To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

[AnneVeronica]

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

Of course you are, because I'm assuming (maybe wrongly) that you aren't stupid enough to think that your DD is the only student who is able to do it herself? Nasty post really.

I don’t think that informs my view. I’m slightly reminded of when my bro didn’t organise his accommodation properly amend ended up in the YMCA in London. I do recall my parents being more hands on when I went and I was not left in doubt why. I think I was deffo the better organised one. DC is quite organised, but I will probably get a bit involved. Add a few things to his list. Eeek this time next Yr …

You think that's nasty 😂

I do find some of the coddling preparations quite funny bizarre interesting. I took myself off to University, with just a rucsac, a few weeks after my 17th birthday, and didn't ever go home again. Some years a flying visit for Christmas Day. That was in the 80's; times have certainly changed!

Blimey! If I had a massive life change going on, I would love someone to make my bed for me. It's an act of love!

Having said that, ds is going on the train by himself with a rucksack. It's what he wants to do.

I did envelopes and gift cards for dd, but ds won't see the need for that. He'd rather have long phone chats instead.

It's just different kids/ families/ situations.

I think everyone to their own! It's too late to change anything now, so DC & parents just have to get on with whatever they have chosen to do!

In the 90s my parents drove me, unpacked with me, took me shopping for all the bits I needed and food and gave me a bloody massive hug. I remember it clearly and it was wonderful.

Aww, I saw that, I thought it was quite sweet! But I won't be doing it myself 😂 DS is a better cook than I am anyway. I did treat him to a few bits from IKEA for his new room and will be doing a small food shop. And as it happens he did recently go to the dentist for his routine 6 month check up but there was no connection to going to uni? Surely good dental hygiene doesn't care where you're off to.

I think of myself as being pretty laid back but I really enjoy helping him prepare for this big step in life. He'll probably never live in my house again...

It's not about needing support but I find it incredibly sad that parents don't make the effort to show they care. For anyone, it's a big life stage and having your family around you for it is just a nice thing to do. What's wrong with making up dinners for the first week? My DS can cook better than me and is very independent but I know he's still appreciate it.

We did a big shop because this will probably be the last time we'll treat in this way.

It's not cool to be uncaring to anyone - let alone your own children!

I will be doing quite a few bits and bobs for my child (IKEA/Dunem shopping, driving there, taking to supermarket in uni town, pressing £100 into her hand before we leave, bottle of vodka and big bag of sweets and teddy secretly packed into her bag etc) . Not because she needs me to, but because I love her, and I want to make her life a bit easier in a little way, and because I want her to know how loved she is. We'll be helping her sort out her room and get settled before we go too, plus we're staying overnight locally to her Uni, so will take her for lunch the next day.

Back in the early 90s my parents did the same for me (minus the vodka tbf) when I headed off to uni, and my DH's parents did the same for him when he headed off to uni. Parents going out of their way to be kind to their children isn't some kind of new thing and nor is it a bad thing!

DD is perfectly independent. Heading to Uni 3 hours away - has worked part time for 2 years - has already managed to get a good group of Uni friends going - used the Uni online chat pages and has met up with quite a few people locally-ish who are going to the same Uni. And they all put in for the same Halls block. So Pre's are at their block on Saturday night! She'll do fine - she's a social organiser! Bit worried about her (our!) deposit though!

She's going to be back twice before Christmas - not because she needs to see us, but because she's got social events organised near us (London) with one with her new Uni friends, and one with some of her local friends.

I'm going to miss her like crazy, but she's going to have a ball! I wish I could be her age and do it all again!

Good luck to all those kids heading off to Uni, and all the parents who will miss them!

We did the Dunelm/Range/IKEA/Tesco shops before DS left and helped him move in. God, I even put his bedding on for him and helped him unpack his food - shoot me now!

He was the first to arrive and was clearly nervous (although he'd never admit it) so I just wanted him to settle in.

A year later and he's a dab hand at meal planning and cooking as much as a student would anyway! His flat looks great, down to him and his mates and oh yes, he does wash and put his own bedding on!

No. I'll be helping my DS prepare as much as he wants me to. I'm not sending him off with nothing. Some kitchen basics will have to be bought, just as they were for my DD 4 years ago. We'll do his washing and clothes packing together. We'll drive him down and wave goodbye. I'm sure my Mum did the same for me 40 years ago.

@stravaig you refer to bizarre coddling but then say you never went home again after going to University. Personally I’m glad that all my children ( still at university and working) want to come home regularly and spend time with us. My oldest is 26 and we still have family holidays together with the 6 of us.

@ApolloandDaphne Im definitely going to send my kids off with cake if they’ll allow it! There was one girl in halls whose Mum had made her a massive fruit cake and honestly it lasted the whole first term 😂Tea, cake and gossip after a heavy night always at her room.

It seems weirdly mean to be bragging about not doing a food shop when you drop him off.

My parents took me food shopping each time they visited, just one way to show they cared. Guess what, I lived abroad when I was in my third year and moved to London once graduated and have lived independently ever since.

Showing your kids you care isn't molly coddling them! DS1 is only 6 so no skin in the game yet but I will do as much as he wants/will allow. Why wouldnt I, I love him.

It's not cool to be uncaring to anyone - let alone your own children!

Who's uncaring?

I have a DD who prefers to sort stuff out herself. She'll be going off to uni with whatever she needs and what she's not got she can buy when she gets there.

And we plan to see each other quite a lot between now and Christmas.

Hello to any other parents of ND kids who may be feeling slightly judged or unsettled by this thread! On MN kids turn 18, sort out all of their admin/shopping/work/coursework/finances/emotions/upheaval/fears themselves, and require no support with these things. That is excellent news for those young adults (or just plain adults I should say). Also an excellent reflection on their parents who have equipped them for the adult world. Well done those parents.

My reality is a young man who went off to uni without these skills firmly in place, not because he's lazy or I'm a crap mum, but because he has significant impairments and these things can be hard. He needed and needs sooooo much support. I won't list it here for fear or scorn, but if you know you know.

Part of what made that transition so hard for me was the feeling that he ought to be doing 'better', and that I had failed him because he couldn't. So if that's you, and you're feeling that way, just know that your kid is not the only one, you haven't done parenting wrong, and going to uni is not a definitive cut off point. You're allowed to provide as much input as your kid (adult) needs

So basically you have lots of extra stuff in the house like pans, cutlery and so on and have given them to your child! They then ordered some bedding, I bet off your Amazon account (just a guess). It's not exactly travelling the world solo, is it?!

I don't have kids but recall going myself in the late 90s. My parents did quite a lot to set me up - helped me shop in advance for pans, bedding, etc. and also sent me with sensible stuff like cleaning products and first aid kit. We also did a big food shop before they left me for heavy stuff that was much easier with a car. It was useful because I went to a campus uni, you didn't just make calls on mobiles (way too expensive) and I had no car, so you couldn't just go and buy stuff that you realised you needed. I was deeply impractical as an 18 yo so the setup really helped. My room also became a bit of a hub for everyone else who found they needed laundry powder, plasters, etc. in those early weeks. I didn't need to go home after that!

Mine aren't at the stage yet. But I would be asking them what they think they need and advising where appropriate and I would take them to get what they needed. I would make some meals as a gesture of love. But only because we are of middle Eastern decent and my kids have particular favourites that can't be cooked properly on a student budget and I would want them to have it when mosssing home. But I wouldn't give loads. I plan to teach them how to do laundry, meal plan and clean and cook properly, life skills I mean. Oldest is 10. We are starting cooking soon

I agree.
We helped ours as needed, paid for essentials for them but let them choose their own, gave them tips about things that would be and wouldn’t be useful, and that was it. They were absolutely fine and would not have appreciated us interfering to the extent of buying them a whole package of everything we thought they needed.

Handing over responsibility to them is part of setting them free to fly and accepting as a parent that they’re no longer a child. That doesn’t mean abandoning them if they need help, or withholding financial support.

As long as she's got the basics and is happy, don't worry about it.

However, having just been to the optician, it's worth reminding offspring to make sure they avail themselves of their last free eye test whilst under 19 and in full-time education (and presumably the same for the dentist). DD is about to get her first glasses, and our optician said to her to make sure she gets her next eye test in before she has to pay!

My flatmate at uni's mum used to regularly send her parcels containing chocolate and a carton of cigarettes - Regal King Size!

I told my brother (his youngest goes off to university on Saturday, his eldest is postgrad in America) about someone on WIWIKAU saying they were cooking and freezer a whole load of meals for their adult child and he said "Do they think the kid's getting her own freezer?"

My mum helped me make my bed back in the 80s and took me food shopping. I did the same for my children . Its an act of love which didn't impact on our ability to turn into fully functioning adults!
Telling them not to come home until Christmas is not something I've ever come across and I don't understand the reasoning at all.