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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

229 replies

AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 19:00

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 13/09/2023 19:25

I’ve taken DD shopping and helped her pack, made sure she’s got some Berocca and ibuprofen and got her a nice present.

I have had zero input into any of the admin side of stuff, she’s sorted all of that herself including registering with a new GP, sorting out her contact lens subscription and cancelling her gym membership.

I’ve written a few recipes in the notebook app of her iPad but declined her suggestion that I make her lasagne for the freezer! I’ve bought her a dish - she can make her own!

KickingEAP · 13/09/2023 19:25

Mine sorted everything for themselves. I donated a few old kitchen items, etc, but they have sorted everything else.

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2023 19:26

I had to do everything myself. If they're determined enough, they'll do it. If not, meh.

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:27

For those of us who lived through that experience, to see the parental levels of involvement now is pretty strange to witness!

But those of us who were at uni in the 1990s are the parents who are seeing kids off to Uni currently.

HamBone · 13/09/2023 19:27

@Stroopwaffels Re. Coming home for the weekend. We’re slightly astonished at how easily DD has settled in and has little interest in a visit home. I definitely had a couple of visits during my first term. She’s having too much fun to waste a weekend with us. 🤣

KevinDeBrioche · 13/09/2023 19:28

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:27

For those of us who lived through that experience, to see the parental levels of involvement now is pretty strange to witness!

But those of us who were at uni in the 1990s are the parents who are seeing kids off to Uni currently.

I get the feeling it’s the parents who haven’t been to uni who are far more invested? I could be wrong though!

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:31

I get that @HamBone but it's almost as if some parents are basically telling their kids that they don't expect to see them until Christmas, even if they want to come home for the weekend. If DD wants to come home for a night or two that's entirely up to her - no pressure either way. She has a home here and a flat at Uni and cam move between the two as she pleases.

That if your first year student wants to come home for the weekend that's in some way a poor reflection on the parents, or a lack or moral fibre or something. It's just weird.

TheChosenTwo · 13/09/2023 19:32

YouJustDoYou · 13/09/2023 19:26

I had to do everything myself. If they're determined enough, they'll do it. If not, meh.

Interested in answers like this. Not picking on anyone but…
my dd would have been able to have afforded to buy all the things she needed aswell as get herself there on top of doing her first food shop. Her student loan didn’t kick in until her 3rd or 4th week and it’s the minimum amount so covers just under half her accommodation and fuck all else!
Did you have savings to pay for it all yourself and get it all down there? Hats off if so!
We had saved the money anyway to cover all these things and dd did/does have her own savings but we probably spent a grand kitting her out all in.
I’m all for letting them be independent but we’re in a position where we have time and finances to support all our dc and I can’t imagine just telling her to get on with it all herself. I think it would feel very uncaring and just not like how I’ve ever parented her until now. She was only just 18 when she left, she’s always been pretty mature so I wasn’t worried about her not being able to be an adult but blimey some of the things I’ve read on here just seem a bit mean!!

SilverGlitterBaubles · 13/09/2023 19:33

I think it depends, some teens will need more support than others, some are just disorganised or laid back and need pointing in the right direction or nothing will happen. DD was perfectly okay to organise herself and has continued this way since going to uni. However she made a list and we went to Dunelm together more for the fun of a shopping trip and an excuse for coffee and cake than her actually needing me to do anything.

probablyread · 13/09/2023 19:35

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:31

I get that @HamBone but it's almost as if some parents are basically telling their kids that they don't expect to see them until Christmas, even if they want to come home for the weekend. If DD wants to come home for a night or two that's entirely up to her - no pressure either way. She has a home here and a flat at Uni and cam move between the two as she pleases.

That if your first year student wants to come home for the weekend that's in some way a poor reflection on the parents, or a lack or moral fibre or something. It's just weird.

I've told both of my kids I don't expect to see them until Christmas. We are on holiday in October during reading week so they can't come home then and I don't want them to reappear for the weekend. I'd take that as a sign they weren't settling or struggling to make friends. For DD it isn't relevant she has job lined up with Sunday working so won't be home (4 hour train trip). DS is only 1.5 hours away but he should be out with friends or studying not lazing about here.
See them at Christmas, see them at Easter then they will be back for 3 months in the summer. They need to grow up !!

CurlewKate · 13/09/2023 19:36

I wouldn't take them to the dentist or anything like that. But I'd make a "care package" for anyone going off into a new life. And I'd certainly make sure they had enough food to survive the first week. And of course I'd make a fuss if they'd let me! It's a big, important thing.

Screamingabdabz · 13/09/2023 19:36

I’m a benign neglect mum but I have done a few casual bits of shopping with her. That was more of an excuse to get round the shops and have a bit of time together.

Ultimately though she’s a bright young adult and more than capable of sorting herself out with a few suggestions from family members who know the ropes. She’ll be fine.

Some parents are just controlling over-invested fruit loops.

Lilyhatesjaz · 13/09/2023 19:37

I went to uni in the 80s I still have some of the saucepans and plates my mum took me to buy in woolworths.
My uni was 6 hours drive from home and my dad took me with all my stuff.
It was a long time until I was able to get the train home to see them and not easy to phone.
Most of my friends were dropped by parents too and some went home some weekends if they lived nearer it is a myth that parents didn't care in the past.
Me and DH took our kids to university helped get what they needed, I even sent DS with some freezer meal they were still adult enough to do their degrees and enter the world of work.

GasPanic · 13/09/2023 19:37

The great thing about uni is that it is a chance for kids to try out adulting at relatively low risk. There are people there at the uni to help them, they will help each other, and if it really comes to the crunch they are often not too far a drive away, and finally a bank transfer can solve an awful lot of problems.

Leave them to it I say, they will benefit from the life experience.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/09/2023 19:43

I helped my DDs when they asked and we had fun buying stuff together before they headed off. They also enjoyed a big shop when they got to uni and still talk fondly about it now they are adults who have to pay for their own shopping! I didn't hang about once they got to their halls/flat though. They had better things to be doing than hanging out with their parents. I think there is a balance to be had.

AnneVeronica · 13/09/2023 19:44

I do not subscribe to the very odd MN idea that on their 18th birthday this switch flicks and you do not lift a finger for them ever again

Nor do I. But I won't be making her bed up her bed for her on arrival - she'd cringe!

I just don't get the parents who are desperate to appear so cool/hands off by not helping, not smoothing the transition,

It's nothing to do with being cool. I've smoothed the transition by teaching her to be independent and confident. Hence she didn't need me to micro manage her setting up her student bank account.

OP posts:
BarbieKew · 13/09/2023 19:45

KevinDeBrioche · 13/09/2023 19:24

It’s just so, SO different to the 90s. We literally got dropped off - or took the train - and had no choice but to organise ourselves and crack on. For those of us who lived through that experience, to see the parental levels of involvement now is pretty strange to witness!

And no mobile phones, messages or emails! I rang home once a week from the payphone in halls, they had no clue (thankfully) what I was up to or if I was ok. I’d find that really hard now, but maybe it was easier/simpler back then, with little choice in the matter? Weird.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 13/09/2023 19:45

@probablyread Why would you take them wanting to come home for a weekend as a sign they were struggling to make friends?! I didn’t ever go home for a weekend at Uni but plenty of my friends who lived closer did… and friends who went to Uni in our home city (London) were forever popping home despite active social lives. Is it so weird that 18/19/20 year olds would just want to spend time with their families, eat some decent home cooked food?!

Ted27 · 13/09/2023 19:47

My son is off to uni on Saturday, he has ASD so I have helped him.

I have bought some things, he had bought some stuff, he's taking some spare things from the house. On Monday we shopped together for kitchen things and non perishble foods, cleaning and laundry items.
He has always struggled with cooking so yes I am giving him a couple of frozen portions of my spag bol and chilli

CarPour · 13/09/2023 19:51

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:20

DD went off to uni last weekend. Yes she is technically an adult (by a fortnight) but I do not subscribe to the very odd MN idea that on their 18th birthday this switch flicks and you do not lift a finger for them ever again. She is my child and will always be my child. Of COURSE I want to settle her in, make sure she has what she needs, make her bed, take her to Tesco. Because it is a time of transition for them and independent living is a massive change.

She is only an hour's drive from home and I am likely to be driving through tomorrow to take her things she's forgotten and taking her for lunch. I just don't get the parents who are desperate to appear so cool/hands off by not helping, not smoothing the transition, telling them not to come home for the weekend. What's that all about??

I don't think its about a switch flicking

But the lead up to university is an important time for them to develop adult skills, it's better for them to develop the skills before uni, and ensure thaytthey are capable rather rather it being a massive change when they go to university

If mum is still booking their appointments then essentially as soon as they leave home they will never do it. What happens when they get sick at uni and need to call the GP? Start making your appointments at home so when you do move out it's not a massive shock

I don't agree with telling them not to come he for the weekend or anything like that. But your child is about to be thrust into the adult world and so essentially the switch is about to flick.

ManateeFair · 13/09/2023 19:52

Depends, really, doesn't it? For some students, they will be needing things like kitchen items or whatever for the first time, and if there aren't any spare ones at home then they're going to need to buy them. Or if they have a double bed at home and will be a single bed at uni, they're going to need some single bedlinen. Yeah, they could buy that on their own. But it doesn't seem like excessive or mollycoddling to me for parents to have a day out shopping for that sort of stuff with their 18-year-old. It just seems like a nice thing to do.

Similarly, there's 'care packages' as in something the parent gives the kid as a nice little 'Good luck! Here's a little gift of some stuff you might find useful', and there's 'care packages' as in something they genuinely seem to think their child will not be able to source without help. The former seems normal (although clearly not essential, just a nice gesture) to me. But the latter seems infantilising.

Again, making the bed up - if you're helping your kid carry boxes of stuff into their room, and they're busy putting their clothes in the wardrobe or introducing themselves to the person who's moving into the room next door, then it seems perfectly reasonable to think 'Oh, I'll just do the bed while she's busy, it'll save her the bother later' just to be helpful. But if people are making up beds because they think their kid won't be capable of doing it themselves, that's ridiculous!

The dentist and optician thing I do not get at all though. If they need to see a dentist they can just go to the dentist, ffs, they don't need a parent for that! Or a food shop. I mean, they can buy a bag of pasta unaided, surely?!

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 13/09/2023 19:54

If I had a fiver for every time I've written on WIWIKAU "they'll have half a drawer in the freezer, please don't take that much stuff" I'd be able to retire.

I think there's a happy medium to be reached, the freezer portions to last till Christmas is one extreme.

Most people I think fall in between. I feel for the parents who are literally "grieving". I feel for the ones starting to post about the child sitting alone in their room not talking to anyone. I want to throw things at the ones who refer to their child as their "young person" like somehow they think saying "child" is infra dig now they're at university. I'm 58 but I'm still my mum's child 😂 And I almost had a big fall out with one who planned to arrive in the middle of the night to "nab as much kitchen space as possible". Visions of mother and daughter in camouflage gear going along their bellies across campus with rucksacks full of tins of beans and portions of lasagne strapped to their backs.

Canisaysomething · 13/09/2023 19:54

The best gift any parent can give a child going to uni is the tools to look after themselves. Scrap the care packages and baked goods and start teaching them how to do their own laundry and cook. I was shocked how many friends at uni didn't know the basics of how to look after themselves.

Stroopwaffels · 13/09/2023 19:56

I don't want them to reappear for the weekend. I'd take that as a sign they weren't settling or struggling to make friends

This is so alien to me. Lots of DD's friends have chosen to live at home and attend the local uni. She wants to maintain friendships with them as well as with the new people she is meeting at university. By coming home to see her "home friends" and us, that doesn't mean that she us struggling to make friends or not settled at university.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 13/09/2023 19:57

Oh and the one who was going to put her son's clothes on hangers IN THE SUITCASE as he wouldn't think to hang them up otherwise. 😳

The ones who do their "young people" 🙄 no favours are the ones who bang on about how their kids are incapable of picking a plate up or washing a bowl and how hilarious it will be that they'll live like pigs.

Dd's house of 13 was great. They all mucked in bar 2 of them, cleaned and washed dishes. Just because they can live like pigs doesn't mean they necessarily will.

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