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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One year old and funeral

229 replies

Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 17:39

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

OP posts:
toomuchforonewoman · 16/09/2023 19:07

Family yes, once everyone was ok with it, someone you have not seen in years...absolutely not.

plehpleh · 16/09/2023 19:08

My cousin had a 1yo for a wedding the year before last. She had her boyfriend drive him around for an hour during the funeral and he came to the wake. So I'd say no to funeral, yes to wake. It felt respectful.

But as someone who is also extended breastfeeding (20months) don't let others tell you that your child doesn't need milk, only you know that. Maybe I'm a bit touchy because my family tell me all the time mine doesn't, and maybe that's true on a physical level but it's different on an attachment and emotional level. If you feel she might need it during the ceremony, I'd say best skip it.

MimiGC · 16/09/2023 19:09

To the funeral of someone you haven't seen for years? No. To the funeral of close friend or relative? Yes.

plehpleh · 16/09/2023 19:09

I meant funeral, not wedding!

Whiterose23 · 16/09/2023 19:14

If the person was a close family member yes otherwise I don’t think I would.
I’d certainly ask the family.
I took my one year old to my grandfathers funeral and she was fine during the service and it did help make family members smile at the wake. My grandad, mum and aunts and uncles wanted her there.
I buried my mum this year and as we followed her into the service I saw one of her friends had brought their baby with them. My overriding thought was please don’t let the baby cry whilst my daughter read her poem. It was on my mind throughout the service until the readings were over. Maybe I was unreasonable but I wanted my mums goodbye to be perfect

ordinarybarbie · 16/09/2023 19:14

I wouldn't take a one year old. A tiny newborn would be different but at a year old the child is mobile and much more likely to cause a disruption.
it won't hurt them to be without breast milk for half a day as long as they are offered food and water.

Thisismynewusername1 · 16/09/2023 19:16

i’d go.

funerals reflect how well thought of the deceased was. Imo everyone who turns up shows the impact they had on others.

I would rather have someone there than not. If everyone chose not to come because of some reason they might offend, or didn’t feel they were “close” enough, there’d be very few people there.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 19:20

You can easily find somewhere else to breastfeed your baby but during the service I wouldn't say it's a appropriate.

Someone else's funeral is not the time or place to fly your breastfeeding flag.

DappledThings · 16/09/2023 19:22

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 19:20

You can easily find somewhere else to breastfeed your baby but during the service I wouldn't say it's a appropriate.

Someone else's funeral is not the time or place to fly your breastfeeding flag.

WTF? Breastfeeding isn't flying a flag for anything. It's just feeding and is fine to do anywhere. Funerals included. It isn't making some kind of point.

waterrat · 16/09/2023 19:27

god please don't miss a funeral without actually checking!

all these totally ridiculous replies - who on earth thinks they have the right to tell you to miss a funeral when they have no idea what the family would think!!

there are some insane replies on here

Mamatolittleboy · 16/09/2023 19:28

There is no wrong or right answer here because you can tell reading the comments that some families would be absolutely fine with a baby attending and some wouldn’t. I think you need to reach out to someone close to your friend and tell them you would love to pay your respects but you would be bringing baby and is that OK.

For me personally I wouldn’t take my son to a funeral of a school friend I haven’t seen in ages. I think if it was close family that’s different but definitely not a friends family. I wouldn’t want my son to start crying whilst family speeches were being made etc.

Scienceadvisory · 16/09/2023 19:30

waterrat · 16/09/2023 19:27

god please don't miss a funeral without actually checking!

all these totally ridiculous replies - who on earth thinks they have the right to tell you to miss a funeral when they have no idea what the family would think!!

there are some insane replies on here

Maybe it's because the OP posted on here asking whether it would be OK? Should everyone have just ignored her and not responded?

The OP said she doesn't feel close enough to check, at least be respectful enough to read her posts.

DinnaeFashYersel · 16/09/2023 19:36

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 19:20

You can easily find somewhere else to breastfeed your baby but during the service I wouldn't say it's a appropriate.

Someone else's funeral is not the time or place to fly your breastfeeding flag.

What a silly post.

Original poster
Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 19:55

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 19:20

You can easily find somewhere else to breastfeed your baby but during the service I wouldn't say it's a appropriate.

Someone else's funeral is not the time or place to fly your breastfeeding flag.

Ah, fair enough, I was planning to stand on the altar with my chebs out and let DD crawl up and latch on whenever she fancied but your post has made me think twice.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 16/09/2023 19:58

Peekabooooooo · 16/09/2023 19:55

Ah, fair enough, I was planning to stand on the altar with my chebs out and let DD crawl up and latch on whenever she fancied but your post has made me think twice.

Show quote history

I'm more interested in the flag. Does it have a picture of a nipple on it? Or does breastfeeding have its own set of stripes? Why was I never sent this flag? Does it attach to me or to the baby?

So many questions.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 16/09/2023 20:06

Clefable · 16/09/2023 18:25

Please ask, OP. I can't believe people think it's appropriate to just turn up with a baby at the funeral of someone they've not seen in ages and whose family they don't know without checking it's okay first Shock It's very awkward for someone to say anything once you've turned up, so I imagine that some of the 'it was fine' crew perhaps weren't as welcome as they imagine either.

This! 'No one batted an eyelid' Hmm it they were too polite to say anything to your face!
It's just a hard no unless it's a close family member. Can't believe some people have just rocked up at funerals with their babies & toddlers and are now egging others on to do the same. Such bloody entitled behaviour.

Ellsternell · 16/09/2023 20:08

A baby at my mums funeral wouldn’t of bothered me as long as you took it straight out if cried/made noise and made sure they stayed sat on your lap and was quiet.

Bemyclementine · 16/09/2023 20:09

I'm amazed anyone thinks you shouldn't go OP. What you propose is absolutely fine.

SparkyBlue · 16/09/2023 20:10

OP you are definitely overthinking this you should just go and then as you said stay at the back and then be able to run out if your DD gets anyway antsy. Also Id go to sympathise with the family members so either before they go into the church or when they come out. So even if you didn't go into the actual funeral service itself I'd go to sympathise.

Bemyclementine · 16/09/2023 20:11

I went to ExH grandads funeral when dc2 was a baby. Dc1 was looked after by my mum (he was a toddler) dc2 was with me, and yes he was bf during the service.

I think there would have to be something very wrong with you to object to that.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 20:20

Bemyclementine · 16/09/2023 20:09

I'm amazed anyone thinks you shouldn't go OP. What you propose is absolutely fine.

Well it wouldn't have been fine at any of my close family funerals. So it's fine to you but not others.

And as she isn't close to her late friend's family she has no idea how they feel.

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 20:21

And this isn't a tiny baby. What are the odds it's going to be quite noisy as 1 year olds often are?

Cowlover89 · 16/09/2023 21:48

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 19:20

You can easily find somewhere else to breastfeed your baby but during the service I wouldn't say it's a appropriate.

Someone else's funeral is not the time or place to fly your breastfeeding flag.

Go away with your ridiculous comments.

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 01:59

happyinherts · 16/09/2023 18:06

Well, I wouldn't be furious if a baby made a noise at a funeral for any of my family members. I would be delighted that the mother had travelled to pay her respects.

You and me both!

Lahdedahiam · 17/09/2023 02:02

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 16/09/2023 19:20

You can easily find somewhere else to breastfeed your baby but during the service I wouldn't say it's a appropriate.

Someone else's funeral is not the time or place to fly your breastfeeding flag.

I can never understand why breastfeeding take up is so low.......

Oh hang on!....