to ask all stepparents this question?

[Zellam]

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

Who is this even to?

You seem nice

I'd like to add the point of view of a step child I love my step Dad, he's done a lot for me and loved me and raised me as a dad (my own went to prison and disappeared).
I don't think he loves me the same as his bio children, I'm fine with that, we love each other and I cherish our relationship for what it is ❤️

Wholesome ❤️

Beautiful. And I feel the same about both my step parents. I dont expect biological love from them but I do know they both love me and I them.

No I don't and I don't think I I should be expected to..

I know you didn't want answers from non biological parents but my version again is slightly different.
I don't have children of my own but have been a step parent for ten years to three children who lost their mum long before I met their dad. They were still children when I met them and I love them as much as I could possibly love anyone. With a fierceness that I didn't realise I had. Differently to what others have posted. They don't think of me as a mum but definitely think of me as a parent. They have a mum, she isn't here so it is mine and my DP job to keep her memory alive and make her still a vital part of their lives. They love me, there is no doubt but their mum will always be their mum and there will be no substitute.

I'm going to come with another point of view here...

My sister isn't my dads biological child. Her dad was involved and still is very involved. We are now both grown up and have children. He always referred to my sister has his oldest daughter and still does, her child his referred to as his grandchild. Since I can remember, my sister has always been the favourite child to him and now her child is his favourite grandchild. Since I can remember, I've always felt a lump of sadness and resentment watching her be loved unconditionally by her dad and my dad and it made me feel I wasn't good enough as logically speaking he should have loved me more because I was his only child. Now I feel that sadness watching my child play second fiddle. I'm not sure if these feelings are reasonable and I've never said so aloud, but I've always had a lump of jealously over the situation. If my own Dad can love another child more than me... what's wrong with me?

I find that heartbreaking to read. What does your mum say about it? Is your sister even aware of it?

No their mother has made it so difficult to have any sort of positive relationships. My husband sees them alone as I refuse to expose myself to the vitriol and hostility. Even though we met 5 years after they split she refused to let the kids come over. By the time they chose to come over she had done so much damage to all of us that we just accept this kind of truce state that we are now in.

I'm a Foster Carer and have cared for our Foster Son since he was 5. He's now 17 and yes, I do love him just as much as my own 3 DC. He gets exactly the same value birthday and Xmas gifts and far more of my time as my DC are now adults. He will get the same help With a house deposit when he is older and when we die he will inherit from us equally too. To me he is a bonus son. My DH doesn't have any DC of his own but has said he regards my DC and Foster Son as his DC too.

I love my stepson and treat him exactly the same as my own. Do I love him the same? No. I think that's partly because although I know he loves me, he has a mum who he loves more and is more influenced by than me. So we can never have that same relationship as I have with my own children because to them I am their most important adult. To my SS I am not.

I love my stepchildren but not as much as my own.

This OP.

And no I don't.

I am a step parent. I do not love my step kids like I love my own, it’s not even in the same ball point. If me and DH split up, I’d wish them well and hope they had a happy life but I’d quite happily never see them again (I’d help to maintain sibling relations but personally myself I’d not be seeking contact).

Do I believe some steps parents can love their SC like their own. Yes.

do I think people can love adopted children like their biological children. Yes.

But is it more common for step parents to have a stronger bond with their own. Of course.

The reason people are asking the question is there’s all sorts of references to “biological” in your first post. Adopting a child and step parenting may be completely different in essential ways, but there was some implication in your OP that it is specifically the biological connection that shapes the deeper love (as was also stated all over the thread that has inspired this one) that is why people are asking about adoption.

The reason people are asking the question is there’s all sorts of references to “biological” in your first post. Adopting a child and step parenting may be completely different in essential ways, but there was some implication in your OP that it is specifically the biological connection that shapes the deeper love (as was also stated all over the thread that has inspired this one) that is why people are asking about adoption.

I don't think this generally is what people like OP are implying. They say "biological children" purely to differentiate between them and SC, and it is misconstrued and jumped upon as a comment about all non biological relationships.

She also writes :

”but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc”. So it’s not just to distinguish the two. There are also a number of other posters on this thread and the other who have declared the love can’t possibly be the same because of “biology” and “nature”.

This post is clearly about a step mums love for her step child vs. the love for her own child, biological or not.

Why does this whole forum have to spin everything out of context in order to achieve offendedness.

Sorry but it does get my back up when people liken step parenting to adopting/fostering a child. It is NOT the same. You have full parental autonomy for the child you have chosen to care for. Step parents are dealt the shitty end of the stick - if you try to parent you are overstepping, if you don’t parent then you are not doing enough. It’s not a comparison.

What about households with stepchildren and adopted children?

Of course not. Doesn't even come close

Adopted children would be your own children and so I would of course love to hear from such households as well. I simply meant earlier that the discussion of adopted children vs biological children is another discussion in itself and not appropriate for this thread.

As I said earlier in the thread, my DSis has a DSS, 2 bio DC and an adopted DS. Although she genuinely loves them all the same, she is respectful of the fact that she isn’t her DSS’s mum, as he has a mum. (He calls her by her first name.) Whereas she is her adopted DS’s mum. (In the same way that I’m my adopted DDs’ mum.)

You really can’t compare the two, it’s an entirely different relationship.

I agree with this comment. I would also add that having a vulnerable child wholly dependent on you for their needs is what makes the bond form, and this applies to both biological and adopted children but not step children.