To be annoyed that DH isn't home to cook dinner?

[firnk]

We both work long hours. I tend to work longer hours. But it seems like he always finds an excuse to stay in the office until later than me, so I get home and have started preparing him dinner.

Today he said he was leaving the office at around 7:00. Great I said, could he cook dinner (simple dish). I then got home around 8:15 expecting dinner to be ready. No sign of him. I text and he said he had to do something else but would leave now. I said ok, we can cook together when he gets back. Then I get an arsey reply telling me to eat without him he wants to do something else at work. Aka he wants me to cook his dinner.

Sounds like a silly game where you both try to be the last person home

come home earlier and just eat some bread and salad and crisps and get rid of this notion of having to cook

Not sure why cooking is a massive drama, most food is on the table in 30mins? if I were you I’d get some easier meals in to cover off the week days and then do more complicated/longer to cook meals at the weekend. Fwiw I cook every day but leave all the clearing up for dp - would that work?

@firnk Try testing him at 6/6.30 to say you're on your way home is eating at 7.30/8 OK for him. Then get home about 7.30.

You'll have to start playing the lazy do and so at his own game.

Cooking every day from scratch is not easy.

If it’s so easy, he wouldn’t be avoiding coming home to cook.

The best solution is OP cooks for herself until he realises he’s being selfish.

Either eat without him, and suggest drawing up a rota if this keeps happening. Could you suggest that if he’s not going to be home until after 9 on a day he’s meant to cook he does the basics of a meal the day before and leaves it in the fridge, starts something in the slow cooker before he leaves or buys a takeaway. Sure he’ll love that! Or on those days you do exactly the same- make absolutely sure you get home after him even if you have to go to the cinema or gym etc (obviously don’t tell him).

It sounds arsey but you’re not his cook. I agree he’s doing this deliberately. The slightly less combative thing would be to agree that you both do your own thing in the week for evening food and cook together at weekends- in which case I’d be being absolutely sure to plan and cook delicious meals for myself and immediately freeze leftovers for the day after. Maybe then he’ll agree to the rota idea!

Eat without him then. When he gets home and asks what's for dinner, respond with 'oh, you told me to eat without you, so I did, I presumed you'd get yourself something'

Rinse and repeat each day until he starts pulling his weight

He probably gives zero fucks whether she cooks for him or not! He hasn’t asked her to cook! She’s just taken it upon herself and got upset when he isn’t complying.

Honestly this thread is pissing me right off.

I am waiting for 'be careful he is having an affair with a Michelin star chef and wont cook for you, but don't worry we are here for you girlfriend'

Rota.

OP lives with him and knows him and inside out and she knows that he wants him to cook for her.

Why would we listen to you, you know neither of them.

Your post is another in the vein of ‘just cook for him, it’s no big deal’.

Is that supposed to be witty? It makes no sense

This! Jesus, this place sometimes.

No it’s not. I don’t think she should cook for him at all. I think she should suit herself entirely.

I am coming at this from a person who, pre-children, worked late a lot. And how raging I’d be if my husband demanded I come home before I was ready, to cook his tea.

Fuck that.

But @TawnyLarue did you say you were coming home, then when asked nicely to cook suddenly decide that there was some urgent but non specific task which meant that you in fact needed to stay? I agree it’s possible that this is genuine but if it’s repeated it would seem likely that the sudden evening work is just a device to avoid cooking. People (largely men) “working late” to avoid bathtime, witching hour, cooking, any household chores is a thing.

i was quite bad for saying I was leaving shortly and then being another hour or so, to be honest. I work at my best in the evenings and if I was on a role I didn’t want to stop.

But if there are no children etc then your time is your own. I didn’t ever expect my husband to cook for me in those circumstances and preferred that he didn’t (because as I mentioned above I’d have felt pressure to come home that I didn’t want). My husband worked in the same field so he got it, and never put pressure on me.

Now we have kids obviously things are entirely different but before children I don’t think you get to police another adults time like that.

It really is an easy solution to just not cook for him. If the OP is right and he genuinely is lying to avoid cooking then he’ll change his ways or whatever. But I suspect he doesn’t care either way.

Don't place so much emphasis on dinner. Make something quick for yourself like eggs on toast and he can make his own.

Can you both improve your work life balance? Why do you both do all these extra unpaid hours? Can you wfh sometimes?

Yeah, sacrifice your career, pension and financial security so you can be his little skivvy and the poor hard done man doesn’t have to stress about ever having to cook. What amazing advice. 🙄

Just stop cooking for him OP, you can both just feed yourselves.

I don't understand the vitriol everyone seems to have for men on this site. Why would you be so spiteful as to put his raw bloody ingredients back in the fridge as a pp suggested. You're supposed to be in a partnership and the snapshot you've given here isn't indicative of someone who is always a twat or someone who is a 'selfish arsehole'. If you've no children honestly I think many people don't do 'proper' cooking every night. I often used to just have a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. He's enjoying his job and wants to do well. What is the issue.

Partners are supposed to support each other. Stop being so bitter and vitriolic. Relationships are surely about give and take, but most people are just immediately assuming the worst about the male in this situation as they do in so many posts. It's tiresome.

Where did OP demand he come home and cook for her? Can you point that bit out?

Who can be bothered with this kind of drama? Just come home and have something to eat. There's no law that says that couples have to eat together every night. If someone told me they wanted me to "cook together" at 8.15 after I'd been at work all day, I'd be sleeping at the office.

Start making dinner for only you, he can cook when he gets home or he can learn that he’s a prick and sharing household tasks is the norm.

Yup.

Can't you read? The OP said he is always ducking out of the cooking on some excuse. He gets to prioritise his career while she has to make dinner. Absolutely nothing bitter and vitriolic in her being pissed off about this. Your post on the other hand...

I would have toast.

No cooking going forward.

He's a selfish twat.

Don't have children with him because this is what you will get......him hanging out in the office as late as possible, him parked around the corner avoiding bed time etc.

I worked with guys who did that 35 years ago.

We all clocked it in the office and one colleague took great pleasure in dropping each and everyone of them in it with their partners at a big office social.

She was so funny roasting them and telling their partners that they were so lovely and she can't understand why he delays going home until the children are in bed.

All very haha laughing, but they were really dropped in it.

Agreed!