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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask all stepparents this question?

190 replies

Zellam · 14/09/2023 21:30

Based on recent posts regarding stepparenting and many (in my opinion) judgemental responses, I am VERY curious about this, and please answer as honestly as possible: Do you love your stepchildren as much as your own?This question is targetted to parents of stepchildren and biological children, of course. I know it seems weird to be asking this and I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but it's very interesting to consider if we are perhaps programmed to love 'our' children more due to biological nurture elements etc. I am sure you can love your stepchildren very deeply indeed; but would you always have love that goes deeper for your own, I wonder.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:44

adviceneeded1990 · 14/09/2023 22:42

Yes I do, I’ve raised her with DH since she was two and I love her like she is my own. But I accept that this isn’t the mumsnet norm.

Norm or not, I hope we can all agree this is absolutely amazing and she is lucky to have you. How long have you been her stepmum?

OP posts:
Milkkbottles · 14/09/2023 22:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

michalwave · 14/09/2023 22:47

Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:41

I wonder why it is so shameful not to love your stepchildren as much/deeply as your own. I saw a post of a mum who adored her stepson but once giving birth to her biological child felt guilty for unexpectedly not loving both equally and regretting becoming a stepparent because of this imbalance. 60% said she was being unreasonable, which does not align with what I'm finding here. I thought it was incredibly judgemental of voters, but it's a hard one for sure.

I saw that thread. I don’t think OP was unreasonable and I blamed her DH for not being a good dad, as DSS preferred his step-mum to his dad.

But I think some of that vote would have been sadness for that boy, he seems to have been let down by both his mum and dad.

mummy21blueeyed · 14/09/2023 22:47

No but a lot comes into that for me. I’m not respected as a step parent not loved as one either and I’ve made all the effort I can and more been around 3 years made loads of good memories etc.

my partner is odd though and it’s a bit of a weird dynamic but it’s enough to make me regret this whole 3 year period. I love our child though and think his child is great but there’s so much negativity surrounding it at times and weirdness it’s hard to read.

ColloidalSliver · 14/09/2023 22:47

I couldn't love any child (either step or adopted) in the way that I love my children. It's one reason I would never adopt, and it's also the main reason I have never been involved with a man with young children.

I don't feel that this is shameful, though. I think it's entirely natural.

TheSilentSister · 14/09/2023 22:50

We are just animals who breed and it's perfectly natural to nurture our own above anyone else. Society dictates that we care for others. If a child has another parent fulfilling the maternal/paternal role, there is no burning need for another to take on that role. Bonds form and I get that but it absolutely does not replace the love of having your own.
I think adoption is different, because the parents have taken on a child where the biological parents can't provide the care, so they know they are the main carers and assume that role.
I'm quite prepared to be ripped to shreds but I've been in these situations and it's just my own experience. I can't speak for everyone.

Skogrammy · 14/09/2023 22:50

I love my kids immensely.

Truthfully… I don’t even feel a quarter of what I do for my kids for my dsd.

Bluebellsbells · 14/09/2023 22:50

It's so dependant on the situation. My daughter lives with us 100% my partner sees her as much as I do, he loves her and treats her as his own.

His two children are here 4 times a month, they have a very different upbringing and values. They are lovely children, but it's not always easy and they have a mother I am not it! I do love them, care for them, provide for them. I'm duty bound to them for life! But they are not my children, but they are part of my family. So I love them in a different way to the way I love my children. I guess it's like the love of a niece or nephew.

Original poster
Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:52

michalwave · 14/09/2023 22:44

Why is the thread getting derailed with a bunfight?

OP’s post did unfortunately refer to people being programmed to love children because of biological nurture elements.

Posters could have asked if she was including adopted children as bio children instead of asking are adopted children not loved.

Better words could have been chosen by all but it’s not worth a bunfight.

Completely agree, it's derailed massively. However, "OP’s post did unfortunately refer to people being programmed to love children because of biological nurture elements."... That is biologically proven though. It is a highly developed, mammalian attachment system. I would hope no one takes offense to something factual? In saying that, I am not assuming you do not equally love another child that is not your own.

OP posts:
Jevwaypock · 14/09/2023 23:02

I don’t have SC but my DP is SD to my DC, When I was pregnant with our DC together I told him that he would love the baby more/in a different way to my DC - it’s not a bad thing he really does love my DC, but his own baby of course is a different feeling.
My own SM who I am VERY close to (when we have discussed topics like this) has told me she would happily lay her life down for me and she absolutely loves me but not the same as my brothers and I get that 100%

My sister says she loves my kids more than her nieces and nephs from her DH’s side (different comparison )

Alphafem23 · 14/09/2023 23:04

Even when I got on with my SD I could never feel the same as with my own DC. Now she's an adult I really can't stand her. I know when my DC are adult I'll still love them no matter what but she's something else.

AnotherStrongCoffee · 14/09/2023 23:06

I’m not a step parent but of my friends that are, they don’t feel the same about them as they do about their own children. Importantly though, they do show them the same kindness that they show their own children. They don’t take on a parenting role to them but they are a trusted adult in their step children’s lives and they have a strong bond.

Dancesaideveryone · 14/09/2023 23:07

Coffeepot72 · 14/09/2023 21:40

I would think that most people, if answering honestly, love their own children and tolerate their step children.

Yup

Libelula21 · 14/09/2023 23:09

Being a widow myself, I have wondered whether widowhood rather than divorce changes the dynamic.

The age(s) of the child(ren) must surely make a difference too. Also how many of your own children you have. I only have one and I like to think there’s room in my heart for so much more love.

My Dad was a step dad to my half brother and had no love for him at all, more jealousy, I’d say.

LizzieW1969 · 14/09/2023 23:10

I’m not a stepparent, but my DSis is. She’s always maintained that she loves her DSS (now 26) as much as her own DC (2 bio DC and 1 adopted). He’s also been very much a part of our extended family, too, and we’ve always treated him the same as our other nieces and nephews.

She was her DSS’s main carer for half his childhood, though, as her DH was his resident parent when they met. (He used to stay with his mum EOW.) That created a bond between my DSis and her DSS which wouldn’t necessarily have happened if he’d only stayed with them EOW.

Dancesaideveryone · 14/09/2023 23:13

RollerGirl7 · 14/09/2023 21:57

I agree with the posters ago are saying that claiming you can't possible love a step child as much as a biological one surely must think the same about adopted children.

Would love an explanation of how it's different?

My DH has helped raised my daughter since she was 2.5, he absolutely loves her as much as if she was his (biologically or adopted). Being a step parent in some situations is no different than adopting a child.

Obviously there are other scenarios, e.g. becoming a step parent to teens or being very hands off in terming of parenting, etc

Because if you adopt a child, they are your child. You are the primary carer legally.

A step parent is not the parent. You have no real legal Rome. If you split from the partner, then the connection is ended more or less.

toddlermom99 · 14/09/2023 23:33

My partner genuinely loves my son as his own, but he has been in his life since he was a young baby and has watched him go through a leg amputation at 1.5 years old etc which massively strengthened their bond.

But I think it would be very different if he came into his life at a much later age

toddlermom99 · 14/09/2023 23:34

I think he'd still love and bond with him but not as much as he has done since raising him from such a young age.

PixieLaLar · 14/09/2023 23:46

Being brutally honest I don’t love my step kids no. One of them is polite and lovely to be around but the other is awful - violent, abusive and causes nothing but trouble. I still never would wish them anything bad for them. It’s completely different the love you have for your own biological child, and it’s really unfair the pressure put on step mums to care for someone else’s child like your own.

Onlyforfun · 14/09/2023 23:51

I don’t love them the same no, although I see them as family for sure. I’ve also noticed that many people saying it’s possible on this thread are speaking on other peoples behalves, and those people may not be entirely truthful at the risk of causing familial strain. I, for one, would never admit it to my friends (although my partner is aware and completely understanding as I treat all our kids with nothing but love)

mondaytosunday · 14/09/2023 23:58

No. They were 11 and 13 when I met them, and when we married the older one moved in (14 then). Teenagers aren't always a delight, and I was busy enough with my baby and soon another baby.
They are in their 30s now, but to be honest once they left home I only kept in touch for the sake of their half siblings (my husband died a couple years after they left). And to be frank they have been pretty poor keeping in touch with their younger brother who could really have used support in his mid to late teenage years (and I did ask them).

Foxyaus · 15/09/2023 00:17

No, I can't stand my step kids.

Before you all lynch me, these two came into my life when they were in their 30's and have been absolutely vile to their father and myself.
The parents divorced when these kids were under 7 years of age and they are still openly hostile about their father having a partner.
Their mother constantly goads them on and add fuel to the fire, as do a couple of aunts, but these two are adults, who are behaving like spoilt children.

They are extra hostile now because we recently married, whereas my adult kids love my hubby and spend a lot of time with us.
The step son does not speak to us now, but has no problems telling lies to our friends about his father, the daughter rings when she wants something and is happy to take free food ( which her father arranges to transport to her, via friends ) and waste her father's time by complaining about her life.
So no, they do nothing that encourages me to love them - I tried and they treated me like shit.

Onlyforfun · 15/09/2023 00:57

Zellam · 14/09/2023 22:52

Completely agree, it's derailed massively. However, "OP’s post did unfortunately refer to people being programmed to love children because of biological nurture elements."... That is biologically proven though. It is a highly developed, mammalian attachment system. I would hope no one takes offense to something factual? In saying that, I am not assuming you do not equally love another child that is not your own.

Show quote history

Factual. Don’t see the problem with it either 🤷‍♀️

wordler · 15/09/2023 01:46

I love them very much and feel a parental love for them - I worry about them when they are away, and share in their highs and lows. If I’d been in their lives from babies and if they had been solely in my care then I would definitely love them the same as my bio daughter.

However I came into their lives as young teens and was very respectful of their relationship with their Mum so was always careful not to overstep any of her boundaries which places a small barrier there which would not be there if I was their primary ‘Mum’.

WellPlaced · 15/09/2023 01:53

i wouldn’t expect my DH to feel the same about my DS as he does ‘our’ DC. I know I wouldn’t if I was in his position.

However, they have all been treated equally and his relationship with him now, as an adult is equally as good as with his own DC.