Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To have rang the police

208 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:06

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

OP posts:

CampsieGlamper · 15/09/2023 08:22

I would hope anyone who voted yabu would mean you are being unreasonable for fearing you are the cause of his asshole behaviour and any repercussions of him being a fucktard.

RampantIvy · 15/09/2023 08:27

I suspect that this is the case @CampsieGlamper

Intriguedbythis · 15/09/2023 08:28

Bless you honey 💚 you are a warrior woman. But don’t be anymore, you need to be SOFT and full of GRACE to YOURSELF- you do not have to shoulder this shit. You do NOT deserve this. Not only did you do the right thing.. you must persevere to do it. Your child is too young for this. Find your strength and get protection from police and rebuild your life stronger than ever. X

Willowview · 15/09/2023 08:39

Good morning @Muminneedofadvice23
Keep posting, we'll support you x

Toomuvhonot · 15/09/2023 08:40

He is to blame not you. You did the right thing protecting yourself and your child. You are probably will feel shaky, emotional upset. Your adrenaline would have been shooting so high and coming back down can make you feel like this. But your abuser is the problem not you! I hope you have a support network around you in real life x

PrrrplePineapple · 15/09/2023 08:41

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 02:32

Your first sentence is not appropriate nor constructive. "Hysteria" has been used by men to devalue and ignore women's opinions for centuries. The OP is entitled to be confused and frightened. There will much psychological abuse for her to unpack the effects of. Abusers make you blame yourself, it's how they get away with abusing.

If you had started with your second sentence, your post would be brilliant.

Show quote history

This.

LakieLady · 15/09/2023 08:44

So sorry this has happened to you, OP. But you MUST leave him, or get him removed from the home and prevented from returning.

If you haven't got the strength to do it for your own sake, do it for your child's sake. Witnessing DV is traumatic and can have lifelong implications for a child's mental health. I know 2 young people (not from the same family) who have been diagnosed with PTSD because of witnessing DV.

Hopefully, your abuser (for that is what he is) will be released with a bail condition prohibiting him from returning to your home. This will give you the time to see a solicitor and start proceedings for a non-molestation order. Women's Aid can advise, and Legal Aid is still available for domestic violence matters.

You must protect your child, and yourself.

Neolara · 15/09/2023 08:44

This really isn't remotely your fault. It's all on your DH. So sorry you had to go through that.

Duckingella · 15/09/2023 08:47

Your marriage is over;his fault not yours.

I can absolutely understand why you don't want things to end;you love him.

Unfortunately loving someone isn't a reason to accept abuse in a relationship;you owe it to yourself and your son to be safe.

You now need to be thinking of next steps here.

Not to scare you but it's likely you'll receive a visit from social services;this is because the police's policy is to inform them if children are present in domestic violence incidents like yours;SS will want to make sure you and your son are safe;accept any help they offer.

Call women's aid/a local domestic violence organisation for help and advice.

If you can;make a appointment with a solicitor.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

LaffTaff · 15/09/2023 09:00

You 100% did the right thing. Take all the support you can, and make this the first step in your life free of this man.

AbbeyGailsParty · 15/09/2023 09:02

He’s been violent in the past when drunk, he’s been violent in the present when drunk, he’ll be violent in the future when drunk.
He could have killed you. He could have injured your son, he’s certainly traumatised him.
Let the police take action. Call Woman’s Aid for support and plan your separation from this abusive man.

Get support for yourself today, you did nothing wrong, he did everything wrong.

cupofdecaf · 15/09/2023 09:03

So he knows he gets violent when he's drunk but he still chooses to drink?
Alcohol is more important to him than your safety then.
What kind of partner do you want you son to be? What example do you want to set him?
You need to separate for your safety and you sons. Growing up in a violent household is incredibly damaging for children.
The fact he was being violent when he knew the police were listening shows what little control he had. The police will help you/ refer you to help so use that help, find your anger at what he's done to you, what he's done to your son.

SocialLite · 15/09/2023 09:06

You have done the right thing!

As you have a safety plan in place, there's a good chance that you already have social services involvement or at least have in the past. Get in front of this by calling them straight away, tell them that you want their help rather than waiting for them to come to you with concerns and it will help greatly in the long run as you won't have to prove yourself as much.

Work with them, try not to be scared, let them and the police help you be free

HowcanIhelp123 · 15/09/2023 09:07

You haven't ruined your family, he has. The family you thought you had didn't exist because he is abusive. And he knows he is abusive, especially when drunk, and he chose to drink anyway. Any person truly sorry, that hates how they get when they're drunk wouldn't drink, they wouldn't put you (or your son!) at risk.

A normal person wouldn't get violent at the police being called. They'd wait and ask them what they've done that's wrong. He was in a place predisposed to violence, if it wasn't the call to the police it would be something else that set him off. Thank god it was the police so they were already on their way!

Right now it's you he attacks. And he's done damage. What if it was 10 years down the line and your son takes a teenage attitude with him while he's drunk? Talks back? You think he's going to sit there and act like a reasonable parent? No, he's going to attack your son.

Your son has already witnessed him attacking you. He didn't care he was in the room. He could have thrown you onto him and hurt him, or thrown him out the way and hurt him while he's trying to help you. Are those the memories you want your son to have? Make the statement, get yourself and son out of there, find the strength to do it for your sons sake if you can't for your own. Do the freedom programme.

AutumnSalad · 15/09/2023 09:09

I think it can sometimes be helpful to take yourself out of the equation and think about your son.

Your son was being abused, any abuse on you is also abuse on him which is now much better recognised by the police and social workers.

You have a duty of care to protect your son. Anything else you are feeling is understandable but social services should follow this up and they will want to be hearing from you that you are not putting your son in a situation where he could be abused. Which is why phoning the police was 100% the right thing to do, and you stuck by the plan which is very, very good.

Phoning the police is a way of DE Escalating the situation, so in a way it’s a bit scary your partner was increasing his violence whilst you were de escalating this - think what could have happened if you had not.

TrainedByCats · 15/09/2023 09:12

Scienceadvisory · 15/09/2023 01:10

You haven't destroyed anything. Your violent pig of a husband has. Tonight he has abused both you and your child. Please find the strength to leave him. He will keep doing this.

Edited

First reply nails it.

You know the pattern, next time will be worse. You should not have to try and get sober him to agree to written plans to try and protect yourself. Your son shouldn’t grow up in fear.

I totally I understand your trepidation about going it alone. Contact your local women's aid charity for support. There are other charities that help victims of domestic violence get set up on their own.

I’m glad the police say they are going to pursue a case even if you don’t support it, this is an indication of how bad that call must have been.

RedPony1 · 15/09/2023 09:13

CampsieGlamper · 15/09/2023 08:22

I would hope anyone who voted yabu would mean you are being unreasonable for fearing you are the cause of his asshole behaviour and any repercussions of him being a fucktard.

Correct, that's what i voted and what i meant

Lovemusic82 · 15/09/2023 09:18

You have a ‘safety plan’ for when your husband is drunk?
FFS wake up, you need to protect your son, you are setting your ds up for a life time of mental health issues and putting him at risk from harm. Put your ds first and never allow this man in the house again. You have taken the first step by calling the police, don’t allow him back in the house.

Devonnum12345 · 15/09/2023 09:18

OP, I’m so sorry something so horrific has happened to you. And it is horrific. You’ve absolutely done the right thing for both yourself and your little boy.
Im sorry I can’t add to the useful information many more well informed and experienced posters have already shared on this thread but just wanted to send you a huge virtual hug 💐

Endnow · 15/09/2023 09:19

Your better off leaving / telling him to go .
You will only mess your little ones childhood up .
He may promise to never hurt you again but don’t believe him .
He is abusive and will always find a way to abuse - be it physical or mental .
x

Sureaseggs44 · 15/09/2023 09:19

Do not have this man in your life . Get help . You and your child deserve better.

Original poster

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 09:24

Good morning so I managed to get a couple of hours sleep. I am still absolutely exhausted. I haven’t heard anything from anybody yet. The police officer said that they will keep in for at least 24 hours so I can try and get a plan in place of what I’m going to do my dad lives about 200 miles away, so me and my children are going to go there, thank you so much for all of the lovely comments supporting me I understand that in some instances I can be blamed for this but I just don’t think that they’re appropriate or necessary right now when I’m trying my hardest to leave this relationship we’ve been together for 10 years it’s not like it’s just a quick thing and the abuse that happened was a couple of years ago and he was drinking a lot and he hasn’t drunk since then apart from yesterday I’m not in anyway defending him what he’s done but we did have a lot of work done with the family and things were different like I said For a couple of years until this incident happened yesterday I’m not sure why he went and got drunk We’ve asked for support a couple of weeks ago because we were arguing and bickering a lot and we still haven’t heard anything so the police officer said that she’s going to push for them to get in touch today to try and give us some support. As per my previous post, yeah like I said we’ve been arguing quite a lot with a lot going on in the family which are hard on both of us and he’s obviously taken a strain and led to him to go and get drunk. I gave a full statement last night and I won’t be dropping the statement. I just feel very numb this morning we have two other children that were asleep and they don’t have a clue what’s going on to be honest they just keep asking when there Dad is coming home but I’m just going to pack some stuff up today and then go and stay with my dad hopefully that can clear my head and make me think about what I want to do in the future

OP posts:

FarmGirl78 · 15/09/2023 09:25

Question for you OP...

Which one of you was unreasonable and escalated the situation?

A) You by calling the Police to get rid of him and keep you and your child safe? (And possibly even alive)

B) Him by punching you, pulling your hair out, hitting you in the face with a phone, causing you physical injuries and screaming at you in front of your terrified child?

You know you can't allow this to continue.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 15/09/2023 09:26

@Muminneedofadvice23 you're not to blame for any of this and anyone suggesting otherwise is an abuse apologist who can get to fuck. You are doing the right thing, you deserve support, you deserve to be free and you deserve to live your life in safety. Maybe make a new post on the relationships board, it’s a much kinder place to be. Wishing you all the best

User63847439572 · 15/09/2023 09:30

You did the right thing.
His reaction is not within your control or your responsibility. Put your kids first now and do not get back with him.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9