To have rang the police

[Muminneedofadvice23]

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

If your son was hit by another adult (when he’s grown up) would you say your son ruined the relationship? Would it be your sons fault the other person lost their temper and hurt your son?

I sometimes find taking yourself out the equation and applying the same situation to someone your love (friends / family) helps me.

Its not your fault

Your update came through while I was typing. OP, I'm so pleased you've realised it wasn't you being unreasonable and that this isn't acceptable from him under any circumstances. Be brave, be strong, have little moments where you feel sorry for yourself and sob, hug your children and reassure them, and go to where people live you. Xx

You need to divorce this man for your ds's sake if nothing else.

A trip to your dads sounds like a great idea. And the police sound really supportive too keeping him in for as long as possible.

Gather up all the paperwork you can find - you can go through it slowly when you have space and time. But you might need it.

Take any medications you all need.

Any of their favourite snacks for the journey and a drink

Any electrics, tablets, phones, xbox. Make sure you take all the chargers and cables.

PJs, socks and underpants, spare clothes. Books for the kids. Favourite teddies. Bottles they drink out of.

Toothbrushes, skincare.

Coats.

OP, @Muminneedofadvice23 , strong and protective Mum,

Safe journey, make sure you take all official documents with you, passports, birth certificates etc.

You know what you have to do and I wish you every grain of empowerment.

X

Take any cash in the house too. Any passports or rental agreements etc.

Just take it and if you don't need it - or he asks for it you can copy it. But don't decide what's important now, take stuff just in case.

Make sure you have log in info for benefits, universal credit etc. Take the laptop if the info is on there.

There’s no excuse for violence. It doesn’t matter that you argued or were having a hard time.
Protect your children, they don’t have a choice but you do.
wishing you all the best OP, I promise you and your kids will be so much better off without him X

Well done OP.
Going to your dads will be the best thing for you and the kids.

Give the school a ring when you have time and just explain what’s happened and that they won’t be in school for a week or 2.

Once you’re at your dads then you can figure things out and decide what you want the future to look like.

Just take it one step at a time and that first step is taking your kids down your dads.

Your ex is a very nasty man who obviously doesn’t like you and if you hadn’t rang the police it’s worrying how far he would have taken things.

I understand letting the first time slide as abusive relationships aren’t black and white but you had a lucky escape this time and it’s so important that you never be in a house alone with him again.
You do not need support to work through the arguing because he is past that now.

You have to remember that he doesn’t like you and he wants to harm you mentally and physically.

I’m sorry you went through this but nothing makes me happier than seeing a parent putting their kids first and removing them from an abusive situation.
Remember that seeing DV is child abuse.
So not only is he abusive towards you, he’s also abusive to his kids.

What an absolute cunt.

You poor thing and your poor son. I really hope you get the support you need. Please leave him, he will never change, you need to leave forever for your son. God some men are just awful.

I think you are brave to call the police. Many times I couldn't when in similar situation because of blaming myself. From past experience his behaviour will only get worse. Each time will be another step to threaten or hurt you. He did all this while your son was with you. Be even braver and leave this monster. Trust me if you don't you'll be putting up with a lot more and damaging your son. Children don't even need to to see the violence to pick up from the atmosphere or how scared you feel. You are brave and can do this. Plan for it if not ready today. Big hugs

This!!

It's time to get out of this situation for your son and yourself. Next time it could be worse and the police won't be quick enough. If my partner ever laid a hand on me he would never see me and his children again.

You poor thing, you absolutely did the right thing in calling the police but now you need to follow through and separate from him and start divorce proceedings. There is nothing on earth that you could have done to cause/deserve this treatment - it is all on him. You now need to put your children first and foremost and get them away from him, he is not a good father and there is no going back.

Don’t be surprised if you are contacted by social services, they will want to make sure that the children are safe and that you are taking steps to remove yourself from your husband. Listen to what they say, they are there to help, and for god’s sake don’t try and get back together with him in any way shape or form.

I'm glad you are going to your Dad OP.

I'm concerned by your reference to 'support'. I'm afraid no amount of 'support' will fix this. Please don't 'wait' for that to come along and wave a magic wand. Leaving is going to be a slog but it's your only sensible option. You have a violent and abusive DH. It doesn't matter whether it's daily, monthly or annually.

You have been ridiculously accommodating and one day you will look back and not believe you were in a marriage that required a 'safety plan'.

You did the right thing.
Besides the helpful practical advice people are giving about leaving, that's all you need to know.

The future matters now and you are a strong wonderful mum. I am so glad you have sorted out a stay with your dad. I wish you all the best; sending strength and love x

@GoryBory "Just take it one step at a time and that first step is taking your kids down your dads."

100% what I was thinking, it doesn't matter how long each step takes.

Step 1, in my opinion is to feel safe and separate yourself from the trauma you and your son experienced last night.

The politics of what led your family to this point, are for now, not a priority.

Sending strength beautiful lady 🦋

X

OP, why are you going 200 miles away? You need to stay in your home, and make sure he doesn't return home. Please don't up-end your childrens' lives. You shouldn't be the one to leave.

Is that you in the photo? Sorry I don’t wanna be rude at all but I thought that was a child? Sorry if it’s been said I can’t read the whole lot it’s too much.

Dont get back with him he’s awful, he’s done this not you.

She needs some support and time to recover, her dad is an ideal person to go to.

OP I've been in your situation and I know how hard it is. It is so easy from the outside but if he hasn't been drinking, or only drinking moderately, it is easy to think it is all sorted. The truth is he is possibly an alcoholic and even if he is dry he will always be an alcoholic and there is always the risk he will drink again, some pressure some problems something can put him over the edge.

I'm so glad the police are going to pursue this, it is out of your hands so you go and recover with your children. This might be the thing that turns him around but always remember the drink is a big temptation for people with that weakness. My regret is I didn't do it sooner, I think that is a common reaction.

I hope you get a good sleep tonight and tomorrow will be the start of better times.

It doesn’t need to be a permanent thing but she’s just got a head full right now and just needs to get away for a bit.

He will be out of police custody soon and will probably go straight back to his home which is going to end up in him either being aggressive or trying to guilt trip OP and the kids.

They need to go away from it until he’s moved out or she’s moved somewhere new.

I completely agree!

You’ve don’t the right thing by you and your kids. One of the key things social services will be concerned about is can you keep him out and protect the children from living in this environment, by calling the police you’ve shown absolute intent to do that.

as this happened before, has social services been involved before? Was there any requirements associated with him being in the house?

Absolutely not your fault in any way OP!

he made the choice to get drunk and assault you, run, take your children & go. You can do this ❤️

You and your husband don’t need support. That makes it sound like you’re going to work on things together and resolve it and eventually take him back.

You need support to leave your husband for your and your childrens sake.

Your husband needs support (from someone who isn’t you) to deal with his anger and drinking issues.

those are two separate things. You should not be with him. He is not your responsibility. Your children are your responsibility. Keep them safe.