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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask all stepparents this question?

190 replies

Zellam · 14/09/2023 21:30

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:13

00deed1988 · 14/09/2023 22:06

I do but I have a fairly unique situation. I have been there since he was 14 months. He has always had minimal contact with his mother and none at all for the last 8 years. He is now 12.

He calls me mummy, I do everything a mummy does. I have been there for a lot of his firsts, his Dr's appointments, his school events.

He is the one who made me a mum.

The only thing I would say is something in me hormonally changed after having a biological child. But that hormonal change affected the way I am with both of them. It's hard to explain, but I became more maternal, my morals and opinions on many things changed.

They are both my children and I love them the same. I chose to be his mum. Many people don't even realise that he isn't biologically mine unless something comes up that means I explain our situation.

Heartwarming. He is very lucky to have you xx

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 14/09/2023 22:13

No, not even close.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 14/09/2023 22:14

Agreed, i love them definitely but it's not the same.

m00rfarm · 14/09/2023 22:15

GolgafrinchamB · 14/09/2023 22:11

Oh come on, this is a nonsense!

With an adopted child, you have actively sought to voluntarily become a parent to this child, in the absence of other parents.

With a stepchild, you have actively chosen to be in a relationship with a partner who happens to have a child. You therefore decide to become a stepparent based on your relationship with the adult partner, and in most cases the child already has two parents.

An adoption is nothing like the situation of a biological child and a stepchild.

In addition, there is a sex-based difference. Being pregnant for 40 weeks and (possibly) breastfeeding etc does create a distinctive bond separate to the bond of a child not born of your body.

Also, stepchildren can join your family from babyhood to young adulthood, and that makes a massive difference.

Show quote history

I understand the difference between having step children and adopting. The question was, is there a difference - meaning that being a biological parent COULD be the same as an adopted parent feelings wise. And in which case, is it purely an age thing, because you can adopt the child as a baby. But it is also possible to have step children who are babies as well. Is it down to the fact that you may not be allowed to parent the step child, whereas you CAN parent an adopted child? I was more interested in the reasons why they are all different. Without the sarky comments preceding the response.

Thepollonator · 14/09/2023 22:16

I absolutely love my step daughter but not in the way that I love my own two (grown up) sons, it's different but still love!

nonamesavailable123 · 14/09/2023 22:18

@notlucreziaborgia I have an adopted child and 2 biological children. I can confirm I love them all equally. I rarely remember I didn't carry her in my womb and would take a bullet for her in an instant. There is absolutely no difference.

Milkkbottles · 14/09/2023 22:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

m00rfarm · 14/09/2023 22:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Actually I don't. I have one child. I can not even imagine what it is like to have two children. How you could possibly love them both the same. Surely you would love one more than the other. I don't know the answer to that, as I have not experienced it. I always loved one of my parents more than the other. So no - I do NOT "clearly know the answer".

michalwave · 14/09/2023 22:24

I imagine an adopted child is very different to a step-child you don’t parent.

As far as I can see there is no difference in the love my aunt and uncle have for their adopted dc than others with bio kids. If anything, my cousin who was adopted seems closer to them than the bio kids are with their bio parents. The adopted dc attachment is so secure that the birth mother comes to stay every few years.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 14/09/2023 22:25

I love my DSS, now. I’ve been in his life 10 years, since he was 6, and it’s taken me that long to really like him and love him. He’s a delightful human being.

My DS, and my DGS, though, I adore beyond all reason. My DH likes them and seems genuinely to enjoy DGS, but I have no expectations that he loves them.

Dramatic · 14/09/2023 22:26

m00rfarm · 14/09/2023 22:05

Nope. It was not "goady". And several other posters have commented in a similar vein, as it seems an obvious comparison to make. It was my immediate thought when I read the thread, and clearly the same thought occurred to multiple other posters.

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Of course it was goady.

m00rfarm · 14/09/2023 22:27

Dramatic · 14/09/2023 22:26

Of course it was goady.

Show quote history

🙄

Milkkbottles · 14/09/2023 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Original poster
Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:28

nonamesavailable123 · 14/09/2023 22:18

@notlucreziaborgia I have an adopted child and 2 biological children. I can confirm I love them all equally. I rarely remember I didn't carry her in my womb and would take a bullet for her in an instant. There is absolutely no difference.

Very wonderful to hear and not at all surprising, @notlucreziaborgia , you are all 3's mum entirely. I also think it's a completely different area of parenting and I don't think it needs addressing in this post.

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 14/09/2023 22:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

I love it when posters tell me what I am thinking.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 14/09/2023 22:29

Testina · 14/09/2023 21:45

You want to claim that we might be programmed to love only our own biological children for a discussion about stepchildren, but you’re shying away from people saying what does their mean for adoptees - cos you realise it will make you look an arsehole?

Show quote history

I don't think that's true. Or fair to the OP. People choose to adopt their children. The child is number one in the process. Becoming a step parent is entirely different. You don't choose your step child, you choose your partner and the child comes as part of that package.

Smoky1107 · 14/09/2023 22:29

No. I don't love her at all. But there's a huge back story to that statement. She's treated fairly and kindly but I dont love her

Loverofoxbowlakes · 14/09/2023 22:30

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/09/2023 22:01

I don’t think the comparison with adoption is fair. I presume the difference with an adopted child is that they are (most usually) desperately wanted. That deep want for a child then transfers to the same love most people for a bio child. Whereas stepchildren generally just sort of come with the package of the partner you want to be with and you make the best you can - sometimes caring for and loving them a lot if they’re easy kids, or barely tolerating them if they’re little cunts.

Exactly this.

Nobody yearns to be a step-parent. Or at least nobody I know.

Adoptive parents yearn for years to have their own child - often through an infertility journey, vast expense and heartbreak. And adopted children are usually quite young, so there is lots of time to care, support, nurture and love them. Hell, when I became a parent to dc (bio) I remember feeling like I was broken for not feeling that gush of love as soon as ds popped out.

Lots can go wrong in the relationship between bio and adopted kids, but that all-consuming love is sometimes the only thing that endures and prevents parents from killing wayward teens.

Acquiring a step-kid with usually a fuck-tonne of baggage, including hostility from their other parent, is a completely different thankless task, with little reward. It's a completely different ball game.

Milkkbottles · 14/09/2023 22:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Greycatclub · 14/09/2023 22:38

Nope

insideoutandupsidedown · 14/09/2023 22:40

The adoption question is not remotely comparable.

A mother who adopts makes an active decision to bring up a child who may have no biological link to them and goes through an exacting and emotional assessment process. The adopter wants that child/children. If the adopter is successful then she is legal recognised as that child's mother. Not a stepmother with no legal responsibility or recognition as a parent.

An adopted child is your child. They can't be removed if your relationship with the father breaks down. It is both your legal responsibility and your right to parent them how you see fit. To make decisions on their upbringing, behaviour, education, etc. they are your child. There is no 'other mother' who can contradict or disagree with your views on their upbringing. (As that is the place of a mother).

Step mothers rarely have any of those things. They are the child's fathers wife . Therefore the emotional tie will be much different to that of a biological or adopted child.

Original poster
Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:41

I wonder why it is so shameful not to love your stepchildren as much/deeply as your own. I saw a post of a mum who adored her stepson but once giving birth to her biological child felt guilty for unexpectedly not loving both equally and regretting becoming a stepparent because of this imbalance. 60% said she was being unreasonable, which does not align with what I'm finding here. I thought it was incredibly judgemental of voters, but it's a hard one for sure.

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 14/09/2023 22:42

Yes I do, I’ve raised her with DH since she was two and I love her like she is my own. But I accept that this isn’t the mumsnet norm.

Midnightafternoons · 14/09/2023 22:43

Coffeepot72 · 14/09/2023 21:40

I would think that most people, if answering honestly, love their own children and tolerate their step children.

Agree. I love my children more than anything. I much prefer the weekends when it's just me, my husband and our shared children rather than when my stepchild is here. And no, I've never treated him every differently when he is with us, it's just how I honestly feel.

michalwave · 14/09/2023 22:44

Why is the thread getting derailed with a bunfight?

OP’s post did unfortunately refer to people being programmed to love children because of biological nurture elements.

Posters could have asked if she was including adopted children as bio children instead of asking are adopted children not loved.

Better words could have been chosen by all but it’s not worth a bunfight.