How to not get jealous of SIL

[User5512]

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

Oh dear, wrong again.

OP I haven't read all the responses, but I wonder if it might be helpful to think about jealousy/envy in a slightly broader context here?

In many ways I'm in a very fortunate position. My kids are healthy (as am I), we have a roof over our heads and food on the table etc etc - however, this doesn't stop it being difficult when I feel that compared to most amongst my close friendship circle, have a lot 'more' than me. This doesn't just mean material stuff - stable and significant income, bigger houses, more holidays - they have all that, but also, and upsettingly, much more loving support from parents and extended family. Mine and DH's families are absolute shit shows etc - and it feels galling sometimes when people moan about their 'problems', when their lives seem just so much easier and happier than mine.

How I handle it is to try to let it wash over me a bit (I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't at least try to empathise with friends) and look at what I DO have. I read something about that jealousy is at it's worst when it's people in our sphere who have something we don't - I don't get jealous of, say, Margot Robbie because she's so far removed from my existence, but I am jealous of the friend with lovely supportive parents and a gorgeous house down the road from me...

Oh I'd be so pissed off that all the comforts are going to a grown ass adult woman, piggy backing and elite life off the wealth of her parents, while my husband is getting the grimey house help demands?! If be beyond pissed more than jealous! There's nothing you can do about it. This is something you'd need to understand how your DH feels about, and if he's on the same page as you, he would need to take all necessary action decided to stop all the usary from his parents, and establish if he's entitled to any inheritance if he wants any. This is absolutely not your place to say anything, since it's his family, their money and his very entitled sister! I mean sheesh, who wouldn't like a rich husband and rich parents to fund their very elite lifestyle?! You couldn't write this shit! I'd be so pissed off just watching this dynamic of in laws treating their daughter like a rescue dog (give her the world and a kidney too) even though she's very capable of adulting; while treating my husband like the service button on demand! Heck, I'd be pissed at my husband for being such a simp!

You're all muddled up.

If you're the one giving help, and you are doing with in order to "earn" for your family pot a share of your DH's inheritance (so yuck) - YABU and frankly you deserve this jealousy because it's a natural consequence.

If you're the one giving help and you're doing it for your PILs or for your DH, with no regard to your family receiving a share of your DH's inheritance, then your SIL has nothing to do with this. You're helping because you want to and your SIL's situation is irrelevant to you.

If you're the one giving the help and you don't want to, for whatever reason eg you don't think it's worth it because you won't receive any money when DH's parents die - don't help. Talk to your DH about it. What your SIL is or isn't doing is irrelevant.

You're far too enmeshed in her life. The answer to your question about how to stop the jealousy and resentment is: butt out. Keep yourself busy with your life, your PILs, your home, your DC. It's not your business, the relationship between your PILs and their other child. It's really, really not. Your "dilemma" isn't really a dilemma: it's an ugly predicament you've got yourself into because you're looking at your PILs for what they can do for you and that's it.

you need to get used to the fact that your hubby will most likely not inherit!!!! You need to make yourself totally unavailable to help inlaws and just tell them to contact your sil!!! 300k a year is ample in anyone's eyes to have a mortgage on a decent house. sil is just too uppity!! no restriction on the requirement of more than one wage for a mortgage so sil is having everyone on. What does sil's hubby have to say about all this?? Just live without them in your life.

How is it depressing to tell someone to butt out of someone else's finances and to point out that they wouldn't be entitled to inherit anything from them?

It really isn't any of OPs business how her DHs parents use THEIR money or how they treat THEIR daughter

Your "dilemma" isn't really a dilemma: it's an ugly predicament you've got yourself into because you're looking at your PILs for what they can do for you and that's it.

I agree this sums up the situation. The SIL is a red herring.

Ring sil.
'Your parents need help. I work. I'll leave you to sort it.'

Ignore the virtue signalling on this thread @User5512 I completely get you. Why should your children be treated differently and be at a disadvantage, just to be British and keep the peace?!
You need to say something! I'd also be suggesting your DH politely & tactfully enquires about inheritance (I'll be labelled as a CF for saying this but it's perfectly sensible for him to discuss it with his parents).

If SIL gets everything once they've passed, it'll bother your DH for the rest of his days. It will also have an effect on your kids!

Next time they start talking about poor sil, tell them the truth, let them know you struggle too and maybe step back a bit

They are your parents, this isn't your fight and her relationship is sepetate to you. Where's your parents. It's down to your dh to speak to them. Do you guys bother with them. Its a two way street.

One of DH’s sisters is the “taker” in the family and as PP’s have said, I’ve learnt that you need to dismiss it from your mind, it’s not your issue.

The one thing DH did say seething is when FIL, who’s early 80’s and suffers from the occasional dizzy spell) was up on a ladder cleaning out her gutters. He was incensed as you can imagine, because if SIL doesn’t want to do it herself, she can def. afford to pay someone to do it…but why not get her elderly Dad to risk his life instead? 😡

Anyway, you need to let this go, OP. Although, I’d be tempted to be petty and have a one big offloading session to your PIL, just for the heck of it. 😈Show up one day, flop in a chair and have a good moan about your mortgage, childcare costs, cost of living in general, etc.

It probably wouldn’t make any difference, but it would be cathartic. 😂

You need to change your mind set. Example my hubby always gets upset when someone parks outside our house but doesn’t live on our street . I’ve reminded him it is not “our” parking spot and whilst it would be nice to have it, we don’t , so let it go. Same with your SIL , you are not entitled to any inheritance. You in laws can do as they please with their money. You need to remind yourself it’s not your money, it’s theirs and if they want to enable her nonsense that’s their choice. Whenever you find yourself having jealous thoughts you need to say a little mantra : I am greatfull for all that I have or something similar. Positive self talk can overcome these kinds of negative thoughts and emotions.

There may not be any inheritance. Unless you know 100% of their financials, you don't know what they've got to leave, and they may need it for care further down the line because SIL isn't going to do it and you won't be able to with working full time. Aside from that, just think about it as you'd rather have them around than their money, you're independent and in a stable, happy place in your life. She has 1.5m in the bank, a good household income, kids in private education and is STILL complaining that you have it better....she's jealous of you, she's not happy. Take comfort in the fact that money isn't bringing her happiness, she still wants what you have. She'll never be happy. You can be.

I have had to learn to let this go too - albeit with much more modest sums of money involved. I too have a family member who is clearly supported way more than us two other siblings. The family member lives down the road from my father and is supported ongoing - from free childcare, through to 'a few quid' towards holidays and cars being bought on a 'family loan' that are never repaid.
It is not my money. It is my fathers. His choices.

Stop.

You need to get to acting classes and practice your sad face. Surely you are worried sick about the massive increase in your mortgage payments? What happens if you get thrown out of your house and your children are homeless?
You don’t ask you don’t get op.

Goodness me, you’re poor in-laws. They aren’t even your own parents, and you’re already stressing about getting their money when they die and if she will get it instead.

i don’t know how you deal with your own thoughts are that bad. But I’d focus on my own life and stop focusing on others finances and what you can get.

@Fairyliz Yes, I’d be SO tempted to lay it on with a trowel once or twice, just to see the reaction. It’s evil, I know. 😈

Op does your husband know you’re jealous you don’t get money from his parents and are worried about how much money you will get when they die?

does he feel the same, does he know?

im utterly shocked at what I’m reading.

There is nothing more infuriating than watching someone get all of the help and resources in a family because they play a vulnerability card, when you are struggling proudly, fiercely and independently by yourself! I grew up with a similar situation, only the person in my family is my sister, who colonised all the support functions in the family for 20 years. And I mean everything. She lived at home for nearly 20 years, waited on hand and foot by my parents, saving up for a deposit on a grand fancy house. Meanwhile, when I fell on hard times I had to be self reliant. When my relationship broke down I slept in my car because there was no room at my parents' house for me to stay. I will probably never catch up with the financial advantage she got from all that rent free life and emotional support. But, do you know what, I'm bloody proud of achieving what I've achieved on my own. My sister has accused me of being "jealous" of her life and I suppose in a way I am, but not materially. I think it must have been nice to monopolise all the care, love and space in the family. But I would never actually do that because I'm just a better person than she is. So the so-called jealousy is hypothetical, and comes with a heavy side order of condemnation.

I do think in your case that this is quite gendered and a key to breaking it down is probably to get your DH to open up to them about his struggles too. And that may also mean being a bit less available to do everything for them. Stop being the all-round performing monkeys. Plead exhaustion, illness, busyness - all true excuses. They are well off and can clearly afford to pay for help so it's not like you will be abandoning them or anything. When SIL raises the house issue then "help" by suggesting properties around you that are for sale within their budget. Make them state the trade-off they are making in words. And point out the discrepancy in childcare too. You don't have to be horrible about it, just state it as a fact and say that you wish you had similar help.

Lots of families work by sustaining obvious fictions of various kinds. The more you can do to challenge or dismantle this the better.

This is my situation too. At risk of sounding all bitter (and tbh I am a bit) my parents have given tons of financial support to my brother and sister. My sister is always playing the 'poor little me' card and has help with her mortgage, car paid for, holidays paid, big wedding paid for etc and my brother had help to buy his house and loads of help with his kids. I've had...nothing. No financial help, no help with my kids ever, and in fact my parents expect me to help my sister out but never expect her to lift a finger for me. I was also booted out of home to fend for myself as soon as I left for uni.

I'm not minted, I'm a single mum and am currently working two jobs to make sure I can pay for everything and me and the kids. I could do with some support but never get any. I think my parents justify it by thinking 'oh she's fine, she can cope with anything' and think the other two need more help, but it's actually really hurtful. And tbh I could do with some help! Things are not easy at the mo.

I think you need to be like my friend who would never put up with this (ok, she's an ex-friend, but she had lots of great skills for not being taken advantage of, and we could all learn from her). If anyone played their "little tiny violin" to get attention, she would just briskly say something like, "Sarah, we all know that's nonsense, you and your husband make plenty of money, in fact your husband alone makes twice what Bob and I make together. Housing in Kensington costs a fortune, so if you can't afford it, then do as we did and move farther out where housing is cheaper. Listening to you complain when your life is so fantastic gives me the itches and I would really appreciate it if you could pipe down a bit so I could enjoy my scone."

In other words, she wasn't mean, she didn't shout or anything like that, but she also didn't tolerate being expected to nod along to a fake narrative.

You aren't owed this inheritance so I agree with others that it's pointless to spend your effort worrying about it. However, you also aren't obligated to serve his parents out of your limited resources while being treated like a lesser person by them. Just stop doing it. If you want to point out, any time you decline to help them, that your resources are limited and that helping them takes away from your own future, then that's up to you. Or you could just silently roll your eyes. But I think if you stop letting your dh's parents combine their neediness of you with their favoritism of his sister, then you'll feel much less resentful about their favoritism of her.

I hear you @horseyhorsey17 . I think it helps to realise that the blindness is deliberate - it is a refusal to see the truth, not an inability to see it. Took me decades to deal with the emotional fallout, which is actually way worse than the financial (why aren't I as loveable? Why isn't my unhappiness as important? Why is my struggle worth less? Those questions get to the heart of something very deep and quite young inside all of us. Therapy really helped me handle them and come out the other side as someone who could simply state the situation without being angry, upset or bitter any more. And to take pride in the fact that I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps!! I am self reliant, hear me roar (often with laughter).

The irony in my case is that I actually do way more for my parents now than my sister does. As soon as she got enough money she flounced off. Leaving them with me. Suddenly they started to see my good side, assisted by the fact that there was no longer someone residing in their house and constantly badmouthing everything I said or did. 😂

Sadly, in-laws always seem to favour the daughter, no matter how much they earn, what they do, how much of a car crash their lives can be!

Personally, I have massively distanced myself from the in-laws because, tbh, it was embarrassing.

I think this may be what you need to do. Otherwise, you will end up becoming ill.