One year old and funeral

[Peekabooooooo]

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

Definitely go. You have as much right as anyone else to pay your respects and say your good-byes. Like you say you're considerate enough to sit at the back near the exit in case baby cries so you can make a quick exit and not disturb anyone. Please go and say goodbye to your friend and I'm sorry for your loss

These things really need to be run past the family. Some people think oh it’s lovely and life goes on, others are distraught and maybe not at their most reasonable and would be furious at a child disturbing anything.
If you can’t run it past the family I wouldn’t go.

First up, I'm sorry for your loss. I'd crack on OP but I'm Irish and we're way more comfortable with death and funerals are welcoming to all unless there's an explicit reason. Not to derail the thread but I'm finding these answers fascinating. I can't imagine having had a 'furious' response to someone turning up to pay their respects when my dad died, regardless of who they were. And a baby would have been doted on!

I would say yes if it was a smaller baby. But a 1 year old isn't going to sit there in silence for even 20 mins. You're pretty much guaranteed having to leave in the ceremony anyway, and potentially upset the family.

@MerelyPlaying makes the most sensible comments I've read on this -

Plus, from the original post - the child has just turned 1 - so is not nearly 2. This may mean it isn't even a toddler. Mine weren't walking or toddling at 12/13 months. And she has said the baby might even go in a sling.

I cannot fathom why the fury and hatred. A funeral is a day to pay your respects. The OP has told us she will sit at the back and be mindful of her child's needs. The day shouldn't be about fury, hatred, or badmouthing comments. It should be about coming together to remember someone and all that they meant to everyone.

I would be absolutely thrilled to bits if a school friend of any of my family members had took the time, effort and expense to attend their funeral. It would make my day complete, an honour in fact. (And yes, I've arranged and attended more family funerals than I've wanted to. There's always been an unexpected guest arrive and I hope they've always been more than welcomed).

But surely the range of responses on this thread show that all this can be avoided if SHE JUST ASKS. It wouldn't have offended me to be asked. I'd be glad because I could have said 'We'd prefer no children, ours are staying home' and then we would both know where we stand.

I wouldn't have been 'furious' if someone turned up at my mum's funeral with a young child but I would have been annoyed as we had decided not to bring family kids and had arranged childcare for them. Someone who knew my mum 30 years ago turning up with a child who is incredibly unlikely to sit quietly for 45 mins or however long (I have a 14mo right now, I know exactly what a just turned 1yo is like!) would have been annoying and if they had made a shout or noise during my uncle's very emotional reading, that would have upset me.

I wouldn't have said anything and I'm sure that person would have gone home saying what some people on this thread would have, 'Oh they were doted on, it was absolutely fine'. But it wouldn't have been fine.

If you can't take two mins to ask to check you aren't going to upset the close family of someone you are apparently going to pay respects to, then you shouldn't be going in the first place. Not every funeral is a large church affair where no one notices who is there.

Some very mixed replies!

To clarify, I guess I should have said 12 month old rather than 1 year old. She has only been one for a few days! She's not walking or chatting and is very happy in a sling still.

She's having solids but is still breastfeeding frequently for various reasons which I don't really want to get into as it's not very relevant.

If I could find someone to leave her with then I'd be gone for at least 4.5 hours. I've never left her for that long (again, don't want to get into a debate if you think this makes me a clingy terrible mother) and I've also never been this far away distance wise (IE not able to get back very quickly if needed). So this is also giving me pause.

I don't have any mum friends that I'm close enough to to be able to ask them to come on a 1.5 hour drive and then watch DD for an hour while I go to a funeral. Will see if any relatives would be willing although we don't have any nearby so it would be a big ask.

Sounds like I should maybe leave it and just send a card. I was thinking it would be nice to go to show solidarity for the family (I knew them quite well at one point) but yes, haven't seen them for years so would rather not annoy them when they're dealing with grief I can't imagine.

I was thinking from the perspective of if it was my sibling I'd be pleased to see as many people as possible, and definitely people I remember from school days etc, and I wouldn't care about them bringing babies/kids etc, but it seems that a lot of people see things very differently so thanks for giving me a different perspective.

I was thinking from the perspective of if it was my sibling I'd be pleased to see as many people as possible, and definitely people I remember from school days etc, and I wouldn't care about them bringing babies/kids etc, but it seems that a lot of people see things very differently so thanks for giving me a different perspective.
That's the perspective many, many others will also have. If I was organising a funeral and found out later someone intended to come but didn't because of their baby I'd be inclined to think they hadn't really intended to come and at all and were using the baby as an excuse. Which would upset me more than them coming for sure.

If you want to go and you know you will sit near the back etc then go. Sounds like you would regret it if you didn't.

OP, please read overwhelmedandunsure’s post. Some families wouldn’t mind and some would be upset. some people would wonder why you’re present give you haven’t seen the deceased for over 20 years.

Honestly I think if you don’t know the family well enough to check if it’s ok to bring a child then you don’t know them well enough to bring a child.

A funeral that’s of an elderly person who has died “at the right time” is one thing and I can see how young children would be appreciated there. But the last funeral I went to of someone in this age group was my friend’s DH who had killed himself and she was mourning not just her DH but the life she thought they’d planned and the children she probably won’t now get to have given her age. I’m not sure random babies of ex-school friends of her DH would have been appreciated (indeed, all of our friendship group pulled out all the stops to get childcare in place so none of us had bring ours and make the day even an iota harder for her than it already was).

We took our baby and toddler to my MIL's funeral, but my husband sat at the front with his siblings and I sat at the back and took them out when they got restless.

Many of the anecdotes on here are irrelevant. The funeral of a grandparent or MiL or best friend can’t be compared to the funeral of a man you hadn’t seen for twenty years.

There is a risk of causing offence or awkwardness or sadness OP, when taking a baby to the funeral of a youngish person to whom you weren’t close. A number of posters have already explained why.

Send a card instead.

The baby is not even walking! She's still breastfed often.

Why not breastfeed at the service???
If baby is making a noise this is the easiest way to help them be quiet.

I'd say go to the funeral breastfeed if needed. If you child is closer to 18mths-2yrs then take some colouring or silent toys they can play with at the back.

As long as your child isn't making loads of noise I'm sure you will both be welcome.

For a close friend or family member then I would say no problem. In this case. as you haven't been in contact for years and don't know the family well enough to ask then I wouldn't.
Do you have someone who could travel with you to have the baby during the funeral?

@Lahdedahiam The baby is not even walking! She's still breastfed often.

Toddlerhood is an age related stage. Children who never walk don’t skip it, breastfeeding is also entirely irrelevant.

I'd just go and sit at the back, a one year old can't create they much noise Xx

Not when you're going to a funeral it's not! It's entirely relevant on this occasion. All this bullshit about she's a toddler and can go without breastfeeding because the book says do! Do you always refer to the book and not your own instinct or your individual child's needs?

My mum died in January, my youngest dgs was just over a year at the time he came to the funeral it was fine. More than fine actually it was a comfort to have him there. Easier than a toddler I’d have thought.
He did clap at the end of all the songs though. 😀

It's entirely different having children at the funerals of older relatives, whose lives haven't been cut short so prematurely.

It's also entirely different having related children there who meant something to the person who has died. Even if quite young and they interrupt proceedings, I can see how their presence would be welcomed if they were cherished grandchildren/ nieces/ nephews etc. After all, the day is about the person who died and the children were part of their life.

In both of these cases, I can understand the argument that children bring joy and are a sign that life continues. But that's entirely different to bringing an unrelated and unknown child to the funeral of someone who has died at 42, perhaps in difficult circumstances.

Again I'm Irish and everyone is welcome to a funeral. Asking would be strange... people have enough going on without fielding texts from people they don't know about the suitability of attending a funeral and who would say no !? Just go and sit down the back. Your presence would surely be welcomed.

My son is 17 months and still needs to be breastfed. Might just be for comfort but still needs it and I'm not going to deny him it.

My children were toddling at a year. There isn't a chance in hell that they'd have sat quietly on my lap during the service.

Keeping calling the OP's child a baby and getting hung up on the breastfeeding issue puts everyone in mind of a small baby and that isn't the case here.

@Cowlover89My son is 17 months and still needs to be breastfed. Might just be for comfort but still needs it and I'm not going to deny him it.

No idea what you are telling me this or what the relevance is?

All I said was breastfeeding does not define toddlerhood or babyhood. A young child doesn’t stay a baby as long as they are breastfed, they will still be a toddler based on age.

hahahahahaha!

Of course they can! You can usually hear a pin drop at funerals, let alone a baby!