How to not get jealous of SIL

[User5512]

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

No, that’s not the objective. The objective is to wake this family up to the truth of their situation and try to get the PIL to do the right and honourable thing by their long suffering and abused son.

And would them cutting themselves off be such a bad thing?

The SIL is a selfish, narcissistic, parasite and the PIL have been awful parents to OP’s DH (no decent human would treat their children unequally unless there was a profound need to).

Besides the PIL aren’t going to cut contact with their son and DIL given that the PIL rely on their son and DIL for so much help (and aren’t even appreciative of them!!)

The real issue here is more the effect on the DH’s mental health if the PIL favour SIL in their Will. He will be devastated to know his parents have betrayed him right at the very end of their lives having treated him as second class to his sibling when growing up.

It sadly happens so much in families and I can attest to the lasting emotional damage it inflicts.

I’m sorry OP, but imo you need to be proactive here.

I think it's a 'our little girl' thing. We have similar. Sil and bil get help with childcare, loads of babysitting, cleaning, gardening. They are fair with money, sil will plead poverty and they will buy dn new clothes but will send us equivalent cash.

It use to really bug me but over time I've managed to accept it, I know we aren't as close to ils and tbh I don't want to be.

I’ve really noticed that daughters are treated preferentially to sons in so many families. It’s something that starts in childhood and then has become embedded by adulthood such that the son often just accepts it. It’s so wrong and it tends to be when the sim partners up that a fresh perspective is shone on the situation and illuminated.

Sons and daughters, whilst different must be treated fairly in any family that wants to stay happy and united.

I get that it might be annoying, but you can't change it so just get on with your life. Constantly comparing is not healthy, nor is eyeing up an inheritance which is not actually going to you anyway.

I think it’s odd to describe feelings of jealousy towards your DH’s sister. Feeling bad for your DH is one thing, but they aren’t your family and the inheritance would be for their son, not you, although obviously being married you would benefit too. She does sound annoying, but there’s nothing you can do to dictate who people leave their money to, unfortunately, so probably best not to waste headspace on it while his parents are still very much alive.

No you do NOT have a right to anyone money at any time in life no matter your relationship to them.

OP's IL get to decided ENTIRELY what they do with THEIR money both in life and death... they can choose to leave it to ANYONE, if thats 1 sibling, charity, a local stray cat or their fucking bin man they can.

OP (or anyone else including DH) is not entitled to a single penny automatically.

Stop expecting a free ride just for existing, this is just the greediest and cringiest most entitled post ever.

I'm leaving my estate equally to my 3 kids as it stands but if you where my kid and pulled this shit I would cut you off entirely as I refuse to be held to ransom or dictated to by spoilt brats and that isn't how I raise my kids. Behavior has consequences and greed results in getting NOTHING.

I have a similar situation and what I like to think is my DH and I don’t take hand outs no one can ever say we haven’t earned all we have .No one can ever throw the help we’ve received back at us.As a person who is human I get annoyed but then I shift it to feeling proud of myself and my family which is where our focus should be.Hope that helps you to feel better about your situation

Money is so evil.
That's their daughter and if she asks in need they will help
Does your partner ask for help?
I have an extremely jealous SIL as she moved 120 miles away from her parents at 18 with a married bus driver. She sees them once a year and is 44 now.
She hates the fact I'm nice to her mum and get on with them, and my kids see them every week.
I don't care about money, I care about the last year's of my kids grandparents lives have created happy memories, especially as all mine died before 70.

You won't be able to.
I have similar issues. My parents had money but never helped me. Uni, house, wedding, child: nothing.
They always help my sister: they paid for her uni, bought her a flat, paid for two weddings and her son's nursery fees. Plus her son has a trustfund set-up while my daughter hasn't. My sister is constantly crying about money but she has a husband who earns a decent salary.
When I ask my parents about it they say that they have to help because she needs it; they don't help me because I am capable of supporting myself.

Loads of arguments with my family and its clearly affects our relationship.

I don't have advice. It's a horrible feeling and I will never understand or get over it. The only thing I can do is to make sure I will never do the same with my own children.

It's not about entitlement. It's most of the time isn't even about money.
It's about you don't understand why you have been treated differently when you did nothing wrong. It's about thinking your parents do not love you as much as they love the other sibling.
These feelings are horrible and you end up questioning a lot: what is the point of working hard and being successful if everything else has just been thrown at someone who doesn't even try?

I was often considered to stop talking to my parents. I can't do it. I love them. But they need to give me a good reason why they do what they do.
The " you are not entitled to anything" argument only works if they don't treat anyone differently.

Hey,
Are you indian by any chance? Sorry can't offer any advice as I could have written this myself. My sil and bil drain their parents income and inlaws come to us for help!

I was left less then my brothers. It does not bother me at all... that what our mother wanted and it was HER choice.

We have opposit lives and where treat very different. They are richer than me and have no dependents too but that means NOTHING, she decided for some reason to split it like that and its not my place to question it.

It's very unfair..I can sympathize. We already know my fil has signed over his house to my sister in law. House is worth almost a million in SW London. It upsets my husband as he clearly favours his sister so he tries not to think about it.

Thanks a TON for this. Very helpful