AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

[didntgetagift]

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

You’re going to have to get tough or you will have an awful lot of heartache and piss taking men in your lifetime.
Be brave and call him out on the presents he bought you then dump his tight arse!
Believe me, there are much better men out there. This one is not a good one.

At 24, living in the moment - shouldn't your moments all be great? Not tying yourself in knots. Sounds like a shit mom et/series of moments to me.

Not this shit. You are young - get your boundaries in place NOW.

Let this relationship set the tone for all your further ones.

Make you feel upset enough to post on a forum asking if you are unreasonable. Ditch.

But if you get to that point and the overwhelming responses are raise your standards woman and ditch him - which they are...

Listen to a bunch of (mostly) older and (mostly) wiser women who say he's behaving like a twat.

If you can't confront him and tell him that and get a heartfelt apology and lasting change of behaviour (and I suspect not) then ask yourself, "is this person someone I want to live in the moment with".

I short know your worth. Learn this lesson now and not in 10 years time.

@didntgetagift Regarding the love languages you mentioned earlier, I am presuming that this either comes from the book about the 5 love languages or the online quiz based on the book.

The problem in your relationship has nothing to do with yours or his love language. The problem is about respect. He is not treating you with respect.

There is far more to love than the language that you express it in. Love has respect, empathy, consideration and caring.

If he is demanding that you spend money that you can’t afford on him (birthday or not) then he is not respecting you or showing empathy or consideration towards you or your situation, and he is definitely not caring how it adversely affects you. And that is not love.

He sounds very immature. Do yourself a favour and throw this one back

Even if he has some good points, the bottom line is at heart he's selfish and mean. Time to show him the door. End of.

You sound like your self-esteem is rock bottom and boundaries very unclear. He is stingy, controlling and mean which I'd find incredibly off-putting, and you are worth more than this fool. But also you seem to seek validation through transactions eg sending friends £5 for coffee etc. Saying your "love language" = buying gifts is not healthy OP.

I think you need to look into your upbringing and try to understand why money and gift buying is where you get your validation from. I also think you should dump this idiot. Perhaps a course of a few counselling sessions would help you understand yourself better and be clearer in your own boundaries so that your next relationship will be a healthy adult one.

Please end this relationship. You deserve so much better. There is no other solution I’m afraid.

I’d re-wrap the crocs. Use the fiver as a gift tag with a big black marker pen write f u on it.

Get rid of him, he doesn't sound very nice.

It will be Christmas soon, more grasping, then valentines day, more grasping, then his birthday, then Christmas...............

Get rid now.

I'd rethink your love language. Randomly sending people £5 is actually quite patronising, I'd be agog if someone did this to me.

Think about ways to show your appreciation while keeping your wallet shut. Have a think about how others show thier appreciation for you.

Keeping your relationship private by not sharing stuff with friends & family….or making the deliberate choice to not tell people the full truth about how he acts as you don’t want others to see him in his true negative light? I note you say this is your first adult relationship, do you feel this validates you as a grown up being with a “man” in his 30s? I don’t mean that question in a sneery tone, but I put up with similar stuff when I was 19 dating a 32 year old for 5 years. Looking back, I brushed his off his unacceptable behaviour and attitude as I felt sooooo cool and adult dating someone older as the trade-off. Of course he could get away with it as most women his age wouldn’t put up with the things accepted and I had only teenage relationships to compare it to so thought this was what grownup couples were like. It’s only when I was 24, about to be 25, it dawned on me that the way he treated me could be my life forever and I didn’t want that.

This is not a kind and generous partner who’s worth it long term. Especially at his big age. Goes without saying it’s the thought not the money that counts, but it sounds like he’s only put half a thought in and expects a parade in return.

How a man treats you on your birthday / special occasions, in my opinion, is how he thinks of you. Whatever that standard is is down to the individual, but you’d hope the giving partner would aim for the best shot possible.

Stop worrying and reading about love languages.

He's gross and cheap. One day you'll look back and cringe that you fucked this guy.

Ergh. Up your standards OP. This man is awful. He's probably dating you because he knows your naive. Don't buy the bloody tent, put a fiver in an envelope.

If you dump him before his birthday that’s two problems solved.

Can I tell you what my partner would say if I was broke and it was his birthday? "Don't get me anything love, I know you're strapped for cash. Wait til you start your new job and take me out for dinner then." He'd be over the moon if I spent a few quid on cake ingredients to make him a birthday cake.

That's what an adult relationship should look like - treating each other when you can, but not expecting a fixed expenditure (!!!!!!) at any time let alone when the other person is struggling.

He sounds like the sort of person who makes a big gesture in order to hold it over you later - those people are manipulative tossers.

He's not behaving well here honestly, he's not the one you want xx

I'd avoid him permanently if I were you

Many men see altruism as a weakness. You think your gift-giving is a kindness. But it makes you weak in his eyes. He knows he can manipulate you and get what he wants. You will use your innate altruism one day, likely on your children. That is what it is for. You are a nurturer, a giver, a pleaser. Keep it for your kids. Never be this altruistic towards a man especially when dating as you will attract what you already have - an absolute loser.

You need to hold yourself back, and in your next relationship, let the man come to you. Stop trying to woo men! Don’t give him gifts unless it’s a birthday or Christmas. And only give what you can afford. If he buys you something outside of birthdays and Christmas say thank you, but do not immediately buy him something back. This isn’t quid pro quo. Let him make himself worthy of you. Stop giving gifts.

Dating is a game, and it’s a game that’s been played for centuries. Men have to have the agency initially for it to work. They have to like you and want you more than you like and want them. They have to do the leg work else they don’t value you. It might be sexist, it probably is. But it’s also psychology and biology. A man truly in love with you only wants you. He doesn’t care for trinkets and baubles, or how much you spend on him. You are not with that man. Throw this one back and find yourself a man worthy of you.

YABU for using the term 'love language' 🤮

Otherwise, hell no! Fuck him and his shitty presents and horrible demeaning attitude. Tell him to get to fuck and take his fucking crocs with him.

Next time, don't settle for less than somebody who treats you with respect.

If he knows you havent got much money, just say "oh well we wi have to do something belated after" and leave it at that.

If he continues to behave like this, bin him and save yourself £200.

This whole scenario is ridiculous on both sides

Aside from your boyfriend, why are sending £5 to friends to buy coffees?

I didn't read all of the replies but did read the Op's posts.

Someone else said: 'It's the thought that counts, not the £££££ signs.' .. when he thought about your birthday, he thought about a meal out for himself.. and a couple of pretty low thought presents. I suggest a spa day for 2 (wowcher or virgin experiences), a £30 pop up tent and the cheapest JBL speaker.

https://www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/product/twos-company-spa-day-with-treatments-for-two-at-bannatyne-health-clubs

https://www.amazon.co.uk/RISEPRO-automatic-Lightweight-Waterproof-Protection/dp/B089SHJ7G5/ref=sr_1_5?c=ts&keywords=Pop-Up%2BTents&qid=1694691378&s=camping-hiking&sr=1-5&ts_id=3076651031&th=1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/JBL-GO-Wireless-Bluetooth-integrated-Black/dp/B08FB2H6Y4/ref=sr_1_3?crid=10TLPBS1RT2N6&keywords=speaker+jbl&qid=1694691429&sprefix=speaker+jbl%2Caps%2C103&sr=8-3

Or save yourself the effort and ditch him.. (Mumsnet standard response!)

His comment about 'free fun' sounds a little like well if you can't afford to buy me a present, I will accept payment in the form of sex, rather than 'we can have fun together without spending money'...

And while 6 years age difference is not much, it is a big difference in terms of the amount of time you have been earning and therefore your budgeting and discretionary speeding capacity.

This sounds really unhealthy :( I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I can’t even imagine him saying that he expects me to spend £200 (or any amount) on his birthday gifts… l do ask what he wants (and usually get 1-2 things he ask for and then a few surprises) but if I can’t afford it then that would be fine and he’d just pick something else 🤷‍♀️

Dump him!! This has given me the major ick just reading it. I have NEVER been told by any of my boyfriends EVER what to buy them. Adults buy stuff for themselves if they want it, they don’t demand it as a gift. My husband and I now do low key birthdays and token gifts because if we need anything during the year we sort it out.

Major major ick of this guy! The gifts he got you are so so shit! Just tat really. £200 is absurd to demand off someone. The I got you this so you owe me this is also a major no no. It’s a really horrible character trait.

The bigger issue is he’s controlling about money, tells you what to do and is really mean and disrespectful to you. Dump him!! Buy yourself a nice bday gift as he definitely didn’t!

DO NOT BUY THE TENT FOR THIS LOSER! buy yourself a nice gift OP!