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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

229 replies

AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 19:00

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

OP posts:
KevinDeBrioche · 13/09/2023 19:04

Is this sparked by WIWIKAU by any chance? because my eyes are rolling so hard I’m giving myself a migraine if I go on that page right now 🤣. Sending kids with home made meals portioned up for the freezer, WTAF 😭

neerg · 13/09/2023 19:04

I have no idea what my child needs. I know she has had packages delivered. I'm also taking her to home bargains tomorrow. I'm not really sure what for!! But my daughter has spent some time living on her own before (slightly older than 18). I don't think she would appreciate me telling her what to do!!!

BoohooWoohoo · 13/09/2023 19:04

Does your dd drive? Mine invited me to go to Ikea with her and we bought stuff in her list. She's organised my nature so bought everything that she needed. Most of her purchases were via Amazon and she came up with what to buy.
She asked for some freebies and I was able to supply some bits like chopsticks and towels which she happily accepted.
She couldn't take her car to uni so that's why she had a lift. Her uni is about 2 hours away so not a major problem.

Ivebeentogeorgia · 13/09/2023 19:06

My eldest is only 11 op but I also wouldn’t be taking an 18 year old to the dentist or making a care package. That all seems v over the top for an adult!

EyesEars · 13/09/2023 19:07

I think some of the parents who haven't been to university on that fbook page perceive things very differently to those who have been themselves and are more laid back about it. I hope I fall half way between the two, but who knows!

ChicaneTurn · 13/09/2023 19:09

We have looked together and she has chosen stuff. She had had some ideas and I have had others. It’s a joint discussion.

Whilst I wouldn’t cook food, maybe that’s what some parents want to do as a last act of love. Maybe some kids ask for food.

Some families will be doing more than us and others less.

Not everything related to parenting needs to be a competition. No points for prepping meals for your firstborn. But no points either for having the cool kid who wants to do it alone.

It is a time of transition. Just focus on what your child is doing and support them if needed. No need to belittle others. Which is what I expect your OP is really about..

MermaidEyes · 13/09/2023 19:10

We've done the bedding/bathroom/kitchen shop together but that's it. She'll be sorting everything else, if she's forgotten anything shops do exist in other cities! Have no idea on fridge space in her halls yet so she'll be doing her supermarket shop next week which she reckons she's perfectly capable of. And care package!?! I've bought her a nice box of chocs for it she's feeling a bit down when we leave. Does that count?

TreesWelliesKnees · 13/09/2023 19:10

My ds has ASD and problems with executive function, so I'm helping him, yes. I probably wouldn't do as much otherwise. We are packing together, and I'll take him shopping for kitchen essentials and the first food shop.

BarbieKew · 13/09/2023 19:10

I saw a lovely idea of an album full of gift cards and vouchers. Things like Starbucks with a note saying “for when you need a coffee” or for McDonalds “hangover cure” etc. Also Cinema, supermarket, Amazon, clothes shops, anything they’ll find useful. Would your daughter appreciate that more than practical help?

PhotoDad · 13/09/2023 19:12

If your DC will be at a campus uni in the middle of nowhere, packing etc is very different to a city-centre uni with shops within walking distance! So, horses for courses.

Original poster
AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 19:14

She doesn't seem to need much stuff tbh.

She's ordered a duvet, pillows and sheets off Amazon. Is taking towels, crockery, cutlery and a couple of pans from home.

No doubt she'll get the obligatory fairy lights!

OP posts:
ItstimeToMoveagain · 13/09/2023 19:14

Mine went last year and organised it himself, my mum did do a food box with spices , sauces and stuff like that

probablyread · 13/09/2023 19:14

I have twins starting uni this year.
DD has sorted everything herself more or less, we gave them a budget to buy bits, plus their own money from working etc.
We live quite rural so on DS's moving in day we will go to ikea and such and get some bits as he hasn't sorted much.
DH is taking DD so it is a good job she is organised as DH would be useless at helping.
I've bought them both a starbucks voucher and uber voucher, told them to use it if they were in such a hurry they skipped breakfast or they don't feel safe walking home after a night out, but that's it.

CarPour · 13/09/2023 19:14

I personally think if they cant prepare themselves then they shouldn't be going to uni

If you don't tryst your child to buy some paracetamol when they have a headache, or know they need a saucepan and a plate then I don't think a care package is going to save them

Things like dentist and optician, I like to think that if my child has been raised correctly by the time they are 18 the reigns of booking those appointments can be handed over

Some things can be nice. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing an IKEA trip but I'd expect them to come with a list of what they need. Making their bed is a nice gesture. But I agree that most 18 yos can get on with it themselves (SN aside)

KevinDeBrioche · 13/09/2023 19:15

I remember my friend came up to uni on the train with a single rucksack and didn’t even think to bring sheets or a a duvet, he slept under a towel for the entire first term 🤣

Bumblebee112 · 13/09/2023 19:16

From the other point of view here - when I left home and went to uni my parents literally helped me with nothing. They still couldn’t tell you what course I did.

I arrived off the train with a suitcase and a random “man with a van” arrived a couple of hours later with all my stuff. I was in a flat of 6 students and they all had family moving them in, helping unpack stuff and taking away boxes etc. A couple took their kids off a big food shop and some had prepped loads of meals. All the parents were chatting and getting to know each other etc.

I was already nervous about moving and I felt really sad and alone in that situation.

Original poster
AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 19:16

No need to belittle others. Which is what I expect your OP is really about..

No, you're being overly sensitive.

I'm having a discussion.

OP posts:
HamBone · 13/09/2023 19:20

We’re in the US so DD started three weeks ago. We’ve only had texts and brief phone calls from her as she’s so busy enjoying student life. 🤣

I did schedule optician’s and dental appointments over the summer as she wears reading glasses so needs an annual checkup in case the prescription’s changed. I thought it best to get her dental check out of the way.

She did her own packing and as we flew there, we did an IKEA run after we arrived. She’s since bought a few more bits and pieces.

Otherwise, I know she’s surviving!

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:20

DD went off to uni last weekend. Yes she is technically an adult (by a fortnight) but I do not subscribe to the very odd MN idea that on their 18th birthday this switch flicks and you do not lift a finger for them ever again. She is my child and will always be my child. Of COURSE I want to settle her in, make sure she has what she needs, make her bed, take her to Tesco. Because it is a time of transition for them and independent living is a massive change.

She is only an hour's drive from home and I am likely to be driving through tomorrow to take her things she's forgotten and taking her for lunch. I just don't get the parents who are desperate to appear so cool/hands off by not helping, not smoothing the transition, telling them not to come home for the weekend. What's that all about??

MissBiljanaElectronika · 13/09/2023 19:21

I’m having to take my dad to hospital so am away all week, so DS is just catching the train with a massive suitcase

feeling a bit bad about that but he’s fine and thinks it’s kind of a cool proper grown up way to start

like the poster above he’s contemplating sleeping under a towel as duvet too big to take but I’ve said I’ll transfer him some money to buy one 😁

goodkidsmaadhouse · 13/09/2023 19:22

Similar-ish to @Bumblebee112, my Dad did care a lot about me going off to Uni but he wasn’t able to help out much and not with moving in at all because of his work. I felt ok organising myself as I was very independent but I was still so envious of all the kids getting dropped off with homemade cakes, care packages, etc. I was in halls but in second year when I moved into a house with friends we all greatly appreciated the parents who stocked our freezer with homemade food, stocked our bathrooms with cleaning products.

These are just acts of love like any other acts of love.

TheChosenTwo · 13/09/2023 19:23

I also lean on the side of benign neglect where it comes to things they should be organising themselves. I had nothing to do with the application, finding accommodation etc other than paying for stuff 😂
I did however take her to ikea as I have a big truck and she drives a tiny little car, she needed a lot of things and we whizzed round with her list and then went out for dinner.
I bought her a jellycat.
And I did her a first food shop when we dropped her down as she was a way from the nearest big supermarket and we stocked up on a lot of the heavy bulky things.
You know your kids best, I wanted to make sure she was okay so I did what I could. She was a bit nervous and knowing we cared about her

AltheaVestr1t · 13/09/2023 19:24

Laid back DS is leaving next week. He made a list, I added some things he had forgotten and he drove us to Ikea so we could buy it together. I intend to do a shop for him and I will put together a care package, but only because it's his birthday on his third day there.
I'm not doing it because he can't do it himself. I'm doing it because I had no one to make a list for me or buy me anything, he's a delightful young man who I am very proud of and I want to show him that he's important to me.

Islandsadness · 13/09/2023 19:24

Honestly I think it's mean. It's not about babying them but about the excitement they might feel for doing it together. I loved going shopping with my parents for my stuff, settling in to my accommodation, going for that first big ship with their help to carry stuff and of course the financial help of paying for it.

I'd have felt very unloved if I was just ignored until I left.

KevinDeBrioche · 13/09/2023 19:24

It’s just so, SO different to the 90s. We literally got dropped off - or took the train - and had no choice but to organise ourselves and crack on. For those of us who lived through that experience, to see the parental levels of involvement now is pretty strange to witness!