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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have rang the police

208 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 15/09/2023 01:06

So me and my husband had an argument at 10 o’clock this morning, he left, and I didn’t hear anything from him all day he returned home at 10 o’clock this evening, very drunk in the past. There has been domestic violence when he has been drinking, so we have an agreement that he doesn’t come to the house when he’s drunk and finds alternative arrangements and then he can come home when he’s sober

Tonight he ignored this agreement He came in fell on the floor, and I asked him to sleep downstairs in our sons room and our son was upstairs with me. He point blank refused and kept pushing, trying to get into the bed with with us both, and I wouldn’t let him get in the bed, so he elbowed me in the leg and then when I got onto the sofa which is in our bedroom while he was laying on the sofa. He proceeded to call me lots of abusive names and just wouldn’t stop so I phone the police to get them to ask him to leave which is in our safety plan from previous and something we both agreed and signed while I was on the phone to the police. He started screaming at me that I was out of order and that he just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that I didn’t feel safe with him being around us when he was that drunk, and I didn’t want him to stay at the house tonight, but he was more than welcome to come home tomorrow. Obviously this at him off into a fit of rage. He grabbed my hair and pulled out a handful of her. He hit my phone off my face. And then hit me four times in my arm while screaming at me and our son next to me screaming also all this time I was on the phone to the police so obviously they came really really quickly he has been arrested and now I just feel like I’ve escalated the situation by ringing the police in the first place to go to sleep, so I’m just sat here in tears its been four hours and I can’t stop crying I’m wondering if I could have done anything or if this really just isn’t my fault I don’t really know what I’m getting on here. Please try and be nice cause I am so upset The police have said whether I give a statement or not because of the 999 call and the hair that was all over my bed and my physical injuries they are going to pursue the case anyway whether I agree or not I just feel like I have destroyed my family

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 15/09/2023 06:32

I hope you managed to get some rest last night.

You absolutely did the right thing. You had a plan. Your husband did not follow that plan and any consequences since he refused are HIS fault. Not yours. You did what you needed to keep yourself and your son safe.

The fact you even had that plan in the first place speaks volumes to me. I hope this is the straw which breaks the camels back. You do not deserve to be physically and verbally abused in that way by a man who cannot control himself. Your son does not deserve to witness this growing up - do not underestimate the impact of this.

As much as you've said you're happy to have him home today, I would rethink this. He will possibly try to minimise his behaviour and make your responsible. You will be walking on eggshells wondering if this is where he doesn't need the drink to react like this, wondering what might tip him into that irrational state next time. Whether you are physically safe with him. Then whether your child is safe in their presence.

For your own safety and peace of mind, I would ask him to permanently stay somewhere else.

ThePix · 15/09/2023 06:36

Having been through this with an ex, thankfully no kids at the time, I learnt they never ever change. All the sorrys the next day and still happened again and again. You have to be incredibly strong and don’t stay with him. It’s going to be hard but you and your son deserve to live better than this. I agree with a poster above that he won’t be allowed to return to your home and you need to make the next steps to make this permanent. YOU did nothing wrong by calling the police and they do have enough evidence to prosecute without your statement but I highly recommend you do.. I didn’t and I refused to give evidence and they did drop the charges on him.. and I found out later that he did the same to his ex and next partner. I could have saved that poor woman after me if I had given evidence.
be strong, don’t let your child witness this ever again x

VaccineSticker · 15/09/2023 06:37

Well done OP! Hope he gets locked up in prison for a long time. What an abusive piece of sh….

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2023 06:38

You need to leave this relationship. This cannot continue. I presume your son was a witness to this. Do you want him to
Grow up thinking this is normal.

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2023 06:40

Seddon · 15/09/2023 02:57

Please, for the sake of your son, never ever live with this man again.

This

Baffled1989 · 15/09/2023 06:44

Poor you, but your son, I just cannot even imagine, you need to leave him, for your sons sake, believe me!

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 15/09/2023 06:45

Glad that you’re safe now. Please, please get rid of this abusive monster now. The safety plan failed last night because of him. It was always going to fail at some point and deep down you know that.

Beware of the love bombing coming your way once he sobers up and realises he needs to do some damage control to get his cushy life back. Do not engage, do not let him home and get some legal advice asap including a child arrangement order to keep your son safe from his dad.

Oh and: YOU HAVE NOT DESTROYED YOUR FAMILY. Your husband’s abusive behaviour did that.

TeeBee · 15/09/2023 06:58

The fact that you need a safety plan to live with that 'man' is chilling in itself. Then take in account that his behaviour (getting so drunk that he completely ignored the safety plan of not entering the house while drunk) forced you to have to call the police (which is the backstop to your pre-agreed safety plan so you've only done what you BOTH agreed) but the fact that he badly assaulted you in front of your poor child and in front of earshot of the police! Where will this 'man' stop?!! He is a violent alcoholic. How the hell is any of this your fault? You were doing what had been agreed. You have already given him way too many chances by the sound of things. I'm sorry, he is never ever going to be the man you need him to be. You really need to get him out before his violence escalates even more (and it will) and he kills one of you. I'm sorry but he really hasn't given you any other choice. If social services hear this, they will take a grim view of your child not being protected from this.

LuluBlakey1 · 15/09/2023 06:58

YANBU at all but you will be very unreasonable if you ever allow this man back into your life again. You are storing up much worse problems by staying with him or continuing any kind of relationship with him.

TookTheBook · 15/09/2023 07:02

This is the final straw and you did the right thing. If you care for your son (who witnessed this and is probably scared), you need to never get back together with to your now ex. Your child needs to see this is the final straw, no more.

OhDoh · 15/09/2023 07:04

You haven't destroyed your family OP your good for nothing husband has. Leave him and go live life with your DS. You needed to call the police for your own protection and your sons.
SS will likely get involved now but it's nothing to worry about as long as you LTB. Neither you or your son deserve to live with an abusive SOB.

this is not your fault.. I'm glad you and your DS are safe x

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 15/09/2023 07:11

LordSalem · 15/09/2023 02:12

I think OP has a right to be hysterical in her posts on here. Shes been attacked in her own home, bedroom even, in front of her young son. She could type any number of frantic panicked posts but she isn't and hasn't. She's not being hysterical in real life, clearly, and obviously that is as a result of protecting her child.
You're feeding into unnecessary drama saying things like that. Give OP a fucking break. She's posting for support, not for some random to put the boot in.

Show quote history

Absolutely.

Be kind to yourself OP. What you did took strength. xx To the people judging. Leaving isn't as easy as writing it.

chosenone · 15/09/2023 07:11

You have done nothing wrong!
You and your son are worth more than this!
Do not let a hungover, whiny man child abusive Pos talk you round.
Do not let him back in the house! The Police can support this.
He can find somewhere else to go. I would only ever consider a reconciliation if he was willing to give up alcohol and moved out for a while why you consider your options etc.
if you let him back after he cries and blames anything other than himself you may as well lie on the floor and let him walk over you.
Social Care will support you but they do not tolerate staying with a violent partner.

billybear · 15/09/2023 07:12

if he behaves like this knowing you are on the phone to police, he deserves all he gets, get rid of him good luck

LouLou198 · 15/09/2023 07:14

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The fact that you have a safety plan suggests you have given him more than enough chances. What a terrifying ordeal for you and your son. Please leave this monster. Flowers

DDivaStar · 15/09/2023 07:15

You shouldn't need a safety plan with your husband. Even so he didn't stick to it, he's a drinker, he'll do whatever he wants when he is drinking. You and your son are no longer safe.

Yes press charges and file for divorce, this will already be emotionally damaging your son. You need to put yourselves first and get away from your husband.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 15/09/2023 07:16

He needed to go, and permanently. You know this deep down. Do you really want 40 more years of this?

Step5678 · 15/09/2023 07:17

OP I am so so sorry this happened to you and to your son. This is not in any way your fault, the blame is all on your abusive husband. You called the police because you could sense it escalating, and you were right. He even assaulted you whilst the police were on the phone so clearly had no control over his behaviour. You and your son deserve better and should be far away from this vile man

canfor · 15/09/2023 07:17

Don't doubt yourself. You didn't do wrong here. So, you called the police? All he had to do was behave like a human being and be able to say 'nothing to see here officer'. If he knows that being drunk makes him violent and out of control he has a personal responsibility not to get drunk.

You 100% did the right thing. Look after you and your child x

breathequietly · 15/09/2023 07:23

canfor · 15/09/2023 07:17

Don't doubt yourself. You didn't do wrong here. So, you called the police? All he had to do was behave like a human being and be able to say 'nothing to see here officer'. If he knows that being drunk makes him violent and out of control he has a personal responsibility not to get drunk.

You 100% did the right thing. Look after you and your child x

THIS!

He could have just said fgs, I just want to sleep, waited patiently for the police and that's it. He assaulted you!

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2023 07:25

Was your daughter there too?

CoffeeLover90 · 15/09/2023 07:26

I'll join the pile on in saying this is not your fault because you can't be told too many times. He's made you think this because he's shifting the blame.
Support the police in their investigation. Give a statement.
Contact women's aid as they'll help you with everything you need to end this abusive marriage.
They can refer you for counselling too, where you'll learn this was not your fault.
Don't be like some of us here please, please don't waste another 10, 20, 30 years in this marriage. It won't get better, in fact if you let him back after this it will get worse. He'll use this as a stick to beat you with, leaving you too scared to call again.
Your son may grow up thinking this I'd normal and go on to do this to someone himself. Or he may try and protect you and get hurt himself.

Not to scare you (if it was mentioned by pp I've missed it) it's standard for police to refer to social services when they attend for domestic violence. It's nothing to worry about, they'll want to make sure you are both OK. But they will be expecting you to keep your son safe, which means not letting that abuser back in the house. They'll help you if you need support.

I hope you manage to get some rest. Most of all I hope you listen to us. Take it one hour at a time. You'll come out the other side, at some point you'll look back on this day and it will feel like you're watching the life of a different person.

You can do this. If not for you, for your son ❤

Uriah · 15/09/2023 07:26

Agree with everyone saying leave the man.

Are social services involved with your family? They will be now. If you want to keep your son, you cannot go near this monster again.

Also you need counselling from a DV charity like Solace.

Please work on your self-esteem. You and your boy deserve better.

JudyGemstone · 15/09/2023 07:29

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
this is not your fault, you have done NOTHING wrong.

a safety plan he signed when sober was obviously meaningless to him when drunk as he’s not rational then and was just focused on his own self and what he wanted without thinking about you.

I wonder if he isn selfish partner generally?

I don’t want to upset you but the standard process is for police to refer to MASH in these situations which is child safeguarding, you will be able to show them you acted protectively which is a huge plus for you.

they might say he can’t return to the home with your son there so be prepared that it might not just be your choice here.

Please call a friend or family member today if you can and don’t suffer alone.

we are all here for you too xxx

allhellcantstopusnow · 15/09/2023 07:31

The police involvement will have gone through to a MASH referral for your child so be prepared for social services to be in contact. They will support you in progressing from here.

You must choose the well-being and safety of your child. Your husband is a risk to both you and your child, be the protective factor in this this and choose your child over your husband (easy to say and easy to think it's the obvious choice but many don't).

That you are hand wringing about "ruining the relationship" when it is you who has been assaulted is concerning. Your husband is the one at fault here, entirely.