To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

[AnneVeronica]

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

I've told both of my kids I don't expect to see them until Christmas. We are on holiday in October during reading week so they can't come home then and I don't want them to reappear for the weekend. I'd take that as a sign they weren't settling or struggling to make friends.

That's quite weird. It really doesn't mean that they're struggling to make friends. For a start, halls can be quite boring at weekends. Student nights at bars and clubs etc are usually during the week, and quite a lot of other students will be going home so there's often not that many people around. So weekends can be the dullest days at university.

And it definitely doesn't mean they're struggling to make friends. Lots of adults of any age just like to chill out now again and have a break from being around lots of people all the time. It's normal for anyone, students or not, to want to recharge their batteries now and again. It doesn't mean they're not settling.

Plus... some students do actually, you know, like their parents and siblings and enjoy seeing them occasionally. I had loads of friends at uni, and a boyfriend at another uni nearby, but I still enjoyed seeing my parents and my siblings because they were nice people that I loved. Students also spend a few weekends going to stay with their old schoolmates who are at other universities - again, it doesn't mean they're not making new friends as well.

Definitely did a dentist trip beforehand and each year they came back. Teeth are important!

My dd made loads of friends and had a fab social life and lots of activities. But she still came home occasionally to decompress. And to see her animals. And us.

I am far from a helicopter parent, I've got 4 kids and am extremely busy so I do encourage and promote independence from an early age. For example, if your clothes aren't brought down to the utility room they won't get washed (and I stick to it).

However, when my current college kid goes to uni I'd definitely send him with a box of stuff I know he would enjoy, like and/find useful. It will have ibuprofen, headache cooling strips, snacks he likes, some toiletries, a family photo, some new socks, pants and clothes. I want him to feel less stress about moving out. On the other hand I'd expect him to apply for uni and handle that in its entirety. I am there for advice and chats but he will have to be aware of the deadlines and commitments to all of that process and the financial and logistical planning of it.

My mum wasn't very mothering but even she used to make up care packages for me (not called that obvs!). She would get the BOGOF offers at the supermarkets and pack the "free" item away for me. She'd throw in a pack of hair bobbles and toiletries as well. It's not that I wasn't able but she knew it would ease the burden on me.

I have nothing to do with my ds’s admin or packing for uni but I did send him off with a few meals for the freezer. I do this occasionally for my older children who are working, just like I regularly fill my in-laws freezer with home made meals. I also provide them all with stuff like home made granola etc sometimes.

My offspring all work very hard and do a lot of sport etc and I no longer work and love cooking. I don’t see what the harm is in providing a few nutritious meals for those evenings when they get in late.

All of my children are great cooks and would never dream of getting a takeaway or a ready meal - far too expensive and often unhealthy.

Follow your dd’s lead. I wanted to help ds 4 years ago and he wanted to do it himself. I still send care packages 💕 but only stuff I know he needs/wants.

Mine went into catered halls and basically just took a large case with her. Had bed linen etc and all the clothes she needed. She bought books and a few random bits when she got there and could see her room. I’m sure ££ for going out would be appreciated by most students rather than duplicate pans

I'd have felt very unloved if I was just ignored until I left

Who says they're ignoring their child? Mine's just getting on with it and if she decides she wants the Rite of Passage trip to Ikea with Mum, then off we'll go.

To buy what, I do not know.

I went to uni at the opposite end of the country from my parents so did DH. Not being able to go home forced us into independence which was much needed. They can manage without seeing us for 3 months they aren't children. We will call. They are already talking about going to see each other for a night out in their cities which is great, but I work weekends a lot so does DH, they aren't coming home to laze around. They can explore the city or get a job or do uni work, I doubt they will be bored.

We are hardly cruel, they've both had new tech bought, over £1000 for new clothes, and we have bought most of their uni stuff for them. They will be fine and more independent for it.

it's almost as if some parents are basically telling their kids that they don't expect to see them until Christmas, even if they want to come home for the weekend

No one has implied that. No one.

Read the post immediately above yours, @AnneVeronica !

why don't you offer these things to your daughter and see if she would like them. It does feel very uncaring tbh.

Aske her would you like us to go to home bargains? Shall we do you a big shop when we get there? Is there anything we can get you to help you settle in?

The only thing my mum helped me with in terms of uni was that she drove me there.

I did all the research, the open days, then I bought all my own plates etc and did my own packing. I booked my own medical appts when needed. I never received any care packages.

This all suited me fine, but I was very independent and didn’t visit home until Christmas.

Make sure your DD remembers to pack hangers! That’s the one thing I forgot 😁

Mine don’t tend to come home that often in term time but they do sometimes for family occasions as well as parties and gatherings with their local mates. I wouldn’t dream of telling any of them when they can and can’t come home as it’s still their home, even if they’re now working.

We’ve done IKEA and dunelm 😂 but mainly because I don’t have spare pans or duvets! He did ask tho and had a list.
I’m also taking him shopping for store cupboard kitchen stuff, toiletries and cleaning supplies before he goes because I’d like to help and I can afford it. We will sort the first aid box as well- paracetamol doesn’t break the bank. Not sure it’s a care package, just “this is what you need, we’ll get you started, over to you now”

Mine has just gone back for her final year. She did a foundation year so is now in her 4th year and has gone back into halls this year after living on a student house share for the last 2 years.

We always drive her back and help her move her stuff in. I took her to Asda for a weeks food shop to take with her.

She didn’t really need any bedding, etc, this year as she’s got it all from previous years, although I did buy her a new memory foam mattress topper as the halls mattresses are crap.

She’s a bit of an old hand at it now, and sorts it out herself mostly. She’ll have a minor panic about 3 times a day that she’s forgotten to enrol or something stupid but she’s got it under control.

She does get very anxious and homesick for the first few weeks back - more so this year as her 3 best friends that she house shared with have now finished so for various reasons she decided to go back in halls. Saying that, by the time we’d got home from dropping her off, she was already in the pub with her new flat mates.

We FaceTime and text and we’re always here if she needs us and I’d get her like a shot if she needed me, but she finds coming home makes it worse, so I do try and jolly her along and encourage her to stay there for the first few weeks. She’s not too far away and can get home on the train easily.

Mine had a studio in the first year so needed kitchen equipment, so I was involved in gathering stuff together and buying what was needed. I did do a care package - with stuff like paracetamol and condoms, pot noodle, coffee, hot water bottle, LED lights etc She was quite impressed. We did an IKEA trip but she had a list. Also did all her own admin etc and sorted GP and dentist. She's in a flatshare this year, so apart from physically moving stuff from one place to another we're a bit handsoff. No student loans where I live (EU) so instead of paying her rent etc, I set up a dd to her to cover this and bills and she needs to sort this herself.

What on earth is WIWIKAU

All this self righteous smugness at how hands off and cool some posters are is frankly just as annoying as the ones who send daft care packages for every eventuality.

I suppose that's parenting for you - everyone does it differently! I went to university in the 1980s and my parents couldn't have been less interested. I got the train (alone) and they didn't buy me so much as a teaspoon. I wanted to be more involved than that, and I enjoyed buying bits and pieces with my dc, but probably lean towards the benign neglect end of things. When DS started a few years ago there was a welcome meeting on drop-off day. One of the parents asked the master of the (fully catered) Oxbridge college whether a personal freezer could be provided in his son's room so that he could enjoy home-cooked meals prepared by his mother. I thought it was hysterical, and DS would never have spoken to me again if I'd made such a suggestion, but a surprising (to me) number of other parents were nodding along.

🤣 ha!ha!

I see at least two people said exactly that whilst I was posting! But not before you brought it up.

It's not a competition though about who loves their kids most - which is what you're trying to make it, with you the winner. I started this thread to see if others were letting their child get on with buying (though not necessarily paying for stuff) and generally organising this next stage themselves.

Glad to see that plenty are.

I think we may have the same friend… I came on to say exactly this. Don’t advise the rest of his lifestyle though!

I think it’s all about balance. If your DC wants one, and you are able to, it’s a nice thing to help/support them. If they need you to purely because they are lazy, then maybe it’s an opportunity to learn a few good life lessons.

They have though.

I've told both of my kids I don't expect to see them until Christmas. We are on holiday in October during reading week so they can't come home then and I don't want them to reappear for the weekend. I'd take that as a sign they weren't settling or struggling to make friends.

All these threads are completely alien to me. When I went to uni in 2010, my parents had absolutely big fat 0 involvement. They didn’t know what grades I needed or even where I was applying for until I’d done it. They didn’t buy me anything for my accommodation, there were no hauls or care packages. They had no financial involvement whatsoever, apart from my dad putting a £20 note in my hand when they dropped me off so I could make some
mates by buying them a pint. I got a job whilst studying and supported myself from day 1.

My nanna on the other hand bless her heart made me a few spag bols to stick in the freezer.

I went to university in 1994. My parents took me to the supermarket and stocked up on tins/heavy stuff, bought kitchen bits and took me out for lunch. That was not unusual either - most kids being dropped off had similar levels of support.