One year old and funeral

[Peekabooooooo]

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

I’ve been several funerals where children and babies were present.

As PP have suggested perhaps ask via the funeral directors. My family would absolutely allow babies there, but I can see from previous replies that some people would for some reason find it inappropriate

Yes, I'm feeding her on demand. She's literally a couple of days past her first birthday and as I said, I haven't been able to cut down yet for various reasons.

Not hourly no, so I wouldn't particularly think I'd feed during the service. Just mentioned that she's breastfed as it's an extra factor making leaving her more difficult. The funeral is an hour but it would be 1.5 hours drive at least (ie possibly more in traffic) so would be a while to leave her even if I could find someone.

As long as you’re prepared to sit at the back and go out at the first sign of noise it’s fine. I lost my dad and I’d have smiled if I saw a baby at the back when I got up to read my eulogy, my dad loved kids. Life goes on, young and old, just be respectful and go out if baby starts making a noise

No - if you were a close mate and it’s the only way, maybe.

But you would potentially be disturbing those who loved him, and you don’t know him well.

Stay home and remember him in your own way

I can only give my opinion, but i wouldn’t have minded in the slightest if people had bought their babies to my mum’s recent funeral. Or if the babies had cried. Or if they needed feeding and their mothers had fed them, with breast or bottle.

I guess the problem is, as is evident from this thread, that some people would mind. There are no actual rules around this. I think what you’re proposing is totally ok.

And I’m very sorry to hear about your friend.

Oh this is a good idea, I think there are a couple of school friends who stayed in closer contact so will ask them what they think.

@BelindaBears the question was not about OP’s feeding routine. @Peekabooooooo you don’t need to justify this.

If it was a family funeral I absolutely would, but not for a friend whose family might not be ok with it. I know it ducks. I missed my cousin's funeral because I couldn't take baby DD (height of covid, not I wasn't allowed) it's been hard but I had to find my own way to say goodbye at a later date

How old are you and your schoolfriend op?

The reason I ask is because when my son died, he was 27, and if someone had brought a baby to his funeral I would have been horrified! If I heard a baby, I think it wouldve tipped me over the edge, just a reminder that not so long ago (or that's how it feels] my son was baby and now he would never have his own baby.

Might have been different if yhe baby was family though, (but we were restricted by numbers so that problem would never have come up)

However, when my dad died this year, he was 88, had a long happy life, and a baby wouldn't have bothered me, family or not.

You would need to check with the deceased's close relatives whether this would be ok or not. Some people would be fine with it and others not. I took DD to a funeral at 12 weeks old, the deceased's close family were fine about and people liked to see her there after I think. Everyone went the extra mile in being welcoming including the vicar. I sat right at the back and managed to keep her quiet through the ceremony (she slept most of it) then left straight after as she was starting to whinge and become annoying. But for example one of DH's close relatives died when she was only about 2 weeks old and relative's spouse expressly said she didn't want DD there, so DH went alone as she was breastfed so no option to leave her with anyone that young.

I wasn't really planning to breastfeed during the service (was only mentioning breastfeeding in the context of an obstacle to leaving her as it's more complex than if she had bottles) but it would never have occurred to me that it wouldn't be ok -what is the issue?

Sorry if I offended anyone, especially the OP. Clearly no one needs to justify themselves to me, I was just genuinely surprised given the age of the child. Sorry for your loss OP, I wouldn’t take the child in this situation but obviously loads of others on the thread think it’s fine.

I'm sorry for both your losses.

We're 42.

This very sensible reply is all you need to read here OP.

Well, I wouldn't be furious if a baby made a noise at a funeral for any of my family members. I would be delighted that the mother had travelled to pay her respects.

It's sort of an odd position to hate children so much that a small noise from one would 'spoil' a funeral. Most people I know would like to hear a child at such a sad time. Or at least not care.

I often find though, on MN, that there's a strange (maybe it's English) attitude to children that they are a horrible, disturbing inconvenience. The hodgepodge of cultures I'm squeezed together from likes children. At funerals, weddings, restaurants, early in the morning and late at night.

OP if you friend is from any culture that's not Southern English, the chances are they are less bothered about children being present, needing to be fed and making a very small noise before being removed.

It's not fair or well mannered to impose that on the bereaved without asking.

I would honestly say that I wouldn't have noticed someone at the back of the church with a baby at my mum’s funeral this year, as long as the baby was quiet and was whipped out if they started to fuss. Surreptitious breastfeeding wouldn’t have bothered me either, @Peekabooooooo.

I think the same applies to all the funerals I have been to - close family and friends. I have always been focussed on the service, my memories of the person, and my thoughts for their family - even at dad’s funeral in 200 and mum’s this year, I was focussed on my family and supporting them, alongside dealing with my emotions, and everything else was rather a blur.

Once we left the church, I would have loved to see a baby there - they would remind me that life goes on, and that happy events outweigh the sad ones in the fullness of time.

Absolutely fine. I went to a close friends funeral two weeks ago and breastfed my baby during the service.

Whether or not it is ok doesn’t really matter. It’s clear from the thread that a decent chunk of people would be really unhappy if someone turned up at a close relatives funeral with a one year old.
you don’t know what the family think but given the thread there’s good odds you’d make someone’s bad day worse so I think you need a babysitter. Sorry for your loss.

I went to my uncle's funeral and took my 2.5 year old. His daughter took her 6 month old.
I sat near the back and took my child out when he became bored.

Can you ask the family if they mind?

It's definitely not about hating children, but my mum died suddenly, we were all incredibly raw and devastated, and we wanted to be fully in the moment for her funeral, so we chose not to bring our own children so we could focus on our grief instead of be distracted by looking after our kids. I didn't want the 'light relief' of a baby I've never met there when I had arranged for my own baby to be looked after for a couple of hours 🤷‍♀️ They would have been most welcome at the wake afterwards though.

For my 94yo grandad, it wouldn't have bothered as much as it was an expected death and the emotions weren't the same.

No one is unreasonable for their funeral wishes. The only unreasonable thing is turning up at things without having the courtesy to check first.

As for most people wanting to hear a child at a sad time, I have two young kids of my own, one the same age as OP's. If I wanted to hear a child I'd want to hear one of them, not someone else's baby crying or grizzling or babbling over one of the readings at the back.

42 is relatively young to die, so I would assume its more of a mourning funeral than a celebration of life. Which means I wouldn't take a small child unless I was 100% sure they'd be welcome.

Don't take your baby its not appropriate. A 1 Yr old baby should be having solids & can drink water from a zippy cup so will be perfectly fine for a few hours, bf when you get home again.