One year old and funeral

[Peekabooooooo]

An old school friend died recently and I'd like to go to his funeral. We were close at school but haven't seen each other for years.

I have a just turned one year old baby who's breastfed. Would it be unreasonable to take her to the funeral?

I don't have any local family/friends who could take DD, and the funeral is a decent drive away so would involve leaving her for a while. I haven't managed to cut down breastfeeds yet and she doesn't really have bottles or milk from a cup.

I'd sit at the back and take her out at the first peep, and think she'd be happy in a sling.

I'm not close to the school friend's parents or siblings etc so don't want to bother them at this difficult time by asking directly.

Absolutely go and bring your baby. Take her out if you need to but in my experience (and unfortunately my DC has been to more funerals than a child her age should have had to go to) we have always been very welcome.

In my culture, we'd bring babies.

In yours, since you need to ask, if I were attending a funeral I'd stick my head around the door to see if there were any other children in attendance. If not, I'd leave a card with the undertakers / sign a book of condolences but not hang around.

If he was 42, chances are that his close family and closer friends will have kids, so should be easy enough to judge what his circle are comfortable with.

I agree

I'd check in with the parents, via the Funeral Directors, if need be, rather than MN.
I'm a Mum, but I wouldn't have taken a 1 year old to a funeral, as I just don't think it's fair on other people, but if the family are open to it, then go for it.

No

Because you're making the funeral about you and your needs

Which it most certainly is not

My issue wouldn't be you quietly breastfeeding at the back of the church

But

Having a baby who could start crying and disrupt parts of the device during someone emotional speech

Hopefully you'd have the decency to go out the door when baby cried but you'd still have ruined precious words about the deceased between getting up from your seat to the door where the damage is done

I think it's very selfish and not the time for taking a 1 year old unless you were the wife, mother or sister

*service

Probably cultural differences, but it would never have occurred to me that I couldn’t bring a baby to a funeral. However, our funerals are generally huge and in a church, so sitting near the back and making a quick exit if necessary would be easy. Also you know your baby’s routines and moods best and might know if it was a time they’d be calm, or a hungry/tired period.

No of course you cannot do this! I have had a close relative’s funeral recently and would have been very upset if a vague acquaintance turned up with a young child. I don’t want the service disrupted by a baby I don’t know and then shuffling parents and banging doors or whatever when you exit. The selfishness astounds me. And no, don’t even ask, because thet might feel they have to say yes, just have some basic consideration.

I cannot fathom this attitude.

I find it really inappropriate, an exclusively breast fed baby yes possibly. But you're talking about a toddler who can absolutely be apart from you for a couple of hours.

A onr year Old is different to an EBF newborn.
A one year old toddler, shouts, giggles, roars and babbles, all of which are wonderful however, the grieving family won't want to hear that at a funeral!

You can watch it online surely? Or pay someone for an hour. You haven't seen this person in over 15 years. You were obviously not close.

Like any event I go to there are certain 'rules' I follow if I don't know how it would on the day

So I would wear black (just one example) unless we all knew wearing non black would be fine, it is not up to me to decide the dress code

Same as unless I knew it would be fine I would not take a baby

It is a decision that can only be made by his close family, so no - sorry. See if someone can come with you and mind the baby outside, even a mum friend might come and just entertain both babies for the 45 min service.

In many cases, small children can be a joy even at funerals, because relatives of the deceased are a reminder that life continues. Random babies making noise, the risk there is upset because he didn't have children or won't see his children grow up, though - means you could unintentionally cause even more upset. Given you can't ask his partner nor mum, it's a hard no.

It's not a toddler and it's not a couple of hours

No, absolutely not (and I'm someone who thinks children should be present at most family events even if there's a risk they will disturb them).

You're not family or a very close friend here. This person presumably never met your child or had a relationship with them. While perhaps there might be an exception for tiny babies, I personally think it's only appropriate for children (and a 1yo is more a child than a baby) to be at funerals if they had some sort of relationship with the deceased, who would have been likely to want them there. So it would make sense for grandchildren to attend the funeral of a loving grandparent or great-grandparent because, even if they disturb proceedings, they are a part of the deceased's story and legacy and don't draw attention away from them. The presence of your child would distract from the focus of the event, which should be the person who has died. Also, I'm guessing this person is relatively young if you have a 1yo and they're a former school friend so the death may have been unexpected/traumatic for the family, so I'd tread very carefully here.

I would say it isn't a problem. At my husband's funeral quite a few people turned up with young babies, after a couple were outside as they'd immediately taken them out when they started fussing. No-one asked and I wouldn't have expected them to. I was just pleased they came.

I don't think it's appropriate. They'll be close friends and family who will have to arrange and pay for childcare to attend, if a random old school friend turned up with a toddler I'd be a bit annoyed and confused tbh. The only children I'd expect to see at a funeral are children within the immediate family, with the exception being a newborn tucked away in a sling.

Send a nice card to the family instead if you can't arrange childcare.

1. A funeral is a public event - anyone can go.
2. The family have got more important things to deal with than answering you, and the Funeral Director won't be able to tell you.
3. Most people (although clearly not everyone on this thread!) are delighted to think that their loved one meant enough for you to turn up at their funeral.
4. Everyone at the funeral except the celebrant will be facing forwards, not back - they won't even know you're there until afterwards.
5. breastfeeding at a funeral is absolutely fine (but waving flags is frowned on 😊)

One cry followed by the baby being removed (or having a tit shoved in his gob) won't disturb anyone. Persistent crying is likely to prevent people hearing what's being said. What you are proposing is absolutely normal - just go, sit at the back and be prepared to leave straight away if he gets noisy. It won't disturb anyone.

I've attended more than a thousand funerals, since you ask, in a professional capacity. I have had women breastfeeding at the back and nobody else noticed. I have also had babies crying for long periods and not being removed; it doesn't bother me, but I think it's unfair on the family not to take them out. Go, because it will bring your friend comfort to see you.

Apologies - just realised your baby is a girl!

Yes, but the family of the deceased, who are ones that matter, may feel differently. However, since the OP hasn’t seen her friend for 24 years the real question is should she be there at all.

Yes, but the family of the deceased, who are ones that matter, may feel differently. However, since the OP hasn’t seen her friend for 24 years the real question is should she be there at all.

Why would a 1 year old need to drink from a bottle??
She will be having 3 meals a day plus snacks. She doesn’t need breastfed at all points through the day, you should be able to leave her for a few hours.

Taking a toddler is a lot different to a young breastfeeding quiet baby.

As someone with recent experience I think your plan is fine, as long as you take your baby out straight away if they become unsettled.

Whilst I appreciated a former colleague/friend paying his respects to my husband, and knew he was bringing his baby, aged about 9 months, it never occurred to me that he would do anything other than sit at the back, or an end seat, and take her out if she became noisy.

The baby didn’t cry much, but made quite a few sudden noises over the course of the service, and generally made chattering sounds, which would probably have been quite sweet at other times. He made no attempt to leave despite being asked by another mourner to take the baby outside. ( An elderly close relative who had travelled many hours to the service. I didn’t know that until later.)

I will probably never forgive him for just sitting there when the baby was being loud during my 20 YO daughter’s eulogy to her beloved Dad.

The service was also being webcast to distant family and friends who could not make the journey and we didn’t realise until too late that one of the microphones must have been nearby and it clearly picked up the baby’s chatter, making it hard to hear the some of the service.

I haven’t spoken to this ‘friend’ since, and doubt I ever will.

@Lahdedahiam It's not a toddler and it's not a couple of hours

A 1 year old is most definitely a toddler by pretty much any definition going, including the NHS, WHO and UNICEF.