Page 8 | to ask all stepparents this question?

Wowokthanks · 15/09/2023 23:20

I asked my DH this a few days ago, his answer was.
"For a long time I believed that the only child I would have is DD, we bonded, and I loved her, even more for the fact that we made that bond despite me not being her real Dad. Having (sons name) could never change the relationship that we've had. I feel a sense of protection towards her, that I don't feel for (youngest) because she had a waster in her life who decided to walk out without a backwards glance, when she should have been his everything. I couldn't just move her into second place because (son) has now been born."
If anything he loves her more seeing her be a really loving big sister to pur youngest.

I don't think that our situation is all that common tbh, but they had 12 years to form a bond before the youngest was born, and she's overcome a lot of hard feelings since his birth to be a really loving, caring sister. It also means we see less of the grumpy teenager she is, because she just turns to mush around her brother... its a nice reminder of how understanding she is, despite hating us and being embarrassed of us a lot of the time.

AutumnSalad · 15/09/2023 23:25

I think you need to ask - do children love their step parents as much as their own?

On the whole - NO. And why should they? They already have parents.

Sometimes, if they've had the step parents from very young, or a very absent parent or over a long period time, there is another kind of love.

So why on earth would a step parent put that kind of pressure on their step child - to have a reciprocal love as much as a parent - when they already have one which can cause loyalty conflict and confusion?

Now step parents should be EQUALLY fair to all children in the house, in terms of things like respect, bedrooms and give their step kids dignity by not treating them lesser. But lesser doesn't mean love, it's fairness and respect.

thunderlump · 15/09/2023 23:30

No

Boydd · 15/09/2023 23:55

do I love them more than my ds probably not but do I like them more yes 100%. My stepchildren are lovely adults who bring joy to my life everyday. My 2 ds are spoilt adults who if I wasn’t related to I would cross the road to avoid. However my dh even though he is their stepdad makes allowances for them but doesn’t do the same for his bio children even though they are both the nicest people I know

Beadyeyes91 · 16/09/2023 00:03

I'm a step parent with a son of my own also and I can say the love is different hands down.

CoParents · 16/09/2023 00:29

AutumnSalad · 15/09/2023 23:25

I think you need to ask - do children love their step parents as much as their own?

On the whole - NO. And why should they? They already have parents.

Sometimes, if they've had the step parents from very young, or a very absent parent or over a long period time, there is another kind of love.

So why on earth would a step parent put that kind of pressure on their step child - to have a reciprocal love as much as a parent - when they already have one which can cause loyalty conflict and confusion?

Now step parents should be EQUALLY fair to all children in the house, in terms of things like respect, bedrooms and give their step kids dignity by not treating them lesser. But lesser doesn't mean love, it's fairness and respect.

Personally I feel that children are capable of loving multiple caregivers and don’t feel such a need to compare / rank their love; they also seem altogether less obsessed with the idea of “biology” in my experience , but that’s just my view.

Mamasperspective · 16/09/2023 04:12

No. You can absolutely treat them the same and make them feel secure and equal but doesn't mean you feel the same deep down.

Cocomelon2391 · 16/09/2023 05:19

I have 2 children in my house
my bio dc and SDC

I hand in heart love them 100 percent the same. I could not imagine my life without either of them and I feel equally as proud of them both.
DSC - has lived with me from a baby though

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 08:32

Personally I feel that children are capable of loving multiple caregivers and don’t feel such a need to compare / rank their love; they also seem altogether less obsessed with the idea of “biology” in my experience , but that’s just my view.

Nah, most kids who have a step mum they see EOW do not view her exactly the same as their mum and love her as much. They might not rank them but the reality of their feelings is the same.

And really considering whether you thought that was a reasonable expectation should highlight why it is daft to expect the same from step parents.

CoParents · 16/09/2023 08:38

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 08:32

Personally I feel that children are capable of loving multiple caregivers and don’t feel such a need to compare / rank their love; they also seem altogether less obsessed with the idea of “biology” in my experience , but that’s just my view.

Nah, most kids who have a step mum they see EOW do not view her exactly the same as their mum and love her as much. They might not rank them but the reality of their feelings is the same.

And really considering whether you thought that was a reasonable expectation should highlight why it is daft to expect the same from step parents.

Nah, most kids who have a step mum they see EOW do not view her exactly the same as their mum and love her as much

No I expect not! I certainly didn’t mean to suggest this was true of all, even the vast majority, of step children / families (I highly doubt it is).
Obviously it’s about the quality of the relationship, and time spent together is a factor in that.

AuntMarch · 16/09/2023 08:42

DelilahJane · 14/09/2023 21:43

My dad came into my mum's life when my sister was two. Her dad has never been part of her life even though he lives a few streets away. Teen parents but no bad blood.

My dad has always treated us the same and has said before he forgets that she isn't biologically his except on those rare occasions when someone else mentions it.

His actions and words have always shown that he loves us equally

Similar here, but I am your sister in this situation. My (step)dad forgets to the point he asked "how's he avoided [strong family trait he and my brother have]?!" when I had a son. I just looked at him blankly until it clicked, it took a while too!

webster1987 · 16/09/2023 08:53

No. And I don't believe anyone that says otherwise! I don't believe we, as step parents, should be expected to.

R2G · 16/09/2023 09:01

My steps have mum and a dad bringing them up and loving them plus all family. My son has me. I love my son and care deeply for my step sons and support my husband and he supports me. If their mum was dead or something I would love them as my own but I'm not required to and it's not helpful.

MavisBeacon1234 · 16/09/2023 11:08

Zellam · 14/09/2023 21:30

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

I don't have any bio children but I don't love my SS as I would my own. It's more like a DN love

okaybutyousnapped · 17/09/2023 23:21

Possible but definitely not unusual not to. I don't personally, but I absolutely love my stepchild, no doubt about it. They're family just as much as my own.