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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have rang the police

208 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:06

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 15/09/2023 01:10

You haven't destroyed anything. Your violent pig of a husband has. Tonight he has abused both you and your child. Please find the strength to leave him. He will keep doing this.

FlamingoFloss · 15/09/2023 01:12

Bless you. You e sone absolutely nothing wrong. He’s very lucky you’re eith him after all he has done. You also agreed a safety plan and he went against this and so you didn’t feel safe. He then proved again why wou weren’t safe and you did absolutely the right thing by calling in the police.
have you hit anyone who can come and be with you?

Blueeyes13 · 15/09/2023 01:12

You haven't done anything wrong. I would have called the police too!

Calistano · 15/09/2023 01:12

You did the right thing. Must have been terrifying for your son to witness.

Dixienormassss · 15/09/2023 01:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hadebough · 15/09/2023 01:13

His reaction to you calling the police proves that you did the right thing and that you were absolutely right to not feel safe with him.

Original poster
Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:14

This is my bald patch on my head, my son is 2 he was screaming and it was heartbreaking 😪

no I’m completely alone and I just don’t know what to do

To have rang the police
OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 15/09/2023 01:16

Stop being so hysterical. You did what was best for you and your son, that’s what counts

your husband was abusive, he’s violent when drunk. He hasn’t learnt from previous episodes, you can’t have him around you, or more importantly your child

its good that the police will take this forward even if you decide you don’t want to, it maybe the wake up call you both need

Personally I would be taking this opportunity to get everything together to leave him. He is no example to your child and your child has to be your priority

pnutter · 15/09/2023 01:18

I understand what you're feeling about maybe he just wanted to sleep etc the guilt you are feeling, yes ive lived that ( 20+ years ago)
But, his reaction ??
He will never be a good person to you and your child im sorry
Please. Please just kèep you and your child safe. It doesnt just stop. X

Dixienormassss · 15/09/2023 01:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Brightandshining · 15/09/2023 01:24

Your husband is an abusive pos and you did absolutely nothing wrong. There's no excuse for his behaviour, absolutely none. Don't start making excuses for him or taking responsibility for it in your mind. It's easy to do that because it's less frightening to think you had some kind of control over the situation and if you just behaved in a certain way he would not have hurt you. But that isn't real. He chose to hurt you. If it wasn't you calling the police it could've been anything he used as a 'reason' the tone of your voice, the way you looked at him...he's a violent piece of shit when he's drunk and that's not due to you. He's done it before and he will do it again. And they also use the alcohol as an excuse... many people get drunk, many people are even alcoholics and they do not violently attack women. This is a choice he is making using being drunk as a reason to let this put and take less responsibility for it.
I hope you manage to leave him

Nicole1111 · 15/09/2023 01:25

Part of an abusers power is in their ability to manipulate you in to believing their actions aren’t that bad. Your gut knows deep down that’s bullshit though and that you and your son can’t be safe when he’s around and that’s why you called the police. It’s important now that you take any support offered by the police and try to work with a domestic abuse charity. They have the expertise you need. Please do this for your son’s sake. The consequences of him being exposed to frightening incidents like this could be life changing and lasting.
I’d also recommend confiding in as many friends and family as possible if you haven’t already. It’s common to hide a partner’s abusive behaviour to protect them, or because you’re embarrassed, but you need to protect yourself and your son, not him. Not only can they help to keep you and your son safe but that also means more emotional support for you

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 15/09/2023 01:40

You did absolutely the right thing. However there is no chance in hell you can ever be with him again. The social services will be involved and will support you through this. You deserve better, your child deserves better, you need to escape this situation Flowers

PrinnyPree · 15/09/2023 01:48

Oh OP this isn't your fault at all, he is a violent drunk and was already assaulting you and ignoring your boundaries when you were trying to keep your son safe in bed before you even called the police. What sort of person goes and bloody gets drunk in the middle of the day and comes home to beat their wife in front of their screaming baby, a complete scumbag that's who.

OP you now need to be strong for your 2 year old and get your ducks in a row becaue you have to leave this relationship, your baby deserves to not live in fear. There is no coming back from this OP. Xx

Please contact womens aid for help with next steps. Xx sending massive hugs.

MrsFezziwig · 15/09/2023 01:52

You need a “safety plan” to be with your husband?

LordSalem · 15/09/2023 02:12

Tinkerbyebye · 15/09/2023 01:16

Stop being so hysterical. You did what was best for you and your son, that’s what counts

your husband was abusive, he’s violent when drunk. He hasn’t learnt from previous episodes, you can’t have him around you, or more importantly your child

its good that the police will take this forward even if you decide you don’t want to, it maybe the wake up call you both need

Personally I would be taking this opportunity to get everything together to leave him. He is no example to your child and your child has to be your priority

I think OP has a right to be hysterical in her posts on here. Shes been attacked in her own home, bedroom even, in front of her young son. She could type any number of frantic panicked posts but she isn't and hasn't. She's not being hysterical in real life, clearly, and obviously that is as a result of protecting her child.
You're feeding into unnecessary drama saying things like that. Give OP a fucking break. She's posting for support, not for some random to put the boot in.

BobVanceRefrigeration · 15/09/2023 02:21

The only person who has destroyed the family is your husband! Please, for your son's sake, leave your husband. Your son should never have to witness his mother being physically assaulted by his father. And you should never have to deal with someone who gets that angry that he rips your hair out!!

IF there is any silver lining to be had from this horrific situation, I hope it gives you the strength to end this relationship.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 15/09/2023 02:25

Being drunk is no excuse for treating people like this!
He has made you false promises and needs to be made accountable, if not, his drinking behaviour will be worse.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 02:27

There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

You gave him a chance which TBH is more than he deserved and put you at considerable risk and yet he's demonstrated that he can't be trusted to change to keep you safe. This time, don't take him back. Get a non-mol and start divorce proceedings. Women's Aid will guide you through this.

You and your son deserve better than a batterer. When you are thinking all that "wrecked our family" nonsense stuff, think of your son screaming and think of how he will see his daddy hurting his mummy over and over again in years to come unless you are strong for both of you now. Witnessing spousal abuse is a form of child abuse and your son deserves better than that.

For now, get some sleep. The police have the drunken abusive twat so you and your son are safe tonight and can start your new lives without the abuser in the morning.

heartbroken22 · 15/09/2023 02:28

It's not you it's him. Please don't blame yourself. We women have to do things to ensure our safety. It's good you called. He shouldn't have done that and it escalated whether you would have called or not. He's pathetic. What's wrong with him. Does he have no shame? Pathetic excuse of a man.

heartbroken22 · 15/09/2023 02:30

He will feel ashamed when he sobers up.

Sueveneers · 15/09/2023 02:30

You need to press charges. You need a Restraining Order. You need to not let him back in the house. You need a DIVORCE. He a drunken, dangerous, abusive and aggressive piece of garbage. If you take him back, next time he will (almost certainly) kill you. And your son, will be without a mother, with his father in jail. Your son probably in a foster home. You need to make sure he NEVER returns to the house ever again. You owe it to yourself, and, your son.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 02:32

Tinkerbyebye · 15/09/2023 01:16

Stop being so hysterical. You did what was best for you and your son, that’s what counts

your husband was abusive, he’s violent when drunk. He hasn’t learnt from previous episodes, you can’t have him around you, or more importantly your child

its good that the police will take this forward even if you decide you don’t want to, it maybe the wake up call you both need

Personally I would be taking this opportunity to get everything together to leave him. He is no example to your child and your child has to be your priority

Your first sentence is not appropriate nor constructive. "Hysteria" has been used by men to devalue and ignore women's opinions for centuries. The OP is entitled to be confused and frightened. There will much psychological abuse for her to unpack the effects of. Abusers make you blame yourself, it's how they get away with abusing.

If you had started with your second sentence, your post would be brilliant.

Anotherparkingthread · 15/09/2023 02:32

You have done nothing wrong.

You followed a plan that you made because you know he is like this and it still happened. The plan didn't work. That means you can't keep yourself or your child safe from him and he can never be allowed into your home again.

You need to understand that this wasn't your fault it was entirely him. He chose to drink knowing it makes him violent. He chose to come home knowing he is capable of this. He chose to hit you and rip out your hair. You didn't choose any of it.

Make a statement with the police, give them everything they need. You will be in horrible shock at the moment so just focus on feeling safe. Maybe call a close friend or relative to come over, if not now then in the morning. Do you have anybody nearby?

MotherEarthisaTerf · 15/09/2023 02:33

I'm so sorry. You must have so much emotion and adrenaline running through you no wonder you can't sleep.

Have a cup of tea with 2 sugars and put the telly on to distract your mind. The racing thoughts will calm down. Your body needs to get to a place of safety. It's no use going through the what ifs now.

you need to quiet your mind so you can rest - then you can concentrate on your son in the morning