to ask all stepparents this question?

[Zellam]

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

I love my 2 DSDs very much but as much as my own DC ? No . If any step parent says otherwise I would be sceptical.

Are you a step parent?

I am

No and I'm not expected to.

Try the book "stepmonster" for more reading

Does that mean that if someone has an adopted child, they cannot love them as much as their biological child?

Absolutely not. Referring only to mixed households of stepchildren and biological children

I would think that most people, if answering honestly, love their own children and tolerate their step children.

I love the absolute bones of my DSC, I am particularly close to one of them who I've been in their life since they were very little, he is one of my very favourite people in the entire world. But the love for my DD is different. Its hard to know how much of that is biological and how much to do with the fact I parent her every day, the DSC primary parent was their DM. I may have felt the level of intensity for them if I lived with them full time for the majority of their life.

I think I'm probably the sort of stepparent who, if anyone would, would say yes. I've been in DSCs life for as long as they can remember, am very involved. Love them to pieces.

But no, of course I don't love them in the same way I love my own DC. And I wouldn't expect DSC loves me like their own mum either.

Absolutely not

They're ok, but I love my own children more than I love anything on this planet

Probably not a fair comparison as my stepsons were mid/late teens when I met their dad, and they have never lived with me. But I’d say: no.

Of course not. Couldn't live anyone else's children like my own.

*love

If she lived here full time, I think I'd love her like my own. Her mother has made it very difficult to form an attachment with her. She has been in my life from being a baby, but she doesn't appear to have a secure attachment despite my efforts.
So no, it isn't the same bond and love as my biological children, but I don't think it needs to be as she doesn't live here full time.

Honestly when I was a sm I barely managed to tolerate my dsc I won't lie.. My now dh however has real love for my dc and our joint dc . Never any difference in how he is with them. Guess it's different for different people...

My dad came into my mum's life when my sister was two. Her dad has never been part of her life even though he lives a few streets away. Teen parents but no bad blood.

My dad has always treated us the same and has said before he forgets that she isn't biologically his except on those rare occasions when someone else mentions it.

His actions and words have always shown that he loves us equally

no.

the relationship is very different. I don’t think you can see anyone one or two days a week and have the same depth of relationship as someone you live with full time.

my own kids I make all their decisions, my day to day revolves around getting them where the need to be, meals, sports, hobbies.

tbh I have the same relationship with stepdc as I do with some of dc’s mates who come round a couple of times a week. I make sure they’re ok, if they need anything, but I don’t make any parenting decisions.

I’m not sure it’s even biology- if they lived with us full time and/or didn’t have their own mum I am sure the relationship would develop.

I feel for dh sometimes. He does his absolute best but he feels like they have grown away from him. Putting your child to bed every night, taking them to school every day, finding common interests, watching to together is a whole other ball game to seeing them fri and sat.

I have DSD, DS and DD.
Without a shadow of a doubt I love DS and DD more. Nowt wrong with that. They’re my kids.
I care deeply about DSD, she is a wonderful child, my partners child.
I would happily chuck DP in front of a bus for all of them.

You want to claim that we might be programmed to love only our own biological children for a discussion about stepchildren, but you’re shying away from people saying what does their mean for adoptees - cos you realise it will make you look an arsehole?

I don't love my stepchildren (not married) anywhere near as much as my own dc - they came as a package deal but there was so much bitterness and toxicity from their mum which prevented our relationship from becoming a loving one. They're pleasant enough kids (now, boy did we all have our moments) and we are very friendly but nope, the love just isn't there.

I didn't plan them, I didn't yearn for them, when their dad and I got together they were fully established humans in someone else's mould, not mine.

I am 100% sure my dp feels the same about my dc, and that's completely OK with me.

Presumably that’s something the parents of adoptees would be able to answer.

A lot of people wouldn’t love an adopted child as much as their own biological one, so they wouldn’t adopt.

I love DSD more than DS. I think it’s because I never tried to parent her - she had her parents for that and I became a cool aunty type figure. I’m the one she invites to parties and who she isn’t ashamed to introduce to her friends, and I’m also the first one she comes to when she has a problem. I think it’s different when you have a stepdaughter and an only son. The feelings fit.

I love dsd very much. She's been in my life for 25 years, since she was 3. She's made me a grandmother and I love my dgd. I love my dc in a different way though. I'm not sure if that would be different if dsd didn't have a perfectly good, involved mum. I'm not her parent, I helped to raise her alongside her parents but, ultimately, I didn't have the same feeling of responsibility that I had for my own dc and I think that makes a difference.
We have a wonderful, loving, close relationship and she's a fabulous mum, daughter and big sister. I love her more like a favourite niece or a much younger sister. Not less exactly, just differently.

My dh (with no prompting) has always said he love's our three children equally (1 bio) but he has pretty much raised them with me (dad pretty absent) so I think being a full time sp is probably different to being a part time one.