AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

[didntgetagift]

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

It really, really doesn't matter if he is happy with this - it only matters if YOU are happy with this

I still can't believe that he would specify a budget even as a joke/ in jest and that would make me very wary if you were my daughter.

All sounds very transactional. Where’s the joy?!

I’d prefer a nice night or spa break away than a gift I won’t appreciate, and I know I’d only love that quality time together more than anything gift. I’m happy that we did agree on it.

I’m aware based on this post our relationship does sound transactional, and that’s the last thing I want for this or any relationship I have. As a result of that, that’s why I suggested no Christmas presents but time away together or doing something instead.

Please re-think this idea you have that gift giving is your "love language" and that you're making people happy. I promise you that sending £5 to friends is an odd thing to do and that you're not "giving them joy" as you think. They probably accept graciously but wish you wouldn't do it.

There are red flags all over your post OP. Girl you can/deserve better! :/ get rid.

and it’s not about the presents etc it’s about his attitude & self-centred childish crap. I don’t like the mocking you over finances while putting pressure on you to live up to his budget. And by the sounds of it he wouldn’t do the same for your either financially or emotionally. He’s sounds like a scrounger

Ok, he has successfully backtracked. You have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. That is entirely your decision to make. People can tell you to LTB, but it is entirely up to you to make that decision.

Just keep in mind to maintain self respect and healthy boundaries. Recognise red flags and try to make the right decision for you. I wish you luck and good will for your future.

He's shown himself to be mean, tight, and manipulative.

He has said you should know when he's joking, but also that ye are only getting to know each other?

Which is it?

Major backtracking because you have spoken directly to just how cheap and mean he is.

Mean goes to the core of a persons character and influences every thought and action.

Mean people are always trying to get one over, be ahead, come out on top of you.

THAT is who he is.

Fair enough if your relationship bar is low and you feel you want to accept that, but be clear that is who he has shown himself to be, and you are now fully aware of this fact.

Women with self esteem would dump him as this characteristic gives them instant ICK and they know they deserve better.

But good luck.

He understood and said he wasn’t being serious about the minimum budget and genuinely felt awful about it. He basically said that I know him “well enough” to know what to take with a pinch of salt. He said he knows his presents will arrive when they do and not to worry.

So he's still expecting his presents then. Nothing about save your money so you have a buffer, or that he shouldn't have asked for expensive gifts? And did you notice that nice little twist he did to make this all your fault? I bet you didn't.

I repeat. He's not a good one.

@didntgetagift
So many people budget for various aspects of their lives, why should gift giving not be an aspect around which you budget?

I think that your relationship has not reached a stage where co-mingling of funds or even the sharing of information about financial resources is necessarily appropriate or indicated.

If you are going to be spending Xmas together, you might focus more on how you are going to spend the time together and each decide separately on gift giving for each other. within your individual budgets and resources.

So young and your first relationship so you have no idea what a good healthy relationship should be like. I'd be leaving him and dating more people quite frankly. Some might be worse but some will be miles better.

I just don't understand at your age why you insist on staying in something that isn't great for you but its your prerogative.

Is the money stuff generational?

Just say you can't afford to spend that amount. End of. If he kids off, then dump him

24 and this is your first adult relationship, you sound sweet but naive and vulnerable. You've been homed in on by a 30 year old, it's not just about age but also your lack of experience that has attracted him if you ask me. Sending friends £5 vouchers also sounds sweet and naive but a bit weird.