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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over boyfriends birthday?

213 replies

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 21:40

My boyfriend and I are together a year next month so this year was our first valentines and birthdays.

We returned from holiday early last week and his birthday was last Sunday. Prior to the holiday, he told me to save my money and wait until we were home and settled before buying any presents. Now I know I didn’t mishear him because he said it more than once.

He said that he expects me to spend a minimum of £200 on him because that was his budget and specifically requested an outdoor pop-up tent and JBL speaker equating to the budget.

Based on boyfriends advice, this would mean anything I order wouldn’t arrive on time for the Sunday.

I literally started a new job where I am paid monthly and after the holiday and paying other bills, I have £30 to do me until payday and my boyfriend is completely aware of this. Sunday came and he was incredibly disappointed there were no gifts (I did bring him to the beach and paid for dinner).

I would never expect him to take care of me financially but despite knowing how strapped I am until payday, he hasn’t offered to pay for anything and instead keeps making jokes about how poor I am. He even tried to give me £5 as a joke so I couldn’t say he ‘wasn’t a good boyfriend who didn’t get me anything’…

Here’s my issue. My birthday was in June and without sounding materialistic I was incredibly disappointed with my presents and know my boyfriend completely cheaped out yet set a minimum budget for his presents.

He bought me a pair of Crocs (in the wrong size), Yankee Candles (Christmas scents), and a reed diffuser. On top of this, we went for a meal tasting (8 courses) that was £80 per person (in total £160) and my boyfriend is including the total £160 toward the money he spent on me. Now, when I take anyone out for dinner, I only factor in their portion towards total cost and completely ignore my own because that’s money I spent on myself and not them. Isn’t this normal?

Before anyone presumes I went googling the prices… My boyfriend left the delivery slips in the bags (presents weren’t wrapped and they were handed to me in packaging they arrived in) and a lot of the items were heavily discounted compared to their normal retail price.

I know it’s not what a person spends but the thought that counts, but when I tally what my boyfriend spent it was roughly £130!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 14/09/2023 09:47

So he knows you are struggling for money right now. And instead of helping you (which by the way a decent partner would automatically do as they would hate to see you struggling), he is demanding you get yourself into debt to buy him a fucking tent and speaker?
And making you feel guilty on top of that because you would find it a struggle to do so.
And goaded you with £5 to make sure you felt even more shit.

This is not a decent man. He may do nice things for you every now and then. But I bet those are all things that benefit him in some way?
He has shown you who he is.
Listen to that.

You say you don't have much experience of adult realtionships. I can tell you now, that in adult relationships a decent man does not put an expected value on gifts from their partner. A decent man would instantly help you out in the financial situation you are in, in some way or another. A decent man would not make you feel guilty or shit about yourself. A decent man would have been over the moon with a beach trip and a dinner with the woman he loves. In fact he'd of been over the moon with bloody beans on toast if he knew thats all you could afford because his focus would be on getting to spend his birthday with you and not causing you stress at any level.
Not just whats in it for him.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/09/2023 09:49

I'm on Team "Dump him NOW". This is not going to get any better.

REAL friends - and a boyfriend really ought to be included in that category - take care of each other, especially if one is strapped for cash.

He's not "the one", OP. He really is not.

CoffeeCantata · 14/09/2023 09:50

He sounds so romantic.

What a vulgar, transactional and unpleasant way to go about things. Please confront him about the disparity in budgets and then dump him. I couldn't be doing with someone with values like that, not to mention the entitlement and controlling tendencies.

I would fall straight out of love with this man.

ManateeFair · 14/09/2023 10:10

He shouldn't be setting you a minimum budget for presents, ffs, regardless of what he spent on you. He's being greedy and spoilt.

caringcarer · 14/09/2023 10:16

He's not a keeper. You know this. I'd dump him and look for better.

Wonderwhyibother · 14/09/2023 10:16

Having had an ex that sounds just like this all I can say is dump him and run as fast as you can. This man is not worth your time if he happily takes the piss at you being in a tight spot, his behaviour will only get worse. At nearly a year of a relationship this is not the behaviour that should be expected (well frankly it shouldn't be expected at all), he has no respect for you and you shouldn't stand for it. As a PP said he's dating younger women as he knows he can't get away with this shit with women his age. Your young and have plenty of time to find the right person so go out and enjoy yourself.

Pista41 · 14/09/2023 10:17

Yeah dump this guy fast. Who tells their partner how much to spend on their birthday? Or anyone for that matter? The £5 “joke” was a dick move meant to make you feel shit, too.

Most couples generally take into account earnings/financial situation when splitting outgoings. 24 and 30 is not really a minor age gap when it comes to this, someone at 30 is generally a lot more established in their career and more financially stable than someone in their early/mid 20s. I think you may well find this guy would end up being financially abusive, and even if not you will end up with your finances destroyed with these expectations.

Agree with EVERYONE else, he’s not a keeper.

Scottsy200 · 14/09/2023 10:17

You’ve been together a year, please strongly consider if this is how you wish to spend the rest of your life because he sounds like a proper twatwaffle

Nosleepforthismum · 14/09/2023 10:20

Oh wow, he’s actually 30! I assumed he was a teenager from your initial posts. He doesn’t sound like a great catch OP and I promise you can do way better. If you insist on staying with him, at least in the short term, you can pick up a two man pop up tent for 25 quid and declare yourself as the portable speaker where you will sing songs on request for a day. I wouldn’t waste too much of your money on this bloke as he’s definitely, definitely not the one.

ScattyGinger · 14/09/2023 10:21

I'd run whilst you can. He sounds very childish, like he's telling his Mum what he wants. 😆 My husband and I have both been together since we were 18 and skint. We were happy with beers on the beach and a small present that meant a lot. Tell him to jog on and buy his own stuff if he wants it that much. Or make a charity donation in his name instead to wind him up. You used to be able to buy manure to donate on Oxfam. Imagine his face reading that. 🙈🤣

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2023 10:26

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:01

I’m 24 and he turned 30 on Sunday so there is a minor age gap.

It only started this evening when I emphasised I was poor (at the moment) with £30 to do me until the 25th. I did remind him on Sunday about the presents, expressed I felt bad, and apologized and he reassured me that it was okay but he still felt a little dissapointed. I know, I probably should’ve set a boundary there and then and said that I wouldn’t be in a position to spend that much but I have a tendency to go overboard with gifts (I typically can afford to) and wanted to get him what he wanted.

You're a mug.

And you need to find a different 'love language' unless you want people to keep taking advantage of you.

I'd be Shock if a friend sent me a fiver for a coffee. We just take it in turns to pay when we actually meet

But he is awful and you need to dump

weirdoboelady · 14/09/2023 10:26

For a start, you should be challenging his assertion that he spent £200 on you. What he spent on his own meal was NOT a birthday present for you - unless he feels his company on that evening was worth £80 to you?????

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2023 10:28

didntgetagift · 13/09/2023 22:32

I suppose this is the first time that I’ve seen my boyfriend in this light so I’m taken back and still processing what’s actually going on. I don’t want to confide in family or friends as I prefer to keep my relationship private and I don’t want them to be aware of my current financial situation either incase they try to offer anything.

He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.

Edited

This is not an 'adult' relationship

He's seen you coming and he's taking advantage

HobbiddoH · 14/09/2023 10:33

This sounds like a very immature relationship

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 14/09/2023 10:34

Ditch him, you’re not compatible and he sounds like an utter miser. You do not want to be saddled to this man for the rest of your life.

AgnesX · 14/09/2023 10:35

What an attitude - his that is. Frankly, I'd bin him, over expectant git. Has he always been so money minded?

Adult relationship? I don't think he's grown up yet.

Feellikeafailurenow · 14/09/2023 10:39

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/09/2023 21:47

It's the thought that counts, not the £££££ signs.

Yes but there was no thought either!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/09/2023 10:46

Get HIM some crocs and a candle. What a shithead.

Intelligenthair · 14/09/2023 10:48

“He’s also my first adult relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.”

Hi! Consider me your momentary older sister then, because I DO have relationships to compare it to, and I’m here to tell you to expect so, so much more.

This is not the one for you. You are clearly thoughtful and kind, with your head screwed on sensibly. Please, PLEASE cut your losses and go find someone who will treat you better.

Avatartar · 14/09/2023 10:51

I know you say 6 years isn’t a big age gap but it’s huge in terms of where you both are in life. You are just going out and starting your career, it’s also your first adult relationship. Freedom and support in my view is the key to a healthy relationship and you get neither from him. He’s got all the hallmarks of a controlling, abusive, selfish and immature man and while you tie yourself up in knots about how to please him, he’ll be off shagging about behind your back. Most of us have had one of these along the way. The best thing you can do is get rid of him - I bet he’ll be hard to shake off and he’ll make you feel guilty, but you have to get rid of him. Good relationships feel so comfortable, they are not stressful or forced in how to please your partner, it just happens and you rub long. It’s not a criticism of you because you need to have experienced one of these men and then you can spot them and keep running. Good luck

Mamabear48 · 14/09/2023 10:54

What an ass hole!

Tlolljs · 14/09/2023 10:55

I really don’t understand all this love languages bullshit. He is using you and treating you like shit is that his love language? Cos if it is it’s a crap one. Just dump him you’re worth more.

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2023 10:55

You've been together less than a year. This time is normally when he'd be at his most eager to please. Instead, he's letting his stinginess show AND telling you to buy him expensive presents AND doing bizarre things like giving you a fiver to show "he isn't a bad boyfriend".

This isn't good treatment of you and it isn't normal. Imagine this behaviour x100 in the future when the honeymoon period has worn off. Constant greed and stinginess. This would be your future if you stayed with him.

TheClitterati · 14/09/2023 10:55

"gift buying is my love language"? really?
Is this how they are repackaging people pleasing doormat on TikTok these days?

OP you sound like a lovely person but I don't like the sound of this at all. I do worry you are going to be easily taken advantage of in life if you go around spouting "gift buying is my love language".

And do stop sending friends a fiver to buy a coffe midweek - seriously! that is some silly shizz. Treat your friends to a coffee when you are with them by all means, but if any of my friends sent me money to buy a coffee ....... I'd be very confused. Just because there is this technology and companies marketing sending fivers to friends as a great thing to do, doesn't mean it is. May as well go out into the street and burn fivers.

You are young and it sounds like you have some financial knowledge. Start budgeting, stop frittering away ££, start saving.

As for the boyfriend, honestly save yourself a wad of cash and dump him now. Anyone who demands you spend £XX on them is NOT a keeper.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 14/09/2023 10:56

Ffs get rid of this fucking loser. Run and run fast!

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