to ask all stepparents this question?

[Zellam]

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

With all due respect, I am claiming absolutely nothing at all. I am remaining purposefully curious and neutral as I am genuinely interested in what people have to say. There is also nothing unnatural in my wondering. I simply do not feel parents of adoptees necessarily fit into this discussion as it would tap into another (not less important) area of parenting.Everyone here who has anonymously opened up about loving their own more than their stepchildren would also look like arseholes if they were to share such a thing to other people - do you realise that?

I know my husband loves his step-children. He'd do anything for them. I've never asked if he loves them the same as our son but I don't expect him too.

I agree with the posters ago are saying that claiming you can't possible love a step child as much as a biological one surely must think the same about adopted children.

Would love an explanation of how it's different?

My DH has helped raised my daughter since she was 2.5, he absolutely loves her as much as if she was his (biologically or adopted). Being a step parent in some situations is no different than adopting a child.

Obviously there are other scenarios, e.g. becoming a step parent to teens or being very hands off in terming of parenting, etc

Adoption is not at all like stepparenting unless you adopt your stepchildren

How unnecessarily rude. "There's always one"? It is a fair question. An adopted child and a step child are not biologically YOUR child. So can someone who adopts, love that child as much as their biological child? What is wrong with the question? It seems an obvious one to me. I have only one child and no step children or adopted children. So cannot comment from experience.

I don’t think the comparison with adoption is fair. I presume the difference with an adopted child is that they are (most usually) desperately wanted. That deep want for a child then transfers to the same love most people for a bio child. Whereas stepchildren generally just sort of come with the package of the partner you want to be with and you make the best you can - sometimes caring for and loving them a lot if they’re easy kids, or barely tolerating them if they’re little cunts.

Have I misunderstood your first comment "there's always one". To me, that devalues anything else you have said. Maybe you can explain to me how that phrase offered anything constructive to the discussion?

I think it’s different because stepchildren are generally not there all the time and they also have another parent. Plus if you aren’t around during the attachment years I think it’s even harder.

my grandma feels a strong bond to my kids because they spent a lot of time with her as babies and toddlers. She doesn’t feel the same bond to my sisters kids who she hardly saw due to them living far away.

No I don’t love them as my own , my step children came in my life aged 14 and 18 . I do however love them very much and treat them as my own when they are with me . They have a mother too so I wouldn’t dare trying that role . If they came to me young and without a maternal role figure then I think I would love them just the same . Biology means very little to me

I love my step daughter but no, not in the same way or as much as I love my son. In exactly the same way I know she loves me but not as much or in the same way as she loves her mum. And I think that’s absolutely fine.

I met dp's kids once both his and mine were over 18 but one of his and one of mine live with us and we treat them equally, yes its different to bio kids but in my case that because i didn't bring them up, but still care for them deeply

I have two SS. I have raised them far more than their mother. I have one daughter from my first marriage. My now husband adopted her and he is def her daddy. The boys both call me mum ( I was not encouraging it , just happened.) I love the one as my own (he is 34 years old now and a married man with a child) The other. I love. I do. I just do not like him. He was always a difficult child and I never showed it (I hope) But since becoming an adult (now 31) he has been lazy and rude and has been so very hurtful to his dad that my "like" for him has diminished greatly. If god forbid my husband passes before me , I will make sure that in my will (as he is now) that he gets the same share as his sister and brother, but I don't know that I can ever get over how horribly he has treated his father. His brother and sister are also very low contact with him due to this. He is now living at his mothers basement and refusing to work. I do not understand this at all as his brother and sister have amazing work ethics and have a very close relationship with themselves and their partners and children. When I say I raised them more, my husband was resident parent and all childhood their mother put her social life above them. She saw them about once every six weeks. I did all the school runs, cooked all their meals, took them to appointments and sports. They are my boys, but yes, I like one more than the other even while loving them both

Very interesting and so lovely to hear! Do you think, on some level, you LIKE your DSD better and LOVE your DS more? Not at ALL assuming here(!!!!), just genuinely curious, and please do not feel obliged to answer. I'm sure you're letting it be known exactly how it is. My question is based on a discussion about this on a forum.

Nope. It was not "goady". And several other posters have commented in a similar vein, as it seems an obvious comparison to make. It was my immediate thought when I read the thread, and clearly the same thought occurred to multiple other posters.

I don't know any step parent that loves their step child as much as their biological child.

I do but I have a fairly unique situation. I have been there since he was 14 months. He has always had minimal contact with his mother and none at all for the last 8 years. He is now 12.

He calls me mummy, I do everything a mummy does. I have been there for a lot of his firsts, his Dr's appointments, his school events.

He is the one who made me a mum.

The only thing I would say is something in me hormonally changed after having a biological child. But that hormonal change affected the way I am with both of them. It's hard to explain, but I became more maternal, my morals and opinions on many things changed.

They are both my children and I love them the same. I chose to be his mum. Many people don't even realise that he isn't biologically mine unless something comes up that means I explain our situation.

I don’t because I have boundaries, I’m not a mum rival. They have a mum who loves them and has a unique bond which I respect. They know I care for them as family, and I love them as family. But I’m not mum and I think it would mess with their heads to deal with that competition growing up.

Oh come on, this is a nonsense!

With an adopted child, you have actively sought to voluntarily become a parent to this child, in the absence of other parents.

With a stepchild, you have actively chosen to be in a relationship with a partner who happens to have a child. You therefore decide to become a stepparent based on your relationship with the adult partner, and in most cases the child already has two parents.

An adoption is nothing like the situation of a biological child and a stepchild.

In addition, there is a sex-based difference. Being pregnant for 40 weeks and (possibly) breastfeeding etc does create a distinctive bond separate to the bond of a child not born of your body.

Also, stepchildren can join your family from babyhood to young adulthood, and that makes a massive difference.

I think it completely depends on if you’re the primary stepmum/stepdad to the DSC and they live with you full time so you are their only parent figure, or if there’s another parent in a different household as well.