AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

[didntgetagift]

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

Why do you feel compelled to buy his love by spending on him constantly?

does he buy you thoughtful little gifts constantly?

why on earth are you even contemplating buying him ££££ worth of birthday presents which firstly you cannot afford, and secondly when his gifts to your weren’t anywhere near thoughtful or as expensive?

why do you think you deserve to be running around after him trying to buy his love and approval?

dump him. Life with him will be him living it up on his and your money whilst you scrape by.

you’re insane to even consider getting yourself into debt for someone’s birthday, moreso when you’ve already bought him a meal for his birthday, given your financial situation you should call that your gift to him and stop.

dump him and work on your self esteem.

Dump him and don't waste anymore head space or money on the cheeky fucker.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the freedom programme online as it will help you spot Red flags in future relationships. Your self esteem is low so you need therapy before you start another relationship.

I'd say to him that you neither have the money, nor feel massively enamoured by the idea of buying exactly what you've been told and being asked to spend more money than you have. Birthdays are about showing love not money

Take notice of how he treats you from now until you are paid at the end of the month. This should tell you everything you need to know about how he sees you.

Please stop with this whole ‘love language’ thing. Focus on being generous of spirit rather than generous with money.

Lastly, do not spend £200 plus on a wish list of gifts - you are not Father Christmas.

Life is full of surprises, good and bad, this man does not sound like a partner you can rely on during that journey.

He's taking advantage of you.
You've only been together for a year so it will only get worse. Don't waste anymore of your youth on this selfish man. Cut him loose and find someone that appreciates you.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget

This is awful. And worse when you say that he knows you’re not flush with cash at the moment. As others have rightly said, run…..

It's not normal. It's grabby, selfish and would make my vagina clamp closed like a bear trap.

Throw this one back and find someone without a score sheet.

He won't change. A friend of mine had a bf like this. Said to her I will tell you what I want whilst buying her junk. He stropped like a child if he didn't deem it worthy.

She married him and it continued. It extended to the children, cheapest second hand rubbish he could buy them for presents and clothes and spent loads on himself.

Ditch. Now.

He has the hallmarks of a financial abuser, entitled to your money and gaslighting you about his. Are you too afraid to see him for what he is? Throwing money at the problem won't cure it. Dumping him will.

You've said further up that you "sporadically send friends and the boyfriend £5 to get a midweek coffee"! Which is a really odd thing to do, especially if you're short of money yourself. Meeting up for a coffee and saying "I'll get these" is a nice gesture, but randomly sending someone £5 is weird and patronising, unless you're their nana.

You should dump the stingy boyfriend, his presents were crap and he sounds entitled. You're only 24, you like older men, and "gift giving is your love language"... you can find a more generous partner pretty easily.

You haven’t told friends or family about what’s happened because you know they’ll tell you what everyone else here is quite rightfully telling you.

As others have said he is awful and you deserve much better. Please please do not buy him a present - give yourself the gift of dumping him. This is what I'd be telling my daughter who is a similar age to you

My love language is audible excitement and forever-gratefulness at the receiving end of eye-wateringly expensive and devastatingly-thoughtful gifts.

Not one person has known real love if they haven't been in the presence of me receiving a large box from Tiffany.

You have no money in your account and he's saying let's plan 'free fun' and you know that he wouldn't even get you a coffee??

He got you a voucher for a meal as a present but didn't take you out in his birthday?

Where did he even get a Xmas scented candle in summer, from his mums cupboard?

Also he is 30!!!!!! Unless he's a student (tbh even if he is) there is no excuse for being in a relationship and being this right especially when as you say you often like to treat him
When you have a bit of spare cash.

How much do you both earn? I bet he earns more than you but still expects 50/50

*didn't take you out on your birthday

*tight not right sorry typos! (Can't see how to use edit function on the app?)

Thought > £££.
Throw him back.

I think you both need to grow up

Don't let the fact that you happen to like gift giving distract you from the fact that it is incredibly rude and entitled behaviour to set a "minimum budget" for your own birthday, my mind is blown by the audacity. I would run a mile, this is a very strong indicator that he's an utter prick.

What's more, he's a 30 year old man laughing at a 24 year old for their level of disposable income. It's not a good look.

Just to be clear about the love language of gift giving. Its not about money. My dds language is gift giving and l see her pick very small but thoughtful gifts. She wraps them beautifully and loves them to look nice. But nothing to do with money.
You are only 24. You have learn a lot from this relationship. Dont beat yourself up over him not being the right one. Move on and next time all that will stand to you picking a nice generous man.

Please get rid of him. He spent about £50 on you (Crocs in the wrong size and some candles) which shows he is not thoughtful. And yet he wants you to spend at least £200 on him. Ignore the crap about your love language being gift giving. I'm slap bang in the middle of yours and your boyfriend's ages. My life is a lot different to how it was when I was 24 (I have a baby now and career progressed) and I expect it'll be different when I'm 30. The age gap wouldn't be as noticeable if you were 30 and he was 36.

He is vile. Truly. You’re a young babe. Get rid of this mercenary twat.

By free fun i assume he means sex.
You set your budget according to what you can afford.
You can do better than this
You are down to your last 30 do not spend it on him.
What would he have said if you'd taken a friend with you to use the voucher?
Get rid

"gift giving is my love language" to me just translates to "at some point someone has instilled in me the idea that I can buy love and affection and I'm not worthy of it otherwise".

Stop it. Love languages is hokey 70's nonsense anyway that I think people put far too much stock in and gives people an excuse to be a crappy partner because "oh I just don't speak your love language". It's mostly bollocks. You're setting yourself up to be a doormat and taken advantage of in all relationships with this sort of thing.

There's a difference between doing nice little thoughtful things for your partner to show you care, and being taken for an absolute mug by a grabby, greedy leech. You fall into the latter category, currently.