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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have rang the police

208 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:06

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 12:50

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 15/09/2023 12:25

Well done OP - you are showing amazing strength and character.

Never forget that he nearly killed you. I'm sure that he is not always such a terrible man and that he has many amazing qualities. However he will never be one you are safe around. Such violence tends to escalate each time. He has no control when drunk and angry. You can't be his control.

If you had the most amazing car (a thing of speed and beauty and luxury and joy) but despite all the care and maintanence , occasionally and unexpectedly its brakes would fail, you wouldn't drive in that car and wouldn't trust it enough to take your children in it. Don't try to re-trust your DP.

Edited

I am stealing that car analogy. It's brilliant.

JMKid · 15/09/2023 12:55

DO NOT ALLOW HIM BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE!! You have a plan for when he drinks because he is abusive, this is unbelievable. If you are not going to put yourself 1st by leaving him, then put your son 1st and do it for him!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 12:56

Why are you staying with an abusive alcoholic? He may not have his drinking under control. but what is your reason for remaining in this relationship?

Please read the OP's updates, she has left him. This kind of question is best addressed in therapy once the OP is safe. I know you are trying to help but this comes across as victim-blaming.

cestlavielife · 15/09/2023 12:58

Goid.
He might finally learn the consequences of his actions
You did the right thing to protect you and dc from further harm

Calistano · 15/09/2023 13:02

Glad you can get away and have some time and normality to come to terms with everything. You have tried your hardest and he still went and drank, when he knew how abusive he could be. Have a lovely rest and lick your wounds. This is a start of a new chapter for you.

Namechange666 · 15/09/2023 13:04

Please please op I'm begging you leave him. If not for you then your child.

Namechange666 · 15/09/2023 13:06

I've caught up on your replies. Thank goodness going to your dad's. Don't take him back, no matter what he pleads. I was horrified reading it then seeing your picture you poor thing.

EggInANest · 15/09/2023 13:16

You have had a shocking and frightening night OP, of course you are upset.

But I think you need to take a deep breath and look at the bigger picture.

Your H was drunk, aggressive and out of control, and as well as hitting you and yanking out your hair he could have accidentally hit or pushed or crushed your poor Ds in the crossfire. What kind of husband and father continues to attack a woman when his tiny son is screaming in terror?

You Ds witnessed this. How will he grow up? Learning to ignore his fear of having seen his Dad be so violent?

You tried. You gave him a chance and set up a system. He was out of control.

He is out of control with his drinking, out of control with his anger and aggression and violence.

Honestly? You have no ‘family’ with this man.

Your life will honestly be so much better without him

Freedom Programme / Women’s Aid, local groups for single mums and victims of DV are there for you. And MN

Escalateandcreate · 15/09/2023 13:17

Well done on taking steps today OP. Don’t ever doubt yourself.

EggInANest · 15/09/2023 13:24

Sorry OP, missed your updates.

None if this is your fault, at all.

Well done on speaking with WA and going to your Dad’s.

Maybe speak to your older kids. There is no way they would have slept through everyone screaming, police arriving etc. They need to know that they will be safe, will go back to school, and also that their Dad is safe but not allowed to see you or be at the house, but they will be able to see him in the future if they want.

Cucucucu · 15/09/2023 13:53

I would be more worried with what SS will say when you knowingly allow a violent partner to stay with your children . You seem to think his behaviour is ok up to a point ? But none of what you think it’s ok is actually acceptable when you are a mother ? Why do you think it’s ok to stay with a violent person that has a drinking problem ?
instead if worrying about him , put your children first , because if you don’t someone will step in to do it for you .

MyGuineaPigIsInnocent41 · 15/09/2023 13:54

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 15/09/2023 02:25

Being drunk is no excuse for treating people like this!
He has made you false promises and needs to be made accountable, if not, his drinking behaviour will be worse.

This. With bells and knobs on and sugar on top!

MyGuineaPigIsInnocent41 · 15/09/2023 13:57

Can I just say that you may both need some sort of trauma based therapy or counselling for this? I was like your son, I hated witnessing my father laying into my mother and no one ever stopped it. And yes I'm in therapy for CPTSD decades later. I also believe that my diagnosis of BPD/EUPD may have been linked to the trauma I experienced. I'm not trying to scare you, your son may be mentally well but he needs to be able to talk to someone and so do you.

Sending much love . It's worth checking out The Freedom Programme.

Cornishclio · 15/09/2023 14:01

Please don't let him back into your lives. He is an abusive drunk and always will be. Your children need to know you will protect them and this man is evil.

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 14:12

This reply has been withdrawn

OP, we have withdrawn this as it contains sensitive info.

Original poster
Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 14:17

Cucucucu · 15/09/2023 13:53

I would be more worried with what SS will say when you knowingly allow a violent partner to stay with your children . You seem to think his behaviour is ok up to a point ? But none of what you think it’s ok is actually acceptable when you are a mother ? Why do you think it’s ok to stay with a violent person that has a drinking problem ?
instead if worrying about him , put your children first , because if you don’t someone will step in to do it for you .

Hold on a second-
my husband had issues years ago which were dealt with by social services after his dad died he went off the rails and couldn’t deal with things at all and he hurt me which until yesterday I thought he fully regretted and changed we did courses and got fully discharged by ss with a safety plan in place in case he was drunk- it isn’t a regular occurrence and he hasn’t drank for a very long time. I have given my head a wobble and I understand that I can no longer be with this man that I have been with since being at school and I am heartbroken but I will ALWAYS put my children first hence calling the police in the first place! As a women or even a human why are you making comments like this victim blaming when I am clearly a mess at the moment? I understand what’s happened I have given a statement and I have cooperated fully with services! How dare you make me feel bad as a mum

OP posts:
MagentaRocks · 15/09/2023 14:22

Cucucucu · 15/09/2023 13:53

I would be more worried with what SS will say when you knowingly allow a violent partner to stay with your children . You seem to think his behaviour is ok up to a point ? But none of what you think it’s ok is actually acceptable when you are a mother ? Why do you think it’s ok to stay with a violent person that has a drinking problem ?
instead if worrying about him , put your children first , because if you don’t someone will step in to do it for you .

You are completely out of order. The OP called the police and is making steps to get out of the relationship. Women that suffer domestic abuse are often made to feel they are at fault. You are not helping that. The OP has come here for support, she does not need this type of comment.

Mandoidi · 15/09/2023 14:25

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 14:17

Hold on a second-
my husband had issues years ago which were dealt with by social services after his dad died he went off the rails and couldn’t deal with things at all and he hurt me which until yesterday I thought he fully regretted and changed we did courses and got fully discharged by ss with a safety plan in place in case he was drunk- it isn’t a regular occurrence and he hasn’t drank for a very long time. I have given my head a wobble and I understand that I can no longer be with this man that I have been with since being at school and I am heartbroken but I will ALWAYS put my children first hence calling the police in the first place! As a women or even a human why are you making comments like this victim blaming when I am clearly a mess at the moment? I understand what’s happened I have given a statement and I have cooperated fully with services! How dare you make me feel bad as a mum

Show quote history

I'm so glad you said this.
I tried to write it with subtlety before but i guess it needs to be plainer for some.

Anyone bringing up the past arrangements and critiqueing them should stop before they post.

Its judgey, drama-laden, gossipy, victim blaming and has no value here. AT ALL.

OP I have the most respect for you, you are amazing and hope for the very best for you.

How anyone can have any thing less than empathy/sympathy for this lady in her time of need is beyond me.

MyGuineaPigIsInnocent41 · 15/09/2023 14:28

MagentaRocks · 15/09/2023 14:22

You are completely out of order. The OP called the police and is making steps to get out of the relationship. Women that suffer domestic abuse are often made to feel they are at fault. You are not helping that. The OP has come here for support, she does not need this type of comment.

Show quote history

This. Please @Cucucucu don't put blame on the OP. I did often feel a lot of anger at my own mother for staying and not protecting us, but the OP has taken steps to remove herself and son from the situation. I have come to feel compassion for those trapped in abusive marriages. A little empathy goes a long way.

Op, I'm so glad you are somewhere safe now. It isn't easy. Proud of you, even though we don't know each other at all.

felisha54 · 15/09/2023 14:38

Well done op for doing the right thing and calling the police. I hope you have a restful few days at your dads and hopefully the relevant services provide the support you need.

Nicole1111 · 15/09/2023 14:44

You’re doing amazing handling all this! It also looks like all the people who are there to support you are working well and taking this seriously.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2023 14:46

You are doing brilliantly OP. Well done.

Cucucucu · 15/09/2023 14:54

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 14:17

Hold on a second-
my husband had issues years ago which were dealt with by social services after his dad died he went off the rails and couldn’t deal with things at all and he hurt me which until yesterday I thought he fully regretted and changed we did courses and got fully discharged by ss with a safety plan in place in case he was drunk- it isn’t a regular occurrence and he hasn’t drank for a very long time. I have given my head a wobble and I understand that I can no longer be with this man that I have been with since being at school and I am heartbroken but I will ALWAYS put my children first hence calling the police in the first place! As a women or even a human why are you making comments like this victim blaming when I am clearly a mess at the moment? I understand what’s happened I have given a statement and I have cooperated fully with services! How dare you make me feel bad as a mum

Show quote history

If that’s the case then I apologise OP . Please do not let him back with you . You and your children deserve better , so much better .

honeylulu · 15/09/2023 14:55

Bloody hell OP. You poor thing. You absolutely did the right thing.

You haven't ruined your family. He did that himself. Remember that.

Don't waver! Keep him gone.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/09/2023 15:59

I don’t think I’ve ever read anymore more tragic than a woman who has to have a ‘safety plan’ in place for her and her young children when her partner goes on a random bender, in order to avoid his inevitable violence towards them. And for that woman to then feel guilty and blame herself when his appalling actions force her to implement it. Just, truly, awful.