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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

213 replies

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 21:40

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 14/09/2023 00:02

Christ. Dump him.

Honestly you’ll just waste precious time otherwise and brew yourself up stress and sadness.

End it.

FrontEnd · 14/09/2023 00:03

He's a money grabbing cheeky fucker who's taking pleasure in humiliating you into getting him stuff at the direct expense of your basic financial security. Horrible, manipulative waste of your time and affection (never mind cash). Dump him without hesitation and don't look back for a second.

Silvetmoon · 14/09/2023 00:05

You need to confide in your friends and family. Staying silent is how you end up trapped. You need more people to tell you this isn’t normal and you deserve better. He sounds incredibly immature.

EggInANest · 14/09/2023 01:14

I’m 24 and he turned 30 on Sunday so there is a minor age gap.

That is often quite a big gap in terms of career progression and income though. He has no business expecting you to buy him expensive gifts.

Ponderingwindow · 14/09/2023 02:06

An appropriate gift can cost almost nothing. It should be thoughtful. It should never strain the givers budget.

if gifting is your love language, you should understand that. Gifting isn’t about spending, it’s about thinking about the other person, planning the perfect gift, and making that happen.

your boyfriend is being a jerk. There is no point in mincing words. he should never pressure you to go beyond your budget, not for gifts and not for anything else. That doesn’t just mean whether or not you physically have the money, it means whether or not you can also afford to allocate the money on that particular purchase.

this probably isn’t the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. If all you want is someone to have a bit of fun with, then that’s fine. Have fun, but don’t let him bleed you dry. Just don’t get pregnant and don’t let him tie himself to you legally or financially in any way.

WellPlaced · 14/09/2023 02:14

This doesn’t bode well …

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 14/09/2023 02:24

@didntgetagift please please please move on.

Nothing you’ve written there points to a healthy supportive relationship. Just imagine what will happen when you get pregnant and are on maternity leave with reduced income, he will probably expect you to continue to pay your full share of the bills even if it leaves you destitute.

SunRainStorm · 14/09/2023 03:55

EggInANest · 14/09/2023 01:14

I’m 24 and he turned 30 on Sunday so there is a minor age gap.

That is often quite a big gap in terms of career progression and income though. He has no business expecting you to buy him expensive gifts.

Agree.

A big difference in income and career progression.

Inappropriate to suggest a 'like for like' gift in terms of monetary value, especially when the bulk of his gift was a restaurant voucher that he presumed would be spent on himself!

stayathomer · 14/09/2023 05:45

You both sound too much into gifts! He’s worse, but you coming back with not appreciating his present is a bit ridiculous too!

Ihadenough22 · 14/09/2023 05:54

Your 24 and he is 30. Why do you think he is with you? My feeling is that he was interested in you because he knew you were younger than him. Woman of his age have more life experience than you. They probably ended things with him when he started wanting expensive presents and was slow in opening his wallet.
Also at 30 he is working longer than you and his career is more established. He knows that your short of money at the moment due to a job change and your waiting to get paid.
Rather than giving you some money he making jokes of this and then offered you £5.
He then expects you to spend £200 plus on his birthday present which takes place before your pay day despite knowing your current financial situation.

He thinks you should spend this despite spending far less on you, giving you poor presents and bringing you to a restaurant he wanted to go to. I have never heard of anyone in a couple saying they want and expect an expensive present.

Give him a present of a cheap money tins from poundland.
Put in £2.00 of mixed coins in it and tell him that it all you could afford but at least it helped you realise how mean he is so you have decided to end things with him.

I take a photo of this money tin and put it on his FB page saying that you wish him a very happy birthday but since he is so short of money he can't afford to have a girlfriend so that why your relationship ended.

My advice is to end things if a man is mean. It not just money but it mean in spirit as well.
At least he shown his true colours so it time to tell him where to go - out of your life and as far away as possible from you.
You deserve better than him and I would do the freedom program to help you avoid men like him in the future.

Iloveavocadoes · 14/09/2023 05:59

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:15

I didn’t! He told me what he spent and said he expected the same

Expected the same? What a transactional atittude! What's next? If you lived together and had a child, this would only get worse. You probably really like this guy but I think he sounds awful and he's trying to put you down and in your place. GET RID of him!

Tangelablue · 14/09/2023 06:12

Hes very grabby, what des he need a pop up tent for? Is he into solo camping or festivals ? And you can get cheaper speakers. He's waving some big red flags here. Most decent people would tell you not to worry about getting them anything while between jobs and would appreciate the meal you paid for. Instead he's putting pressure on you to buy things you cannot afford and shaming you.

Tangelablue · 14/09/2023 06:20

Oh and I bet he will throw his rubbish gifts in your face if you break up with him. "I bought you crocs (wrong size) candles (Xmas ones in the middle of sumer) and a reed defuser'" (£1 from b and m). Was the meal a Groupon voucher?

Spottypineapple · 14/09/2023 06:29

Reminds me of that scene from Harry Potter where Dudley Dursley has a tantrum because his present isn't big enough. Except he was a child not a 30 year old man.

Huge red flags, not least the penny counting but teasing you, calling you poor and joking with the fiver? Ick.

NoSaladThanks · 14/09/2023 06:32

He told you what he spent on yours and he expects the same? What the heck??
I can't imagine ever saying that to the husband, much less a boyfriend!
He might be 30 in years, but he sounds 12 in the head.
I would be telling him where to shove his tent, his speaker and his attitude.

tt9 · 14/09/2023 06:34

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:32

I suppose this is the first time that I’ve seen my boyfriend in this light so I’m taken back and still processing what’s actually going on. I don’t want to confide in family or friends as I prefer to keep my relationship private and I don’t want them to be aware of my current financial situation either incase they try to offer anything.

He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.

Edited

now it all makes sense. you are still very young OP, and I see in this interaction a very selfish older man taking advantage of a young girl. a partner would never mention the value of gifts or requite the same in return. if he is 30 and earns a decent amount but never spent more than 200 on partners - that rings alarm bells for me. especially given that it wasn't even 200 and included a dinner out.

and the comments about you being poor! just no!

bin immediately

you deserve better

stop feeling guilty about getting him a gift. if I were you, I would pay him back the money he spent on gifts and tell him to f off

Velvian · 14/09/2023 06:35

He sounds patronising, spoilt and a bit of a bully. He doesn't sound like life partner material.

Aprilx · 14/09/2023 06:36

I also cannot imagine setting expectations on price of birthday presents and found that very off putting feature in your boyfriend. However you come across as pretty transactional too. You are probably well suited!

DynamicK · 14/09/2023 06:47

Not only is he scrap boyfriend but he's turning you into someone you don't want to be! Totalling up what someone has spent on you, trying to match expenses, being resentful, pressured and controlled.
This is not what a relationship should be like.
Find yourself someone better.

Antilope · 14/09/2023 06:53

Do you know what my boyfriend did when I was changing jobs and was hard up for a few weeks? He transferred me £500, unprompted, which I only saw when I checked bank and was puzzled howcome I wasn’t overdrawn.

No it wasn’t a gift as but he took notice of one passing comment and wanted to make sure I was ok and my basic needs were covered.

That’s the kind of thing a caring partner would do when you have money worries, not demand £200 gifts. It sounds like he doesn’t see you and your needs at all and only cares about what he can get out of the relationship. Does he keep a tally of other things too?

davinasshorts · 14/09/2023 07:11

Any man who buys his parter a yankee candle and reed diffuser is not a keeper

greyhairnomore · 14/09/2023 07:11

@didntgetagift you need to get rid of this man.
How DARE he tell you how much you have to spend on him?
This is the sort of man who wouldn't support you if you weren't working eg mat leave.
You say you're young and he's your first serious relationship, learn from this and move on.
You'll look back on this one day and be glad you got away.

WaltzingWaters · 14/09/2023 07:14

SloppyJays · 13/09/2023 21:44

Anyone who told me what they expected me to spend on them would soon be an ex.

This. He sounds a dick.

TheGreenSketch · 14/09/2023 07:20

You both sound immature. And is spending money on someone a love language? I don’t think so. I think you do it because you absolutely want it reciprocated. He’s not good stuff at all, learn from this, grow a bit into yourself, and move on.

CherryMaDeara · 14/09/2023 07:25

TheGreenSketch · 14/09/2023 07:20

You both sound immature. And is spending money on someone a love language? I don’t think so. I think you do it because you absolutely want it reciprocated. He’s not good stuff at all, learn from this, grow a bit into yourself, and move on.

I think gift-giving is definitely a love language, but it doesn’t have to involve spending a lot of money.

I’ve given family and friends things I’ve picked up for a £1 or so which I know they would love.