To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

[AnneVeronica]

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

i have been very surprised by some of the posts I have seen about the amount of input parents have
Both of mine packed up all their own stuff and we pretty much just dropped them off

As a very independent individual back in the 90s I researched courses and universities, applied, sorted accommodation, knew what I needed to take, packed my stuff (to go to uni in England, but home is Europe mainland).
i was immensely grateful that my dad took me to open days (across the channel), that my mum took me to IKEA (we still use plates she bought me back then), my parents drove me and my stuff to uni, helped me settle in, took me shopping, to dinner, and most of all… paid for it all.
we will do the same for our DC.

The thing that I have found startling is the amount of mental load that parents are carrying.

Thread after thread asking things like "what do they need?" "What should I pack?' "Is this enough money?"

My kids aren't at that stage but when I went to university I worked this all out for myself and I wanted to, I was excited for independence and I enjoyed the process.

I suppose what I am trying to say is you can show someone you care without infantalising them - big difference between giving them a nice cake and doing all the packing for them

It's about striking the right balance for your DC, bearing in mind their personality and where they're going.

For her first year, DD packed a bit too much stuff. We did a trip to Wilko's together where she bought things, then she packed it all, and I drove her down. I helped her unload and then left immediately after as she was keen to meet housemates. She didn't end up using half of the kitchen utensils. She bought anything she'd forgotten, mainly from charity shops (she's city-centre so that's easy).

Going in to second year she took the train to uni last week (with a couple of bags and a sleeping bag). I'm driving down this weekend with the rest of her things.

She is and was welcome to come home whenever, but it's a long train journey. Last year, some combination of the family did pop down to see her during two of our own half-term breaks (I'm a teacher), and she was home for Christmas and Easter, as well as the long summer. That was the right balance for us.

It also depends on finances. If I can afford it, I would always do the first shop of the year. Takes the pressure off their student loan (which barely covers accommodation these days). Why wouldn't I? It makes me happy to give them these things ... it's really an act of love ... disguised as practicality.

Don’t get me wrong I paid for everything and drove them to Uni
But some people are talking about sending them with individual pots of cheese sauce and monitoring their on line shopping to check they are getting their 5 a day
My youngest went last weekend ,he was dead against it ,think he just wanted to start from scratch

@probablyread
Why can't they come home if you're on holiday? Do you not trust them?
And not allowed home to 'laze' at weekends? have you not considered they might just want to come back for a visit?
Is it no longer their home?

Agree @HerMammy . Living away at uni can be really full on. DD is in a flat of ten people, luckily they all appear to be getting on and there is no drama but the halls are busy and noisy and there are people around all the time. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a break from that and going home for a bit of peace and quiet and a sleep in your own bed. Obviously less practical if the student is many hours away by bus/train. There's no cost to coming home for many Scottish students either as bus travel is free, even on the coaches between cities.

I think there’s a balance which involves the ‘child’ being suitably independent and encouraged to plan what they need to do/buy before they go (lifelong painful lessons to get to that point if my 13 yr old is anything to go by) but also ensuring they have the essentials and that parents can help/support if child wants. my mum always bought me a shop after she’d dropped us off, all through uni, and we were always so grateful. Not entitled.

Mine are more than welcome to come home whenever they want ,it is their home
However they tend to just come home for occasions eg it is my niece’s 21st in 3 weeks time and they will both be back for that
Much as i would hhave been delighted to see them I would have been worried they weren’t settling in if they had come home more often
And it can be a vicious circle whereby they come home at the weekend so miss what is going on at Uni so get left out of the loop
My DD’s 2 best friends stayed at home for Uni and they spent most weekends sleeping on the floor of her room

@Stroopwaffels
My DD has just started at Glasgow, in halls since Friday, coming home on Sunday to cuddle her dogs, this is her home.

It does seem a bit of a thing on here for everyone to fall over themselves to declare how laid back they are as parents and how independent their DC are. In reality, I think (or hope) most people fall somewhere into the middle between overbearing and 'benign neglect'. My kids are only tiny but I will definitely want to be doing an Ikea shop with them and getting them a big cupboard shop and helping them move in, like my mum did with me, should they want that. I think that's just normal parenting stuff!

I think it depends on the uni too as to what is going on at the weekend. DD is at Stirling, most of the students in her flat are from Scotland and the uni's central location means that many of them can be home in an hour or two at the most. The "student nights" in the clubs/pubs are midweek not weekend. Lots of sport going on at the weekends but DD not sporty! Plus she has a day free of lectures on a Monday so she can stay for the Saturday/Friday nights out, come home on a Sunday morning, see her local friends on the sunday afternoon or evening, have a leisurely monday morning here, go back on the monday teatime.

Other universities which have a larger number of students from further afield might find that more people stick around at the weekend.

DD went to uni on Sunday. She made the list of things she needed and paid for most of it from her child trust fund payout.

We got her a few bits and anything she wanted from the last Tesco delivery.

We drove her there, about 3 hours away. She wanted to sort out her room herself.

For the most part she was pretty self sufficient. I was on hand with advice and reassurance as needed. She was pretty excited to go.

I think a lot of people are forgetting that due to widening participation there are many more students going to university now who wouldn't have gone back in the day. Students who need extra support would simply have stayed at home. I hope your DS is coping/coped well at university @FirstTimeNameChanger

I agree with the OP that there seems to be so much more over parental involvement, and if these NT young people need this kind of involvement maybe they should take a gap year and learn a little more independence before leaving home to pursue higher education.

but I do not subscribe to the very odd MN idea that on their 18th birthday this switch flicks and you do not lift a finger for them ever again.

Neither do I. I have always encouraged DD to be independent and made sure she had the life skills to look after herself by the time she left home. By the time she went to university she could cook, clean up after herself, knew how to use a washing machine (she even separated her whites from her other stuff), but these kind of life skills are learned. They don't come automatically.

It’s just so, SO different to the 90s. We literally got dropped off - or took the train - and had no choice but to organise ourselves and crack on. For those of us who lived through that experience, to see the parental levels of involvement now is pretty strange to witness!

Yes it is different. Most accommodation is self catered, and all you get is a room with a bed, desk and chair in it. You need bedding and kitchen stuff, which when my sister was at university (1978 - 1981) was already provided because she was in catered accommodation which was the norm back then. @Stravaig

@probablyread It is to be hoped that your DC won't have any emotional wobbles during their first term at university. You come across as rather hard hearted.

The best gift any parent can give a child going to uni is the tools to look after themselves. Scrap the care packages and baked goods and start teaching them how to do their own laundry and cook. I was shocked how many friends at uni didn't know the basics of how to look after themselves

Well said @Canisaysomething. I don't understand the parents who are proud of the fact that their DC can't cook, and send them to university with a suitcase full of pot noodles.

All this self righteous smugness at how hands off and cool some posters are is frankly just as annoying as the ones who send daft care packages for every eventuality.

It is isn't it @ssd. There is a middle way, which I like to think is the one I took. Although, I did send DD a cheese hamper to cheer her up during the lockdowns when they were all confined to the house.

That's so sad @Tisfortired. Your parents' complete lack of interest is alien to me. Did they not bother attending parents evenings at school either?

Oh, and I was not an emotional wreck the entire summer before DD went to university either.

Prior to moving to uni, my DC had joined their ‘halls flat’ WhatsApp group and had sorted with other students who took what for the shared area. Bit like a wedding gift list - no chance of five toasters and without something else!

As we dropped off we did help with a first shop.

Unpacking the room I thought I was being helpful - “this could go here, we don't you…” until I was very gently told “ but I want to do that myself”. Good for him!

I also agree with the point that you need more "stuff" at uni now than in the 90s. When I moved into a uni flat in my second year (after first year in catered halls), basic kitchen equipment was provided - pots and pans, plates, cutlery, grater, kettle, toaster etc etc etc. There was an inventory in the flat which was checked when you moved out and you were expected to pay for anything missing. DD's flat has nothing provided in the kitchen at all, so she has had to take her own plates, cutlery etc.

My son is going to uni on Saturday and we are driving him and we have helped him get stuff together. I'm not a mollycoddling mum by any stretch but it's an exciting and emotional time for us and it's nice to be involved in smoothing the path for his send off.

He does have ADHD so has appreciated the extra help getting organised but he's done a lot himself too. He got the inventory for his flat in halls and we worked out what he did/ didn't need to take. A fair bit of stuff we already had going spare (ie our relegated set of saucepans which were stored in the loft with the camping gear) and it seems a bit mean not to let him have it.

I may well make up his bed when we arrive if it seems opportune. Not because he's incapable- he's been changing his own bedding for years - but because it will be nice to do some small favours. I don't deny that it's as much to make me feel better than to "help" him.

I did nag him to make a dentist appointment before he went (he didn't) so I probably will make one for December to make sure he goes. But mainly it's because we are paying for a family dental plan that includes two check ups per person per year and I'll be annoyed if its wasted!

My mum did all that for me when I left and I've felt a real rush of love for her when I've been getting my son's stuff together, thinking about her doing the same so many years ago. I took it completely for granted I'm ashamed to say but omg I'm appreciating it now! I still have the fruit bowl she bought me on our kitchen table.

My parents were quite clear though that they didn't want/expect to see me until December. A lot of friends did go home for the weekend at least acouple of times and there were times when no one seemed to be around and I was very lonely and sad that I was "not allowed" to go home. In subsequent terms I did go home for reading week etc but I had to budget for my train fate out of the funds I had available so I did make the decision carefully rather than impulsively!

I think I'm probably midway between the mollycoddling mum and benign neglect mum! I admit I was a bit shocked when my son came back from uni open days (he went alone, didn't occur to us to go with him!) and told us almost everyone else had been there with their parents. I said "oh dear do you want us to try and come to the next one?" And he said "oh god no, I'll tell you about it when I get back". That's good ... I think?

@RampantIvy I was self catering.

I agree there seems to be a lot more stuff involved now, but I don't think it's because more used to be provided, it's because expectations around personal belongings have absolutely exploded!

Children and young adults slept in single beds, so you simply used your childhood bedlinen. I had a few changes of clothes, that's all, and hand-washed a lot. My entire wardrobe plus sheets plus towels fitted in a half machine load every fortnight. No-one had personal electronics of any kind, no desktop, laptop, tablet, mobile phone, gaming consoles. A Sony Walkman, perhaps, or a CD cassette player for music. Access to a shared payphone. Possibly a TV room in a large shared house. Books were in the library, films were at the cinema, computer time (for actual work) could be booked via the science lab.

It was a different world. They have so much more these days, yet seem to need much more help 🤷‍♀️

Might come as a shock to some people but I did different things with my kids. One very hands off as they were fine. One needed a lot more.

Didn’t help with bank accounts or choosing accommodation or anything like that but very different approaches

some, like the op are so desperate to be the cool parent it seems to be what they need to do not what their children need them to do

Good points @Stravaig, especially the beds. I had to buy new bedding for DD as all of her beds at university were small doubles.

However, now that DD is independent and has been living away from home since graduating it meant that she already had just about everything she needed.

I had no help with anything when I went to uni 30 years ago.

I would have loved to have parents who gave me a lift there, helped to plan or kit me out, did anything really.

Even in those days, most parents helped out in some way. I saw it happening with my friends and was really envious that they had helpful parents. It's hard when you're on your own.

Nope, what you’re doing it much better-they’re 18 they’re an adult and they need to learn that. I don’t get this mad panic buying everything when most unis are in cities, and you could everything delivered the next day. Most stuff in halls gets nicked or ruined anyway.

Most stuff in halls gets nicked or ruined anyway.

Doesn't that depend on what kind of flatmates you have?
The only thing of DD's that got nicked was milk, and that stopped when she switched to a non dairy alternative

All this self righteous smugness at how hands off and cool some posters are is frankly just as annoying as the ones who send daft care packages for every eventuality.

Where you see self righteous smugness, I see light-hearted banter. Something that's sadly lacking in discussions about parenting on MN nowadays.

I think a lot of it is about fulfilling the needs of the parents rather than the students. My friend has spent several hundred quid that she says she can't afford on kitting out her DD. She's distraught at her moving out and this is something she feels she can do for DD but it's helping her too.