to ask all stepparents this question?

[Zellam]

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

This does seem cruel

Love my child to ends of the earth. Step child not the same way.

Its different with adopted, i would see them as bio.
The thing with step is your half in half out. There is that block and boundary that your not allowed to be considered mum at all, they have a present mum they love and your not allowed to be involved with any decisions, you just do the care.
In adoption, you are their mum, its the same time with them, boundaries and living for them as a bio child. They are your child.

If I'm being completely honest, when a poster states that they love their SSC exactly like their own, my first thought is that I feel sad for their children that they are not that special to their own mother.
Of all the children in the world who aren't mine, my DSC is absolutely the most important, the one I care about most, worry about, the one I go out of my way for, the one whose happiness and wellbeing is of most interest to me. She is in a special category all of her own.
My own children are on another stratosphere though, any comparison is a joke.
I've never understood posters who argue that it's wrong for a mother to love her own children more than anyone else in the world. I've also never understood why it seems it's only the SM who is expect to pretend a DSC is their own - the child and their actual parents apparently are not expected to view the SM as an equal mother, which makes the whole pantomime an unbalanced farce IMO.

It also seems to be shameful to love them as much as your own.

Step parenting is such an extreme from becoming a full time carer to a baby where other bio parent isn t in the picture, to meeting someone when their children are adults or being with someone who sees their children infrequently. And everything in between.

Obviously your relationship with stepchildren will depend on when you met them, how often you see them/ whether they live with your partner, how much other parent is involved . Wether parenting styles align. If there is any animosity between co parents.

My dh came into my dd life when they were very young, we raised them together with little input from their dad. And they were teens when we had a child together. So dh had had years of a strong relationship with dd before his ds was born. So Obviously his relationship is going to be different to someone who sees step kids eow or there's issues with the other parent which impacts on child's behaviour. Or if you choose to be with a Disney dad.

As long as you are doing your best and not screwing your stepkids up we all need to accept that there will be different degrees of relationship and that is ok and stop comparing.

What I find interesting is that the overwhelming majority of women have come on here to say they don't love their step children/ or not as much as their own children. However those posting about their partners seem to all be saying that their partners DO love their step children (the woman's biological children).

One poster even had the two views in one post. She said she could barely tolerate her own SC but her husband loved her biological children as his own!

Either men are just much more loving than women, they are lying about it to their partners, or women are just refusing to see what is in front of them 🤷‍♀️

I think it also speaks to some double standards. Women think it's fine and normal to not love their step children but want all the significant adults in their own children's lives (including their partner) to love them

I've not seen many posts saying 'DH puts up with/tolerates my DC and that's ok'.

I did notice that too. I wonder if it’s because there are more expectations that women should provide childcare for step-children whereas men generally aren’t expected to do this for their step-children in the same way.

It's a no from me but she was nearly a adult when we meet. She also doesn't see me as a step mum. My partner is a lot older than me but I do love all my grandchildren the same as I've known them all their lives.

Just to add, I do love DSD and have a fantastic relationship with her, often going out for day and doing loads of fun things so sort of like a friend. She's only 14 years younger than me

I studied psychology OP and yes it is assumed you are programmed to love your biological children more.

Not only biological children but also others more closely related to you.

I do. I don’t refer to him as DSS and haven’t for many years.

That said we’ve been in each others lives since he was 4. His Mummy died when he was a toddler. He asked me to be his Mum when he was 10.

I think it being an everyday thing, rather than an EOW thing makes a massive difference.

I know DH found it harder because when he started to love my two girls like his own he felt like he was betraying DS somehow. That took a bit of working through for him.

I don't. The way I feel about DSS is very similar to the way I feel about my nephews. I adore them and enjoy helping their parents bring them up. I think the main reason for that is that they have two parents, and I am very much aware I'm an added extra. I notice that most of the people saying they truly love their DSC like their own also mention that Mum is not involved much or at all. That would also explain why it is so different with adopted DC where you are the parent and 100% responsible for them, rather than helping their actual parents bring them up.

I think a lot to do with that is the fact that so many stepfathers live full time with their DSC.

My exes wife could barely hide her dislike of my children when she was with him. He could jolly along the atmosphere EOW or once a month. Living like that full time would be very different, and most women wouldn’t accept it as ok full time.

You need an explanation as to how its different? Really?

In some scenarios there may be similarities I.e. the other bio parent is dead and therefore the step parent fills that role but in a large amount of blended families the children still have two bio parents who are involved and there are a tonne of issues that are potentially different due to that. With adopted children you ARE their mum/dad. Everything they require from a parent you provide and as such, I imagine a bond develops in the same way (or can do) as your own children. I don't simply love my son because he came out of my body. I love him for a variety of reasons, including the fact that I am his caregiver, he needs me ect. My step children do not because they have a mum.

Adoption and step parenting have their own individual hurdles, it's ridiculous and ingenious to try and compare them as if there's no difference (typically).

the last bit cracked me up sorry!

To answer the OP, no I do not love my step children in any way the same as my DC. And because I don't have the same unconditional love for them I admittedly do find them harder to be around, less patience, look forward to the times they aren't here ect.

I am always a bit sceptical of those posters on here who insist their husbands or partners love their older children as much as their children together because really how would you know? It tends to be men typically who love all of these children "like their own" and I do think there is something to be said about a man's typical role in child rearing and how easy he then finds it to love (or appear to love) step children like his own. I mean tbf I'd probably find it easier to come across that way too if all was expected of me in order to do so was act like a typical bloke. I'm sure lots of posters will say their husbands are the main caregivers, do EVERYTHING for their stepchildren ect but in reality we all know its typically the women who do the house and childcare and I can't imagine that being any different in blended families.

The amount of threads on here I see of women being expected to become a nanny to her stepchildren and actually being berated by other women for not doing so is ridiculous. So yeah I can imagine there are far more step mothers who don't love their step kids than step dad's. But let's not pretend the expectations for both are typically the same.

I'm yet to see a post from a mother who says she met a bloke and then dumped her kids from a previous relationship on him constantly and merely "helped where she could" with her own children. Yet its a weekly thread here about a stepmum.

Men walk away from their own biological kids everyday, at a rate far, far higher than women, so I’d think carefully about that what that tells you.

No of course I don't! I haven't raised them, I see them 2 days a week plus holidays and they have a mum who is perfectly positioned to love them more than anything in the world. All that's expected of me is to be kind to them, be fond of them and support their father in raising them as much as he asks me to.
It's completely different to adoption where you're the parent, not step parent and you're actively cultivating an attachment relationship which if all goes well will lead to the same bond you would have with a birth child. Step parents usually aren't expected or required to do any such thing (excepting those who are raising the children full time and taking the parental role)

Yes I think it’s the pressure and expectations put on step mums compared to step dads that makes a big difference here. Also from my own experience and knowing other step parents, you often hear about how nasty and spiteful bio mums can be towards step
mums but I don’t hear about bio dads being the same towards step dads….

I know someone who claims she loves her 2 adult stepdaughters and 2 stepson (both from previous relationships ) as much as her own DD.
I can't imagine that at all especially as she doesn't and hasn't ever lived with any of them full-time and apart from the youngest, hasn't been there through their childhoods.
With the youngest her partner has always persuaded her to play the mummy role from day 1 because he hates his ex. Feel sorry for the kid involved when dad is making mothers day dedications to his partner of 5 years but who doesn't live with them and only sees them of a weekend. Very odd when said kid already has a mum.

OP’s post did unfortunately refer to people being programmed to love children because of biological nurture elements.

Because it is factually correct. It would be silly to suggest biology has nothing to do with the love we feel for our children. Of course it does. On an primal, hormonal instinctual level we are "programmed" to nurture our own genes.

That's not to say there is no other way to feel that though. Actively seeking out a child, being their main caregiver and mother also develops a bond, one I'm sure can be to the same "level" as a biological parent and child. But I do think adoption has its own hurdles and is likely not something just anyone could do.

No I met them when they were entering teens and a v different dynamic.

Care alot about all 3 of them, even if 1 quite clearly does not like me much.

I have taken the aunt role and we generally have a balanced dynamic with the old blip. It works for us.

What you are asking is a common statement on the SM forum by angry SMs - yet have never seen someone actally say it. I care for my SKs like I do my own - same rules, food bondaries in this house. i treat them as I want my DCs treated.

Dh and I were both widowed and we have a blend with each of our own biological DC plus a DC of our own.

Do I feel the same about my DSD? No. It isn't the same. But I do love her. And our bond grows over time. And that will have to be enough.

Might be 'easier' for us as there are no other parents involved. But of course the bereavements are by no means easy.

I've always wondered this;is it more like love for a niece/nephew?

I would happily lay my life down for my niece and nephew ,not sure if women would for their stepchildren.