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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

213 replies

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 21:40

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 14/09/2023 11:01

If you are determined to stay with his, here is some great advice from the relationships crew here on MN.

Earlyish on in a relationship - this still counts for your OP - say NO to him. Don't explain etc, but assert yourself and say No. You could say "NO I won;t be doing that" re his present demands, or "No I won't be spending that much". See how he responds. it will tell you a lot about him and about your future relationship.

Eyes open!!!

NoLikeyNoLightey · 14/09/2023 11:02

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:32

I suppose this is the first time that I’ve seen my boyfriend in this light so I’m taken back and still processing what’s actually going on. I don’t want to confide in family or friends as I prefer to keep my relationship private and I don’t want them to be aware of my current financial situation either incase they try to offer anything.

He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.

Edited

OP, I'm the same age as you and I feel so annoyed on your behalf. YABU to spend another moment with this person. I dated someone like this when I was about 21 and of course it didn't last (they were also my first adult relationship). Nobody should be telling you how much to spend on them. He has no consideration for you or your current situation, is this really someone you'd want to create a life with. I can just see you coming back here in a few years time saying you can't afford your share of the bills as you're on mat leave but your partner won't help or doesn't care, like a lot of poor women on this site. Like you say, you have nothing to compare this relationship to (totally understand) but this is a good lesson in setting boundaries and learning what you like and don't like. I hope you think carefully about this relationship.

viques · 14/09/2023 11:05

And this one is for free, he doesn’t give a tuppeny shit for the little “ love language” gifts you give him. He probably rolls his eyes when he sees them.

Save your money, save your pride, save your affection for someone who reciprocates and appreciates your loving nature. And who doesn’t expect you to leave the tip for the serving staff after your birthday meal - of all the things you mentioned this one made my spidey senses wince.

Barelybarefoot · 14/09/2023 11:05

What are the top 3 things you like about him and you feel make him worth staying with?

housethatbuiltme · 14/09/2023 11:14

I LOVE buying gifts but I cannot stand entitlement... if someone expects or demands a gift they are getting fuck all from me.

'I want never gets'... was a common saying when I grew up

Katiesaidthat · 14/09/2023 11:14

Oh please please throw this one back into the sea...

Dindundundundeeer · 14/09/2023 11:16

You sound very caring OP. Save that for someone that warrants it. Don't get stuck in this relationship. Imagine this behaviour in 8 years time and you've now got 2 kids and a mean partner. You'll compromise your work, your life, and be stuck with him for life via your children.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/09/2023 11:17

Antilope · 14/09/2023 06:53

Do you know what my boyfriend did when I was changing jobs and was hard up for a few weeks? He transferred me £500, unprompted, which I only saw when I checked bank and was puzzled howcome I wasn’t overdrawn.

No it wasn’t a gift as but he took notice of one passing comment and wanted to make sure I was ok and my basic needs were covered.

That’s the kind of thing a caring partner would do when you have money worries, not demand £200 gifts. It sounds like he doesn’t see you and your needs at all and only cares about what he can get out of the relationship. Does he keep a tally of other things too?

Now that's a love language!
OP, you can do better than this. He's your first but don't let him be your last.

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 14/09/2023 11:17

OP if this is your first adult relationship, then you need to end it and set your bar higher. You need a fellow adult, not a grasping child.

mosiacmaker · 14/09/2023 11:19

For the love of all things good please throw this absolute loser back in the sea!!!!!

Duckskitbank · 14/09/2023 11:22

Another vote for LTCheapB.

Don’t worry, lots of us dated losers when we were young. Just don’t get tied to one! Time to raise your standards.

Beeinalily · 14/09/2023 11:23

I love receiving and opening gifts, it means that someone has thought kindly about me. I'm not that bothered about what the gift is, as long as it's not actually offensive! But I would have been really disappointed if my birthday presents weren't even wrapped, that seems so "can't be bothered", especially as you've been so kind with little gifts and kindnesses. Perhaps this is something you can live with OP, but it needs thinking about before the relationship goes much further.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/09/2023 11:28

SloppyJays · 13/09/2023 21:44

Anyone who told me what they expected me to spend on them would soon be an ex.

Yes.

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/09/2023 11:28

Bookworm20 · 14/09/2023 09:47

So he knows you are struggling for money right now. And instead of helping you (which by the way a decent partner would automatically do as they would hate to see you struggling), he is demanding you get yourself into debt to buy him a fucking tent and speaker?
And making you feel guilty on top of that because you would find it a struggle to do so.
And goaded you with £5 to make sure you felt even more shit.

This is not a decent man. He may do nice things for you every now and then. But I bet those are all things that benefit him in some way?
He has shown you who he is.
Listen to that.

You say you don't have much experience of adult realtionships. I can tell you now, that in adult relationships a decent man does not put an expected value on gifts from their partner. A decent man would instantly help you out in the financial situation you are in, in some way or another. A decent man would not make you feel guilty or shit about yourself. A decent man would have been over the moon with a beach trip and a dinner with the woman he loves. In fact he'd of been over the moon with bloody beans on toast if he knew thats all you could afford because his focus would be on getting to spend his birthday with you and not causing you stress at any level.
Not just whats in it for him.

@Bookworm20 Well said!

@didntgetagift The above quote is a good description of a decent person. Anyone who genuinely cares about you is not going to treat you like how your boyfriend has been treating you.

You wrote: I suppose this is the first time that I’ve seen my boyfriend in this light so I’m taken back and still processing what’s actually going on.

It is very understandable that you are shocked or surprised and still processing. But let me assure you that this is very common for people like your boyfriend. The first year is the honeymoon period and now, bit by bit, gradually he will reveal his true character. Then he’ll be all nice again and act like it was out of character for him to be like this. And then you end up questioning your judgement, your instincts and maybe you end up giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting him.

It’s a common tactic to normalise his nasty behaviour and his disrespect for you. Before you know it, years have gone by and you’ve wasted your youth on a relationship that has completely worn you down and sucked you dry. Then you’ll find that you have to rebuild yourself again.

Don’t waste anymore time on this relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

Anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself is someone to walk away from.

tokennamechange · 14/09/2023 11:30

I'd dump him and send him £100 to cover the cost of your birthday meal (not his portion, the cheeky fucker!) and the candles. The crocs don't count if they were the wrong size, they are no use to you and checking shoe size is the absolute bare minimum effort if you're going to buy someone shoes ffs!)

Only because then he can't complain that you're a gold digger or whatever who had presents off him for your birthday and then dumped him before his.

But seriously there is no point in staying with someone who counts the food they consumed as part of your birthday present! In 5 years time he'll be saying "well it's your baby so it's up to you to pay for childcare" etc. Or "I'm not paying for you to have a haircut, it's not my fault you're on maternity leave/working pt to look after our child."

Underestimated4 · 14/09/2023 11:36

Red flag. He’s sounds immature and he’s taking advantage of you.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/09/2023 11:38

I’ll sporadically send friends and the boyfriend £5 to get a midweek coffee and I’ve often made little gift packs for my boyfriend during our relationship as little pick me ups.
Ummmm...that's weird, you know that, right?. Most people actually have the coffee with the friend and then pay. Even parents rarely do this for their children.

You need to start asking why you are so loose and free with your money. Are you trying to buy love and acceptance? Because that will never end well. Buying thoughtful gifts is one thing but throwing money around is totally different (and that is what you are doing ).

Oh....and dump the whining manchild. He's a cocklodger in the making and will bleed you dry. Definitely not father or partner material.

ActDottie · 14/09/2023 11:40

It all sounds very transactional. I don’t think you’re meant for eachother.

Namerequired · 14/09/2023 11:49

Save yourself £200 by dumping him

Pigeon31 · 14/09/2023 11:51

Tell him that all the little gifts you have been giving him count towards the total spend, and buy him what you would have got if he hadn't been specific about the tent (he can save up for that).

tara66 · 14/09/2023 11:51

He sounds awful - no romance involved at all regarding his presents!

pinkyredrose · 14/09/2023 11:57

Selfish fucker. Bet he's shit in bed too.

Mari9999 · 14/09/2023 12:00

@didntgetagift
This does not sound like a relationship between 2 mature and compatible adults. Your finances and your love language should control your behavior and not his expectations, and the same should be true of him.

You both seem far too transactional in relation to gift giving and yet .strangely unaccepting of this quality in the other.

AbbeyGailsParty · 14/09/2023 12:00

Very, very weird at 30 to have expectations of a gift, to set the price that should be paid and to be disappointed. He’s either very immature or is going to turn out to be controlling, using disappointment to emotionally blackmail you.
id dump him pdq.

pinkyredrose · 14/09/2023 12:05

I know I’m probably going to avoid him until I’m paid again and have his presents to avoid feeling guilty or bad.

This is not a healthy relationship.