To be annoyed that DH isn't home to cook dinner?

[firnk]

We both work long hours. I tend to work longer hours. But it seems like he always finds an excuse to stay in the office until later than me, so I get home and have started preparing him dinner.

Today he said he was leaving the office at around 7:00. Great I said, could he cook dinner (simple dish). I then got home around 8:15 expecting dinner to be ready. No sign of him. I text and he said he had to do something else but would leave now. I said ok, we can cook together when he gets back. Then I get an arsey reply telling me to eat without him he wants to do something else at work. Aka he wants me to cook his dinner.

For many years now DH and I have not cooked and eaten together on week nights. We prefer to eat different kinds of things at different times. It works much better, no expectations.

After moving in together I very rapidly got fed up with doing all the thinking, buying, cooking, cleaning up and him not really wanting what I could be bothered to cook/wanted to eat anyway. So I stopped. Its only food, not love.

He doesn’t get to “prioritise his career” while op has to make dinner (can’t you read? as you so rudely asked another poster)
They both work late when the need arises.
Op doesn’t rush home to prepare food to the detriment of her work or her career.
Such hype…

My only advice would be not to play mind games between the two of you.
You need to calmly chat about how important certain things are for you as an individual, and as part of a couple.

I'm from a culture where food is important and neither my husband nor I would be happy for it not to play a role in family life. We adjust our life to make sure it has the role we want it to.

However, if you feel that food is mostly just a necessary chore, then you need to adjust your expectations. Cold food from the fridge, take away, ready meals which require minimum effort are easily available in the UK.

The trouble starts when one person wants more elaborate cooked food, but doesn't wish to prepare it, or one wants both partners to be together when eating, but the other doesn't care.
It sounds like you would like to have a cooked meal in the evening a few times a week, and in exchange are prepared to cook for your husband on a few other days. But would he possibly prefer to not get those cooked meals because he doesn't want to cook ever?

This is cooking related, but in reality it could be any activity. You can't push someone to do something they deem unnecessary. You can't make someone do bath and bedtime if they don't think it is worth the time and effort. Arguing about it, trying to persuade them won't make a difference.
Likewise cooking , cleaning or caring for others.

The only choice you have is your own decision to do something or not.

I doubt either of you really want to cook at that time - ding meals during the week or batch cook on the weekend 🤷‍♀️

It's not an aggressive response at all. I'm just get fed up of women being told to batch cook because their husbands are lazy useless dicks. You know if she batch cooks and freezes that he will just eat that rather than cook his own meal. So either way it's her cooking. I'm old enough to not give a fuck about this shit, I'd just make my own food, just enough for me. Relationships should be teamwork. But when it's only one person playing the game then all bets are off. I think by the time you get to my age you're damn sick of men and the shit they pull.

How was that aggressive?

batch cook so you aren't cooking every night

or just agree to eat separately

its not worth the argument and resentment it causes

This is all so petty, I’m surprised you even started a thread on it. Just make your own. All this arguing about who makes dinner.

Well, the suggestion to batch cook seems to have touched a nerve 😂

Surely if you are both too stubborn to make dinner either, eat ready meals or have a sandwich and a hot meal at work?

I can understand your frustration but feels like you are both seeing who's got the most important and latest work. You can either be petty and say you will be home early and then change your mind last minute to see if he does infact come home earlier or do the above.

I'd make something quick for myself. Bugger him, he can sort himself out when he gets home if that's his attitude.

What time do you both start?

It sounds like prepping it and/or doing batch cooking will help you out.

You need to take in turns and stick to it.
Even if you’re home before him and it’s his day then do not cook.

If he says he’ll be home before you and he’s not, then cook for yourself and say you assumed you’d already eaten.

Whoever gets home first cooks dinner, you got home first. He may be genuinely busy. Or don’t ‘cook’ dinner and do something simple (beans on toast / ready meal / jacket pot / salad. Then he sorts himself out.

I get why you are annoyed 100% OP.
But if your relationship is in a place where dinnertime has become a battle ground, I think you have some bigger issues.

Its reeks of the competitive tiredness wars parents with young kids often find themselves entangled in.

No winners, much caustic resentment.

I haven't had a meal cooked for me in 17 years. I used to make a meal for two, he would stay out late, or get home and tell me he'd already eaten, so I finally gave up and I haven't cooked for him for the past few years. Stbxh.

What the hell? She should take it easy with her career because her DH wants to avoid cooking the dinner? Is this the 1950s?

OP, if you’re doing the cooking either cook for yourself or prioritise the food you like - if I did this we would mostly have a diet of really spicy chickpea and lentil curries and my DP would be at the cooker whipping up a spag bol within 2 days. Or you could just sit down, have a conversation with him, and either agree to take x days each or get ready meals/make your own dinner.

What the hell? She should take it easy with her career because her DH wants to avoid cooking the dinner? Is this the 1950s?
Can you point to where anyone had actually said this?
I’m pretty sure nobody actually thinks it, so why you’re constructing an argument against it is anyone’s guess.

@firnk
If you are 2 working adults with no minor children in the household, why don't you each manage your own meals?
It does not sound as though either of you adheres to fixed schedule and that you both have the flexibility to adjust your schedules to meet the demands of your careers.

Why not take advantage of the flexibility? You can do take away, eat on the fly, not eat at all. Eating should be an easily managed process for an adult who only needs to feed themselves.

If you feel a need to dine together, make that a weekend event.
You are getting bent out of shape over a relative non-starter.

Oh lord my ex was lucky I did all the cooking, wash his clothes, clean the house and even iron sometimes. We both work full time, he would comment that his work is more important, oh god we are both engineer 😂 that’s cheeky bastard.He lives rent free but only paid half of the bills and food. I have already paid off my mortgage

Never cook for him again. Ever. Horrible prick sees it as beneath him and likely ‘women’s work’.

It’s very sad that this man would rather be at the office then get home to be with his wife ,just to avoid cooking.
If I were poorly or home late,my husband would pick something up for us ,a takeaway or meal deal that he would sort.
My husband is 58, a managing director and group production manager with a long day and difficult job, but would sooner be at home with me.We’ve been together 35 years.
Id say there are more issues than cooking here.

Why did you put up with this?
It doesn’t sound similar to op’s situation at all.

How on earth did you put up with that? Glad he’s an ex. Jesus.

Look for the posts by Tiredbehyondbelief. Because she actually does think that and has stated it. So perhaps stop being so condescending.

Might be easier to just make your own meals and see how that goes. Maybe talk to him about it when he eventually brings up the topic (I'm sure he will haha). I think you should definitely just feed yourself, enjoy your evening and unwind for awhile without him and see if his willingness to cook for both of you changes. Some people do absolutely hate cooking, so I guess it depends on how you already share household work and responsibilities. Good luck