To have rang the police

[Muminneedofadvice23]

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

Annoyed that he got caught, more likely. OP, beware the lovebombing that he will do next to reel you back in!

OP please focus on what's best for your small son. Growing up in a house with a father who has trouble with drink and physically abuses his wife and the mother of his child isn't it. For the sake of your son DO NOT take this POS back: it will never get better. You are not destroying your family: your husband did that when he got drunk and hit you in front of your child. The responsibility for any fallout lies entirely with him.

In terms of calming down tonight, a bath or shower, hot tea like PP suggested, get a sudoku from the internet to solve. You might also benefit from sitting with your son for a while.

Please, for the sake of your son, never ever live with this man again.

At some point you’re going to leave this abusive relationship maybe not today, maybe not next year but at some stage you will not have any confusion, feelings, hope, loyalty left and you’ll get you and your child to a much better place. I just pray you do it asap. You and your child deserve better.

There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober.

^^You know this isn't a normal way to live, right?

You have been EXTREMELY accommodating to him, coming up with a plan on how to stay safe when he's been drinking.

No one should need a plan to stay safe when their partner has been drinking. Violence is never OK, or acceptable. And no one should have to modify their behaviour to avoid their partner being violent towards them.

I know first-hand what it's like to like with an abusive partner. And I know how hard it is to truly believe that you're not in the wrong.

I didn't have children when I was with my abusive ex, but we had a dog. And it was watching him be cruel to the dog which flipped the trigger for me. For you, knowing that you have to protect your DS from EVER, EVER having to view this kind of behaviour again - that's what might give you the courage to do what is necessary.

It doesn't matter how lovely he is the rest of the time. The fact that you knew you weren't safe means this is not a man you should live with. You can't trust him not to escalate and seriously hurt you. YOU deserve better than that. And if you struggle to believe that, then at the very least know that your DS deserves better than what happened tonight.

Keep posting on here for support if you need it. There are lots of wonderful, kind, resourceful women on here who will help you.

Just think, if he'd knocked you out, (or God forbid! worse) what !might have happened to your son?
You are NOT to blame for anything, it is not your fault!
Be strong, and get shot of this pathetic abusive excuse of a man.
You and your son need to be safe.
Maybe ask to have this moved, or start a new post in Relationships where there are some very knowledgeable posters who will advise you on the practical stuff, and people who will support you all the way to get safe.
You did the right thing to call the police, truly!

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I read your post with my mouth hanging open- NO WAY should you or your son be dealing with this. The trauma of trying to protect him from this abuser is bad enough on its own; I think you're now forgetting to value and protect yourself in the process.

You MUST protect yourself 1st in order to protect your son. Please please seek some outside help and take steps to get out of this diabolical situation.

Do you want your son growing up thinking this behaviour is normal for a Dad and repeating the cycle? You need to find the strength to leave him and safeguard your son's future. Contact support services. It's better to be single and safe than in a toxic relationship.

So sorry this has happened and I promise you, you've done nothing wrong. In the aftermath of any abuse, even where it's been 'just' a verbal argument with abuse, you always feel as though you've done something wrong, or that you've over reacted, or what the hell happened.

He can't control his anger. He's a problem. You are not, even if you feel you are attached to him, you are not the problem. He is.

You’re not completely alone op - you’re safe. You have people up and down the country on here willing your safety to continue. You have your son.

My lord my love you had a SAFETY PLAN (?!) in place with your husband to protect you from…your husband?!?!? This isn’t Twilight ffs. He’s not a freaking vampire.

It is not your fault. It is also not your fault that you’re feeling guilty - it’s a human response. But tomorrow you need to run towards reality - GP, counselling, freedom programme, trusted family/friends, online forums…whatever you can do to bring yourself back to seeing clearly. You are probably trauma bonded. You ARE being abused. You did NOT do this. Don’t let your son grow up terrified. Don’t let him grow up thinking this is normal.

Tonight, get rest. Look after your wounds. Watch tv. Cuddle your boy.

Im so sorry you’re going through this.

He will be bailed tomorrow with conditions not to come home. Use this time to make an appointment with a solicitor, get all your joint financial information & ask about a non molestation order because his bail conditions will only last so long. Take photographs of any injuries & get a crime number. A solicitor can get an emergency hearing to get you the order.

While you may not see it now, you have just saved yourself and your son from a horrendous life. Please don't be upset and think you have ruined your family, it would have gone on for years and got worse. Luckily your son is young and this can easily be forgotten its better to get out now rather than later. No man should ever treat you like this. Not being able to handle your drink is one thing, but becoming abusive to WOMEN while drunk? An absolute pig of a man and im glad the police are pursuing regardless of a statement or not, this is for you and your sons protection. I also promise that if you let him manipulate you and you go back, this will happen again and you would have WISHED you stayed away right now. A man like this cannot change

You say you've got nobody else to turn to. Is there a possibility he's created that situation? Has he made it difficult for you to have relationships with anyone but him? I'm so sorry to hear that you feel so alone right now, but if you can view this as your rock bottom and start to make changes just think how much better you could make your life without this abuse hanging over you x

Please contact Women’s Aid. They’ll be able to talk you through your next steps: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

If you're at a point with your partner that you have to have a plan in place for when they get drunk and violent, it's already over.

Only one person ruined things - him.

You have already given him more chances than anyone deserves.

He absolutely blew it, he demonstrated he doesn't give a single shit about you or your child.

Don't let him back in. Don't give him another chance.

If he kills you - that leaves your son with just him.

If he doesn't kill you - you're showing your son that this is how a marriage works, that it's acceptable.

As a parent it is your duty to protect your son, so thats the priority, not a grown mans feelings.

Wow! This is a wonderful response! OP, PLEASE listen to all of the posters here who are supporting you, reassuring you and comforting you.
This is NOT on you. This is NOT on your son. This is 100%, fully and completely, totally and absolutely, on HIM, your NAADH (not at all DH).

When you even need to have a safety plan to keep you and your DS safe when your NAADH drinks, the writing is on the wall. He did not keep to the plan and he HURT you and traumatized your DS.

I hope you have put ice on your bruises, had some tea and cuddled your son. I am so sorry you had to go through this. You will need to be strong because your new goal is to permanently keep you and your DS safe from an abusive drunken POS.

{{HUGS}} from across the pond.

What the fuck "our safety plan"
Are you insane get your kid and get out before it escalates any further.
Normal relationships do not require a fucking safety plan.
Sorry I can't do touchy feely softly softly all I can see in your post is that you are choosing an abuser over your child and you don't need stroking and telling poor baby you need a reality check.

You know what you do OP.

Once you're over the shock of this evening, get out.

Now.

No more chances.

The fact that you need to have a safety plan from your husband says it all OP. You are not in the wrong and you haven't broken up your family, he has and although it's harder said than done.. I hope you choose to leave him because regardless of anything, he's ripped a large part of your hair out and further assaulted you- that behaviour is never on you, it's the choice he made

He's been violent to you previously and you now have a safety plan just to live with your husband? He'd never set foot in my house again!
You need to end this, if not for yourself, for your poor little son. Otherwise this will be how he treats women when he's older.

No one should ever have to live with a safety plan OP. Please speak with women’s aid and get some advice about leaving for your own safety and that of your son. You deserve so much better.

Normal men don't spend 12 hours drinking and then come home and abuse their wives. If he wanted to sleep he could have slept downstairs. This is bearing in mind that he has enough of a history of domestic violence and drunkenness that he has agreed to not turn up when drunk. He is a powder keg just waiting to go off. I hope you can get away permanently. Your son must have been terrified. What sort of man thinks that hitting you and pulling out chunks of your hair is acceptable? Strangely these men don't pick fights with other men but just beat up their wives and children. Getting locked up is exactly what these men deserve.

Do you have anybody you could talk to? I think he might have isolated you from friends and family? Can you call your mum or dad or sibling? Even if you have been estranged I hope that they will be relieved to hear from you and that you are leaving him.

Please think about your son. He has just seen his father turn up drunk, beat up his mother, pull out hunks of her hair and then eventually be taken away by the police. He shouldn't have to see it again. You did the right thing when you called the police.

He will never change the fact he was violent infront of your young child means you need to make a decision put your son first and get rid of this abuser. It's not a pleasant childhood to witness your dad knocking crap out of your mother please contact women's aid.