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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have rang the police

208 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:06

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

OP posts:

Kamia · 15/09/2023 07:31

Sounds like my nasty ex. I left him for good and found peace. You did the right thing this is the best thing for you and your baby. After you get out of this you will realise how messed up it all is. They gaslight you to believe it's just the drink they are not really like this. This is who they are, the drink is an excuse. If he knows how he gets when he is drunk why does he drink in the first place?

Keep that picture never forget what he has done to you, the terror in your babies eyes. He will try to get you back but be strong. You're not breaking up your family he just did. Think of getting a restraining order and move away, change your number. After leaving I realised how unhinged he really was with what he did to me. Thankfully I've moved on and now with someone who never raised his voice at me or called me names.

Joeylove88 · 15/09/2023 07:33

You must be really gentle with yourself and absolutely not blame yourself at all for any of this. You 100% did the right thing calling the police, what you have just gone through is horrific. Please understand that your husband is the one who is completely at fault and is completely abusive. It I'd irrelevant how long ago it was that he last did anything like this, he should of never done this EVER, not even once! You will be feeling raw and scared right now understandably, but do look after yourself and your son and strongly consider seeking help from family, friends or other pr0fessionals to help you come to terms with this situation and leaving your relationship to avoid both yourself and your son ever having to go through something like that again. He's the one that's fucked up here just remember this.

AdviceNeededForMe · 15/09/2023 07:35

Youve done everything right op. This has to be the end now. No taking him back

HTmmm · 15/09/2023 07:35

Phoning the police when your child was in danger was of course the correct thing to do.

HE destroyed any possibility of a family the moment he started being abusive.

If someone is abusive you don't make a 'safety plan' with them, you leave them to protect your child. The next step is to be honest with the police, SS and yourself. Take their advice and help, seek legal advice and take all the steps they advise to protect your child and yourself from further abuse. Please don't communicate with nor rely on an abuser to do the right thing, any further communication and plan should be through legal representation and SS.

Floppyelf · 15/09/2023 07:35

you might not feel like it now but you are so brave and both your son and you are better off with him out of your life. Call the police back and give them a statement detailing all the years of abuse. Try and get him a custodial sentence so that you can truly get him out of your life.

skinnytobe · 15/09/2023 07:37

I hope you managed to get some sleep OP.

Please do not let this vile man back into your home. Speak to women's aid. Accept all help from police. His bail conditions will mean he cannot come home or be near you.

Next time it could be worse. A friend of mine had a sister in a similar situation, DV when her husband was drunk. Sadly her sister was killed by him. It only takes one wrongly aimed punch. Which when people are drunk, can very easily happen.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 15/09/2023 07:39

You did nothing wrong. The opposite actually! Well done for calling the police!

you didn’t destroy anything. He did.

you seem like a very strong woman and mother: You got the action plan, you did your best to enforce it, tried to protect your son and you called the police.
You did amazingly well! Try to preserve that strength to ensure that your H never gets the chance to do this again. I strongly agree with pp: do not live with this man ever again!

is there somebody you can call? Have a cup of tea (coffee, hot chocolate etc.) and take some time to gather your thoughts. Take care 💐💐

BadHairBae · 15/09/2023 07:44

I'm so sorry, OP.

This is awful and I hope DS is okay this morning. What dreadful behaviour by your husband.

You did the right thing here, please try not to feel guilty.

Garlicnaan · 15/09/2023 07:46

You 100% did the right thing.

That's why the police came quickly.

If you won't leave for your own good.

Being in a household with domestic abuse as a child is major Adverse Childhood Event. It can cause a long term trauma response and developmental and attachment issues with young children, impacting them their whole lives and resulting in brain changes that can look similar in terms of how they impact the child to autism and ADHD.

ZadocPDederick · 15/09/2023 07:47

Please support the police prosecution by giving a full statement. Ask them either to get him remanded in custody or make it a condition of bail that the keeps well away from you and your child. Then phone Women's Aid to get help with a divorce.

FlamingoQueen · 15/09/2023 07:50

NONE of this is your fault - and unless people are stupid on here, I don’t see how you can have abuse on here too!

Well done for calling the Police - I am just sad that you even have to have these protocols in place due to his drinking. This is not a normal life and I think you need to consider your future with this man. The fact your ds witnessed it all, is not good. I think this should be the time that you put an end to it all. If he’s meant to stay away when drunk to avoid abusing you, that clearly isn’t working on either count so it’s time to protect yourself and ds and throw the book at him.

Next time you may not have time to call the Police. Good luck x

Roguebludger · 15/09/2023 07:51

You did the right thing he made an active choice to abuse you and harm his child. Speak to someone friend or family and if there's no one you feel you can speak to try the national Centre for domestic violence. Its not your fault.

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 15/09/2023 07:51

I voted YABU because you've already stayed with him after he's been violent to you and yet you expect him to respect you and the agreement.

RampantIvy · 15/09/2023 07:51

The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway

Good. I hope they throw the book at him.

You did the right thing by calling the police. Your abuser has destroyed everything, not you. He will do this again, and again, and again. Do you want this for your child?

Please get a restraining order against your abuser.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2023 08:00

OP it's time to get angry.
Angry he's abused and assaulted you.
Angry that your son is seeing violence in the home.
Angry that violence as a way to solve conflict is being normalised.

No one should need a safety plan in their relationship.

This is all on him.
Be kind to yourself.
Work towards a peaceful life, one without him in it.

UpCloseAndPersonalWithGlenda · 15/09/2023 08:05

Your children shouldn't have to live with this, OP. In a previous thread, you said when we aren’t arguing he is lovely, the best dad and husband I could ask for. You also said there was no drinking involved in his bad behaviour. There is clearly a lot to unscramble here, but whatever the truth is, you and he are in a thoroughly dysfunctional relationship and it needs to end as it is going to be harming your children.

IncompleteSenten · 15/09/2023 08:06

You are with a man you have to have a safety plan with so he doesn't beat you while drunk and he does anyway.

Why do you want to stay with him, put yourself and your child at risk and have your child grow up thinking this is how people in a relationship behave?

If he cared at all that he was a violent drunk - he'd stop drinking!!!!

Alcohol doesn't change who you are. It simply lowers inhibitions and exposes who you are.

You stay with him and one day he'll no longer need the booze to beat the shit out of you.

Help is out there. You can save yourself and your child from this.

Bearpawk · 15/09/2023 08:07

Nope.
He could have just left and come back in the morning.
He could have gone and quietly sleeps downstairs.
Yet he chose to attack you. He needs locking up.

ChaToilLeam · 15/09/2023 08:09

Life for you and your son will be infinitely better without this vile man in it. If a man needs a “safety plan” to contain his behaviour then he isn’t safe to be around at all, as you have found out.

You haven’t destroyed your family. You’ve saved it - but you cannot consider this man part of it any more. Please, take this opportunity and be free of him.

Janieforever · 15/09/2023 08:11

The police pursue op because too many women are abused , the police kmow it, then they say but I love him and drop the charges, so now they are able to charge without the victims involvement. For me this is a positive as so many abused women are unable to bring themselves and take him back.

I hope you find the strength to never ever allow him in your home again, for not just your sake, but for your child’s. No child should have to witness this , it will impact them for life, the absolute terror of it. From the two people who should be protecting him.

Timeforchangeplease · 15/09/2023 08:12

Please put your son first here leave him and never look back
Please do not put your son in this position again by staying with your husband he will never change

Thoughtful2355 · 15/09/2023 08:14

you think you escalated it wrong? Your son was petrified .. your allowing your son to be petrified and grow up watching that if you dont leave.

MagentaRocks · 15/09/2023 08:17

For those (few) making nasty comments, please stop. The op is being abused in her own home and has come here for support - do you really think being abusive and nasty is going to make her feel any better? She is already conditioned by her abusive husband to feel that she is at fault. Please don’t make it worse and make her think he is right.

OP you did the right thing. Hopefully now you can make the move to leave him for you and your child. You know this isn’t right, and is effecting your child, but years of being with an abusive husband have made you think it isn’t that bad, or you have done something to make this happen. You haven’t, this is all on him. Please speak to women’s aid and get some help to find the strength to leave.

motherofcatsandbears · 15/09/2023 08:20

You did the right thing to protect yourself and your little boy. If you hadn’t called, your (hopefully soon ex) husband would have seen this as a green light to abuse you both, sober or drunk.
He will, no doubt, try to crawl back to you to apologise and promise it won’t happen again, but we all know it will.
I’m very concerned that out of the 505 votes as at 08:17, 11% of voters think you’re being unreasonable - WTAF?
Stay strong my beautiful friend - take this opportunity to see him charged with domestic violence and move on to a better, safer and happier life ❤️

CampsieGlamper · 15/09/2023 08:20

Agree totally

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