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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

213 replies

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 21:40

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

OP posts:
fedupnow2 · 13/09/2023 22:24

How is this guy even attractive to you. If someone had that conversation with me, I would be so disgusted by them that there would be no second thought of dumping them. This is why I don't have a pathetic partner like him- I have standards and won't tolerate being treated that way. Are you finding his jokes about you being poor funny? You do know that a decent guy wouldn't allow let alone expect his partner to feel this way?

fedupnow2 · 13/09/2023 22:24

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:22

I have considered financing the items on Very and paying back immediately when paid so there’d be no interest applied but it comes to over £200 for the speaker and pop-up tent. Even if I did this, they wouldn’t come for another week or two.

I already told him I probably won’t meet him this week as I have no money and he said that we could have a weekend of “free fun” but I’d feel so restricted not having funds to get a coffee or lunch as I pleased and be relying on him.

I know I’m probably going to avoid him until I’m paid again and have his presents to avoid feeling guilty or bad.

You have a long way to go if you are even entertaining this.

NewShoes · 13/09/2023 22:25

You’ve told him you’re feeling anxious about money and guilty for not being in a position to buy lots for his birthday.
In return he’s teased you and made you feel even worse. He doesn’t sound like someone who cares for you, more for what he can get out of you.

averythinline · 13/09/2023 22:25

seriously save yourself the cash and dump him....
there is no future in this relationship...why do you feel you have to meet any budget requirements for anything.... his attitude absolutely stinks!

Mondaymanic · 13/09/2023 22:26

I genuinely can't believe you'd even stay with him after that conversation. What a pig. Sorry you sound thoughtful and deserve better

Original poster
didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:27

I did want to go out for dinner for my birthday but he bought the voucher for the meal tasting instead rather making any reservations. It was up to me when we would use the voucher and I did end up basing it around his schedule so it was July by the time we went. He did pay for the drinks but I left the tip.

I know I should’ve called his bluff on the budget but I didn’t want to come across as materialistic or say I didn’t like his gifts because I didn’t want to upset him. He felt he tried because he knew they were things I liked (crocs and candles).

Financially we’re usually on the same page but I am broke as they come at the moment due to the job transitions which is very unlike me. I do have a rainy day fund in a credit union but it really is an emergency fund i.e. immediate car repairs, unexpected bills, and not for birthday gifts

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 13/09/2023 22:28

Do NOT spend £200 on this man. You will have broken up in a few months due to his stinginess and grasping behaviour and you will MASSIVELY regret spending the £200 on him.

Look at his behaviour, realise you are worth more and dump him.

poppitypop1 · 13/09/2023 22:28

Yabu for entertaining it. No one that cares or respects their partners acts like this. Honestly don't waste your time on this.

Original poster
didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:28

Yeah trying to give me £5 made me feel like a charity case.

OP posts:
NDWifeandMan · 13/09/2023 22:31

Dump him and find yourself a real man.

Original poster
didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:32

I suppose this is the first time that I’ve seen my boyfriend in this light so I’m taken back and still processing what’s actually going on. I don’t want to confide in family or friends as I prefer to keep my relationship private and I don’t want them to be aware of my current financial situation either incase they try to offer anything.

He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 13/09/2023 22:36

I know I’m probably going to avoid him until I’m paid again and have his presents to avoid feeling guilty or bad.
Get this right out your head!!
You do not need to be guilty or bad, he's horrible, get rid and enjoy being single.

randomusername2020 · 13/09/2023 22:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 13/09/2023 23:01

Raise your bar, save your cash amd throw this one back in the sea.

And stop defining yourself by your 'love language' (or find a cheaper one - sending money to friends so they can have a coffee 'on' you but not 'with' you is weird).

momtoboys · 13/09/2023 23:03

I wish you had posted how old you both are.

lookingforMolly · 13/09/2023 23:08

At 30 he's never going to change his ways

poppitypop1 · 13/09/2023 23:09

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:32

I suppose this is the first time that I’ve seen my boyfriend in this light so I’m taken back and still processing what’s actually going on. I don’t want to confide in family or friends as I prefer to keep my relationship private and I don’t want them to be aware of my current financial situation either incase they try to offer anything.

He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.

Edited

Sorry OP. My post was blunt but I didn't intend for it to be nasty. What I was trying to point out is that your take on this is spot on. He is in the wrong.

Don't entertain this. Can you imagine what he would be like if you had kids and on mat leave or working part time? I'd bet money on him being one that wants everything 50:50 whilst leaving you to do the lions share of housework and childcare. Obviously I'm guessing, but his current reasoning doesn't bode well.

Regardless. Do get him a present but £30/£40 is fine if you really feel you have to. Don't be pressurised by this cheeky fucker to spend anymore.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 13/09/2023 23:35

He’s a big CF. Do not spend money you don’t have and cannot currently afford just because he’s making stupid (one way) demands. How massively off-putting.

LifeExperience · 13/09/2023 23:41

He is not mature enough for an adult relationship. Get rid.

SkaneTos · 13/09/2023 23:44

Break up with him. Please.

UsingChangeofName · 13/09/2023 23:46

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 13/09/2023 23:01

Raise your bar, save your cash amd throw this one back in the sea.

And stop defining yourself by your 'love language' (or find a cheaper one - sending money to friends so they can have a coffee 'on' you but not 'with' you is weird).

This is spot on

The only time I've had conversations about limits on money spent on presents is an upper limit ("Let's keep it to £10" type conversation). No-one says "You have to spend at least £X on me". Hmm

enidblythe · 13/09/2023 23:52

Having just watched a docu on Andrew tste and his mind fuckery I would ask if your BF is a follower of his.
Get away from him fast

Gymnopedie · 13/09/2023 23:58

He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to

There's enough of us on here to tell you that it's a rubbish relationship. Which is OK, most people have picked up a dud or two along the way, you're not the first to do it and you won't be the last. The key is to know when to let them go, and for you that's now. He's a cheapskate and a fibber/liar, there are plenty more men who aren't.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 00:00

Stop "processing" and take your love goggles off. This man is shit, and it actually pains me to think of you wasting your youth on this man. My daughter is slightly older than you are, and I would be dragging her to the hills to get her away from a man like this.

You owe him nothing. Get the fuck rid of him, and never EVER settle for a twat like this.

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