To ask if anyone else is just letting their DC get on with sorting going off to uni

[AnneVeronica]

I think I might be overdoing the benign neglect!

DD off to uni in a couple of weeks and we've not done an Ikea/Dunhelm haul. I've not taken her to the dentist/optician. I've not made up a "care package."

I'm not planning on doing a big food shop when we arrive at her accommodation- or making her bed up.

I'm not saying one way is right or wrong - but are other DC just getting on with it?

The dentist and optician thing I do not get at all though. If they need to see a dentist they can just go to the dentist, ffs, they don't need a parent for that!

@ManateeFair Theoretically no, but we’re still paying for DD’s checkups while she’s in FT education so it just seems easier for us to stick with our local ones. We could just transfer the money to her, I suppose- that’s what we’d do if she had an emergency at uni, like a broken tooth.

Plus, we need to book our dental checkups months in advance here! We have six.month checks and you need to make your next appointment while you’re there, or you won’t get one (unless they have a cancellation). It might not be so bad where you are.

Not at all. Everyone loves their kids (or at least I hope they do) and everyone has different ideas on parenting. I just don't believe that you are more likely to create a successful, independent adult by doing nothing for them, rather than supporting the transition, or telling them that they are free to pop home whenever they want to.

Mine hasn't gone back yet, but in his first year he came back for Christmas and then summer. He's too far away for weekend visits and all his flat mates stayed at uni during the Easter hols and he thought it was pointless coming all this way when he was breaking up in May anyway

You made her bed?

My parents in the 90s barely knew what subject I was reading let alone sending me off with a care package of any description. But I don’t look back on that with approval, they were just quite selfish people and caught up in their own lives and careers. I never wanted to be distant and uninvolved like they were with my own children and I am very happy that I’m not.

I like this response!

Yes @BotterMon I made her bed! We were unpacking boxes and cases with her, as there is no storage space for suitcases in her room and they needed to go home in the car. She was putting clothes in the wardrobe, her dad was unpacking boxes of mugs and plates, I made the bed.

I laughed and laughed and cringed at most of the WIWIKAU posts last year pre ds1 going. Most of the posts make me want to vomit.

I am a little surprised at the replies on here...when I went to uni my parents took me, helped me sort my room out etc and we'd done a big food shop beforehand. They'd also bought everything I needed for uni (I did have a summer job but kept this money to see me through the first term). All my other flatmates' parents did the same! I'd have really felt unloved if I had turned up by myself with no help etc. Home was less than an hour away on the train and I did go home when I wanted...and was welcomed home!

When it's time for my children to go to uni, I'm planning on doing the same (if they want me to, of course!) And of course they'll be welcome home whenever they want! I'd never dream of telling them I only want to see them at Christmas and Easter!

This has nothing to do with their ability to do things for themselves/being able to live independently...I'll always help my children, regardless of their age!

I will admit I made DD2s favourite chocolate cake for her. She says it was the best ice breaker in halls. Everyone wanted a piece of homemade cake!

I'll be cooking, doing the big shop, taking DD there, etc. not because she needs any help but because I want to, an act of love. My parents did benign neglect (so much so I doubt they could have told you what my degree was in) and it felt like shit. Unless DD asks me not to, I'll be doing it all.

I haven't done my son's washing since he was 14, he sorts his own bed out. He is driving and has had a full time job for a year.
He isn't doing a bad job at being an adult.
But he does have disabilities and we are exceptionally close.
So yes I will make his bed for him and help him unpack on Saturday.
Then I will leave him with a pack of M&S finest Brownies and let him get on with the start of his new life

I did do a care package - with stuff like paracetamol and condoms

You packed condoms for your DD? Oh dear god!

I made DD’s bed for her too.

DD’s Uni gives you a day/time slot to drop them off and you get a whole 45 minutes in the car park.

DH unloaded the car while DD and I made her bed, unpacked suitcases, sorted her kitchen stuff out, etc, so we could take all the empty boxes, suitcases, bags and rubbish home with us.

Theres no space to store stuff like that in her room.

She’s been doing this kind of stuff for herself for years, me helping her out has no bearing on her independence or ability to sort stuff out for herself.

I think there's a balance to be struck.

My parents did take me shopping but I made a list of what I needed.

I did my physical packing

I did the research on what would be there at my halls

They drove me and left me some basics like milk and teabags

That feels about right to me?

Hands up who's tucked a copy of Oh the places you'll go inside their DC's care package?

Why wouldn't you? I'd 100% make sure I did.

Also what is WIWIKAU??

Fwiw I went to Uni in early 2000s. My dad dropped me off and that was it.

Ds goes to Uni next year and I'll follow his lead but can't imagine he'll want us hanging around tbh!

Dropped DD off for 2nd year a couple of days ago. Certainly took her to do a bigger supermarket shop to start stocking her kitchen cupboard - but she'd written the list. She's also sufficiently distant that "won't be back till Christmas" is exactly what will happen (by train), and what happened in first year. DS is about to start, will be in catered accommodation (not sure how much he'll choose to use the kitchen). He's academically prepared but not so sure about the rest ... though I do know he's actually talked to his sister about some of the practical things. He and a friend have written a musical that's being put on in October half term, so I know he'll have to be back and forth a couple of times for that, and yes I think he'll be busy enough that I've made it clear that I will assist by driving him if needed.

DH and I started uni at 17, but like the majority of students in the city we grew up in, were commuting from home. So yes we'd been pretty independent about a lot of aspects (including negotiating permissions for unusual subject combinations and timetable alterations to facilitate them), but didn't have to get our heads around moving out and meals and so on to anything like the same extent till later.

I took my dds to ikea and bought anything else they needed including a supermarket trip. Dh and I dropped the dds off at university, unloaded the car to their room and then left.

Mind you, they came home frequently and stocked up while at home.

Mum helped me make a list and then , as I didn’t drive, my older cousin who was first in the family to go to uni drove me to IKEA and we picked out colour coordinating towels and duvets (so they could go in the huge industrial first year washing machines and tumble dryers together) and I also picked out some plates and cutlery which I liked and then my grandma sneaked back and bought them and made me up a ‘going away box’ (basically between grandma, aunty and cousin they filled a huge box with all the bedding and kitchen stuff I needed and presented to me.) I kept the box and refilled it with all that stuff every year to move from halls to various houses! On the way to uni with parents we stopped off and picked up some alcohol and some sweet treats to share with my new flat mates (pre-social Media so didn’t know any of them until I got there) not a full on shop but some bits and bobs to keep me going. It was nice to have my cousin - I felt pretty independent as did most without parents, but still with an adult to help!

Oh is WIWIKAU - what I wish I knew about Uni? Is it Facebook?

wiwikau is a facebook group - what i wish i knew about university. It's a parent group for those people who have student aged kids. I have heard it is a really good source of info, but haven't used it myself.

Seriously, your DC should be getting their own condoms.

I love doing the last /first food shop with my uni kid. for dd3 her uni is 6 hours away so her unishop is a transfer of money as I am not driving her there. I like doing that for my kids and I want to do so.

I don't think I have ever considered what other parents did just figured they would get on with it as they saw fit.

I'm an ideal world yeah but I'd rather err on the side of caution with something so important