To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

[AnneVeronica]

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

I was a very resilient 18 year old who went to Uni on the train with whatever I could carry. I was fine sorted myself out etc. But it felt shit! Everyone else seemed to have more support. It's hard leaving home for the first time and a bit of love and care is not a terrible thing.

My dd is going tomorrow, her uni is 3.5h drive away. We've shipped together, I made her make a list of stuff she needed. She has been to the dentist but I didn't take her, although I've been on at her to ensure she has ordered her prescription from her GP. She has had significant MH issues I'm for the last 6 years and takes medication. She has been assessed for DSA and has her detailed assessment around what will help her this week.

When we arrive I will help her set up her room and we will go together to the nearest supermarket so she can get what she needs for the week, partly so she can orient herself and also so we can help her carry the first 'big shop'.

Last night she was really sad and anxious. She only turned 18 4 weeks ago, and said to me she feels like she has had less time to practice being an adult and now it's all happening at once she's not sure she's ready. That's OK that she feels like that.

It doesn't mean I'm driving across the country to pick her up every time she feels a bit sad. What I have done is shared my experience of starting again, whether that was uni when I was younger or more recent experiences of leaving jobs and moving companies. I've given her practical tips of how to get through the first few days and weeks until everything, like magic, stops feeling so strange and new. The practical stuff like cooking and cleaning and budgeting have been a priority in our family for the kids since senior school, so she knows how to shop and clean a loo, and pay her bills and look after her physical health.

It's still a challenging transition for some kids and if your kid will just happily stroll off into their new life, good for them. If they need more support, why would you not give it? Going to uni shouldn't be a tough love situation.

Mt eldest child really didnt settle and came home every weekend for the full 4 years .The next didnt come home at all in termtime ever The next came home maybe once or twice a term The youngest will ve 5 or 6 hours away so we don't know yet.
They are all different!

I have read some heartbreaking posts on WIWIKAU from parents of DC who are desperate to come home even before freshers week has started.

One of the girls in the flat above DD left yesterday after 8 days.

DD says she was a nice kid, but quiet and studious rather than into partying and just found living with 9 other people too much. She is going to live at home for the rest of the year and commute. DD also reports that she never really wanted to move into halls but felt it was the "right" thing to do. It probably is for most kids, but not for all.

Freshers week is huge fun for many, total nightmare for others who would rather just to get straight into the study. Also adding to the unsettled feeling is the fact that we have ongoing university strikes, DD has turned up for two induction/introduction sessions this past week and the lecturer hasn't shown.

My Dd started a few weeks ago. She was really good about knowing what she needed but we moved her there, bought her a big shop and I made her bed. I did that because I love neat beds and it was the last time I would do it for a while. She has already changed her bed so I am very impressed! She is quite independent and has already got herself a job etc but is quite homesick so I am glad we went and settled her in and I have already sent her a parcel of sweets to cheer her up!

Hardly a bizarre comment lol!

It's not clear in your post that your DS would have plenty of duvets and pillows to choose from at home.

I don't know many people who have multiple duvets for example. Covers and bedding yes, just not the actual pillows and duvet inside.

So if like many people he only had one, then yes - he'd need to bring them home, or a sleeping bag, when coming home to visit.

Fair enough if you have spare duvets. Not everyone does ime.

The reply close under mine expresses why I asked my query. Yes, some people don't have spare duvets at home and yes, some teens are expected to bring bedding home if they want bedding if they come to visit it seems.

My son is incredibly confident and outgoing. When he started university, he found freshers week really hard. He was shocked at how difficult it was to find like-minded people. He knew however he could call us and we had a long FaceTime chat. Filled with love and reassurance. He ended up having the best year of his life, grew as a person and has moved in with a group of great new friends.

Yes they are ‘adults’ but having the love and security of your parents gives these young people the foundations to mature and become independent at the right pace for them. Knowing they have a home they can come back to any time.

The key is to adapt to your kids and give them space if they want or close support if that’s what they want. That’s what they will remember years down the line.

Freshers week can be tough. And my youngest will know we are here for her if things go wrong when she leaves in a few weeks’ time.

He couldn’t be arsed 🤣

But couldn't he just order what he wants online or go on his own? Why would the only way of buying things be with you and DD?

love and cares is one thing, micro managing is quite another. Let’s hope most of us fall into the first category.

Yes I have no time for micromanaging but I think that’s a long way away from showing love, kindness and generosity through say a first shop and the occasional home cooked food.

My dd is another who is struggling to find like- minded people! She will, bur she knows we are here if she wants to vent. Most of her friends have gone to uni locally, so she is welcome to come home and see them too.
I was lucky- I met my best friend on day 1. It doesn't work like that for everyone, and I think having your parents' support and encouragement is not a bad thing. Roots and wings and all that

The best thing you can do for your kids going to uni is make sure they can function independently, cook basic meals, organise their time, manage normal emotions such as disappointment, shop, meal plan, budget.
Working in mental health services in a university city every October we get multiple referrals for new students who just don't have coping skills or independent living skills. These are not things that mental health services can treat.
It is astounding that so many young adults have almost none independent living skills by the time they have reached 18. I'm talking basics, how to use a washing machine, microwave or how to plan a shop so you have enough food for the week. It's actually pretty heartbreaking.

Agree with PP - it’s so different to the 90s. My mother drove me to university, and left me there. No big shop, no asking if I was prepped, just a lift. And I wouldn’t have expected anything else! I had you get siblings and interestingly over time mum got more involved. By my youngest brother she was doing all this stuff - and that was early noughties. I don’t know what the right approach is.

@Batatahara

'But couldn't he just order what he wants online or go on his own? Why would the only way of buying things be with you and DD?'

What is wrong with you Batatahara you seem to enjoy finding any reason to poke holes in anything someone posts. I don't get why you see things that are not even there.

He does do that but my point was he doesn't like shopping with me or DD

And he doesn't have a budget big enough to be buying lots of clothes or items online whenever he feels like it. He's not a rich spoiled brat

He doesn't start Uni till next year so no he doesn't buy his own bedding and towels quite yet on his monthly pocket money

So of course, no brainer, my dd (all my children) can cook, shop, do washing. Of course I taught them all that! It's more about emotional support. I didn't buy her shopping because she isn't capable of doing it herself! I did it to show I love her, and I'm here for her whenever she needs me. If she doesn't, fine! But it's a big adjustment, and it's nice to know you have people who have your back while adjusting

Have you read the thread on the higher education topic? Similar tales of infantilising the DC with care packages etc. I roll my eyes whenever I read it.

Ok good for you. I'm not sure why you need to compare yourself with those that do those things for their kids. Every family is different. My daughter has a disability so I will help her more than perhaps I did my eldest.

Some of you are taking this so personally! And going on the defensive/attack.

DD is taking everything she thinks she needs which is not much really as she's going to see what she actually needs when she gets there. Then she can use her free Amazon Prime (available to students) or go to the shops.

All paid for by her loving mother who is driving her there and will miss her terribly 😀

Only on mn is having your mother pay for everything benign neglect..

Yes this. I went to uni in 1990 and every single student in my halls had been taken by parents or other family members who helped them move in, get settled and sorted, and even, shock horror, took them to buy a food shop. There was continued parental support throughout our time there and even occasionally, double shock horror, a parent who sent a gift or treat to their DC to cheer them up.

I don't recognise this MN myth of the 1990s student 'doing uni' with no support whatsoever.

My sister went to university in 1978. My parents didn't take her as they didn't have a car, so some of her stuff was sent up in a trunk (remember those?)

I'm pretty sure that they would have taken her if they had had a car.