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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have rang the police

208 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:06

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

OP posts:
Coka · 15/09/2023 10:54

That is terrible and im so sorry he put you and your son through that. You need to make sure you do everything possible now to protect your son now and make sure he is never in that situation again. He will start to remember things soon and this could cause life-time trauma. You absoulutly deserve better too and deserve to not live in fear of an abusive man.

ChristopherTalken · 15/09/2023 10:57

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You did NOTHING. He is the abuser.

I am going to give you a sharp shock.

Now the police are well aware he is abusive to you both, if you do not make steps to leave, then you are choosing to keep your child in an unsafe environment. That could flag to social services, and you risk losing your child.

Please, please, speak to women aid. If not for you, for your child.

Jayandnoisybob · 15/09/2023 10:57

You are fantastic OP. Well done for getting yourself and your children out of a horrible abusive relationship.

GingerIsBest · 15/09/2023 11:03

what you need to bear in mind is that even while you were on the phone to the police, he was so out of control that he continued to hit you. A 5 year old tantrumming would probably stop if a police officer was standing over him....

Good luck getting away from this man. x

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 15/09/2023 11:06

I didn't know which way to vote:

Your actions were perfectly reasonable and I'm glad you called the police. Things could easily have gone much much worse last night - for you and for your child.

Your feeling that his arrest etc. is all your fault IS unreasonable. It was his fault.
He got drunk when he knows this leads him to violence. He came home drunk when he had agreed not to. He attacked you.

wineandmaltesershappyme · 15/09/2023 11:09

Scienceadvisory · 15/09/2023 01:10

You haven't destroyed anything. Your violent pig of a husband has. Tonight he has abused both you and your child. Please find the strength to leave him. He will keep doing this.

Edited

This. Be strong OP. You and your child can't live like this

Original poster
Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 11:11

So this morning I have spoken to Womens Aid and children social care he is on bail not to contact me or come to the house, but I am still gonna go to my dad and get away I’m really emotional and overwhelmed with everything at the moment and I think I just need to be out of the house. Where are the kids can just see some normality and take my mind off things. I’ve spoken to both of my children schools because one is in primary and one in high school and they’ve been really supportive actually as much time off as needed as long as everything is okay and they’ve obviously had the report from the police to yesterday. Social care have advised me it’s going to a strategy meeting and there’s a marac being held today, so I’ll know the outcome later

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 15/09/2023 11:12

FarmGirl78 · 15/09/2023 09:25

Question for you OP...

Which one of you was unreasonable and escalated the situation?

A) You by calling the Police to get rid of him and keep you and your child safe? (And possibly even alive)

B) Him by punching you, pulling your hair out, hitting you in the face with a phone, causing you physical injuries and screaming at you in front of your terrified child?

You know you can't allow this to continue.

This. You do not need therapy as a couple. You are no longer ever to be a couple or one day he will kill you.You need therapy for you. Your last post makes it sound as if you will wobble and change your mind. You must never go back to this man. This is not a normal, acceptable, safe relationship.

ChristopherTalken · 15/09/2023 11:14

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 11:11

So this morning I have spoken to Womens Aid and children social care he is on bail not to contact me or come to the house, but I am still gonna go to my dad and get away I’m really emotional and overwhelmed with everything at the moment and I think I just need to be out of the house. Where are the kids can just see some normality and take my mind off things. I’ve spoken to both of my children schools because one is in primary and one in high school and they’ve been really supportive actually as much time off as needed as long as everything is okay and they’ve obviously had the report from the police to yesterday. Social care have advised me it’s going to a strategy meeting and there’s a marac being held today, so I’ll know the outcome later

you are AMAZING.

Well done.

Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to be upset. This is traumatic and lifechanging but I promise you will come out the other side happier.

Sladurche · 15/09/2023 11:21

OP, I used to blame myself for arguments and violence, but I am going to quote Patrick Stewart here (the child of an abusive father): "The truth is my mother did nothing to deserve the violence she endured. She did not provoke my father, and even if she had, violence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it.”
Even if you did "provoke" him, yell at him, call him names, say nasty things, that is not a justification for him getting drunk and being violent. It is not something your child should be subjected to. It will not change. It will be a cycle of drunk abuse and rage and violence, followed by an attempt to smooth it over. You can't live like that. More importantly, your child can't live with that. Stay safe with your Dad, and form a plan of action. Worth noting that women can be in the most danger when they are leaving an abusive person, so being 200 miles away is a good thing. Block him completely and only speak with him with another person present.

billy1966 · 15/09/2023 11:27

You poor woman.

Well done for calling the police.

You are a great mother that did the right thing.

Please do not allow him back into the home.

Take every bit of support you deserve.

Wishing you continued strength

Willowview · 15/09/2023 11:29

OP, I understand that the SS will need to follow procedure, can you make yourself available between certain times eg, between 10 and 12 everyday in order to protect yourself and your family from the stress of saturation, the hours you define could be when you make, receive calls, email etc.

🦋 x

HarpieDuJour · 15/09/2023 11:36

You have done nothing wrong. Nobody needed a safety plan to make sure that YOU didn't violently assault them, did they? You haven't punched anybody. He made his own choices and now he will have to take the consequences of that.

You are doing everything possible to protect your family now, and there are people who will support you. WA and social services will advise you and you should do exactly what they say. Your local council or housing association can help if you need to be rehoused for your own safety and that of your children. It won't be a fun process, obviously, but you will get there and you will live happily again.

WestwardHo1 · 15/09/2023 11:39

Fucking hell OP, you poor thing.

You haven't done a thing wrong. You have done exactly the right thing and got the police involved so you can get this violent unstable drunk away from you and your child.

NO ONE should have to have a written agreement with someone about how to stay safe from them!

Please take all the help available to you to keep going forward. Like a PP said, it is now on record that he has been violent to you and your child, so do not go back to him. Women's Aid are wonderful - please go to them.

WestwardHo1 · 15/09/2023 11:41

Oh you already have - well done Flowers

LatteLady · 15/09/2023 11:58

OP, I voted that you were unreasonable because you are unreasonable to doubt yourself. The incident sets a process rolling, and that process is to protect everyone, you from further violence, your children from seeing it and your husband from committing it. All I can say is engage with the MARAC teams, being with you is not the appropriate place for your husband until he gets his drinking under control. I understand that you are scared but you have proved by calling for help that you know things need to change. Unfortunately, you seldom get any decent conversation by talking to someone who has drink taken. I hope the weekend with you dad gives you some space and thinking time.

IncompleteSenten · 15/09/2023 12:07

I'm so glad you're leaving but please stop trying to assign yourself some blame for what he has done
He is 100% to blame for all of his actions.

Mari9999 · 15/09/2023 12:08

@Muminneedofadvice23

If drunken individuals were rational and capable of adhering to rules, agreements, and acceptable behavior there would be little objection to there drinking.

Did you really think that once he was drunk that he would stop and think "oh now, I have to make alternative accommodation arrangement for the night because I am drunk and this is what I agreed to do when I am drunk.". Chances are, if he had that type of reasoning ability and control, he would not drink enough to become drunk.

Calling the police is what you do when you are being or have been assaulted. Thinking that a drunken individual is going to have the wherewithal to follow through on some agreement that dictates what he is to do once drunk is a fairly naive expectation.

Why are you staying with an abusive alcoholic? He may not have his drinking under control. but what is your reason for remaining in this relationship?

AffIt · 15/09/2023 12:09

OP, I flatter myself that I'm not easily shocked, but the image you posted of your scalp really, really rattled me. You could so easily have been very seriously injured or even killed.

I am delighted to hear that you have managed to get yourself and your children to a place of safety away from this violent, dangerous man.

The next step will be to make sure you stay safe and never have anything to do with him again.

I wish you strength to do that - I'm sure the good people of MN will help you in your resolve - and all happiness with your family in the future, once you cut this loathsome man out of your life for good.

kirinm · 15/09/2023 12:10

You shouldn't need a plan to deal with his abuse. He sounds like an awful man. You've done the right thing. The next thing to do is leave him

ilikemethewayiam · 15/09/2023 12:11

MrsFezziwig · 15/09/2023 01:52

You need a “safety plan” to be with your husband?

i had no idea this was even a thing! How are children allowed to continue living in a house where a “safety plan” is in place because of a violent out of control male. I’m actually gobsmacked!

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 15/09/2023 12:25

Well done OP - you are showing amazing strength and character.

Never forget that he nearly killed you. I'm sure that he is not always such a terrible man and that he has many amazing qualities. However he will never be one you are safe around. Such violence tends to escalate each time. He has no control when drunk and angry. You can't be his control.

If you had the most amazing car (a thing of speed and beauty and luxury and joy) but despite all the care and maintanence , occasionally and unexpectedly its brakes would fail, you wouldn't drive in that car and wouldn't trust it enough to take your children in it. Don't try to re-trust your DP.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 15/09/2023 12:36

Just to say you are amazing. You had a plan he messed it up.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 15/09/2023 12:49

@Muminneedofadvice23 so sorry you’ve had such a frightening experience. Unfortunately, because your husband is a violent drunk you have to accept that your marriage is now over for good.

He’s an absolute bastard for what he did to you and is very dangerous. Please keep you and your beautiful children safe. Nobody should ever be subjected to such physical and emotional abuse.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 12:49

I am so relieved to read your updates. Well done. You have taken the first steps to protect yourself and your children.

Beware the lovebombing, where he will promise to change etc. It's part of a standard set of scripts that abusers use. Remember your son screaming and afraid when your stb-exH tries the lovebombing. You can do this, you can be free of fear, free of him, and safe. Everyone on this thread is rooting for you.

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