their apparent rights and entitlements are more important than the actual ask from the deceased persons husband and children.

Righto.

No your clear venom against them, makes me understand why they don't want to engage with you.

Righto

Original poster
Peekabooooooo · 20/09/2023 11:25

Wow, what a lot of vitriol on this thread!

I went, she napped most of the way through in the sling, several family members came up to me at the wake and made a point of saying how pleased they were that I came and how lovely it was to meet DD.

OP posts:
widowtwankywashroom · 20/09/2023 11:32

I am glad you went OP, I was going to reply earlier and it completely crossed my mind
Genuinely cannot understand this thread, I think it was a lovely gesture to go and much appreciated by the family,

MerelyPlaying · 20/09/2023 12:47

thank you for the update - really glad to hear that you went. It obviously meant a lot to the family that you made the effort to go and acknowledge your old friendship.

happyinherts · 20/09/2023 14:01

I'm SO pleased you made that decision. Interestingly, I've just come back from a funeral where there were twins in a buggy, I'd say probably slightly younger than your daughter. One was restless and came out of buggy to sit on Mum's lap with a dummy, the other asleep. There was a slight noise, but it was understandable and fine. I thought of you.

There's been some weird comments on this thread. We all know funerals are not learning opportunities for children, but being able to pay respects is important, and I'm so glad you were able to do this.

ParkingTrouble123 · 20/09/2023 16:28

I don’t see how a small noise from a baby would “ruin the funeral” any more than an adult coughing or sneezing…

ParkingTrouble123 · 20/09/2023 16:32

I’m glad you went OP. I was just about to say there was a young baby at the last funeral I went to and no one was bothered - more just glad that the parents were able to come. I’m pleased you were able to pay your respects.

daliesque · 20/09/2023 17:32

No your clear venom against them, makes me understand why they don't want to engage with you.

Damn right I feel venom towards them. I think I have the right after seeing my elderly father upset by their selfishness.
But I guess you are one of those people who think that kids are more important than other people so I somehow don't really think we have anything left to say to each other 😁