to ask all stepparents this question?

[Zellam]

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

I'm sure it is for some people like a niece and nephew.

But there are plenty of step parents who would say they don't even love their step children at all. I don't, not really. I like them and I'm kind and friendly and do what's needed but I don't really feel like I love them, I'd not be upset if me and my husband split up and I never saw them again for instance.

Yes, but she entered my life when she was only 2. At the time, I believed I couldn’t have my own children and maybe that helped? I did eventually have a bio child, but Dsd is also my daughter and I love them equally, truly. I feel blessed to have my bonus daughter and wish I had more.

My own stepmother is a bitch who actively strove to drive a wedge between me and my dad, so growing up hating her also probably contributed to my own choices.

Absolutely not. I will be honest and i am not sure i even like them very much. ( this is mutual) They both cried and made at scene when we got married, telling my kids they didn't want us to marry and trying their best to ruin the day. I was very upset about this.

Their mother is the main reason tbh, her behaviours and selfish and her unreasonable approach to shared parent life is a drain on mine. My money and time gets taken up because she is so demanding , lazy and nasty. It's hard to like anyone in this situation ( she also has told them she refuses to be in a room with me etc so that's not helpful)

I also see how they treat their dad, who tries so so hard to be the best he can, sacrificing almost everything to see them. They don't care. They are lazy and when they are here ( after he has driven an unreasonable distance because their mum refuses to share drop offs) they just stare at their phone or ipad or talk about how wonderful their mum is and their other house it etc.

I know people will hate this, but you asked for honesty and the truth is, my life would be lots better without them in it, i didn't want any more kids. They bring no joy or benefit, they bring drama and stress. Even when they are here, it doesn't make their dad ( or them seemingly) happy, so what is really the point?

I think there are a lot of people in our situations doing what they believe the be the 'right thing' but without the care or enjoyment of it.

The issue of biology is an interesting one. And actually I would imagine that a lot of adoptive parents do love biological children more than adopted ones. But it is such a taboo to say that. And I think that might prevent some adoptive parents from asking for help when they are having problems, because they don't want to be judged as a monster for not automatically loving these children, and so they limp on until things improve or, in more cases than people might realise, the adoption fails.

I haven't adopted but I am a foster carer to two children who have been with me for several years. In that time I, unexpectedly, had a birth child. Before I had her I would have said I loved my foster children as if they were my birth children. Then I had her and it became clear to me that I don't. I care deeply for them and I hope to always be in their lives in some way, but I don't love them like I love my daughter, and I actually found myself feeling a bit resentful of them in the early days, when I had to get my sleeping baby up to take them to school, and leave her crying in the pram while I tied shoelaces, found PE bags etc.

That could be because they were already children when they came to me and, had I raised them from babyhood, I could very well have loved them just as deeply as my birth child.

I would be very sceptical of anyone who said they did.

Mind you-my brother has a stepchild who ended up living with him full time from the age of 4 because of her mother's abuse. She's 34 now and I suspect that, if tortured, he would admit she's his favorite child...

I used to be a stepparent. And no I never loved my dsc as much as my own dc.

Biology did play a huge part, but so did the logistics of life. Dsc had their own mum who they spent half of the week with. A mum they loved like my children love me. So it never occurred to me that it was my job to love dsc like my own. Dsc didn’t need or even want that from me.
I was kind to dsc and fond of them. And brought a lot of stability in to their life that they wouldn’t have had with their dad if I wasn’t around because my ex was and is useless. So I played a massive role in dsc’s childhood. But I never loved them like I love my own.

Tough question. I once desperately wished they didnt exist. Im now very close with the eldest, not in a motherly sense, more like a big sister (which sounds odd I guess but my little brother is 14 years younger than me so in terms of age difference, I guess thats the only relationship I can liken it to). I love him to bits, hes a great kid. I dont love him like a mum but I dont feel the need to, we have a great bond.

The youngest... Oh god. Im awful but no, I about tolerate him for the majority of the time. Sometimes fond, mostly grin and bear it, other times I just have to be away from him. He has additional needs which make him... I guess just a lot harder work, which in itself isnt an issue, but means he has no off button, zero emotional awareness, is constantly acting the fool for attention and thats all fine when you are in a good place and can mentally understand its the issue rather than him, but when its constant, god it just grates, its exhausting. He's a walking mouthpiece for his mum, not deliberately, but if shes said it, he's gonna come and tell us. We'll ask him why what hes said was even relevant to tell us and he doesnt know, its just basically word vomit. No one will have said anything at all for the last few minutes and he'll just blurt out "Mum told brother off last week for him accidentally calling her "my name" and said it was a disgusting thing to call her". Just out of nowhere, so constantly having these little bombs dropped in when we all just having a perfectly nice time. When told I miscarried, and both were asked if they had any questions for us, youngest instantly sparked up with "I bet it was weird carrying around a dead baby inside you, hurhurhur".

Im due my own next year (all being well this time) and I worry that it will highlight the issues with youngest SS further. Hes not going to take the baby having attention well. Last time he spent time with my much younger niece, someone commented on not realising how big kids are getting until they are around other younger kids, and he started crawling around on the floor saying he was still the baby.

In saying that, I'd never let any harm come to him. But I dont think I'll ever love him anything like my own.

No. I love her more like I do my niece/nephew. I think that's the best way to describe how I feel about her.

I think it depends how much time you spend together. If the mum is no longer on the seen, and your partner is the full time parent so you also become the full time parent, it's very different then if you only see your step dc EOW, and are very much in "dads new wife" territory.
I would expect my stepdc to love me the same as she does her mother, and so I don't think it's right to think I should love her the same as my own children. We are all only human at the end of the day

Men are not more loving than women. I think they probably take the question less seriously and just say "yeah sure", but the main reason it is more common for men to view their SC the same as their own is because they are usually living with them near to or completely full time, which is not the case for most step mothers. They/their partners would not stay in the situation if they were not all in emotionally, it wouldn't be enjoyable for anyone involved.

To answer your question OP - no not in the slightest. I wouldn't actually go so far as to say I love him at all; much like with my MIL, who not only do I not love as much as my own mum, I wouldn't actually say I "love" her, though I get on with her fine.

Take it you have your own? Do you find it hard then to not feel love for him and having him around so often? I think I would find it hard if I had the same relationship with both of them that I do with the youngest, I think having such a nice relationship with the eldest is what gets me through really, and hoping that when eldest stops being interested in sleeping over because he has his own life, that youngest will stop bothering too.

Take it you have your own? Do you find it hard then to not feel love for him and having him around so often? I think I would find it hard if I had the same relationship with both of them that I do with the youngest, I think having such a nice relationship with the eldest is what gets me through really, and hoping that when eldest stops being interested in sleeping over because he has his own life, that youngest will stop bothering too.

Yes I have my own. I do find it hard sometimes, because I find a lot of his behaviour really frustrating. I don't think I would if I just didn't feel the love but his behaviour was easy to deal with - I often imagine how I would feel if it was a different child whose disposition I just liked better, but it's luck of the draw really what kind of kid you get and I got one that I am not naturally inclined to enjoy the company of, the older he gets.

But it's EOW - in truth, if it was more than that, I'd have bailed by how. Hence why I never understand why people are surprised that the more committed, loving step parents are the ones that have to live with them full time and have made the decision to stick around.

It’s not the same though.
My simple answer is no I don’t. But I truly don’t believe it’s biological. My step child is not my child, whereas an adopted child is. We were actually the rp of dss (adult now) but I never felt like he was mine. He had a mother and a whole maternal family. I didn’t get to make big decisions for him, I questioned everything and everything was questioned. I felt judged in a way that I never have with my own. Felt I always had to justify everything such as discipline etc. I honestly feel I could have hit my own children (for the record I wouldn’t hit a child) and people would have went poor you they must have pushed you over the edge, but if I looked wrong at dss I was the evil stepmother. Now I know some of that was probably in my head but not all of it. I didn’t have any legal rights and would have lost him if dp and I had split. Dp got to pull rank ans it was his child. So did his mum despite her very limited time with him. I was putting my time, money and resources into him, annd frankly it was thankless. And then there’s the fact that it’s a child dp had with an ex partner. Not the biggest issue but it is one. Who wants reminders of exes.
I don’t believe stepparents love the children the same in most cases, some just hide it better. I do think it’s often easier for stepfathers to do, or if the other parent is deceased or completely absent and you are parenting as an equal parent but i don’t know. What I have realised with hindsight is that dss wasn’t the issue, it was dp, bm, extended family, society and probably my own mind. I wouldn’t do it again though.
Now I believe, though can’t possibly know, that I could love an adopted child as my own. It would actually be interesting to do a thread on this for people who have adopted and biological children.

No I don't love my step kids like my own. I did meet them when they were teenagers though so could be different if I met them when they were younger and had more of a bond.

Frankly I suspect that a lot more fathers than we’d like to think about don’t really love their own children, let alone anyone else’s children: just look at how many shit fathers there are who show little to no interest in and do little to no parenting when they live in the family unit, and then fuck off to be barely heard from again once the relationship with their children’s mother ends.

A lot of men’s relationship with children is through the woman they’re with at the time. I suspect that’s partly why they seem to be able to attach to stepchildren (that and, as you say, they just do the “yeah sure I love my SC” without much thought.)

Frankly I suspect that a lot more fathers than we’d like to think about don’t really love their own children, let alone anyone else’s children: just look at how many shit fathers there are who show little to no interest in and do little to no parenting when they live in the family unit, and then fuck off to be barely heard from again once the relationship with their children’s mother ends.

Yeah I suspect there's probably truth in that - or at least a lot of men who love their kids less than their mum does and are less involved, making it an easier feeling to replicate for other people's kids.

Yeah I think thats the same for me with the youngest. Its awful but he's really just not my people at all and its getting no better. The eldest is so much like his dad in temperament that I guess he just fits in to us, the youngest just isnt the same and his dad will admit on rare occasions that he knows how difficult he is, but also has a lot of guilt for feeling that way.

Like you say, could be worse. EOW and holidays. And only 6 years to go.

Adopting is a different situation to being a step-parent, though. Adoptive parents have actively chosen to adopt a child as theirs, and the child effectively has no other parents. It's a proactive decision that entails a huge amount of thought and effort and the active desire to be that child's only parents.

That is a very, very different thing from falling in love with someone who happens to have a child, and then having to be in a parental role to that child - particularly if (as is the case in most situations) that child also has a biological mum/dad who is still very much on the scene.

My friend has one biological son, and then when he was about six, her and her husband adopted their second son, who was then a young toddler. I am 100% confident that she definitely loves both her sons in the same way. She is their mother and she loves them as a mother.

However, if she and her husband were to divorce and she was to remarry a man who had a child who came to stay 50% of the time, I don't think she would necessarily love that the child in the same way that she loves her adopted son, because she would not see herself as the child's mother and the child would not see her as their mum. I've no doubt that she'd be an absolutely brilliant stepmum regardless and would be 100% fair and warm and lovely. But I don't the gut feeling of maternal love would be the same.

In fairness, I think that can also happen with people's own kids. I think plenty of parents, even though they love all their children equally, don't necessarily like them all in the same way. I think a lot of parents don't find all their children equally easy to get along with, and would enjoy spending time with one more than another, just because of personality clashes etc.

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard That's just it isn't it. I think my DPs niece is fantastic, I can imagine actively looking forward to seeing her EOW and loving her - though not as much as my own - but alas I was not so lucky.

You’re a rancid old cunt. I don’t understand why you would put a child through that.

I mean, if you are gonna chuck out statements like that, I'd be reconsidering who is actually rancid here.

You’re an incel interloper. Off you pop.