AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

[didntgetagift]

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

All the money stuff is such a turn off, hope he's a good shag as he has to have SOMETHING going for him.....

He's have been dumped as soon as he mentioned his expectations

Yes, Please ditch this greedy Ass.
Imagine this down the line.... Don't waste your time.

Also, when we have been low on cash my partner and I adjust what we would like accordingly or forgo gifts and do a nice experience together.

This boyfriend is gross!! Really gross!

Stop buying him stuff all the time and stop buying friends coffees etc. Sorry but I agree with a previous poster that whilst you think you’re being nice (you are) to others you will come off as easy to manipulate, which is what is happening here.

Spend your money on yourself! How often do these friends do things like this back for you? Your BF definitely didn’t care about your birthday that much or get you anything decent.

Start putting that care and money into yourself or saving it!

So if he expects £200 spent on him for his birthday, then goodness knows how much he expects you to spend on him for Christmas!
He's dictating to you! Either stand your ground or get rid, it will only get worse!!
He probably thinks he should be made a fuss of because it was his 30th! Doesn't give him the right to tell you what he expects!
Stop being too nice and a people pleaser (I mean this in the nicest of ways because I have been where you are and you only get taken advantage of, used and abused and dropped when you're no longer needed!!)
You're young, please don't start off accepting this sort of thing in relationships, you deserve so much better!
Tell him you expect him not to dictate how much you spend on him and that he should be grateful for whatever he receives and you will be doing so within your budget. Tell him you expect him to be more understanding about your current situation with regards to changing jobs. Bet he won't like hearing that!
I would use this time to have a bit of you time, process what's going on, wind down a bit after your holiday and see if you feel like you're looking forward to seeing him when the next time comes. You might be surprised!
As for the 'free fun' comment, I'm assuming he means sex? I'd tell him to eff off personally! Good luck! x

Even his presents to you don't sound great unless you're into those things? Feels very last minute and that not a lot of thought went into what comes across as very generic gifts

Unless agreed before hand no I wouldn't class a meal out as part of the present budget

I absolutely would not be going into debt to buy him such expensive gifts. At most he could have the tent OR the speaker

I think you are already aware that he's a prick. Just dump him and move on. It's for the best, really.

Wrap up the cheap, thoughtless presents he gave you for your birthday, give them back to him with a huge FUCK OFF
And raise your standards, he saw you coming

This. Sending money to people is cringe worthy and patronising

Seriously this does not sound like a good relationship. He seems to be very selfish and immature. In my opinion his behaviour is likely to get worse if he is already acting like a petulant child when you have only been dating a year! I also think he is showing narcissistic behaviours and is gas-lighting you.

Please think very seriously before committing to him.

Do not finance anything. He is mean, cheap and nasty. Get rid of him now

The attempt to account for his £80 dinner as a present to you is some serious CF-ery. How can you even consider staying with him after such mendacity?

I think you haven't confided in them because you know they'll tell you to bin him.

This isn't OK, you deserve better.

Hi All!

My boyfriend recently completed a masters and is working in retail at the moment. Up until I transitioned to this job last week, we were both earning £24,500 without bonuses or commission but I am now on £29,000 therefore earning more.

As we don’t live together or have any shared finances, we don’t really discuss our salaries or monthly income frequently because it doesn’t effect us together.

In terms of sending my friends £5, this is to friends who I no longer live beside and is more a token to say I am thinking of you and please enjoy your morning coffee on me. With friends who do live nearby and I meet more often, we rotate who pays for the coffee.

I understand some people have an issue with gift giving as a love language and I completely comprehend that. If I see something albeit small or big and it is within my current means, I will often pick it up regardless of my relationship to that person (only close friends or immediate family). I never gift give to buy people’s love! I grew up in a low earning working class family so often presents were only received at birthdays or Christmas and I like to be able to now give back to my family and friends. For me, I love giving someone a gift and seeing how happy it may make them.

Now, someone mentioned the small gifts I do give my partner he probably could care less about and I don’t completely disagree with this. Some of the small gifts I have given him sit in the spare room unopened but he keeps the wrapping paper and little notes so I know some of the gesture is appreciated.

His ears must have been burning as he sent me £20 this morning to buy myself a nice coffee and lunch at work. I know it’s not a lot considering I’m broke as chips until the 25th but I did appreciate this and find it thoughtful. He has sent me £15 once before to buy a coffee and lunch.

It goes without say that I do have a lot to think about. I will try read all the replies once I’m sat down with a cup of tea!

Crocs were probably my summer choice of shoe and my old job was pretty relaxed on work wear so I often wore them to work as they’re the comfiest shoe I own! I did mention wanting a specific colour and he did buy them for me so there was thought behind it.

As for candles, I always light candles but I hate Yankee! Typically I’d buy hand craft candles or there’s a local cafe we go to that sells some amazing scents I’d buy. He noticed me constantly smelling these and I think that’s where he got the idea to buy the candles from. I know in theory it was thoughtful but he definitely cheaped out by buying Christmas scented ones that were a fraction of the price of one of the candles I’d buy from that cafe.

Honestly in terms of sex, I have a higher sex drive and want it more than my boyfriend so in reference to the free fun it is highly unlikely he means sex. He probably means a movie night, board games, or a game of cards (activites we generally do) and a nice walk somewhere. I wouldn’t mind this at all but I would feel restricted not having excess money to spend and I wouldn’t ask for a coffee either, apart of me just wished he had the initiative to say “this weekends on me”!

OP none of your responses have addressed the main issue, which is how awful it is for somebody to set others a "minimum budget" of what to spend on them. Giving gifts to people who are polite and appreciate them, yeah, sure, but can you seriously condone his attitude here?

I have considered financing the items on Very and paying back immediately when paid so there’d be no interest applied but it comes to over £200 for the speaker and pop-up tent. Even if I did this, they wouldn’t come for another week or two.
Don't be so fucking stupid! Yup need to work on your boundaries.

You sound as bad as each other 🤷‍♀️

Theres a change of tune in your posts since he sent you £25 and a nice text. It's like you've forgotten he has treated you badly and made you feel shit enough to post

RUN.....run for the hills!
Seriously, why are you standing for this entitled bullsh*t?
At 30 he should know better and sounds like he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes and taking advantage of your naivety good nature!

I’d LTB purely for the Yankee candles

@didntgetagift so......you will only see him again if and when you have some money to buy him the gifts he's expecting? Darling girl, will you please say this out loud? Again? Once more? Okay, let me spell this for you : you will never ever be happy with him. So run. Run fast.

My thoughts exactly. A manipulative 25 notes and all is forgiven!

To clarify, I gave the £5 back but I did keep the £20. Nothing is or has been forgotten! I just needed time to process and take everyone’s responses into account. It’s the first time I’ve ever been told by anyone to essentially LTB. In terms of not discussing with family or friends, from reading other MN’s posts, I was always under the impression that you “shouldn’t air your dirty laundry”.

So I thought long and hard, and decided to speak directly with him about it. I told him due to my current financial situation, I’m not in a position to buy both gifts requested and he will have to forego one. I also brought up the minimum budget and told him about how much financial pressure that put on me, but also how greedy and selfish it came across. He understood and said he wasn’t being serious about the minimum budget and genuinely felt awful about it. He basically said that I know him “well enough” to know what to take with a pinch of salt. He said he knows his presents will arrive when they do and not to worry.

And I went a step further and clarified we would not be exchanging Christmas presents this year. When he asked why, I did bring up my birthday presents and how I personally felt he cheaped out and that the meal voucher should not have been included as part of my overall present because it was an experience shared together. He tried to reason his gifts and explain how there was thought behind them, but apologized for “cheaping” out and getting things wrong i.e. shoe size. He said we were still only getting to know each other and that stage and he wasn’t overly familiar with what I liked.

**In replacement of the Christmas gifts, I did suggest we put money together and go away for either a night or spa break instead. He was happy with this.