Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to not get jealous of SIL

189 replies

User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:02

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

OP posts:
cpphelp · 13/09/2023 11:05

This must be difficult, and I agree with you, she may receive all inheritance as PIL thinks she needs it whereas you and your husband are settled.

To combat the jealousy, I'd focus on how my husband feels about this. Is he upset? Would he like to address this? If not, let it go

YeahIsaidit · 13/09/2023 11:05

So you're moaning that your DHs parents are helping their daughter.... And fretting about an inheritance that you wouldn't be entitled to in the first place. Ignore it and move on

PerfectMatch · 13/09/2023 11:06

Is this feeling based on anything concrete? It would be very unusual of them to cut DH out of the will and leave it all to SIL, even if they help her more when they're alive. If it happens then YANBU to feel resentment but maybe it won't happen?

narniabusiness · 13/09/2023 11:09

I think this will probably resonate with many people. There must be quite a few families where one child has not been allowed to grow up in their parents eyes and the other has. So you and your husband are seen as grown ups who can cope with all that life throws at you, whereas your SIL is forever the teenager navigating a dangerous world from which she needs rescuing. Ask yourself which you would prefer to be - the perpetual child or the adult?
Still sucks though. I remember my husband wanting to give his small inheritance to his not so well off sister only to be informed by a third party that she was fine as his parents had paid off her mortgage years ago.

AnIndianWoman · 13/09/2023 11:13

I think if she begins to complain to you again your DH needs to set her straight. Every single time. It’s not normal for someone with a household income of £300k to want to live in central London. She won’t be able to do it even if pil give them every penny they have.

rose69 · 13/09/2023 11:16

For all the support she doesn’t sound very happy. I would just get on with your own life.

Motnight · 13/09/2023 11:16

I think that you might be right. You need to prepare your DH for this too if he doesn't already realise, he could end up extremely hurt and bewildered if and when the time comes.

Of course people will say that no one has the right to receive an inheritance and that is true but in this case it is all about your DH being treated differently to his sister.

Of course all your in-law's money could end up being spent on their care...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/09/2023 11:19

This is a really complex area and is clearly engrained in the family dynamics. I guess the question is, how does your husband feel about this and how does it and how will it affect you day to day? How did it come about that your husband paid his own way through uni, was it expected or did he just do it himself?
The next time that his parents want help from him or you, would you both be willing to sit down and talk this through with him? Do you ever show vulnerability to them or ask for their help eg with childcare?

Original poster
User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:19

PerfectMatch · 13/09/2023 11:06

Is this feeling based on anything concrete? It would be very unusual of them to cut DH out of the will and leave it all to SIL, even if they help her more when they're alive. If it happens then YANBU to feel resentment but maybe it won't happen?

It’s based on the face that she “needs” that money to buy a house (in central London) and we already have a house.

The sense of entitlement and enablement is unreal!
We can take on a large mortgage but SIL cannot as they have only one income and cannot “risk it”. Unfortunately, she has to buy with cash and they cannot afford it. Also their kids are “settled” in posh private schools and so they cannot move to a cheaper area. (Ours are in state schools- but never mind)

OP posts:
Original poster
User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:23

His parents don’t ask for financial help. They need stuff like “helping” with DIY, take MIL to an eye test, dr appts, pay bills online (their money) etc. If DH says anything or can’t do things when they want, they get moody with him.

DH seems to be ok with this set up. His parents are quite disappointed that he doesn’t “help” his sister much and we don’t give her expensive gifts. (She doesn’t give either, but never mind - she doesn’t have a job)

OP posts:
Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 11:25

Next request suggest sil can take them. And repeat... Moody? Fab. Moody =peace and quiet then surely?

OhComeOnFFS · 13/09/2023 11:26

But you said her husband earns £300,000 per year - why can't they get a mortgage?

ZebraD · 13/09/2023 11:27

Where are your parents - can you get any support there.
It’s not going to be your inheritance no matter what and to be fair as a parent I do t think it would be fair to do anything other than 50/50.
Also, just remember while you are struggling you are at least gaining something - you will one day own your own home. Meanwhile SIL is paying for someone else to get rich.
Mybe cut back a little on how much you visit or contact so that you are t quite so invested in what is going on. It will all lead to bitterness and who wants that in all fairness.
How does your DH feel about it all?

Original poster
User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:30

“Kensington” was a bit of frustrated exaggeration on my part. She lives in west London. They can get a nice 4 bed house for about £2.5M. They managed £1.5M with savings and “early inheritance” from her husbands parents. They “need” just 1M.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 13/09/2023 11:31

I would be very careful and discuss with your dh how much care you are prepared to help them with as they get older and maybe frail. Sounds like they will expect you and your dh to do the caring so they don't have to spend any inheritance on care homes or buying in care so as to preserve it for your sil. Tbh if she is going to inherit everything then she can do the caring after all she doesn't work.

Original poster
User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:32

They are a “one income family and cannot risk it”
I wish I was joking. FIL and MIL worked in full time jobs and built everything they have on their own. I have no idea why they enable SIL so much.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 13/09/2023 11:33

Why can’t they get a mortgage?

What does you DH say to his parents? It’s for him to thrash it out with them.

billy1966 · 13/09/2023 11:34

MrsClatterbuck · 13/09/2023 11:31

I would be very careful and discuss with your dh how much care you are prepared to help them with as they get older and maybe frail. Sounds like they will expect you and your dh to do the caring so they don't have to spend any inheritance on care homes or buying in care so as to preserve it for your sil. Tbh if she is going to inherit everything then she can do the caring after all she doesn't work.

This.

tootiredtospeak · 13/09/2023 11:37

Easy solution SIL and PIL pool resources and live together she takes over all help and caring duties as she doesn't work and when they are gone she keeps the house. Inheritance is no one's birth right and if she was prepared to do that I would let it go.

Spottywombat · 13/09/2023 11:38

And stop talking to her/engaging with her, leave your DH to deal with his family.

Literally, mind your own business.

Coffeaddict · 13/09/2023 11:38

User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:30

“Kensington” was a bit of frustrated exaggeration on my part. She lives in west London. They can get a nice 4 bed house for about £2.5M. They managed £1.5M with savings and “early inheritance” from her husbands parents. They “need” just 1M.

That's mental you could easily get that on mortgage on a 300k household income and repayments would most likely be much cheaper then rent

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 13/09/2023 11:40

Your SILs life doesn't sound enviable really although i can understand why her moaning is annoying. If your dh isn't bothered about it then try to let it go and i would definitely try to not ge wound up over any potential inheritance. Your DH sounds like a good son for helping his parents when he can. If there's something he can't do then tell them to ask SIL to help them out with appointments etc.

Original poster
User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:41

tootiredtospeak · 13/09/2023 11:37

Easy solution SIL and PIL pool resources and live together she takes over all help and caring duties as she doesn't work and when they are gone she keeps the house. Inheritance is no one's birth right and if she was prepared to do that I would let it go.

inlaws moved closer to ours a year ago. SIL unfortunately cannot have them as her house is too small. Even if they pool resources and buy, they cannot afford a house big enough to house them all. (SILs DH doesn’t like living with inlaws)

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 13/09/2023 11:42

No judgement from me, you'd have to be a saint not to be annoyed by that.

How does DH feel about it?

Farmageddon · 13/09/2023 11:43

YeahIsaidit · 13/09/2023 11:05

So you're moaning that your DHs parents are helping their daughter.... And fretting about an inheritance that you wouldn't be entitled to in the first place. Ignore it and move on

Exactly. OP this is really none of your business, and the comment about the inheritance shows what you are really worried about.

Why is always the daughter in laws who are eyeing up the inheritance? It's not your money, it's your PILs and they can do what they want with it.